
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/122756.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Big_Wolf_on_Campus
  Relationship:
      Tommy_Dawkins/Merton_Dingle
  Character:
      Tommy_Dawkins, Merton_Dingle, Lori_Baxter
  Stats:
      Published: 2010-09-30 Chapters: 42/42 Words: 156483
****** Ordinary Boy ******
by carolinecrane
Summary
     AU. It's never a good idea to fall for the captain of the football
     team.
***** Chapter 1 *****
"That's right, go on and cry, you little fag," Travis sneered, his thick
fingers curling into a fist as Tim held the current object of their contempt
still. The twins had ignored pretty much everything the smaller boy said while
they used him as their personal punching bag, the truth was they hadn't
understood at least half of his pleas for mercy but they weren't about to admit
that.
Merton squeezed his eyes shut as the fist in question appeared two feet in
front of his nose, praying for a quick death. He'd given up on the 'painless'
part of his fervent prayer ten minutes ago when one of the thick-necked and
even thicker-skulled brothers put a dent in one of the lockers behind him with
the back of his head. He could already feel the swelling and every time one of
them took another swing at him his head hit the locker in exactly the same
place, no doubt insuring that he'd have brain damage before the twins got bored
and moved on to their next victim.
"Let him go, Tim." A new voice joined the nearly constant stream of insults
that Merton had tuned out awhile ago, forcing him to open his eyes and focus on
the captain of the football team himself. Tommy Dawkins stopped next to Travis,
his hand out to still the fist that was still aimed at Merton's face. "Haven't
you done enough damage for one day?"
"Jesus, Tommy, don't tell me you actually care what we do to the little freak,"
Travis practically whined, forcing Merton into a coughing fit to cover the
sudden urge to laugh. He felt the cough in every inch of his ribcage, wincing
at a new burning in his lungs and a soreness in his abdomen that he hadn't
noticed earlier.
Tommy's gaze fell on Merton for a moment, his green eyes shining with something
almost like interest. Merton was caught between wanting to twist out of Tim's
grip and make a run for it or wishing that one of them would just end his
suffering as quickly as possible. It was bad enough to have the crap pounded
out of him by the notorious T'n'T on a weekly basis, but to have Tommy Dawkins
come to his rescue? Well, at least his humiliation was finally complete, now
his parents couldn't say he'd never accomplished anything in high school.
"Besides," Tim piped up, tearing Tommy's attention away from Merton long enough
for the smaller boy to catch his breath, "the little fag's been asking for it."
"What'd he do?" Tommy asked, and this time Merton couldn't convince himself
that he was imagining the interest in the other boy's voice. In fact the
school's star quarterback seemed to be enjoying this little locker room meeting
of the minds, never mind that Merton was still dangling from Tim's arm while
Travis clenched and unclenched his fist in a threatening manner.
Tim's grip on Merton tightened reflexively as he straightened himself up and
met Tommy's gaze. "Come on, Dawkins, look at him. He's a freak. The clothes,
the hair, yesterday I swear he was wearing makeup. We're doing him a favor,
knocking some sense into him."
"Yeah, well, go find somebody else to knock sense into," Tommy said, his tone
telling his teammates that there was no room for argument. "This one's had
about as much as he can handle for one day and if you kill him or something
Coach'll bench you both."
Merton winced as he once again found himself holding back a hysterical laugh,
the corners of his mouth twitching as he watched Tim and Travis actually
consider the ramifications of killing him. He knew it wasn't a laughing matter
at all, because he was fairly sure that the only thing stopping them from doing
just that was the fact that it meant they'd miss playing in the Homecoming
game. Slowly Travis uncurled his fist as Tim let go of Merton's arm, but not
before he gave the smaller boy one last painful twist for good measure. "We're
letting you off easy this time, wuss," Travis growled, hot breath warming
Merton's cheek and sending a wave of nausea rolling through his stomach, "but
you better stay out of our way if you know what's good for you."
They cracked their knuckles in unison before turning and walking out of the
locker room, leaving Merton leaning heavily against the lockers. He could feel
Tommy's eyes on him, that critical gaze sizing him up. For the life of him he
couldn't imagine why Tommy hadn't left with his teammates, but he was still
standing there and he obviously wasn't in any hurry to leave Merton alone.
Finally he forced his eyes open again and cast a quick glance at the taller
boy, his cheeks flushing when he found Tommy staring back at him.
"Thanks," Merton muttered, the single word coming out more begrudgingly than
he'd planned. If Tommy caught his tone he didn't react, though, he just
shrugged and took a step forward.
"Don't mention it. Merton, right?"
Merton's eyes flew open even wider and he glanced up sharply, all the pain in
his body momentarily forgotten as he wondered why the most popular guy in
school knew his name. Granted Pleasantville was a small town and everybody
pretty much knew everybody else's business, but Merton's parents had seen fit
to burden him with a family name that no teenager ever got right. "Uh…yeah," he
stammered, his cheeks blazing an even darker shade of red that he hoped Tommy
would chalk up to the adrenaline coursing through him.
"Yeah, I've seen you around." Tommy paused and tilted his head slightly, his
eyes locked with Merton's for a long moment before he shook his head and drew
himself out of whatever private thought he'd been lost in. "You okay?"
"I'm fine," Merton mumbled, glancing down at the floor as humiliation crept
over him. The last thing he needed was Tommy Dawkins worrying about whether or
not the twins had done any real damage, the only reason he even cared was
because he didn't want them missing any games. "I'm not gonna turn in your
friends or anything, you don't have to worry about your precious game. It
wouldn't do any good anyway, they'd just beat the hell out of me for ratting on
them."
"What were you doing in here after school anyway?" Tommy asked, glancing around
at the deserted locker room.
Merton sighed wearily and finally pushed himself off the lockers, swaying
dangerously for a moment before his head stopped spinning enough to keep his
balance. "I left one of my books in my locker after gym," he answered
distractedly, a sharp hiss escaping his throat as his fingers gently probed the
tender spot on the back of his head. "I thought you guys would still be on the
field, just my luck I ran right into Tim's fist the minute I walked in here."
Tommy winced sympathetically, taking another step toward the smaller boy as he
watched Merton gingerly running his fingers over the back of his head. Before
Merton realized what he was doing Tommy reached out and pulled his hand away,
replacing Merton's fingers with his own hand. His touch was surprisingly gentle
and Merton found himself almost leaning into it, ignoring the tiny tremors of
discomfort Tommy's fingers sent down his spine as he examined the quickly
growing lump on the back of his head. "Dude, that's pretty bad. You should put
some ice on it, keep the swelling down."
"I said I was fine," Merton snapped, backing away from Tommy's hand a little
too quickly. He had no idea what he'd done to deserve this kind of torture, but
he wasn't about to humiliate himself even more.
"Sorry," Tommy murmured, frowning as he watched Merton grab a book out of one
of the lockers and shove it in his backpack. "Look, I know it's none of my
business but if you know they're gonna pound on you for dressing like that why
not just try to blend in?"
This time Merton didn't bother to check the urge to laugh, but he regretted it
the instant his abdomen objected. He winced and clutched at his stomach,
closing his eyes as he waited for the fresh wave of pain to pass. When he
opened his eyes again he found Tommy watching him with an almost helpless
expression, but he didn't want to think about why the most popular guy in
school cared whether or not he was in pain. All he wanted to do was go home and
crawl into bed, fall asleep and forget the whole miserable day ever happened.
"You really think it would make any difference?" Merton asked, venturing a
glance at Tommy before he lifted his backpack and carefully hoisted it onto the
side of his body with the least amount of pain. "They see what they want to
see, Tommy. It's not like I'm the only one, they pound on anyone that looks at
them wrong. So what if I quit wearing black clothes and spiking my hair, they'd
still call me a fag and pound the crap out of me just on principle."
He turned toward the entrance to the locker room, doing his best to ignore the
fact that Tommy was right behind him. "Well are you?"
Merton stopped short with his hand on the door, every fresh bruise screaming in
protest as he tensed and slowly turned around. "Am I what?" he asked, although
he already knew the answer to the question.
Tommy cleared his throat and rocked back on his heels, not quite meeting
Merton's gaze. Merton supposed he should be at least somewhat mollified by the
fact that the taller boy at least looked embarrassed, but he'd had about as
much humiliation as he could stand for one day and coming out to the captain of
the football team wasn't high on his list of priorities. "Forget it," Tommy
said, his cheeks flushing a flattering shade of pink. "Totally none of my
business."
"No," Merton said, anger and embarrassment making him a lot braver than he
would be under any other circumstances. "You asked so you must want to know.
What happens if I say yes? You gonna finish what your friends started? Because
I'm pretty sure I still have a couple places left to bruise," he added, lifting
his shirt and craning his neck to try to get a look at his back. There were
angry-looking fist-shaped bruises forming over his kidneys, he knew they looked
a lot worse than they were but the affect was still interesting.
"Jesus," Tommy murmured, his eyes wide as he took in the discoloration covering
at least half of Merton's stomach. The bruises were just beginning to form, but
he could tell by the next day the smaller boy would look like he'd been used as
somebody's punching bag. Which, for all rights and purposes, he had.
"It's not as bad as it looks," Merton muttered, dropping his shirt back over
his torso and turning away from Tommy as he realized what he'd said and who
he'd said it to. The day had started off bad and it was just getting worse and
worse, the best he could do now was go home and lock himself in his room before
he said anything else to humiliate himself. "Thanks for the rescue."
For a second Tommy stood frozen in place as Merton yanked the locker room door
open and walked away, but as soon as the door closed behind him Tommy snapped
out of it and followed. "Merton, wait up," he called, jogging down the hall
toward the quickly retreating figure. "Look, you shouldn't walk home by
yourself. The idiot twins are probably waiting outside for another chance to
get you alone."
Merton cast a suspicious glance at Tommy, ignoring the way his heart skipped as
he took in the other boy's profile. He was cute, okay, and granted Merton had
always kind of admired him from afar. That didn't change the fact that Tommy
Dawkins was one of the popular kids, though, and it didn't make it any less
embarrassing that he'd just asked Merton in so many words if he was gay. That
shouldn't matter, but Merton was smart enough to know the difference between
the way things should work and the way they did work. "I'll be fine," he said
without bothering to look over at Tommy again. "Besides, I have my car."
Tommy sighed but Merton managed somehow to keep his gaze focused on the
linoleum until they reached the entrance to the school, pushing the door open
with his shoulder and swallowing a sharp cry as the metal door connected with a
bruise he hadn't been aware of until that moment. He could feel Tommy's eyes on
him but he chose to ignore the unwanted attention, willing the other boy to
lose interest in playing superhero and go back to whatever he'd been doing
before he decided to ride to Merton's rescue. Tommy seemed intent on escorting
him out to the parking lot, though, and as they finally reached his hearse he
stopped and dug around in his pockets until he found his keys.
"This is what you drive?"
"Yeah, so?" Merton shot back, finally forcing himself to look up. Tommy's
eyebrows were raised as he stared at the car, and Merton could practically see
the wheels in his head turning as he tried to come up with something nice to
say.
"Well, hey, at least you've got wheels, right?" Tommy finally managed, although
Merton could tell that wasn't what he was really thinking. "My parents won't
spring for a car, they say I have to get a job if I want one."
Merton ignored the attempt at conversation and unlocked the driver's side door,
glancing around the parking lot as he realized for the first time that Tim and
Travis were nowhere to be found. "Look, do you want a lift home or something?"
"Nah, it's not far," Tommy answered, shoving his hands in the pockets of his
jeans as he began backing away from the car. "See you around."
"Yeah, see you," Merton muttered as he watched the other boy turn and walk in
the direction of the football field. He swallowed against a sudden tightness in
his throat and shook his head, remembering too late what a bad idea that was.
When the pain finally subsided he sighed and got into the car, forcing himself
to think about his bed and not what was possibly the strangest day he'd ever
had.
~
Merton spent the majority of the following day alternating between avoiding Tim
and Travis and trying his best to stay awake in class. The twins never touched
him, but from the menacing glares and guttural sounds they directed at him
whenever their paths crossed he got the distinct impression that things between
them were far from settled. Class wasn't even a respite from the constant
threat of bodily harm, because he was so tired from tossing and turning all
night that he could barely keep his eyes open during the day. His teachers kept
asking him if he was feeling alright, and he wasn't sure if he'd convinced any
of them that he was. He wasn't even sure, but he wasn't about to admit it to
anyone. The truth was he'd spent most of the night lying awake wondering why
Tommy Dawkins had bothered to stop the twins from using his face as a punching
bag, not that he could have slept anyway with the amount of pain he was in.
The only thing that had gone right that day was that he'd managed not to run
into Tommy, not that they traveled in the same circles as a general rule. In
fact he rarely saw Tommy around campus, they didn't have any classes together
and their schedules seemed to be opposite. So any worry he had that he'd run
into the star quarterback was more or less unfounded, but considering his luck
this would be the day he saw Tommy after every single class.
He walked into his last class and slid stiffly into a seat in the back of the
room, his gaze focused on the desk in front of him as he prayed that his
teacher wouldn't call on him for anything. He was way too tired to keep up the
pretense that he was fine, and he had no idea whether or not he'd done his
homework for the class. The truth was he'd felt a little fuzzy all day, every
so often he'd see little spots of color floating in front of him and have to
stifle the urge to throw up. After that he'd be dizzy for about fifteen
minutes, but he didn't bother to go to the nurse. If he thought she'd send him
home he might have considered it, but the last thing he felt like doing was
lying on a cot in her office while she eyed him suspiciously and tried to get
him to admit he was faking it.
Besides, it was only one more class and then he could go home and catch up on
his sleep. There was no reason to obsess about Tommy Dawkins, that much was for
sure. He was probably just performing his civic duty for the week or something,
maybe he went around keeping Tim and Travis in check as part of his duties as
captain of the team. More likely he just didn't want Merton bleeding on the
locker room floor. He rolled his eyes and sank a little further into his chair
as class started, instantly regretting the movement when the room began to
spin. His eyes slid closed and he leaned forward as far as he dared without
actually putting his head down and drawing attention to himself, willing the
dizziness to subside so he could just make it through AP Chemistry without
passing out.
Through most of the class he fought to stay focused, doing his best to ignore
the spots of color floating in front of his eyes every time he tried to look at
the front of the room. As long as he kept his eyes on the top of his desk it
was okay, he wasn't sure he'd be able to stand up at the end of class but at
least he wasn't passing out in front of all his classmates. That was the last
thing he needed, after yesterday he really didn't want any more attention.
Granted none of Tommy's crowd was in his Chemistry class, it was mostly the
really smart kids that competed for grades and wouldn't know a touchdown from a
grand slam. It wasn't a big school, though, and if he passed out it would get
back to Tim and Travis and everyone else and they'd never let him forget what a
wuss he was.
After what felt like forever the bell finally rang and he leaned over slowly to
reach for his backpack, taking his time while the rest of the class filed out
of the room. Finally they were all gone and he stood up slowly, catching
himself on the edge of his desk when the room started spinning. "Mr. Dingle,"
his teacher's voice sounded in his ear, and he swallowed hard and forced his
eyes open again.
Slowly he turned toward the front of the room, forcing his expression to go
blank as he met his Chemistry teacher's gaze. "Yes, Mr. Clark?"
"I was surprised that you didn't appear to be interested in getting involved in
the tutoring program."
Merton frowned, which immediately sent sharp jolts of pain down his neck and
into his spine. "Tutoring?" he choked out around the pain.
"Yes, Merton, the program I spent the first twenty minutes of class explaining.
It's a volunteer program, of course, but given your interest in teaching I
thought certainly you'd be eager to sign up to help your fellow students get
through their classes."
"Oh, yeah, sorry," Merton muttered, his breathing shallow as he tried and
failed to ignore a sudden flash of black before his vision cleared again.
"I…um…I'm interested, I just…" He trailed off as his knees began to give out,
the floor rushing up to meet him as the blackness overtook him again. Before he
hit the floor he felt someone catch him, and he managed to focus long enough to
see Mr. Clark lowering him to the linoleum before he passed out completely.
When he woke up again it was to the sound of his mother's voice, her normally
even tone slightly hysterical as she demanded to know why no one had noticed
that something was wrong with her son. He wanted to laugh at that, to point out
that she hadn't noticed anything was wrong with him the night before. All he
managed was a low groan, though, and instantly there were at least four people
hovering over him. "Merton? Sweetie, can you hear me?"
"Mom, I'm okay," he mumbled, although he wasn't sure how close to English he
actually got. The voices sounded like they were coming from the end of a
tunnel, even his own voice sounded far-away and tinny. "What happened?"
"You fainted, sweetie," his mother said, gripping his hand too tightly as
someone he hoped was a doctor shone a light in his eyes and poked around at his
head. "You're covered in bruises and you have a welt on the back of your head
the size of a baseball. You're in the hospital."
He groaned for an entirely different reason as he realized why everything had
an echo; he hated hospitals, he hated the way they smelled and the way
everything was so white and especially the way everyone's voices bounced off
the walls. There was no way he was staying in the hospital, they shouldn't even
have brought him here in the first place. He just needed to get some sleep,
that's all. When he tried to sit up, though, strong hands caught him and eased
him back onto the uncomfortable bed.
"Careful," a strange voice said, "don't want to hurt yourself again. Now you
just relax and let us take care of you."
"I'm not staying here," Merton hissed at his mother, ignoring the person he
assumed was some type of medical professional. "I have a test tomorrow."
Somebody laughed, which just made him even more determined to get the hell out
of there as fast as possible. When he finally managed to focus on his mother's
face, though, he knew it was a lost cause. "Merton, honey," she said, patting
his hand sympathetically, "I know you don't want to be here but you need to do
what the doctor says. You've got a concussion, sweetie. What on earth happened
to you?"
"I got in a fight," he admitted, looking down at the sheet covering him so he
wouldn't have to see the horror no doubt etched in his mother's features. "It
was no big deal."
"No big deal? You passed out! Who did this to you? Did it happen at school?"
He sighed and closed his eyes, hoping that if he pretended to be asleep she'd
take a hint and go away. She was going to overreact, he'd known her for
seventeen years and she'd never not overreacted in all that time so he knew how
this conversation would go. The best he could hope for was that he could
postpone it long enough to get his head to stop spinning.
"Mrs. Dingle," the strange and oddly reassuring voice said again, "perhaps it
would be best if you let your son get a little rest. I'm sure he'll be better
able to tell you what happened after he's gotten some sleep."
Well, maybe doctors weren't completely useless after all, Merton thought as he
peered out from under one partly closed eyelid and watched the man usher his
mother into the hallway. He knew she'd be back, most likely with his father and
possibly his sister in tow, but he'd worry about that later. As much as he
hated the fact that he was stuck in the hospital overnight it beat having to go
home and listen to a barrage of questions he didn't want to answer. Someone
came back into the room but he didn't bother to open his eyes, assuming it was
the nurse checking to make sure he hadn't died in the last two minutes. That
was another thing that drove him crazy about hospitals, just when you got to
sleep they'd come in and wake you up to give you a pill to help you sleep.
He heard another set of footsteps walk into the room and turned his head in the
direction of the sound without opening his eyes, straining to hear the hushed
commands his doctor was giving to the nurse on duty. "Wake him up every hour or
so, other than that he should be fine. Try to keep him as still as possible as
well, he's lucky he didn't fracture a rib. Whoever did this to him certainly
didn't hold anything back."
For the first time since he woke up Merton realized that his torso was wrapped,
and he shifted a little on the mattress and reached down to run a hand over the
bandage. Fractured ribs? Sure, it had hurt to bend today and he hadn't been
able to get comfortable last night but he hadn't really thought they'd done
that much damage. The other times Tim and Travis had pounded on him it hadn't
been this bad, though, and he'd never hit his head as hard as he did yesterday.
He sighed and tried his best to get comfortable without actually turning over,
willing his mind to go blank so he could sleep. The best he could hope for was
that no one at school would hear about what happened, if word got out he was
going to have to transfer to private school or maybe leave the state entirely.
***** Chapter 2 *****
They let him go home the next day with strict instructions not to move around
any more than he had to, which pretty much meant his mother had him confined to
his room at all times. He had two bruised ribs and a concussion, which his
little sister took great delight in assuring him would cause brain damage. He
didn't even have the heart to make a smart remark about how she'd already beat
him to the brain damage at birth, because the fact that Becky knew what
happened meant everyone at school would know by the time his mother let him out
of his room again. She was only a freshman while he was a senior, but the girl
could spread gossip faster than anyone in the history of Pleasantville High.
The fact that she was gossiping about her own family didn't even phase her, in
fact Merton had a sneaking suspicion that she enjoyed it more because of that.
The only consolation he had was that the day they let him out of the hospital
was a Friday, and he was hoping that by the time Monday rolled around his
mother would be sick enough of him to let him go back to school. It wasn't so
much that he actually enjoyed school, but his classes were hard and the last
thing he needed was to fall behind just because his mother was feeling
overprotective. He hadn't actually broken anything, after all, it was just a
little bump on the head. His father had managed to stop his mother from
badgering him about the specifics of his injuries, but he knew it was only a
matter of time before they declared him well enough to talk about it and made
him confess the truth.
Visions of his parents suing the school and Tim and Travis made his head spin
all over again and he settled back on his pillows, closing his eyes and
resigning himself to at least one more day in bed. He must have drifted off
because the next thing he heard was his bedroom door opening, and he glanced at
the clock to find that it was after 4:00 pm. He turned toward the door again,
expecting to find his mother looking to shove some more food down his throat,
but when he saw who was standing in the doorway he sat up too fast and had to
close his eyes immediately.
"Damn," he muttered as he clutched his head and waited for the flash of pain to
subside, making a mental note not to make any more sudden movements for the
rest of the night. "What are you doing here?"
Tommy swallowed and inched a little closer to the bed, letting the door close
behind him as he eyed Merton almost nervously. "I heard you passed out
yesterday," he said. "Then you weren't in school today so I figured I'd stop by
and see if you were okay."
"I'm fine, thanks," Merton muttered, his cheeks flushing as he felt another
wave of pain and had to squeeze his eyes shut again. "Shouldn't you be at
football practice or something?"
"Coach cut it short because of the game tomorrow," Tommy answered, his forehead
furrowed as he took a few more steps into the room. "Look, Merton, about what I
said the other day, I feel bad. I mean I don't want you thinking I'm a total
asshole like T'n'T, that wasn't why I asked."
The throbbing at the base of Merton's skull was forgotten as he looked up
curiously, searching the other boy's features for a clue as to why he was
there. He was still back on how Tommy knew where he lived in the first place,
though, and for the life of him he couldn't imagine why the most popular guy in
school felt the need to apologize for assuming the truth about him. "Why did
you ask then?"
"I don't know." Tommy shrugged and sat down on the edge of the mattress,
careful not to come in contact with any part of Merton's body. His gaze
wandered briefly over the smaller boy's torso and Merton remembered for the
first time that he wasn't wearing a shirt, angry-looking bruises and the
bandage around his ribs the only thing covering his otherwise pale skin. He
held his breath while Tommy studied his injuries, then looked away quickly when
his unexpected guest looked up again. "I guess it's just the whole look, I mean
the frilly shirts, the velvet…Jesus, Merton, look at your room. What guy has
candles everywhere?"
Merton bristled at the accusation and glanced around his room, swallowing as he
consciously realized for the first time what his room must look like to the
untrained eye. What bothered him wasn't so much that Tommy thought he was gay,
it bothered him to get the crap beat out of him for it but it wasn't something
he'd ever felt particularly ashamed of. The thought that Tommy or anybody else
just assumed he was gay because of the clothes he wore was what got to him.
"Just because I chose a certain look doesn't say anything about my sexual
preference, you know," he hedged. Part of him wanted to just say the words and
watch Tommy's reaction, he had asked after all and Merton was dying to know why
he really wanted to know. There was no way Tommy Dawkins was actually gay, but
maybe he was curious. So far in his limited conversations with Tommy he hadn't
come off as a total moron like some of his friends on the football team, and
Merton was starting to wonder if there was more to him than met the eye. It was
a dangerous subject to ponder, though, so as soon as the thought surfaced he
forced it back down and turned his attention back to what he'd been saying. "I
mean, look at Marilyn Manson. He dresses in drag half the time but he's
sleeping with Rose McGowan. You can't tell just by looking at somebody what
they're like."
"I know," Tommy said quietly, his eyes still locked on Merton's. For a tense
moment they just sat on Merton's bed and stared at one another, then Tommy
cleared his throat and leaned back a little. "But come on, Marilyn Manson? Do
you seriously think that guy's straight?"
"Yeah, I do," Merton answered, laughing at the expression on Tommy's face. "The
clothes and makeup are just an act, he's selling an image. Look, the point is
that just because I'm interested in Goth and magic doesn't mean I'm a freak or
any of the other things your friends call me. I don't wear makeup, I don't
sacrifice small animals, I don't worship the devil. I just happen to like black
clothes and listening to Shriekback, you know? My being gay doesn't have
anything to do with it."
Tommy raised his eyebrows as the meaning behind Merton's last words sank in,
shifting uncomfortably on the mattress as he tore his gaze away from
surprisingly steady blue eyes to look down at his hands. "Yeah, well, I'm sorry
if I made you feel weird or anything. So you gonna be at school on Monday?"
Merton shrugged and stifled a sigh, telling himself that he knew that would be
Tommy's reaction. He didn't know what he'd been expecting, he should just be
grateful the guy didn't break his jaw for looking at him sideways. They weren't
going to be friends, let alone anything else, so it didn't matter anyway.
Still, it felt kind of good to get it out there, it was the first time he'd
ever said it out loud to another person and it hadn't been as terrifying as
he'd expected. "I don't know. Depends on whether or not my mother's ready to
let me out of my room."
Tommy laughed and stood up, standing next to the mattress with his hands on his
hips and looking down at Merton. "I like your mom, she's pretty cool."
"She'll be thrilled to hear it," Merton muttered, his cheeks flushing as he
imagined the things his mother had said to Tommy when she let him in.
"Look, I better take off, my mom'll have a cow if I'm not home in time for
dinner. I'm glad T'n'T didn't do any permanent damage. I'll make sure they back
off, don't worry about them." He started to reach out and clap Merton's
shoulder but before he made contact he thought better of it and pulled his hand
back, clearing his throat nervously. "So I'll see you around."
"Yeah, see you," Merton murmured, managing somehow to stay upright until the
door closed behind Tommy. When he found himself alone again he let out a low
groan and fell back against his pillows, ignoring the painful protests from
nearly every inch of his body as he closed his eyes and covered his face with
his hands.
He wasn't sure when he fell asleep, but he'd been drifting in and out of a
strange dream that he couldn't quite get his mind around when his bedroom door
opened again. A cool hand landed on his forehead and he stiffened, whimpering a
little as he forced his eyes open and found his mother staring down at him.
"Did you have a nice visit with your friend?" she asked, struggling to hide the
worry that hit her every time she caught sight of her son's injuries.
"He's not my friend," Merton muttered, his forehead furrowing as the memory of
Tommy's visit came flooding back. He still hadn't figured out why the captain
of the football team had come to see him, there was no reasonable explanation
for why Tommy Dawkins would care one way or the other whether or not he lived
or died. Sure, he seemed like an okay guy, but that didn't explain his interest
in Merton. He was nobody at Pleasantville High, just another target for bullies
in a sea of potential victims. His main priority in life was to keep his head
down and try to be noticed as little as possible until graduation, but for some
reason Tommy seemed determined to make Merton's welfare his personal
responsibility.
Why had he insisted on making sure Tim and Travis wouldn't bother Merton again?
Having Tommy as his personal watchdog was just going to make things worse for
him at school, because regardless of the guy's reasons for making Merton his
pet project he couldn't be there to save Merton's ass every minute of the day.
Then there was that weird conversation they'd had about Merton's choice of
clothes and the rumors that he was gay…why did Tommy care so much? The guy was
as straight as they came, he even had a girlfriend. As far as Merton knew
they'd been together since the beginning of the summer when she moved to town,
he'd been dating the head cheerleader Stacey when Lori moved to town but from
what he'd heard Tommy had dumped Stacey almost the same day he and Lori met.
"Merton? Honey?" He heard the worry in his mother's voice and forced his
attention back to her, swallowing a rush of guilt at the look on her face. "You
haven't heard a word I just said, are you having another dizzy spell?"
"No, Mom, I was just thinking about something," he assured her, willing the
image of Tommy out of his mind. So what if the most popular guy in school
turned out to be some kind of weirdo, he'd get bored with Merton soon enough
and then he could go back to fading into the woodwork. Chances were now that
Tommy had assuaged his own guilt and satisfied his curiosity he'd forget all
about Merton anyway, or give him a wide berth now that Merton had admitted the
truth. "Sorry, what were you saying?"
"I was just wondering what your visitor wanted if he's not a friend of yours,"
she answered, her expression guarded as she watched him swallow hard. "He
certainly seemed concerned about how you were doing when I answered the door."
"He's just a guy from school," Merton hedged, wondering how the hell he was
going to talk his way out of this one. He couldn't explain who Tommy was
without telling his mother the whole truth, and he'd promised Tommy he wouldn't
rat out his friends. Granted, Tommy didn't seem particularly interested in
whether he did or not, but a promise was a promise. "He heard about what
happened is all."
She shook her head and crossed her arms over her chest, fixing him with a gaze
that told him she wasn't buying a word he said. "So he just had to rush right
over and see if it was true? Is he the one that did this to you?"
"No!" Merton practically shouted, wincing immediately as he jarred his ribs
again. "No," he repeated more quietly when he caught his breath again. "Tommy
wouldn't…look, Mom, it was just a stupid fight, okay? Even if I told you who it
was it wouldn't do any good, the school can't stop that stuff. It would just
make it worse."
His mother frowned and opened her mouth to argue, but one look at her son's
pleading expression and her protest died on her lips. "Honey, you were
seriously injured. Your father and I can't protect you kids every minute like
we'd like to, but this kind of thing can't just be overlooked easily."
"Just trust me to know when to ask for help, okay?" he asked, holding his
breath as he played the only guilt card he had.
Finally she sighed and let her shoulders sag, shaking her head sadly before she
leaned over to kiss his forehead. "You know you can come to us about anything,
right?" she asked, and the slightly desperate edge in her voice tugged at
Merton's heart.
"I know, Mom. Thanks," he answered, managing a weak grin as she straightened up
and turned toward the door. When he was alone again he pushed himself carefully
off the mattress, holding his breath while he waited for the dizziness to
subside. Finally he caught his balance and slowly padded across the floor to
the bathroom, turning on the shower and carefully unwrapping his bandage before
he dropped his boxers to the floor. He stepped into the hot stream and leaned
back against the shower wall, closing his eyes and focusing on the feeling of
water beating against his skin so he wouldn't have to think about the events of
the past two days.
~
By the time Monday morning rolled around Merton was so sick of looking at his
bedroom walls that he thought he'd lose his mind. It had taken hours of
pleading and every guilt card he had to convince his parents to let him go to
school, but anything was better than lying on the couch and watching TV for
another day. He couldn't even sit long enough to surf the internet as a
distraction, but he didn't mention that to his parents because he knew if he
did they'd never let him go back to school. Managing to sit through class was
going to be interesting, but he was willing to put up with the pain if it meant
getting out of the house for a little while.
They wouldn't let him drive himself, but his father dropped him off on the way
into his office at the local University and Merton managed to look at least
reasonably healthy until the car pulled away from the curb. Once his dad's
Volvo turned the corner and disappeared out of sight he sucked in a deep breath
and let his backpack slide off his shoulder, staring at the stairs leading up
to the school as he wondered if this had been such a good idea after all. He
could barely carry his backpack, and the thought of climbing stairs made his
ribs protest loudly. His only consolation was that it was still early and there
weren't too many kids around to make actually getting into the building even
harder for him.
He was about to attempt to pick up his backpack again when he felt someone pick
it up off the sidewalk, groaning inwardly and bracing himself as he turned to
face whoever was about to make him regret he'd ever been born, let alone shown
up at school. To his surprise he found himself face to face with Tommy, his
backpack dangling from Tommy's free hand.
"Hey," Tommy said, his expression serious as he looked Merton up and down, "you
looked like you could use some help. What the hell are you doing here?
Shouldn't you still be flat on your back in bed?"
Merton shook his head and cast a nervous glance over Tommy's shoulder as he
realized the star quarterback wasn't alone. Standing next to and a little
behind him was an amused-looking blonde, her blue eyes shining with a
mischievous expression that Merton suspected was her normal look. "I couldn't
stand it anymore," he admitted, but he didn't move to take his backpack out of
Tommy's grip. He wanted to, the last thing he wanted was to accept more help
from Tommy Dawkins, but he knew he really should be home and the thought of
arguing with Tommy about carrying his books was too much for him.
"Yeah, I guess I can understand that," Tommy said, grinning as he watched
Merton. "Hey, you know Lori, right?" He gestured over his shoulder at his
girlfriend, her smirk turning into a genuine smile as Merton glanced at her
again.
"Hi," Merton muttered, not bothering to explain to Tommy that he and Lori had
never actually spoken before. He had a feeling it didn't really matter to Tommy
whether or not Merton knew his girlfriend, and if the star quarterback was
still feeling charitable Merton wasn't going to do anything to discourage him.
At least not until he managed to get up the steps into the school.
"Hey," Lori said, her amused look returning as she glanced between him and
Tommy. "Listen, I gotta go serve that detention before Mrs. Steinman has
kittens. I'll catch up with you later, okay?"
"Yeah, see ya," Tommy called after her, barely glancing in his girlfriend's
direction as she took off up the stairs without another word. When she was gone
he turned back to Merton, frowning for a moment before he shook his head and
glanced toward the entrance to the school. "You think you can make it up all
these stairs?"
For a moment Merton just stared at him, his mind racing as he tried to figure
out what was going on. From what he'd heard Lori and Tommy were practically
inseparable, but she'd just taken off with barely a backward glance. Tommy
didn't seem at all bothered by it, as though that was the way things always
were between them. Most of the high school couples he knew were so disgustingly
into each other that they practically needed to be hosed down in the hallways,
but Tommy and Lori acted like they weren't even dating.
"Earth to Merton," Tommy said, an amused grin lighting up his features as
Merton started and focused on him. "You totally zoned out there, you sure you
don't just want to go home?"
Merton shook himself and told himself not to let his imagination get away from
him. Maybe they just didn't want to make Merton uncomfortable or something,
considering what he'd told Tommy the day before. The thought that it would be
all over school in no time occurred to him suddenly and he paled, caught
between wanting to beg Tommy not to say anything and wanting to not care. "No,
I'm okay," he managed, ignoring Tommy's concerned expression as he turned
toward the entrance to the school again.
"If you say so," Tommy murmured, hoisting Merton's backpack over his shoulder.
"You need some help with the stairs or anything?"
Merton shook his head, not trusting his voice as he stole another glance at
Tommy. He wanted to ask why Tommy was being so nice to him when they'd never
spoken before the other day in the locker room, but he was afraid of the
answer. The last thing he wanted to deal with was Tommy's pity, and part of him
was afraid that if he drew Tommy's attention to what was happening between them
he'd back off. Merton hadn't decided yet if that was a good thing or a bad
thing, he wanted to believe that pushing Tommy away was for the best but he
couldn't bring himself to do it.
He forced his legs to carry him up the stairs out of sheer force of will,
ignoring the protests from his ribs and abdomen every time he took another
step. Somehow he managed to keep the pain off his face as he followed Tommy
into the school, forcing himself not to wonder why Tommy knew exactly where his
locker was. When they reached it he stopped and turned to look at the other
boy, not quite meeting Tommy's eyes as he reached for his backpack. "Thanks."
"Least I could do," Tommy answered, shrugging the backpack off his shoulder and
handing it to Merton. "I mean after what happened…"
"That wasn't your fault," Merton answered quickly.
"Yeah, I know. It just sucks, you know? That those guys would do that just
because…" He trailed off and looked away, taking a deep breath as he watched
the first of the students begin to drift toward their lockers. "Listen, I
better get going. See you later."
Merton waved weakly as Tommy backed away, struggling to hide his confusion at
Tommy's behavior. The best thing he could do was ignore it and try to forget
the fact that Tommy seemed to feel guilty about something that had nothing to
do with him. It didn't mean anything, Tommy was just a nicer guy than he'd
given him credit for. He told himself to stop trying to figure it out and just
focus on getting through the day, gingerly placing his books in his locker and
getting ready for his first class.
He tried not to focus on Tommy and their strange conversation during the day,
but his mind kept wandering back to the fact that the star of the football team
had actually admitted to feeling bad about something that wasn't even his
fault. He'd assumed that once he finally admitted that he was gay that Tommy
would back off, it was one thing to be curious but to keep being nice to Merton
after he knew the truth…he didn't expect that, not from one of the popular
kids. Then again, Tommy did pretty much set the trend for everyone at
Pleasantville High, so maybe he just figured he could do what he wanted and no
one would say anything. Even if what he wanted was to befriend one of
Pleasantville High's least popular citizens.
"Hey freaker." His sister's voice interrupted his train of thought and Merton
stopped sort, turning slowly so he wouldn't cause himself any more pain than he
was already in after sitting through a double history class.
"Always a pleasure, Becky," he shot back sarcastically. "What do you want?"
She smiled sarcastically and held up a baggie, dangling it in front of him just
far enough away that he couldn't reach it. "Mom said to give you these. Said
you forgot your afternoon pills and if you didn't take them you'd be miserable.
Personally I think that sounds like it might be fun to watch."
"Ah, the joys of being an only child," Merton muttered as he reached for the
baggie only to watch Becky snatch it back.
"Not so fast," she said, smirking when he scowled at her and utter a few choice
phrases under his breath. "There's a rumor going around that you were talking
to Tommy Dawkins this morning. Is it true?"
For a second Merton was confused, the hallways were empty when they got into
the building, but Tommy had lingered at his locker long enough for a few people
to start wandering in. One of them must have seen them and thought it was weird
enough to pass the information along. "Why would I be talking to Tommy
Dawkins?" he said, frowning as he listened to the lie roll easily off his
tongue. He wasn't even sure why he was lying about it, but somehow he had the
feeling that the more he denied even knowing Tommy well enough to say hello the
safer he'd be. "Anyway, what do you care?"
Becky shrugged and handed the baggie over, tossing her hair over her shoulder
as she turned to walk away. "I don't care what you do, I just hate to think of
your freakishness rubbing off on the cutest guy in school. If he finds out what
a loser you are he might think I'm a loser too just for being related to you."
She turned and walked away, not bothering to wait to see her brother's
reaction. He scowled at her retreating figure and curled the painkillers into
his fist, part of him wishing that he'd told her the truth just to watch her
squirm. It wouldn't change what his sister thought of him, though, and he had a
distinct feeling that any rumor involving him and Tommy would be very bad for
his health.
***** Chapter 3 *****
Merton only saw Tommy a couple more times during the rest of the week, the
first time from across the cafeteria. He'd just gotten out of line and he was
carrying his tray toward the table where the smart kids usually congregated,
and when he looked up he happened to glance over to the jock table to find
Tommy looking right at him. He didn't wave or really acknowledge Merton at all,
but the fact that Tommy was watching him was unnerving enough that it was all
he'd been able to do not to drop his tray. That would have been more
humiliation than he could stand, though, so he just trained his eyes on the
cafeteria floor and made his way as carefully as possible to his table. When he
finally worked up the courage to venture another glance at Tommy he was engaged
in an animated conversation with the guys from the team, and Merton couldn't
help wondering if he'd just imagined the brief connection between them.
Two days later he still wasn't sure if he'd just imagined Tommy watching him in
the cafeteria, but he'd resolved not to think about it. It wasn't doing him any
good to obsess about someone that obviously wasn't going to be part of his
life, they couldn't be friends and that was all there was to it. They probably
didn't even have anything in common, Merton was into computers and spells and
Tommy spent half his life on the football field. So even if Tommy wanted to be
friends with him it was pointless, because they lived in two completely
different worlds.
He was giving himself that lecture for the hundredth time on Friday morning as
he got out of his father's car and started up the steps toward the entrance to
the school, stopping short when he heard someone calling his name. Slowly he
turned to find Tommy and Lori making their way toward him, Lori's features lit
up in her usual mischievous grin. "Hey," Tommy said as they reached him, his
expression serious. "You feeling better?"
"Yeah, uh, thanks," Merton stammered, forcing his expression to go blank as he
glanced from Tommy to Lori and then back again. "Do you guys always get here so
early?"
"Nah, Lori's got early detention again. She can't keep her big mouth shut in
French class and her teacher's got it in for her," Tommy answered, his
shoulders relaxing as he smiled at Merton. "She gives me a lift to school so
when she gets detention I pay too."
"Keep complaining, Dawkins," Lori teased, slapping Tommy's arm playfully. "If
you don't like it you can walk. Or better yet, take the bus." She laughed and
raced up the stairs out of his reach before he could react. "Better get inside,
see you guys later."
Merton frowned as he watched her disappear, warning himself not to read into
the fact that they didn't act like a couple. It was none of his business
anyway, and he'd never really seen them together. He couldn't base an opinion
on their entire relationship on the way they acted this early in the morning.
Finally he forced himself to turn back to Tommy, starting slightly when he
found the other boy studying his profile.
"You look a lot better," Tommy said, his expression thoughtful as he watched
Merton flush. "I saw you at lunch the other day and you looked a little shaky,
but you look better today. T'n'T haven't been hassling you, have they?"
Merton shook his head, not trusting his voice not to betray him. So he hadn't
imagined that moment in the cafeteria after all, although part of him almost
wished he had. He couldn't afford to develop a crush on a guy like Tommy
Dawkins, it would just make senior year that much more unbearable. He couldn't
help wondering why Tommy was keeping an eye on him, though, he'd expected the
other boy to have forgotten all about him by now.
"Good," Tommy said, turning toward the direction in which Lori had disappeared
and glancing over at Merton as though he was expecting him to follow. "So what
are you doing here so early, anyway? Most of the kids with cars get here as
late as possible."
"My parents have been weird about letting me drive this week," Merton answered,
congratulating himself silently on the fact that his voice didn't crack. "The
only way I got them to let me out of the house was if my dad dropped me off and
picked me up all week. It's probably not a bad idea anyway, I wouldn't wanna
black out and accidentally kill somebody."
Tommy frowned as he stole another glance at Merton. "You black out?"
"Not since this weekend," Merton said, checking the urge to roll his eyes at
himself. His penchant for dumb jokes in the middle of conversation was always
getting him weird looks, but for the first time it actually bothered him. "But
you never know. I mean I feel okay, still a little sore but the bruises are
fading."
They stopped walking and he realized they were in front of his locker again.
"Parents, go figure," Tommy said, and if Merton didn't know better he would
have sworn the other boy sounded nervous. It wasn't possible, though, Tommy
probably didn't even get nervous.
"Tell me about it." Merton opened his locker and shoved his books inside,
taking a deep breath before he closed it again and looked up at Tommy. "I have
to go talk to Mr. Clark about this thing…"
"Oh, yeah, no problem," Tommy said, shoving his hands in his pockets as he
began to back away. "See you."
"Yeah, see you," Merton called after him, his eyes glued to the back of Tommy's
head until the taller boy rounded the corner and disappeared. When he was
finally gone Merton let out a shaky breath, telling himself he'd done the right
thing. He didn't really have to talk to his Chemistry teacher about the
tutoring program that minute, but the less time he spent around Tommy the safer
he was. He just couldn't afford to get distracted by a hopeless crush, not in
his senior year. He had college to focus on, and he had to keep his grades up
if he wanted to get into the summer research program at Johns Hopkins. Even
with his dad's contacts in the Chemistry field he knew he'd never get into the
program if he spent his whole senior year mooning over the quarterback and
failed all his classes.
"Get a grip, Merton," he hissed under his breath, turning and forcing his legs
to carry him to Mr. Clark's classroom. When he reached the room his teacher
wasn't there yet, so Merton took a seat in one of the desks closest to the
front of the room and tried to convince himself that he wasn't attracted to
Tommy Dawkins. So what if his eyes were the perfect shade of green, he didn't
find the curls around Tommy's temples charming and he definitely didn't melt
every time that crooked grin was directed at him. Sure, the deep, rich voice
was nice to listen to but he wasn't into the strong, solid type. He preferred a
more intellectual guy, at least he'd always thought he did. There was
definitely something about Tommy, not that he'd ever admit it to anyone else,
but he wasn't so irresistible that Merton had to throw away the past three
years of work to suffer the pangs of an unrequited crush.
"Oh no," he moaned as he realized that it was too late. He had a crush on the
most popular guy in school and he hadn't even seen it coming, and now it was
too late to do anything about it. If only Tommy had just let Tim and Travis
kill him that day in the locker room, that would have been preferable to the
misery he was facing now. He put his head down on the desk and rocked it back
and forth, wracking his brain for anything about Tommy that he hated enough to
make him lose interest. He was on the football team…that was definitely big. It
was a huge part of Tommy's life and Merton would never fit into a life like
that. The only problem was that Merton didn't really mind that Tommy was into
football, in fact he had to admit that he looked really hot in his uniform. It
wasn't Tommy's hobby that bothered him, it was the fact that he'd never fit
into that world.
It was the stupidest, most hopeless crush in the history of impossible high
school crushes, and there was no way he could just get over it. In fact if
anyone ever found out about his crush it could very well get him killed or
worse, humiliated so much that he'd have to drop out of school and do his
senior year over at another school. In another town. In another state, possibly
even another country. He should have signed up for foreign exchange, if he had
he wouldn't be in this mess. If only Tommy wasn't so damn nice…that was the
real problem, Tommy wasn't living up to his end of the bargain. He was supposed
to be an asshole like his friends on the team, if he was Merton wouldn't even
think twice about the color of his eyes or the way he looked in his jeans.
"I'm so dead," he muttered under his breath, his eyes still closed.
"Merton? Is everything alright?"
The sound of Mr. Clark's voice just made him groan, but he forced his head off
the desk and his eyes open. "Oh, sure, everything's fine," he answered,
managing a weak grin that he knew wasn't fooling anyone. Life as I know it is
over and the senior class will probably lynch me before winter break, but
everything's fine. He took a deep breath and sat up a little straighter,
forcing himself to pull it together. As long as he acted normal no one would
notice, he just had to stay away from Tommy. How hard could that be, right?
"I'm here about the tutoring program," he said, hoping his teacher would just
let the subject of his personal crisis drop. "It's not too late to sign up, is
it?"
"Not at all," Mr. Clark answered, although from his wary expression Merton
could tell he hadn't forgotten the scene he'd walked in on. "In fact I have the
perfect student to pair you up with. Tutoring Chemistry will look great on your
transcripts, especially if you're still planning to apply to the summer
research program."
"Definitely," Merton said, biting his lip to keep from expressing just how much
he was looking forward to getting as far away from Pleasantville as possible.
"Fabulous," Mr. Clark said, rounding the front of his desk and sitting on the
edge to peer down at Merton. He pushed a lock of dirty blonde hair out of his
eyes and crossed his arms over his chest, his eyebrows raising slightly as he
watched Merton squirm in his chair. "We'll be using the library for tutoring,
the official hours are Tuesdays and Thursdays right after school but if you and
your student want to work out an alternate schedule that works better for both
of you that's fine."
"Sounds great," Merton said, not quite meeting his teacher's gaze as he stood
up and inched toward the door. "Well, I better head for homeroom. I'll see you
in class."
"Merton, are you sure you're okay?" Mr. Clark asked, standing up to follow
Merton toward the door. "You seemed to be recovering pretty well from your
injuries, but if you want to talk about what happened or anything else…"
"I'm okay, really," Merton answered quickly, his cheeks burning at the thought
of discussing his current crisis with anyone, much less a teacher.
Mr. Clark nodded and opened the classroom door, his usual easy grin returning
as Merton finally ventured a glance at him. "Fair enough. But if you ever want
to talk my door's always open."
~
Merton spent most of the weekend avoiding everyone as much as possible, hiding
out in his bedroom and thinking of all the ways he could possibly humiliate
himself the next time he ventured out of the house. He'd already done a pretty
good job of that over the past week, but if word got out about his fixation on
Tommy Dawkins he'd never be able to show his face in Pleasantville again. He
could just see it, Tommy and Lori laughing at him while the football team
pounded him to within an inch of his life just for thinking about their leader
that way.
The trouble was that the more he tried not to think about it, the harder it was
to chase the image of Tommy out of his mind. They still hadn't exchanged more
than a few words, it wasn't as though they could even call themselves
acquaintances much less friends. They were classmates, they just happened to
attend the same school. Their circle of friends was so different that they
might as well be living in different worlds, though, Merton was painfully aware
of that fact. It had never bothered him before that he wasn't one of the
popular crowd, but for the first time in his life he found himself envious of
them only because they got to hang out with Tommy.
It was disgusting and embarrassing and he couldn't even tell his own handful of
friends about it because he hadn't even come out to them, and even if he did
they'd never forgive him for falling for Tommy. He was a traitor, and that was
exactly how they'd all see it. He'd never been quite so disappointed in himself
before, not even when he lost the Academic Decathalon back in junior high
because he blanked on the name of Charles Dickens' most popular novel. That had
been humiliating enough, but this…this was just downright dangerous to his
physical and emotional well-being. It would be one thing if he just admired
Tommy from afar, but just when he'd finally managed to stop thinking about him
with every other breath Tommy would show up again and it would start all over.
It didn't even take a few awkward minutes of conversation, all Tommy had to do
was look at him across the cafeteria and he was beside himself.
"Pathetic," he murmured for the thousandth time as he pulled into a parking
space in front of the school. He'd spent most of Sunday night going back and
forth between faking a relapse or just going to school and facing his doom head
on, finally settling on the latter just so he wouldn't have to listen to his
mother overreact. She still hadn't let the whole fight mystery go, and he was
afraid if he pretended he was still in a lot of pain she'd do something crazy
like sue the school. He already had enough problems without his mother freaking
out any more, so he forced himself to go to school.
He made his way through a crowded hall to his locker, taking his time arranging
his books for the day so he wouldn't have to deal with any conversation before
homeroom started. Small talk was beyond him lately, it seemed like it was all
he could do to focus in class long enough to get his assignments done. If he
had to worry about dealing with any more sympathetic looks or questions about
passing out in school he was going to seriously lose it, and then they'd really
have something to talk about. By the time he heard the first bell ring and
looked around the hallway was practically deserted, so he closed his locker and
turned toward homeroom.
Before he made it halfway down the hall he felt a hand close around his arm and
then he was being yanked backwards, his shoulders colliding with a massive
chest. He didn't even have to look to see who it was, and his heart lodged in
his throat as he braced for the inevitable. "Well, well, if it isn't the little
crybaby," Travis sneered, stepping in front of Merton and cracking his
knuckles. "Maybe we should make sure you can't go cry to your mama this time."
Merton swallowed hard, his book and notebook slipping out of his hand and
hitting the floor with a dull thud. He looked around but there was no one in
sight, and even if another student happened to see them the chances of them
being willing to risk turning in T'n'T were slim. He didn't bother to put up a
struggle as Tim grasped his arms and drug him into the bathroom, sending up a
fervent prayer that he'd lose consciousness quickly so he wouldn't have to feel
too much pain during the actual assault. He still had some of those painkillers
left from the last time, maybe by the time he woke up again someone would have
found him and been kind enough to dope him up.
"Guys, I swear, I didn't tell anyone," Merton said as the twins each took an
arm and pinned him to the tile wall inside the bathroom. He opened his mouth in
another futile attempt to beg for mercy or at least request that they kill him
this time and get it over with, but a fist to his stomach effectively stopped
him from speaking at all. He gasped and sucked in a painful breath, his eyes
closing reflexively as he waited for the next blow.
"What the hell did you do to Tommy?" Travis snarled, grabbing Merton by the
hair and yanking his head up. The smaller boy's eyes snapped open reflexively
and he stared at the twins, struggling not to react to breath that smelled of
onions and rancid oil as he tried to figure out what the question meant.
"Answer the question, freak," Tim joined in, twisting the arm still in his grip
hard enough to leave a mark. "We know you did something to him, was it one of
your freak spells or are you just blackmailing him?"
"Wha-what are…" Merton trailed off and sucked in another sharp breath, wincing
as one of his slowly healing ribs reminded him that it wasn't quite healed yet.
"What are you talking about?" he finally forced out through gritted teeth.
Travis didn't answer right away, he just closed his fist and delivered a solid
blow to Merton's left kidney. He didn't quite manage to bite back the cry of
pain that tore from his throat, ending up choking on the sound as they held him
against the wall. "You know what we mean," Travis said once Merton started
breathing again. "Since when does Tommy give a damn about a loser like you? You
had to do something to him, otherwise he wouldn't care what we do to you."
Realization slowly dawned on Merton, and suddenly he wished he knew enough
about spell-casting to actually have that kind of power over someone. If he did
the twins certainly wouldn't be a problem, that much was for sure. He wouldn't
use it on Tommy, though, not like that. The thought of making someone have
feelings for him made his stomach turn in a completely different way than the
pain currently making his head throb. He didn't bother denying it, though, he
knew it wouldn't do any good. They were just looking for an excuse, no matter
what he said there was no way he was making it to homeroom in one piece.
He tried not to think about the damage the last punch probably inflicted on his
internal organs as he braced himself for another blow, but it never came. The
next thing he felt was Tim's grip on him slackening, and he looked toward the
door at the sound of a throat clearing. Tim let go of him completely just as
his knees buckled and he felt himself stumble a little, remaining upright only
by sheer force of will. "Merton, are you alright?" Mr. Clark asked, his stern
gaze wavering between Merton as he struggled to keep on his feet and the two
boys on either side of him.
"Yeah, I'm okay," Merton lied, more or out force of habit than anything else.
The truth was that all he really wanted to do was go home and go to bed, but he
didn't want to deal with a bunch of questions from his mother. He wasn't sure
how he felt about Mr. Clark stopping Tim and Travis from teaching him whatever
lesson they thought he needed to learn, on the one hand he wasn't sure he could
stand another beating so soon after the last one but the humiliation of having
to be rescued again was too much.
"Go to the nurse's office then," Mr. Clark said quietly, turning his attention
to Tim and Travis as soon as Merton was safely past them. "You two, with me."
Merton ignored the protests from the twins as he walked ahead of them into the
hall, willing himself not to feel the glares they were shooting at him or hear
them trying to convince Mr. Clark that they were just talking. He tried not to
think about anything as he made his way to the nurse's office and sank into a
chair to wait for someone to call his mother. Somehow he managed to not think
about anything while he waited, forcing his mind to go blank so he wouldn't
have to think about what was going to happen after today.
Twenty minutes later he found himself sitting in the front seat of his mother's
car, staring blankly out the windshield as she drove them home in silence. He'd
expected her to come in with both guns blazing, talking lawsuits or yelling
about how this could have happened again. The entire time he sat in the nurse's
office and waited for her to show up he'd been bracing himself for impact,
fully expecting his mother to freak out. The fact that she was so quiet was
even more unnerving than listening to her yell, at least he'd expected her to
start asking questions the minute they got in the car.
In fact she didn't say a word to him until they got into the house and he
started toward his bedroom, and then she only stopped him to ask him if he
wanted anything to eat. He shook his head weakly and made his way to his
bedroom, collapsing gratefully onto his mattress and ignoring the all-too-
familiar protests from his aching body as he curled up on his side. He wasn't
really tired, but he couldn't handle facing anyone and he knew his mother
wasn't going to go back to work until she was sure he wasn't on death's door.
Right on cue his bedroom door creaked open, and he didn't bother to look up at
her as she let herself in and settled on the edge of his bed.
"Merton, honey?" she began, the concern in her voice making his throat tighten.
He swallowed hard to hold back a sudden surge of emotion and squeezed his eyes
shut, focusing on the sensation of his mother's hand stroking his hair to keep
himself from thinking about what had happened. "Sweetie, your father and I want
to help you but we can't if you won't talk to us. Those boys that did this to
you…"
"It's not just me," he answered, hoping if he convinced her they were equal-
opportunity bullies that she'd let it go. "They push everyone around, they're
just mad because they got caught last time. I guess they were finishing what
they started."
"Caught? You mean someone saw and the school didn't do anything?"
He shook his head against the pillow and let out a weary sigh, resigning
himself to the fact that she wasn't going to let it go. "No, that guy that came
over last week, Tommy. He stopped them last time."
"I see," his mother said, but Merton could tell by the sound of her voice that
she didn't understand at all why he hadn't just told her the truth in the first
place. She had no idea what it was like, there was no way she could. His mother
was beautiful and brilliant, with dark hair and exotic good looks. She'd led a
charmed childhood and now she was a respected political science professor at
the same school where his father taught physics. There was no way she could
understand what it was like to be different, to have the kids in your own
school call you a freak or give you a wide berth just because they didn't
understand you. Finally she pulled her hand away from his hair and patted his
shoulder gently, and without even looking he could tell she was struggling not
to cry. "We have to do something, you understand that, don't you?"
He nodded, his eyes still squeezed shut so he wouldn't have to see the look in
her eyes. The last thing he needed was to see disappointment in his mother's
dark eyes, after the confusing week he'd had he couldn't handle any more guilt
or confusion. He was disappointed enough in himself for getting himself into a
mess he couldn't get out of, a few more bruises from T'n'T were nothing
compared to the crush he'd managed to develop. If Tommy found out how he felt
he was pretty sure Tim and Travis wouldn't have to worry about him anymore
anyway. He couldn't make himself care what his parents decided was the best
course of action for dealing with high school bullies, no matter what they did
it would just make his life even more complicated.
Finally his mother stood up, leaning over to plant a soft kiss on his forehead
before she let herself out of his room and closed the door again. When he was
alone he let out another sigh and rolled onto his back, opening his eyes to
stare at the ceiling so he wouldn't have to think about the images dancing
behind his eyelids. Memories of Tim and Travis and what they were bound to do
to him once they got a hold of him again were all mixed up in Tommy's face,
that grin that did things to Merton he didn't even want to think about and the
concern in Tommy's eyes that first day in the locker room were confusing him
even more. That was the worst part, not knowing why Tommy Dawkins was so
interested in what happened to him. He wanted to wish that Tommy would just get
bored with him and leave him alone, but a tiny part of him couldn't help hoping
that Tommy would hear about what happened and come looking for him again.
***** Chapter 4 *****
"Merton, wait up."
The sound of the now-familiar voice made Merton flinch, but his footsteps
slowed in spite of his better judgement as Tommy caught up with him in the
hallway. He stole a quick glance at the taller boy's profile, barely stifling a
groan at the sight of Tommy's wind-reddened cheeks and the way he filled out
his letterman jacket.
"Coach told us what happened yesterday," Tommy said, lowering his voice as he
leaned a little closer to Merton. It was still early and the hallway was
practically deserted, but Tommy looked almost nervous that someone might
overhear them. Merton swallowed the rush of disappointment that thought
conjured up and took a step backwards, shifting his backpack to his other
shoulder. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," Merton answered, biting back the sarcastic comment that
instantly formed. He knew he should be grateful that Tommy was so concerned
about his welfare, but he still couldn't fathom why he cared. "I mean aside
from the usual humiliation of the whole school knowing what happened."
Tommy frowned, glancing down the hall in the direction of the main entrance to
the school. He appeared to be lost in thought, but whatever he was thinking he
evidently wasn't planning to share because when he turned back to Merton again
he just shrugged. "Yeah, well, I wouldn't have heard about it if Tim and Travis
weren't suspended."
"They kicked them out of school?" Merton asked, his heart in his throat as his
mind began constructing a scenario for the pummeling he'd get when they came
back to school. Maybe they wouldn't even bother to wait, maybe they'd just
corner him on the street when he was least expecting it. It wasn't like they
had anything to do while they were suspended other than plan his death.
He knew his fear was written all over his face but he couldn't manage to rein
it in; the thought of what Tim and Travis were going to do to him when they got
a hold of him was making his knees buckle. Evidently Tommy caught his
expression as well, because suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder and he
felt a warm rush start underneath Tommy's fingers and spread through his
extremities. "Listen, Merton, I'm sorry I made things worse with those two
morons. I didn't think they'd take it out on you. You're gonna have to stay out
of their way for awhile, but I might be able to get Coach to get them to back
off when they get back to school."
Merton was too busy wondering why Tommy was touching him and how long it would
be before he realized it and pulled his hand away to actually listen to what he
was saying. All he could think was that if Tommy went around touching him
whenever he felt like it Merton was never going to make it through the year in
one piece. How was he supposed to get over a crush when the object of his
affection kept reinforcing all the reasons he'd fallen for him in the first
place?
"Merton? You okay?"
"Huh? Oh, yeah," Merton murmured, his cheeks flushing as he looked up and met
Tommy's concerned gaze. He backed reluctantly out of the other boy's grip,
barely managing to stifle a sigh at the loss of strong fingers pressing into
his shoulder. "I better get going, I have some homework to finish before first
period."
"Yeah, okay," Tommy said, shoving his hands in his pockets as he watched Merton
back away. "See you later."
"Later," Merton echoed, turning on his heel and praying that Tommy couldn't see
how red his face was.
He didn't see Tommy again that day, but that didn't stop him from spending the
entire day floating on a cloud of confusion and barely repressed hope. He
didn't want to hope that there was more to Tommy than anyone would have
guessed, he couldn't start wondering about Tommy's interest in him if he wanted
to live through the year. So he'd come out to the guy and hadn't gotten killed
for it, so Tommy had touched his shoulder because he felt sorry for him. That
was all it was, pity for a guy that Tommy would never understand. He couldn't
afford to think it was more than that because if he did he'd ruin everything.
If it hadn't been for the fact that he had Chemistry with Mr. Clark last period
he might have forgotten that he was supposed to start tutoring that day, but
luckily his teacher reminded him as he followed the rest of his classmates out
of the room. The last thing he really felt like doing was sitting in the
library explaining Chemistry to some jock just so he wouldn't get kicked off
the team, but it would look good on his transcripts and it would help him get a
spot in the summer research program at Johns Hopkins. So he shoved his books in
his locker and forced himself to turn in the direction of the library, thankful
that at least he didn't have to worry about T'n'T waiting around to pound the
hell out of him once all the teachers were gone for the day.
He didn't bother looking around at the students that had already gathered at
the tables in the center of the room, making his way over to the check-out desk
and scanning the tutoring assignments until he found his name. When he looked
over in the next column to see who'd been assigned to him all the blood drained
from his face and he read it again to make sure he wasn't imagining things.
Lori Baxter? Lori? Tommy's Lori, as in Tommy Dawkins' girlfriend Lori. He
rolled his eyes heavenward and set the clipboard down on the counter again,
wondering if it was too late to make a run for it.
"Hey, you're my tutor? Cool, maybe this won't seem so much like having
detention after all," a feminine voice said, and he glanced to his right to
find Lori standing next to him, the list in her hand. She tossed it back on the
counter and grinned at him, glancing around the library at the students already
hard at work. "So you're some kind of genius, huh? That's cool."
Merton grinned back weakly and followed her toward an empty table, his body on
automatic pilot as he tried to figure out what he'd done to make the universe
hate him so much. That was the only explanation he could come up with for his
bad karma, all the things that had been happening to him lately had to be some
kind of karmic retribution for something he'd done wrong. Maybe in a former
life, not that he believed in reincarnation. At this point he was willing to
reconsider his views on that subject, though.
As soon as they were seated he dug his Chemistry book out of his backpack and
set it on the table, only glancing over at Lori again once he had his notebook
out and his pens neatly lined up on the table next to his book. Lori was
watching him with a slightly bemused expression, her head propped up on one
elbow and her blonde hair falling across her forehead. She hadn't made a move
to get a notebook or even her book out, and as he glanced around the table he
realized she didn't even have a backpack with her. He stifled a sigh and opened
his notebook to a fresh page before turning back to his student.
"So what do you need help with?" he asked, hoping his voice wouldn't crack or
anything. Tutoring one of the popular kids was one thing, if it was one of the
ones that didn't know him or care who he was it wouldn't be so bad. It just
figured he'd get stuck tutoring Lori Baxter, the only way the situation could
possibly be worse was if Tommy himself was the one sitting in the chair next to
him.
She shrugged and sank a little further into the uncomfortable wooden chair,
scowling as she tried and failed to get comfortable. "Beats me, Clark said if I
wanted to graduate I better show up here after school. I guess he wasn't too
happy with the fire I started the last time we had lab."
Merton laughed at the way her eyes lit up when she mentioned setting her lab
station on fire; he'd heard about the incident, the honors students had been so
upset about one of the lab stations being nearly destroyed that they'd talked
about it for almost a week. He remembered most of his friends talking about
dumb jocks and how 'serious' students should really get their own private lab,
at the time he'd just rolled his eyes and kept his mouth shut about public
schools and budget constraints. "That was you?"
"Oh yeah, I guess me and chemicals don't really mix. It wasn't like I did it on
purpose. It was pretty cool, though," she added, grinning mischievously as he
shook his head at her.
"Alright, I guess we can start with wherever your class is right now then,"
Merton said, pushing his book closer to her so they could both see it. "What
chapter is your class on?"
"Um…" Lori smirked at his sigh and reached for the book, flipping through it
until she found something that looked familiar. "Here, we had a quiz on this
Friday and I failed big time."
Merton nodded and glanced at the page in front of him, most of his nervousness
fading as he warmed up to a subject he knew well. Despite her flippant attitude
Lori was actually a good student; he was surprised to find that not only was
she smart but she was willing to listen to him explain the concepts from the
chapter. He was sure that she didn't really need a tutor, she probably just
needed to actually crack a book once in awhile. That didn't seem to be a big
priority for her, though, and Merton wasn't about to suggest a lifestyle change
to someone he didn't even know.
When their hour was up he closed the book and his notebook, stuffing them both
in his backpack before he stood up and looked over at her again. "So I guess
I'll see you on Thursday."
"Yeah, thanks Merton. You're a really good teacher. Only can we do this
someplace else? These chairs are the worst."
He returned her grin and nodded, thankful that at least he could talk to Lori
without tripping over his own tongue. Despite the fact that she was Tommy's
girlfriend she was easy to talk to, and as long as Tommy wasn't around while
they were working he might even survive being her tutor. "Mr. Clark said it was
okay if we met someplace else," he answered, frowning thoughtfully as he tried
to come up with a place. "I guess I could ask about using one of the
classrooms."
She shook her head and grabbed his arm, pulling him toward the door as she
spoke. "I was thinking more like somewhere outside the building entirely," she
said. "How about you just come over to my house Thursday after school? My
parents won't care and it'll be way more comfortable than doing this here."
"Okay," he said, flushing slightly at the thought of actually going to Lori
Baxter's house for any reason. Then again he was still just her tutor, it
didn't really matter where they studied. Besides, an hour twice a week until
Lori could handle Chemistry on her own wasn't a big deal. "Yeah, that's fine
with me."
"Great." She grinned and reached for his hand, taking his pen and writing her
address on his palm. "You know where that is, right?"
He glanced down at the address and nodded, his eyes widening slightly as he
realized what part of town she lived in. His parents were both professors so
they'd always been comfortable, but they weren't what he'd consider well-off by
any stretch of the imagination. Lori, however, lived in a neighborhood most of
the kids in school referred to as "The Fortress", mainly because of the high
brick privacy walls surrounding the community and the guard at the entrance to
the neighborhood. He'd never actually been inside but he knew the houses were
huge, and that everyone that lived in that area was rich. In fact he just
assumed all the kids that came from there went to private school.
"Okay, so I'll see you on Thursday," she said, turning toward the entrance to
the school. A second later she turned back and grinned again. "Oh, hey, I
almost forgot. When you get to the gate just tell the guard you're there for
the Baxters. They'll have to call the house before they let you in but it's no
big deal." Then she turned and walked away, leaving Merton standing in the
center of the hallway wondering what he'd gotten himself into.
~
By Wednesday night Merton was seriously considering whether or not he could
talk his parents into hiring a private tutor for his senior year. Maybe he
could just take his finals now and finish school early, or there was always the
GED. Either way he was sure he couldn't take much more of going to school and
having to see Tommy and Lori in the halls. It wasn't so much seeing Lori that
bothered him, it was the way Tommy looked at him when he happened to walk by
them and Lori actually said hi to him.
He'd been minding his own business walking to his English class, trying hard
not to hear any gossip in the halls. He kept expecting to hear his name in the
whispered conversations around him, and he figured the less he heard the less
he'd have to worry about it. So it took him off guard when someone tapped his
shoulder, and he looked up to find Lori and Tommy walking past him. They were
already past him when he looked up but Lori was grinning over her shoulder, her
eyes lit up as she said hi.
He opened his mouth and made a sound that could have resembled a greeting, but
the second he glanced at Tommy and saw the expression on the other boy's face
his mouth snapped shut again and he felt light-headed. This wasn't happening to
him, he couldn't lose it every time he happened to see Tommy in the hallway.
There was no reason Lori shouldn't say hi to him anyway, they weren't friends
but they at least knew each other. The thing was that Tommy didn't really look
surprised that Lori was acknowledging him, in fact Merton couldn't quite put
his finger on the look on Tommy's face but whatever it was struck him
speechless. He heard Lori laugh as they walked away but he couldn't even bring
himself to look at her, in fact it was all he could do to make it to the end of
the day without crawling out of his own skin.
After dinner he'd gone straight to his bedroom, closed the door and threw
himself down on his bed to stare at the ceiling. He didn't have the time to lie
in bed and obsess about every look Tommy gave him, he didn't have the time to
think about him at all. He had homework he should be doing, midterms were
coming up soon and he had papers he could get a head start on. That was the
thing with school, there was always something else he could be working on. For
a long time he'd let himself get so wrapped up in homework and extra credit
that he didn't have to think about whether or not he was happy, whether or not
he liked the few friends he had or if it bothered him that he wasn't one of the
popular crowd.
He was happy, at least he'd always thought he was happy enough. It wasn't like
he spent time pining away for the head cheerleader and wondering what it would
be like to be on the football team like the kids in all the high school movies.
No, he had to go and develop a crush on the quarterback instead of the head
cheerleader, which was even more unrealistic. He groaned and covered his face
with his hands, willing yet another memory of Tommy looking at him that morning
out of his mind.
A soft knock on his bedroom door jolted him out of his misery and he looked up
just in time to see his father pull the door open and let himself into the
bedroom. He stifled a frustrated sigh and pushed himself into a sitting
position, careful not to let any residual discomfort show on his face. "What's
up?" he asked as his father closed the door again and crossed the room to sit
on his desk chair.
"Just checking in," his father answered, trying for a casual grin that ended up
looking more sheepish than anything. "So how are you feeling?"
"Dad, I'm fine," Merton assured him, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. Only
his parents could come up with twenty-five different ways to ask the same exact
question. "Really, everything's fine, school's fine, I feel fine."
Mr. Dingle frowned slightly but recovered as quickly as he could, affecting a
nonchalant half-smile as he leaned forward in the chair. He reached up and
pushed a lock of dirty blonde hair away from his forehead as he considered the
best possible way to approach whatever it was he wanted to talk about, but
Merton could tell by the look in his father's pale blue eyes that he wasn't
buying the 'everything's fine' speech. He sighed inwardly and resigned himself
to the fact that his father was about to give him one of his patented pep
talks, either about how to deal with schoolyard bullies in a non-violent manner
or possibly about trying to deal with situations like this on his own.
"You know there's a program at the university," he began, evoking a frown from
his son when the conversation took a different turn than he'd expected. "It's
for high school students that want to get a head start on their college
careers. Your mother and I always thought you were getting a solid education in
your advanced classes at the high school so we didn't interfere, but if they're
not going to look out for your safety maybe we should look into you finishing
out the last half of the year elsewhere."
Merton knew he should jump at the chance, just a few minutes ago he'd been
thinking about exactly that kind of solution to his problem. The thing was that
actually leaving Pleasantville High meant he'd have to leave everything behind,
and he wasn't sure if he was ready for that drastic a step. "I don't know, Dad,
I mean it's almost November already and I don't have that much time left.
Besides, there's the tutoring program, it'll look really good on my transcripts
and if I drop out of high school I lose that."
His father nodded slowly, his gaze focused on his son as he considered Merton's
argument. He was quiet for so long that Merton was starting to wonder if he
could guess the real reason Merton didn't want to leave school without having
to hear Merton say it out loud. "Well I can understand not wanting to back out
of your commitments, but under the circumstances I'm sure Mr. Clark would
understand. Besides, taking college courses before you enroll as a freshman
will look just as good as tutoring high school students."
"Maybe for Amherst, but not for the summer research program," Merton said
before he could stop himself. It was as though his mouth was working separately
from his brain, because even though he knew he should be jumping at the chance
to get out of high school he couldn't shut up. "Yeah, when I apply to Amherst
for Fall it would look good to already have some college credit. But Johns
Hopkins will give me that, and when I apply to the summer program the tutoring
will look better than a few college credits."
For a long moment his father seemed to mull that over, then finally he nodded
and flashed a proud grin at his son. "That's my boy, always weighing all
possible scenarios. If you're sure you want to stick it out in high school for
a few more months we won't stand in your way."
"I'm sure," Merton said, his mouth betraying him yet again.
"Alright, son," his father said as he stood up and pushed the chair back in.
"Let me know when you get your essay for the Johns Hopkins application done and
I'll take a look at it. Not long until the deadline, you need to start thinking
about getting it in the mail."
"I know, I'm waiting for one more recommendation letter and then it'll be
ready," Merton answered as his father crossed to the door and pulled it open.
He managed what he hoped passed for a cheerful grin as his father turned back
to him.
"I know, I know, I don't have to remind you about deadlines. Goodnight, son."
Merton smiled sincerely this time as he watched his father pull the door shut.
"'Night, Dad," he called after him, waiting until he was alone to collapse
against his pillows again. He hadn't really lied to his father, the tutoring
program would help him get into the summer research program he wanted. Still,
no amount of justifying would make him forget the real reason he couldn't bring
himself to leave high school early, no matter how uncomfortable the truth made
him. If he'd been honest he would have had to admit that he didn't want to
leave school in December because it meant leaving Tommy behind, and even if he
only got to admire him from a distance he didn't want to give that up.
Nothing was going to happen between them, he'd told himself that a thousand
times in the past two weeks but he still wasn't completely convinced that he
was right. Every time he thought that he'd finally gotten himself to believe it
Tommy would look at him the way he had that morning, and Merton would start to
wonder all over again. It was impossible that the most popular guy in school
would be interested in him, even if Tommy was into guys he wouldn't go for
someone like Merton. Then again Merton was probably the only gay guy Tommy
knew, so maybe his interest in Merton wasn't so much because of him
specifically as it was because of what he represented.
He closed his eyes against the headache that was beginning to form behind his
temples, his head swimming with a thousand conflicting thoughts. He was
confusing himself with all the what-ifs and possible explanations for Tommy
Dawkins' weird behavior, and it wasn't worth it. So Tommy was a strange guy,
that didn't mean anything. It certainly didn't mean he was interested in
Merton, no matter what justification Merton came up with for Tommy's behavior.
He was just a nice guy, that was all there was to it. He felt responsible for
his teammates' behavior for some reason, most likely the football hero title
he'd been given had developed into a full-blown hero complex. It happened all
the time, people looked up to him so he figured he had to earn their respect.
That had to be the explanation, because if Tommy really was interested in
Merton nothing good could come of it. As soon as he thought it his imagination
came up with at least three good things that could result from Tommy being
interested in him, but he forced the images away as quickly as he could.
Wondering how Tommy would kiss was one thing, but after he'd touched Merton's
shoulder on Tuesday he hadn't been able to quite shake the feeling of Tommy's
fingers on him. Having that kind of information to work with was very dangerous
for his imagination, and he knew if he started to let his mind wander in that
direction he'd never get anything done tonight.
Finally he forced himself off his bed and over to his desk, pulling out his
chair and opening his History book to stare at the chapter he was supposed to
be reading. There had to be a way to get Tommy off his mind, at least long
enough to read about the Industrial Revolution. He'd just have to think about
icebergs or the time his sister threw up all over the car on the way to
Yellowstone or the rings of Saturn. Anything was better than picturing Tommy
sweaty from football practice, his lips slightly parted as he whispered
Merton's name…he clamped his eyes shut but the image wouldn't go away, and he
let out a tortured groan as he opened his eyes again and crossed to the door to
switch off the bedroom light. It was still early and he hadn't done any
homework, but it wasn't going to happen tonight anyway so he might as well give
in. He undressed slowly in the darkness and got back in his bed, closing his
eyes as he gave in to the fantasy.
***** Chapter 5 *****
Merton took a deep breath and double-checked the address Lori gave him before
he rang the doorbell of the three-story brick house. He knew he didn't have any
reason to be nervous, it was just another tutoring session regardless of where
they studied. Lori just wanted to be comfortable, the fact that she'd invited
Merton to her house didn't mean anything. They weren't friends and this had
nothing to do with Tommy, he just had to keep reminding himself of that.
The door swung open and Lori grabbed his arm and pulled him inside before he
had a chance to react, shutting the door behind him and steering him into the
house. "Hey," she said once they were through the foyer and headed down a
flight of stairs. "Sorry about the gate guard and all, it's a pain having
people over but my parents don't care if their lifestyle interferes with my
social life." She led him into what he assumed was the family room, although he
was pretty sure he could fit most of his house into that room alone. Not that
his parents' house was small, he'd never really thought about it before but
compared to this house it was nothing.
"It was no problem," he answered distractedly. His gaze wandered over the
overstuffed furniture and the big screen TV at one end of the room before
finally landing on the coffee table at the center of the room. Lori's Chemistry
book was lying open on the center of the table, and from the looks of it she'd
actually been working on her homework. He wondered all over again why she was
being tutored when she was obviously smart enough to pass on her own, but at
least it made his job easier. He could be stuck tutoring some jock who was
looking for someone to do their homework for them instead of teach them how to
do it themselves, he should count himself lucky that Lori seemed like she was
willing to make an effort.
"Have a seat," she said as she collapsed onto the couch in front of the coffee
table. "You want anything? Soda or food or whatever, we've probably got it in
the kitchen somewhere."
He allowed himself a moment to ponder what the kitchen in Lori's house must
look like before he shook his head and sat down next to her. "No thanks," he
answered as he pulled his own book out of his backpack. "Are you working on
your homework?"
"Yeah, figured I'd get a head start. Less work for you, right? It's not hard or
anything, I just don't care anymore. I mean public school's supposed to be
easier than private school, and anyway we're seniors. Shouldn't they give us a
break our last year?"
Merton grinned at the argument he'd heard from the entire senior class all
semester long. Every once in awhile he found himself agreeing with them, but
the fact was that if he didn't have a lot of schoolwork to keep him busy he
wasn't sure what he'd do with his spare time. The handful of friends he had
weren't exactly the kind of guys he hung out with on a regular basis, mainly
they were friends because they were in all the same classes. So when it came to
vacation or rare free time he usually either got a head start on whatever
school work he knew was coming up or spent his time reading up on spell
casting.
"Is that why you left private school?"
"No, I got kicked out." Lori laughed as she watched Merton flush and look down
at his book. "It's alright, I'm not embarrassed about it or anything. Trust me,
I don't miss the school at all. Some of my friends, yeah, but most of them live
around here anyway."
Merton glanced automatically in the direction of the mantle, where he'd spotted
some pictures of Lori with kids their age that he didn't recognize. In the
center of the mantle was a picture from what he assumed was her junior prom,
she was wearing a formal and standing next to a tall, thick-looking blonde.
Lori followed his gaze and sighed as she spotted the pictures.
"That's my parents' idea of punishment, I guess. They barely even talk to me
now that I've disgraced the family, but they still keep all those lame pictures
around just to remind me that they used to be proud of me before I got kicked
out of school. They especially love the prom picture, I think it's because they
know how much I hate it."
"Doesn't it bother Tommy that you have a picture of you and your old boyfriend
on the mantle?" As soon as he realized he'd said it out loud Merton blushed all
over again, but it was too late to take it back. Lori didn't seem to mind the
questions anyway, although he knew he should mind his own business and get back
to Chemistry. He never expected to find himself sitting in Lori Baxter's family
room while she told him about getting thrown out of private school, though. The
whole experience was weird enough that a few questions couldn't hurt.
Lori grinned as she turned back to him, shaking her head in a way that let him
know that there was something he was missing. "Tommy doesn't care what pictures
my parents leave lying around. Anyway the guy in the picture died so it doesn't
really matter anymore."
"Oh, I'm sorry," Merton stammered, his face flushing an even deeper shade of
pink. "I didn't mean anything…"
"Merton, relax," Lori said, and he could tell by her expression she was trying
not to laugh at him. "I mean I'm not glad he's dead or anything, but we broke
up before his accident. And he cheated on me the whole time we were going out
so we weren't even friends anymore. All he cared about was how popular he was
and whether or not the football team won the championship. That's part of the
reason my parents keep that picture up there, he was perfect as far as the
school was concerned. I figured if I brought Tommy around that would get them
off my back, you know? Pleasantville High's answer to Mr. Popularity and all."
"Didn't work?"
She laughed and stole another glance at the picture, a hint of regret creeping
into her eyes for a second before she turned back to Merton again. "Are you
kidding? I mean it was stupid to even try, no matter how popular and talented
Tommy is he's still a public school kid from the wrong part of town. Not that
any of that matters to me, I mean my parents' hang-ups aren't my problem."
Merton shook his head as he tried to imagine his own parents ever disapproving
of anybody he brought home. Not that it happened very often, but even when
Tommy dropped by unannounced his mother had just been happy that he was making
friends. They were always tolerant of Becky's high-strung girlfriends too, he'd
always just taken it for granted that parents put up with their kids' friends
because they didn't have a choice. He found himself suddenly wondering what
exactly Tommy's home life was like that Lori's parents would hold it against
him, and he realized for the first time that he didn't even know where Tommy
lived.
"Hey, Merton, you okay?"
He glanced up as Lori's voice jolted him out of his reverie, swallowing hard at
the look of concern on her usually cheerful features. "Yeah, I'm fine," he
answered, reaching for his Chemistry book and flipping it open. "I guess we
should get back to studying, though."
"Whatever you say, you're the tutor," Lori answered. She slid a little closer
to him on the couch cushions and turned to her own book, reaching for her
notebook and pen at the same time. "I think I've got most of this stuff down,
but you can check my answers if it'll make you feel better."
He mirrored her grin as he took the notebook from her and began reading over
her answers, confirming his suspicions that Lori didn't really need his help to
pass Chemistry. He checked all her work anyway and handed her notebook back to
her, flipping to the chapter his own class was covering as she returned to her
homework. He could feel her eyes on him every once in awhile, but he did his
best to ignore it and tried to concentrate on his own homework. It was obvious
from the way she kept glancing over at him that she'd picked up on the mood
he'd fallen into, but he didn't think he could explain it to her even if he
wanted to. The truth was that he didn't really understand it himself, it
shouldn't matter to him whether or not her parents approved of Tommy. The
thought of anyone disliking Tommy bothered him for reasons he really didn't
want to think about, though, and the fact that it was Tommy's girlfriend's
parents just made it that much worse.
They'd been studying for about twenty minutes when the doorbell rang again, and
Merton practically jumped out of his skin as the sound cut through the silence
that had fallen over the room. Lori laughed and stood up, casting a glance over
her shoulder as she told him she'd be right back. He nodded and tried to pick
up where he'd left off in his chapter, but as soon as he looked back down at
his book he realized that he'd been reading the same paragraph over and over
for the past twenty minutes. "Hopeless," he muttered to himself as he slammed
the book shut and shoved it back into his backpack.
"You're not talking about me, are you? I mean Clark might think I'm hopeless
but come on."
The sound of Lori's voice made Merton jump all over again and he smiled
sheepishly, only to freeze when he realized that she wasn't alone. Lori was
still grinning at him, but Merton was so busy trying to convince himself that
he was just hallucinating Tommy standing behind her that he didn't even notice
Lori's expression. "No, I didn't mean you, I…uh…"
"Give him a break, Lori," Tommy said as he slung one arm around her shoulders.
"Hey, Merton."
"Hey," Merton echoed, his gaze locked on Tommy's arm where it rested on Lori's
shoulders.
"Get off, Dawkins," Lori said, grinning at the mock hurt on Tommy's face as she
shrugged out of his grip and turned back to Merton. "I totally spaced that
Tommy was coming over, sorry. I think I can handle the rest of this stuff
without help, though."
Merton swallowed a rush of disappointment as he realized Lori was more or less
kicking him out, forcing himself not to look at Tommy again as he reached for
his coat. "No problem, as long as you're sure."
"Hey, stay and hang out with us," Tommy said as he watched Merton get ready to
leave. "I mean you don't have to leave just because I showed up."
For a moment Merton was torn between actually accepting Tommy's invitation and
getting out of there as fast as he could. He couldn't deny that he was
disappointed to leave as soon as Tommy showed up, but no matter how much he
wanted to stay he knew the only reason Tommy had offered was because he felt
sorry for Merton. He was just being nice, he was always nice and getting used
to it was a bad idea. "I better get home," he finally answered, not quite
meeting Tommy's gaze as he hoisted his backpack onto his shoulder. "I have a
lot of homework tonight."
"You sure?" Lori asked as she followed Merton toward the entrance to the family
room. "We were just gonna order a pizza and hang out."
"Thanks, but I really have to get going," Merton answered, finally stealing a
glance at Tommy over Lori's shoulder. His breath caught in his throat when he
looked up and found Tommy staring back at him, but he tore his gaze away as
quickly as possible and told himself it didn't mean anything. Tommy was
probably just waiting for him to get out so he and Lori could be alone, and
that was definitely something Merton didn't need to think about.
Lori shrugged as they reached the top of the stairs and started across the
foyer. "Suit yourself. Thanks for coming over, Merton, I'd way rather do this
here than at school."
"It's no problem," Merton assured her, pausing long enough to smile at her
before he let himself out the front door and started toward his car. He managed
not to look back at the house, knowing that it was pointless anyway. He
wouldn't be able to see Tommy, and that was the main reason that part of him
wanted to stay. The idea of hanging out with the two most popular kids in
school was appealing and frightening at the same time, but no matter how much
he wanted to stay he wasn't going to take their pity. A soft sigh escaped his
throat as he opened the door of the hearse and let himself in, starting the
engine and pulling away from the curb before he finally gave in and took one
last look in the rearview mirror.
~
Merton didn't see Tommy or Lori in school on Friday, and by Saturday he'd given
up trying to convince himself that it didn't bother him. He hated that he spent
half his day looking around the halls hoping to catch a glimpse of the captain
of the football team, but no matter what he did he couldn't stop himself. By
the time Friday afternoon rolled around he was relieved to have two days to
spend locked in his room, at least at home if he couldn't get Tommy off his
mind he didn't have to worry about making a fool of himself. Besides, he'd been
letting his crush interfere with his schoolwork, and he still had an essay to
write for his application to Johns Hopkins.
He sighed as he pulled the application out of his desk drawer and looked down
at it, willing himself to stop obsessing about Tommy long enough to write
something that might actually get him accepted to the summer program. When he'd
first heard about the program he'd been determined to get in; getting out of
Pleasantville and studying at a prestigious school like Johns Hopkins was what
he'd spent his whole high school career working toward. A hopeless crush that
had no prayer of going anywhere didn't change that, at least he couldn't let
it. It was just a stupid crush, it wasn't the first time and he'd gotten over
them before. The important thing was to focus on his future and make sure that
he got into the right school, he could worry about his personal life later.
He'd started his essay four times when a knock sounded on his bedroom door, and
he looked up just in time to see his father push his door open. "Merton,
there's someone here to see you," his father announced as he stepped aside to
let Tommy into Merton's room.
"Thanks," Merton breathed, his gaze fixed on Tommy as the taller boy stopped
just inside the door and shifted his weight almost nervously. The idea of Tommy
Dawkins being nervous about anything was laughable, but Merton couldn't think
of any other way to describe how he looked.
"I've got to go into the University for awhile," Merton's father said, drawing
both boys' attention to the fact that he was still standing in the doorway.
"Nice meeting you, Tommy. I'll be in my office if you boys need anything."
Merton took a deep breath and willed his heart to stop beating so fast, sure
that either Tommy or his father would hear it if he didn't calm down. He knew
his father was talking to him, but he wasn't really sure what he'd said. He
couldn't come up with a single reason why Tommy would show up at his house, at
least none that made any sense.
"Thanks, Mr. Dingle," Tommy said when Merton didn't answer him. "Nice to meet
you too."
The older man smiled at Tommy before casting one last curious glance at his
son, then he closed the door behind him and left the two boys alone. As soon as
the door closed Merton stood up, swallowing a sudden rush of fear as he stole
another glance at Tommy. "What are you doing here?"
Tommy grinned, chasing some of the nervousness out of his features as he took a
few more steps into the room and set his backpack down on Merton's bed. "Sorry,
I know you probably have a lot of homework this weekend but Lori's spent like
the whole week telling me how brilliant you are and I thought maybe you could
take a look at this paper I have to hand in on Monday. I would have asked on
Thursday but you left pretty fast."
Heat crept into Merton's cheeks as he remembered the way he ran out of Lori's
house, but his embarrassment was tempered by the fact that Tommy was only there
because he wanted help with his own homework. It made sense, though, so much so
that Merton felt stupid for not realizing right away that that was what Tommy
wanted. Merton was tutoring his girlfriend, after all, it was only a matter of
time before one or both of them realized that they'd have a lot more free time
if they talked Merton into doing their schoolwork for them. "I…uh…I have this
thing I have to do today," he stammered, glancing at his computer screen as he
realized he was never going to be able to concentrate long enough to get his
essay written now.
"It's already written," Tommy said quickly, reaching into his bag and pulling
out several typed pages. Merton's eyebrows shot up at the idea that Tommy might
actually just want him to look over something, and before he had time to think
up a better excuse to get rid of Tommy the other boy was thrusting the pages
into his hand. "It won't take long. I mean maybe it completely sucks, I don't
know, that's why I want somebody that gets this stuff to look at it. I read the
play and all, but I didn't really get what was so important about it."
Merton glanced down at the essay as he listened to Tommy babble, his heart
speeding up even more as he realized that Tommy actually was nervous. It didn't
make any sense, unless Tommy really was worried about what Merton would think
of his essay. Either way Merton was bound to have a heart attack if he didn't
calm down soon. "Yeah, okay, I mean I can take a look at it," he finally
answered, sinking back into his desk chair as he flipped to the first page and
began reading. "I'm not really a Shakespeare expert or anything but I'll read
it."
"Thanks," Tommy said, smiling gratefully as he took a seat on the edge of
Merton's mattress and watched the other boy read.
Merton took a deep breath and did his best to ignore Tommy's eyes on him as he
focused on the other boy's work, wishing suddenly that he knew a little more
about Hamlet. He wasn't sure how he felt about Tommy and Lori thinking of him
as some kind of nerd that spent all his time studying, but if he was honest
with himself he'd have to admit that it was his own fault people thought of him
that way. School wasn't his whole life, but it took up most of his time because
he let it. The fact that most of his classes were easy for him didn't change
anything, he still didn't have much of a life and he had no one to blame for
that but himself.
"Is it that bad? I knew it sucked," Tommy said, surprising Merton out of his
thoughts and reminding him that he wasn't alone.
Merton glanced up to find Tommy frowning at him. "No, sorry, it wasn't…I mean
it's fine, it's just kind of predictable. Like you read the Cliffs Notes and
pretty much just wrote what the play was about."
"Well yeah," Tommy said, shrugging as he stood up and crossed to Merton's desk.
Merton swallowed hard as he watched the other boy kneel down next to him and
rest one arm on the back of Merton's chair. "I mean I didn't really get it, so
I read the Cliffs Notes to try to figure it out. I suck at English, always
have. But if I don't get at least decent grades I won't get a football
scholarship and my dad'll kill me."
The idea of Tommy worrying about anything seemed foreign to Merton, he'd always
assumed that the team captain led a charmed life where nothing ever went wrong
and his parents were as enamored of him as the rest of the town. The thought of
Tommy actually having pressure on him to do well and get into college made
Merton realize how much more there was to Tommy's life than he'd ever
considered. "It's not a bad paper," he insisted, flipping back to the beginning
and picking up a pencil. "I mean if you handed it in like this your dad would
probably be okay with your grade, but if you want to really impress him you
just have to put a little of your own thoughts in. You know, don't just
summarize the play, talk about how you felt about it."
"Yeah, but it's Shakespeare. What I think doesn't matter."
"Just because it's a famous play doesn't mean you can't have an opinion about
it," Merton said, relaxing slightly as he watched Tommy's forehead furrow in
confusion. "I mean they wouldn't make us read it if they didn't expect us to
think something, right? All you have to do is expand on a few of your ideas,
say what you thought about Ophelia killing herself and whether or not you
thought Hamlet was even right to do what he did. Everybody's got an opinion, as
long as you back yours up with examples from the play you'll be fine."
Tommy nodded slowly as he watched Merton make notes in the margins of his
paper, his shoulder brushing against the smaller boy's as he leaned in to read
what Merton was writing. Merton held his breath and summoned all his will power
not to look over at Tommy, sure that if his unexpected guest happened to look
up at the same time he wouldn't be able to resist kissing him. The image of
Tommy's lips hovering just inches from his sent an involuntary shiver down
Merton's spine, and he bit his lip and prayed Tommy wouldn't notice what their
proximity was doing to him.
"Thanks, Merton," Tommy said when Merton finally pushed his paper back towards
him, his voice too close to Merton's ear as he leaned forward and picked up the
paper. "Lori was right about you."
"What'd she say?" Merton asked, forgetting to be careful about turning to look
at Tommy and practically knocking him over as he spun toward the other boy.
Tommy grinned as he caught himself on the edge of the desk, pushing himself
into a standing position and crossing to the bed to put his paper away. "Relax,
she didn't tell me anything incriminating. Just that you're really smart. She
says you don't talk much anyway, so it's not like she could tell me anything
embarrassing."
Merton blushed all over again and looked down at the top of his desk, his gaze
falling on the forgotten application to Johns Hopkins. There was no way he was
going to be able to concentrate on writing his essay now, and if Tommy kept
showing up when he least expected it he wasn't sure he'd ever get anything done
again. "Sorry, I didn't…I guess I'm just not used to anybody paying much
attention to me, let alone talking about me."
"People notice you," Tommy said quietly. Something about the way he said it
made Merton look up again and he swallowed hard as he met the other boy's
steady gaze. Then Tommy cleared his throat and looked away again, suddenly
fascinated with the posters on Merton's bedroom wall. "I mean you go out of
your way to make sure people know who you are, you know? The black clothes, the
hair…you're pretty hard to miss."
"That's not why I dress this way," Merton answered, although as soon as the
words escaped his mouth he wondered if he was lying to himself. He'd always
told himself that he didn't care what anyone thought, that he liked his clothes
and his style and it didn't matter if no one understood him. For the first time
since he started wearing black clothes and spiking his hair he wondered,
though, because for the first time in a long time he did care what someone
thought. That fact was enough to terrify him, but the way Tommy was watching
him made it even worse.
"I don't have a problem with it." Tommy stood up and straightened his letterman
jacket before turning and picking up his backpack. "All I was saying was that
you don't blend as much as you think you do. Thanks a lot for the help. I
better get out of here and let you get back to your own stuff."
"It was no problem," Merton answered, although he wasn't even sure he was
making any sense. Part of his brain was busy trying to come up with excuses to
get Tommy to stay, every one of which he dismissed as ridiculous the moment it
occurred to him. The rest of his thought processes were tied up in trying to
figure out what the look in Tommy's eyes meant, because no matter how hard he
tried to convince himself that it was just his imagination he couldn't deny
what was right in front of him. "I mean I didn't really do anything."
"Yes you did." Tommy grinned and crossed to the door, glancing over his
shoulder once as Merton followed him to the front door. When they reached the
door he paused with his hand on the door handle and turned around again. Merton
held his breath as Tommy leaned toward him, his lips slightly parted as he
searched Merton's eyes. For one terrifying second Merton thought he might
actually lean the rest of the way in and kiss him, but before he had a chance
to react Tommy straightened up and pulled the door open. "See you on Monday."
"Yeah, see you," Merton murmured, shaking his head as Tommy turned and started
down the walkway toward the street. He was almost halfway down the block before
Merton realized what he was doing and closed the door, his hands shaking just a
little as he turned and made his way back to the safety of his bedroom.
***** Chapter 6 *****
Merton didn't see Tommy on Monday, in fact he didn't see him again until
Wednesday during lunch. Even then their eyes only met briefly across the
cafeteria before Tommy turned back to his friends, and Merton was beginning to
wonder if he'd imagined helping Tommy with his paper on Saturday. Lori never
mentioned it during their tutoring sessions, and he certainly wasn't about to
bring it up. Maybe he'd dreamed the whole thing, it wouldn't be the first time
he'd had a vivid enough dream to wake up wondering if it had actually happened.
It was the first time he'd had such a vivid dream about Tommy, though, and the
fact that all they'd done was work on his paper didn't make any sense.
By Friday morning he'd almost managed to convince himself that he'd just
imagined the whole thing, but when he got to school and turned down the hall
toward his locker he stopped short. There was Tommy, leaning against his
locker, his head back and his eyes closed. For a second Merton wondered if it
was just a coincidence that Tommy had chosen his locker to lean on, but as he
began walking again Tommy's eyes opened and his whole face lit up in a grin
when he looked over and saw Merton walking toward him.
"Hey," Tommy said as Merton stopped in front of him, his grin growing
impossibly wider as he shoved something toward the other boy. Merton tore his
gaze away from Tommy's long enough to look down at the paper in Tommy's hand,
reaching out instinctively to take it.
A genuine smile lit up his features as he recognized his Hamlet essay and saw
Tommy's grade. "Congratulations," he said as he looked back up. "I told you you
could do it."
"Thanks to you," Tommy answered, pushing himself off Merton's locker as he took
the paper back and shoved it in his backpack. "I never would have gotten an A
on my own."
Merton grinned and turned toward his locker, taking a deep breath that he hoped
Tommy wouldn't notice as he willed his heart to stop beating so fast. At least
he knew now that he hadn't hallucinated Tommy showing up at his house, he'd
been distracted enough lately without worrying about losing his mind too. He
took his time putting his books in his locker, doing his best not to focus on
the fact that Tommy was still standing next to him. "I didn't really do
anything," he finally said when he closed his locker and turned around again.
"Sure you did." Tommy shifted his backpack on his shoulder and studied Merton
curiously for a long moment, his critical gaze making Merton more than a little
uncomfortable. He had no idea what Tommy was thinking, but he knew it couldn't
be what he hoped. There was no way Tommy could be interested in him, even if he
was curious about guys there was no way he'd go for Merton. And anyway he had a
girlfriend, so whatever interest he had in Merton had nothing to do with
attraction.
"Yeah, well, it was really no big deal," Merton said, more to fill the
uncomfortable silence than anything else.
A soft laugh escaped Tommy's throat, the low, rich sound sending a shiver of
desire straight down Merton's spine. He braced himself against the sensation
and prayed Tommy wouldn't notice, shifting his weight nervously as he glanced
longingly in the direction of his homeroom.
"You don't give yourself enough credit, you know that?" Tommy's smile faded as
Merton met his gaze again, his stomach flipping as he wondered why Tommy cared
so much. "You helped me out and I'm just trying to say thanks. You help Lori
out all the time, Clark's gotten off her case since you started tutoring her.
That guy thinks you walk on water, I swear. Lori says all he does is talk about
how smart you are and how lucky she is that you're keeping her from failing."
"Lori doesn't need my help," Merton answered, shifting his backpack to his
opposite shoulder as he started down the hall. Tommy fell into step beside him
automatically, their shoulders brushing as they walked in the direction of
Merton's homeroom. The hall was starting to fill with students, but if Tommy
noticed he didn't seem concerned about anyone seeing them together.
"Lori thinks she needs your help," Tommy said, glancing over at Merton just in
time to watch the smaller boy blush. A small smile turned up the corners of his
mouth as he shook his head and turned away again. "She says tutoring means she
can't blow off her homework like she usually does. Plus hanging out with you
makes Clark a lot more willing to cut her slack."
Merton shook his head but didn't bother to argue, mostly because he was fairly
sure that Mr. Clark was a lot more willing to give Lori a break now that she
was in tutoring. He wasn't sure it was just because he was her tutor, but he
knew Mr. Clark paired him with Lori specifically. Finally he shrugged and
glanced over at Tommy again, his gaze lingering on the other boy's profile for
a moment before he caught himself and looked away. "Yeah, well…thanks."
Tommy stopped as they reached Merton's homeroom, glancing over the other boy's
shoulder at the small group of students already gathered inside before he
turned back to Merton again. "You're welcome," he said, his grin returning as
he watched Merton flush again. "Listen, are you busy tonight?"
"Wh…tonight?" Merton stammered, fresh heat creeping into his cheeks as he tried
in vain to form a coherent sentence. There was no way Tommy was asking him to
do something, but he couldn't want more help with his homework. Not on a Friday
night. Could he?
"Yeah, you know, Friday night, no school tomorrow, a lot of kids have plans.
Lori and I were gonna hang out at her house and watch a movie, if you're not
doing anything maybe you could come over. If you're busy just say so."
"No," Merton said carefully, positive that he was going to choke on that single
syllable. "I mean I'm not. Busy. I mean yeah, okay." He stopped just short of
rolling his eyes as he listened to himself stumble over a simple answer, but he
couldn't believe that Tommy Dawkins had just asked him to hang out with him.
Not to help them with their homework, just to hang out like a normal teenager.
Maybe he was having another hallucination, that certainly made more sense than
Tommy actually wanting to hang out with him.
"Great." Tommy smiled as the first bell rang, taking a few steps backwards as
the rest of the students in the hall began filing toward homeroom. "So around
7:00, okay?"
All Merton could do was nod as Tommy turned and made his way through the crowd
in the hallway, his heart in his throat as he tried to convince himself that he
hadn't just imagined their entire conversation. Something didn't add up, he
wasn't sure if he was losing his mind or if Tommy really did want to be friends
but either way there was something he was missing. He only realized he was
still staring in the direction Tommy had disappeared when he felt a hand on his
shoulder, and he looked to his right to find two of his friends from the Honors
program staring back at him.
"Hey, Merton," Alistair said, his voice laced with just a hint of bitterness.
No one else would even notice the slight edge in the blonde's tone, but Merton
had known him long enough to recognize when he wasn't happy about something.
"Tutoring the football star?"
"What? Oh, no, I'm not tutoring Tommy," Merton answered as he realized what
Alistair was asking him. He knew his so-called friends would have a problem
with him spending time with anyone from the popular crowd, but all they'd been
doing was talking. Alistair didn't know that Tommy had invited Merton to hang
out with him and Lori, but if his friends found out there would definitely be a
lot of questions to answer.
"I heard you tutored his girlfriend once and then you both dropped out of the
program," Margaret piped up, drawing Merton's attention to the red-headed
freshman who'd been following Alistair around like a shadow since the beginning
of the year.
Merton shook his head distractedly, his mind racing as he wondered why his
friends cared who he was tutoring. Usually none of them paid much attention to
anything he did, at least not in the past couple years. He'd been keeping more
and more to himself as he got older and started to figure out a few things
about himself, and their sudden interest in what he was up to was almost as
disconcerting as Tommy's inexplicable interest in him. "I'm still tutoring
Lori," he said, his whole body tense as he wondered why it was taking so long
for the second bell to ring. The last thing he felt like doing was answering a
bunch of dumb questions that were none of his friends' business anyway.
Alistair raised a single eyebrow and opened his mouth to say something else,
but before he could get the words out the bell rang. Merton let out a breath he
hadn't realized he'd been holding and turned abruptly, walking as fast as he
could toward the back of homeroom and sinking into a desk in the last row. He
watched out of the corner of his eye as Margaret leaned toward Alistair and
whispered something, then dashed off to her own homeroom. He could feel
Alistair's eyes on him as the blonde took his usual seat at the front of the
room, but he managed to avoid eye contact. A soft sigh escaped his throat as he
fixed his gaze on the top of his desk, willing himself invisible so he wouldn't
have to think about why Alistair was staring at him and what everyone in his
classes would be talking about by the end of the day.
~
By the time Merton found himself standing on Lori's doorstep he was positive
that actually showing up to hang out with her and Tommy was the worst idea he'd
ever had. He'd spent the entire day at school avoiding everyone he knew,
lingering in the halls before each class so none of his friends could corner
him and ask him any more questions about Tommy or Lori. He had no idea why any
of them even cared who he was tutoring, they were all probably tutoring members
of the popular crowd or at least the stoners that probably didn't have a prayer
of passing anyway. He was no different than any of the rest of them, he
couldn't help that Lori and Tommy seemed to think he was amusing. They were
bound to get tired of him eventually anyway, and then he'd go right back to
being invisible. Well, mostly invisible, at least his teachers seemed to think
he was worth noticing.
One conversation with Tommy in the hallway and he seemed to be the center of
attention among his classmates, though. Well, a handful of conversations that
obviously hadn't gone as unnoticed as he'd hoped, although if the rest of the
school was talking about his sudden friendship with Tommy Dawkins it didn't
seem to bother anyone but him. The whole situation just kept getting weirder,
and Merton was about to turn around and go home when Lori's front door opened
and he found himself face to face with Tommy.
"Hey," the taller boy greeted him, stepping aside to let Merton brush past him
into the foyer. He'd changed out of the jeans and sweater he'd had on that
morning, and now he was wearing a dark grey long-sleeved T-shirt that made his
eyes look even more green than usual. Merton swallowed hard and told himself to
stop thinking about the color of Tommy's eyes and the way he filled out his
clothes, looking everywhere except at the other boy as he followed Tommy down
the stairs to the family room.
When they reached the bottom of the stairs Merton looked around for any sign of
Lori, but she wasn't in the room. "Lori'll be down in a few minutes," Tommy
explained as he read Merton's mind. "She really gets into the whole
entertaining thing, when I told her you were coming over she went all out with
the food so I hope you're hungry."
"Yeah, sure," Merton said, although the thought of food at that point made his
stomach turn. He was so nervous that he was positive he'd never be able to hold
anything down, but he didn't want to insult Lori after she'd gone out of her
way.
"Hey, Merton, are you okay?" Tommy asked, concern marring his features as he
rested one strong hand on Merton's shoulder and turned the smaller boy toward
him. "You look a little paler than usual."
Merton swallowed a tortured groan as he met Tommy's gaze, willing his knees not
to give out. The combination of their proximity and Tommy's hand on his
shoulder was threatening to bring him to his knees, however, and he was sure it
showed on his face. "I'm fine," he managed to choke out around the tightness in
his chest. "Just a little tired, I've had a lot of schoolwork lately so I
haven't been sleeping much."
It wasn't a complete lie, he hadn't been sleeping much lately. The fact that it
had nothing to do with homework didn't really matter, at least not as far as
Tommy was concerned. And it wasn't as though Merton could just come right out
and say that the reason he'd been lying awake nights was because of Tommy
himself, not if he wanted to live through the night.
"You sure?" Tommy asked, evidently oblivious to the real reason Merton was
suddenly having trouble breathing. If he'd just take his hand off Merton's
shoulder he could get his heart rate to slow down, he was sure of it. "You want
a soda or something?"
"Yeah, thanks," Merton answered, barely managing to stifle a sigh as Tommy
pulled his hand away from his shoulder and crossed to the bar at the back of
the family room. As soon as Tommy's back was to him he let out a deep breath
and rolled his eyes at himself, wishing all over again that he'd just lied and
said he was busy tonight. If he'd known he was going to fall apart the second
he saw Tommy he would have, but he hadn't known that morning that he was going
to spend the whole day at school alternating between wondering what people were
saying about him and wondering what Tommy was thinking.
Before he managed to come up with a plausible excuse to leave Tommy was back,
thrusting a can of Coke into his hand as he gently pushed Merton in the
direction of a large sofa facing the television. "Lori should be down in a
minute," Tommy said as he took a seat next to Merton and set two more sodas
down on the coffee table.
"She doesn't mind that I'm here, does she?" Merton asked, realizing for the
first time that Tommy had invited him over to Lori's house without bothering to
ask her first. The thought of being the third wheel didn't appeal to him at
all, but until that moment it hadn't even dawned on him that he was going to be
just that.
"Are you kidding?" Tommy grinned as though the question was ridiculous, but he
didn't offer any more explanation. Instead he reached for the remote and began
flipping through the channels, finally stopping when he found ESPN.
Merton frowned as he found himself wondering again what exactly Tommy and
Lori's relationship was like. He didn't really want to dwell on it, in fact the
less he managed to think about what the two of them did when they were alone
together the better he slept at night. The thing was that they didn't really
act like a couple, though, at least not any couple Merton had ever seen. Lori
called Tommy by his last name more often than not, they were playful but more
like siblings than any boyfriend and girlfriend he'd ever heard of. In fact if
he didn't know better Merton would think that they weren't even dating. The
problem was that he did know better, in fact the whole school considered Tommy
and Lori the It Couple. They were bound to be king and queen of the Senior
Prom, which made the fact that they were hanging out with Merton Dingle of all
people even weirder.
It had to be pity, either that or some elaborate joke at his expense, but if
they had an angle they were definitely doing a good job of hiding it. If they
wanted to humiliate him for fun they didn't have to work this hard, in fact all
Tommy had to do was let Tim and Travis kill him that day in the locker room and
he'd have saved himself a lot of trouble. He stole a glance at the other boy,
half expecting Tommy to be laughing at him, but Tommy was still staring at the
television. Merton rolled his eyes for the second time and told himself to stop
imagining that he was the star in some real-life version of Carrie.
"Hey, you made it," Lori said from behind them, surprising Merton out of his
thoughts. He looked over his shoulder as Lori crossed the room, balancing
several bowls full of snack food in her arms. He stood up automatically and
reached out to help her, earning him a grateful smile as she followed him to
the couch and arranged the food on the coffee table. "Thanks, Merton. At least
somebody around here has some manners."
They both looked at Tommy but if he heard her he didn't react, his attention
was still focused on the play-by-play of the Packers game. Lori rolled her eyes
and grabbed the remote control before Tommy had a chance to react, grinning at
Merton as she crossed to the VCR and slid a tape into the machine.
"Hope you like horror movies," Tommy said as Merton sat down next to him again.
"My brother says this one's great."
"Like your brother's such a reliable source of information," Lori teased,
depositing herself in one of the overstuffed armchairs next to the couch.
"Hey, my brother may be more or less a waste of space, but one thing he knows
about is horror movies," Tommy shot back.
Merton was too busy wondering why Lori wasn't sitting next to Tommy to pay much
attention to her opinion of his brother. He caught something about the amount
of TV Dean watched on a daily basis, but as curious as he was about Tommy's
family he was more curious about why he and Tommy were sharing the couch while
Lori sat practically across the room from her boyfriend. It had to be because
they were worried about making him uncomfortable, that was the only explanation
that made any sense. Of course if they weren't actually dating it would make
even more sense, but the whole school couldn't be wrong, could they?
Merton stifled a sigh and focused his attention on the television screen as the
opening credits began to roll, willing himself not to think about Tommy and
Lori's relationship. It was none of his business, for one thing, and even if
they weren't involved it didn't change anything. Sharing a couch with Tommy
while they watched a movie didn't mean anything, no matter how close to him the
other boy was sitting. He shifted as carefully as he could without drawing
either of their attention to him, hoping Tommy wouldn't notice that he was
trying to put a little space between them. As much as he wanted to enjoy the
feeling of Tommy's leg resting against his he knew he wouldn't be able to sit
there for two hours without completely losing it.
As soon as he shifted Tommy glanced over at him, flashing that crooked half-
grin that Merton was getting far too attached to. He managed a weak smile in
return and gave up on trying to readjust his position, praying that he'd just
survive the movie without making a complete idiot of himself. As soon as it was
over he could make up some excuse and go home, then he could forget this whole
night ever happened. It was a mistake to go over to Lori's in the first place,
but all he could do now was make sure he didn't put himself in a position to
embarrass himself in front of Tommy again.
***** Chapter 7 *****
"Are you sure this is the movie your brother said was so great?"
"Yeah, I stole it out of his movie collection myself," Tommy answered, glancing
over at Lori before turning back to the screen.
Lori shook her head as she watched her guests staring raptly at the image on
the TV screen. "Your brother has serious issues," she said. "Please don't tell
me you guys are actually enjoying this."
"What? It's funny," Tommy said without looking away from the ridiculously bad
special affects on the screen.
"Merton, help me out here," Lori pleaded, turning toward the other boy as he
looked away from the movie. "I mean Tommy's got no taste, I already knew that."
"Hey, I'm sitting right here, you know," Tommy shot back, finally tearing his
gaze away from the movie long enough to glare at Lori. "Girls never appreciate
zombie movies, I can't help it if you don't get it. Merton gets it, don't you?"
Merton laughed nervously as they both turned their attention to him, all the
nervousness he'd managed to forget during the beginning of the movie rushing
right back as they waited for him to answer. "It is pretty funny," he admitted.
"Monster movies are pretty campy by definition."
"I'm surrounded," Lori groaned, rolling her eyes dramatically as the other two
teenagers laughed. "I should have known better than to watch anything called
Dead Alive, especially if Dean recommended it."
"We can't help it if you can't appreciate quality entertainment," Tommy said,
matching her scowl with an amused grin. "At least there's finally somebody else
around here that likes good movies. You should see the stuff she picks out to
watch. Chick flicks," he added, rolling his eyes as he glanced at Merton.
Merton smiled nervously at Tommy as Lori muttered something under her breath
about accounting for taste and turned back to the movie. His stomach had been
in knots pretty much since he got to the house, and sitting so close to Tommy
wasn't helping. In fact he was fairly sure that if Lori wasn't there he'd never
be able to get through the night; he'd been alone with Tommy before but
something about tonight felt different, almost date-like. For one thing Lori
was sitting about as far away from them as she could get, and although she
didn't seem uncomfortable she definitely seemed to be keeping her distance.
Then there was the way Tommy's leg brushed his every time he shifted, and the
fact that he didn't seem at all bothered by the fact that he and Merton were
sitting practically shoulder to shoulder.
He knew it wasn't a dream, because if it was Lori would have disappeared a long
time ago and he and Tommy wouldn't actually be watching the movie. Not that he
really minded watching the movie, it gave him something to keep his mind off
the fact that he could feel Tommy's body heat radiating off him, smell the
mixture of cologne and musk that was uniquely Tommy and remember the feeling of
Tommy's hand pressing into his shoulder from when he'd touched him earlier.
Only sheer terror at the idea of either of them noticing had kept him from
getting completely and uncomfortably hard, and even considering how nervous he
was he still found himself shifting in the vain hope of keeping his body from
reacting every time Tommy touched him.
Part of him almost wished this was a dream, at least that way he'd get to the
good part and hopefully he wouldn't wake up too soon. As it was he knew there
was no 'good part' in sight, just more confusion and fear as he sat next to
Tommy and tried to concentrate on the ridiculously fake blood onscreen and not
the scent of the other boy's cologne. He smelled so good, though, and it wasn't
fair because he had to know what he was doing to Merton. If he'd come out to
any other guy in their class not only would it be all over school by now, but
every guy in school would be steering clear of him just on the off chance that
Merton decided to hit on them. He rolled his eyes automatically at the thought
that he'd just go around hitting on any guy that crossed his path just because
he was gay.
"You okay?" Tommy's voice sounded in his ear, hot breath hitting his neck and
raising goosebumps on his arms.
Christ, he wouldn't make it through the next half hour, let alone the rest of
the night if Tommy did that again. He shifted as carefully as he could to
accommodate the tightening in his groin and stole a quick glance at the other
boy's concerned expression. A groan rose in his throat and he tore his gaze
away from Tommy's, not trusting himself to keep his cool regardless of who else
was in the room. Those eyes were going to be his downfall, he was sure of it.
It was almost as though Tommy could see right through him, read his mind just
by looking at him. Although if that was true Tommy Dawkins was the cruelest,
most miserable excuse for a human being ever born, because no one deserved this
kind of intentional torture.
"Yeah, I'm fine," he whispered back without looking over at Tommy again. Two
seconds later he was wishing he had, because if he'd bothered to glance in
Tommy's direction he might have had time to prepare himself for the feeling of
Tommy's fingers ghosting across the back of his neck. His whole body tensed
when Tommy's hand landed on his back just above his shoulder blades, it
couldn't have lasted more than a second but it felt like time ground to a halt
as Merton froze and waited for him to pull his hand away. He wasn't even sure
what the gesture meant, it was sort of a half-pat, half-squeeze with a brush of
fingertips across the fine hairs at the base of his neck. That was the part
that made Merton either want to bolt out of the room without a backwards glance
or turn and kiss Tommy for all he was worth, but his sense of self-preservation
took charge before he had a chance to do either.
Running out of the room would just make them both ask a bunch of questions he
didn't want to answer, either that or they'd think he was crazy and never want
to talk to him again. Maybe that was for the best, but he couldn't bring
himself to give up whatever this weird friendship was that Tommy seemed so
determined to forge. Kissing Tommy was even less of an option, for one thing
his girlfriend was sitting just a few feet away and for another he couldn't run
fast enough to escape having the shit pounded out of him by Tommy if he was
brave enough to kiss him. The thought of dying in Lori's family room didn't
appeal to him at all, regardless of how nice her house was.
Then Tommy's hand was gone again and Merton glanced at first Lori out of the
corner of his eye, then Tommy. Both of them were staring straight ahead,
however, Lori's expression a mixture of disgust and barely disguised amusement
as Tommy laughed at the antics onscreen. Merton tried to tell himself he'd just
imagined it, that Tommy had accidentally brushed the back of his neck the same
way he'd accidentally touched his knee or his thigh at least a dozen times
since the movie started. That didn't explain the way Tommy had squeezed his
shoulder, though, or the way his hand had lingered on Merton's back before he'd
pulled it away again. This was too much, he needed to get out of Lori's house
and away from Tommy so he could convince himself he wasn't going crazy.
"Oh no, this is too much. I'm going upstairs for a minute, I can't watch this,"
Lori moaned, pushing herself out of her chair and glancing at the two boys
sitting side by side on the couch. She smirked as Tommy grinned up at her,
raising one eyebrow as her gaze shifted from her supposed boyfriend to Merton
and back again.
"Come on, Lori, death by lawnmower. That's creative genius," Tommy teased,
laughing even harder at the look she shot him.
"Whatever, you enjoy. Merton, you want anything while I'm in the kitchen?"
"No…um, no thanks," he stammered, tearing his gaze away from the television
screen where he'd been carefully focusing on not looking at either of them.
"I'm fine." He barely stopped himself from rolling his eyes as what was
evidently his new mantra escaped his lips again. He felt heat rise into his
cheeks as Lori flashed him an amused grin and disappeared up the stairs,
willing the couch to open up and swallow him whole so he wouldn't have to be
alone with Tommy. He hated that he'd been reduced to a babbling idiot whenever
he was around the other boy, never in his life had he stammered so much as he
had in the past month. Tommy Dawkins was definitely bad for his health, but as
much as he wished he could he knew there was no way he was going to be able to
say no if Tommy ever asked him to hang out again.
Tommy didn't seem to notice his discomfort, however, in fact for a few minutes
after Lori left he didn't even seem to remember that Merton was still in the
room. Merton actually began to ponder whether or not he could get up and leave
without drawing the other boy's attention when Tommy shifted on the couch,
turning a little toward Merton and stretching his arm out across the back of
the cushions as he moved an inch or two away from the other boy. "If you
totally hate this we can turn it off," he said. "I mean I wouldn't give Lori
the satisfaction, she never wants to watch anything good. For somebody as hard-
assed as she likes to come off in school she loves all that sappy romantic
stuff. The only action movies I can get her to watch are the kickboxing or kung
fu ones. But if you hate the movie it's no problem turning it off."
"It's almost over," Merton pointed out, grinning in spite of himself as he
turned to glance at the screen and gauged that indeed the credits were just a
few minutes away from rolling.
"How do you…wait a second. You've seen this before?"
Merton blushed an even deeper shade of red as Tommy's green eyes got even
bigger, the bloodfest onscreen forgotten as he studied Merton's expression. The
smaller boy laughed nervously in spite of their proximity and shrugged. "I've
probably seen this one three or four times. I love monster movies, I think I've
seen practically every one of the classics. This one's not your classic monster
movie, of course, but it's a great parody of zombie movies. Peter Jackson has a
great flair for the absurd."
"Four times? Jesus, Merton, we could have watched something else," Tommy said,
a hint of embarrassment tempering the shock in his features.
"And miss Lori's face when they brought out the lawnmower? No way," Merton
answered, relaxing marginally as a broad grin began to tug at the corners of
Tommy's mouth. Staring at that mouth was a bad idea, though, because the longer
Tommy grinned at him without saying anything the harder it was to remember that
he wasn't allowed to just reach out and pull Tommy closer. He didn't have the
right to slide his hand around the back of Tommy's neck and pull him forward,
he couldn't press their lips together and finally learn what Tommy Dawkins
tasted like.
A throat cleared behind them and Merton jumped, flushing all over again as he
realized what he'd been thinking. Lori grinned and crossed to the VCR as the
credits rolled across the screen, stopping the tape and starting to rewind it
before she turned back to the shell-shocked pair on the couch. "Oh darn, I
missed the end. How will I ever sleep without knowing what happened?"
Tommy's grin returned as he glanced over at Merton, clapping the smaller boy on
the back before he pulled his hand away and leaned forward. "Don't worry about
it, Merton here can give you a play by play. He's seen Dead Alive four times."
Lori's sarcastic expression shifted to shock as she turned to stare at their
new friend. "Four times? Why didn't you say something?"
Merton shrugged, swallowing against the nervous tension that stubbornly refused
to leave his chest. "Why? It's a great movie."
"Finally, somebody with taste," Tommy said, grinning smugly at the look Lori
shot him. "Sorry, Lori, you're outnumbered now."
Merton blinked, just barely managing to rein in a shocked look as he glanced
from Tommy to Lori. There was no way that meant what it sounded like; Tommy
wasn't actually implying that he expected Merton to start hanging out with
them, was he? It just seemed so crazy, the idea of him hanging out with Tommy
Dawkins and Lori Baxter made no sense. It had to be a violation of at least a
dozen rules of the high school social hierarchy, and at the least it was bound
to be detrimental to his health. Still, there was the way Tommy touched him,
and the way he kept asking if Merton was alright…
"Yeah, well, I should go," he said abruptly, standing up and nearly tripping
over his own feet as he moved away from Tommy's warmth.
"Already? It's not even 10:00," Lori said, her forehead furrowing as they both
stood up and followed him across the room.
He grinned weakly, hoping he looked more relaxed than he'd felt all night as he
backed toward the stairs. "I know, sorry, it's just that my dad wants me to
help him out in his lab tomorrow. He teaches Physics at the University, it
looks good on my transcripts. He always leaves pretty early so I've gotta get
up early tomorrow." As soon as he realized he was babbling he snapped his jaw
shut, stopping just short of actually tripping over the bottom step. "Thanks
for inviting me."
"Any time," Lori answered, glancing over at Tommy. Merton followed her gaze
long enough to register the other boy standing next to her, his hands in his
pockets and his expression blank as he watched Merton making his escape. "I'll
walk you out."
"You don't have to," Merton said a little too quickly, his cheeks blazing and
his heart beating too hard against his ribcage. "I mean I can find my way out."
"Okay," Lori said, shrugging nonchalantly. "See you at school then."
"Yeah, see you," Merton echoed, stealing one last glance at Tommy before he
turned and forced himself not to run up the stairs.
~
When Merton finally reached the safety of his own house he let out a frustrated
groan and leaned back against the front door, closing his eyes as he waited for
his heart to stop racing. He was too young to drop dead of a heart attack, his
life hadn't even started yet and he was already working on an early grave. It
was stupid, too, because it wasn't like this was the first crush he'd ever had.
It wasn't even the first time he'd been close to a guy he was attracted to, he
wasn't nearly as clueless as everyone probably thought he was. A handful of
experiments didn't even come close to preparing him for the possibility that
Tommy Dawkins might be attracted to him, though, in fact every time he thought
it the whole concept seemed even more implausible.
Tommy had touched him, though, not the other way around. If he'd been the one
initiating actual physical contact he'd know it wasn't even a remote
possibility, but Tommy had touched him and Tommy had inched a little closer to
him every time he'd tried to move away. Hell, Tommy had even offered to turn
off a movie that he was obviously enjoying just because he was afraid Merton
wasn't having a good time. And the way he smelled…Merton's eyes snapped open
again as his jaw clenched against the jolt of desire that memory shot through
him.
"Mom, Freakboy's having a heart attack or something." Becky's voice sounded in
his ear and Merton turned in time to see his sister and one of her friends
standing in the entrance to the family room, both of them staring at him as
though he'd sprouted horns or something.
"I'm not having a heart attack," he growled, as much to himself as to convince
Becky.
"Well you look like you are," Becky shot back, a smirk lighting up her features
as she crossed her arms over her chest. "Why don't you hurry up and die so I
can have your room?"
Merton smiled sarcastically and pushed himself off the door, turning in the
direction of the kitchen. "Yeah, I'll get right on that," he muttered as he
walked away. As he made his way through the dining room he sent out a quick
prayer to the universe that neither of his parents were hanging around in the
kitchen. The last thing he wanted to do was have a conversation about his
evening, he just wanted to get a glass of water and go to bed to not think
about how he'd humiliated himself in front of Tommy yet again.
He pushed open the door between the dining room and the kitchen, all his hopes
dying as he focused on not just one, but both of his parents sitting at the
kitchen table. "Hi," he mumbled as they looked up at him, turning toward the
cabinet where they kept the glasses.
"You're home early," his mother commented, watching her son over the top of her
glasses as he filled a glass of water from the water dispenser on the front of
the fridge. "Did you have a nice time?"
"Sure," Merton answered, not bothering to look over at his parents as he took a
long gulp of cool water. "Kinda tired, though. I'm going to bed."
He saw his parents exchange worried glances out of the corner of his eye and
sighed inwardly, wishing they'd just stop trying to be so involved with his
life for once. Hell, he'd been to Lori's house four times now and he had yet to
lay eyes on either of her parents, it just figured he'd be born into the only
family left in the free world where the parents actually paid attention to what
their kids were doing.
"Merton, honey," his mother began again, evoking a frustrated sigh from her son
as he turned to face his parents, "are you sure everything's okay?"
"I'm fine," he said for the fourth time that night, rolling his eyes at the
pitiful repetition his life had become. He couldn't even have an interesting
conversation anymore, this was definitely the beginning of the end. "Why does
everybody keep asking me that?"
His mother stood up from the table and crossed the kitchen to stop in front of
him, frowning thoughtfully as she reached out to feel his forehead. "No fever,"
she said, more to herself than for his benefit. "His eyes are a little glassy,
though, and he looks so drawn."
"I'm just tired," he muttered, jerking out of his mother's reach as she grabbed
his chin and tilted his head so she could get a look at his eyes. "I've got a
lot going on, senior year is harder than it looks. Plus there's my applications
and tutoring. There's nothing wrong with me, Mom, I swear."
"You know if something's bothering you you can come to us," she said as though
she hadn't even heard him. "That's why we're here, your father and I love you
very much. We just want you to be happy."
Somehow Merton managed not to roll his eyes as he blushed for what felt like
the hundredth time that night, ignoring the jolt of sadness that came along
with the embarrassment at his mother's speech. He didn't like making his
parents worry, he didn't really like drawing this much attention to himself
under any circumstances. If everyone would just go back to either ignoring him
or keeping it to a few disparaging comments about his clothes his life would be
so much easier. "I know, Mom. I'm fine, I swear."
He set his still half-full glass in the sink and turned toward the entrance to
the kitchen, mumbling something that sounded vaguely like 'goodnight' before he
fled for the sanctity of his bedroom. When he was finally alone he let out a
deep breath and slowly pulled off his coat, tossing it in the direction of his
desk chair before he took off his shoes and threw himself down on his bed. The
whole night had been a complete disaster, starting with humiliating himself in
front of Tommy and Lori and ending with his parents thinking he was on drugs or
something.
Slowly he forced himself back into a sitting position and made his way toward
the bathroom he shared with Becky, carefully locking the door that led to her
bedroom before he turned toward the mirror and stared critically at his
reflection. "Just great," he muttered as he took in the dark circles under his
eyes and the pallor of his skin. They were right, he did look sick. Well at
least now he knew why Tommy kept acting like he was about to drop dead any
second. There was no way Tommy would be interested in him, especially not
looking like an extra from the original Night of the Living Dead. He groaned as
a fresh wave of humiliation washed over him and began peeling his clothes off,
inspecting the area just above his abdomen where his bruised ribs were still
healing.
When he was satisfied that they looked a little better he eased the zipper of
his jeans down and stepped out of them and his boxers, dropping them in a heap
on the floor before he turned the shower on. He stepped into the warm spray and
closed his eyes as he let the water soak his hair and skin, willing away the
memory of Tommy's fingers on his neck. Try as he might he couldn't forget the
way it felt when Tommy's fingers brushed his bare skin, though, and he felt an
all-too-familiar heat building up in his groin at the memory.
He sighed and gave up trying to fight it, leaning back against the shower tiles
as he slowly began to stroke himself. An image of Tommy immediately flooded his
senses, complete with the memory of his scent, the feeling of his warm breath
on Merton's neck and the sound of his low, rich voice. Merton squeezed his eyes
more tightly shut and replaced the image of Tommy with Luke Perry, but Luke
looked too much like Tommy and the two images kept morphing into a weird
combination of both faces. He gave up on Luke Perry and searched his catalog of
celebrity crushes for someone that didn't resemble Tommy at all, finally
settling on Spike. James Marsters was everything Tommy wasn't, but as soon as
Merton pictured him he began to morph into a face that Merton had no desire of
associating with his current activity.
"Fuck," he groaned as he tightened his grip and gave up trying to avoid
fantasizing about Tommy. He gave himself over to the image of Tommy pressed up
against him in the shower, water dripping down the sides of his face as his
hand replaced Merton's to stroke him. His orgasm took him by surprise, and he
barely managed to stifle a cry that would have alerted everyone in the house to
what he was doing. He collapsed against the shower wall, panting as he slowly
came back to himself. When he finally regained control of his motor functions
he opened his eyes and sighed, reaching for the soap to clean up what the water
hadn't already taken care of. That was as close as he was ever going to get to
Tommy, so maybe there wasn't really any harm in fantasizing about him. As long
as nobody knew it couldn't hurt.
***** Chapter 8 *****
Another loud yawn escaped Merton's throat as he leaned over the experiment his
father's grad students were conducting, trying and failing to focus on the lab
notes his father had given him when they got to the lab. He blinked and then
blinked again when his vision didn't clear, finally letting out a frustrated
sigh and pushing himself off the stool he'd been perched on. He made his way on
automatic pilot to the soda machine at the end of the hall, his mind wandering
to the reason he was so tired and completely incapable of concentrating.
After his shower the night before he'd tried to go to bed and forget about the
confusing evening with Lori and Tommy, he'd done everything he could think of
to put the memory of Tommy touching him out of his mind. He knew how stupid it
was to create an entire fantasy around one casual touch that Tommy probably
didn't even realize he was doing at the time. There was no way they were going
to be anything besides friends, and after the way he took off the night before
he wasn't even sure about that. It was entirely possible that Tommy and Lori
would never ask him to hang out with them again after the way he'd acted, and
he couldn't blame them.
He blushed and shook his head to chase the memory out of his mind, pushing a
button on the soda machine and reaching down to pick up the cold can. Once he'd
popped the top he leaned back against the machine and took a long sip of liquid
caffeine, letting his eyes fall closed as he wished that he'd just stayed home
instead of going into the lab with his father. He'd never really thought about
what a pathetic way it was for a teenager to spend his Saturday, but in the
past few weeks he'd been thinking a lot of things that he'd never thought about
before.
No doubt Tommy and Lori had something a lot more fun planned for their weekend,
most likely together. He'd spent most of the previous night lying awake
torturing himself by trying to picture the two of them together in various
compromising positions, but no matter how hard he tried to convince himself
that they really were a couple he couldn't do it. It just didn't add up, not
with the way they acted when they were around him anyway. A frustrated groan
escaped his throat as he made his way back to the lab and looked at the
experiment he was supposed to be working on, willing the thoughts out of his
mind before he lost it completely.
It wasn't like he could just come right out and ask Tommy what the deal was
with him and Lori, in fact if he was going to ask either of them it would be
safer to ask Lori. When it came right down to it she was the one he knew best,
he spent more time with her and as long as Tommy wasn't around he managed to
stay calm enough to hold a conversation. He could just imagine how that would
go over, though; for one thing he didn't know whether or not Tommy had told
Lori that Merton was gay, and even if she didn't know she'd still tell Tommy
that Merton had asked. Even on the off chance that she didn't she'd wonder why
he wanted to know, or she'd just think he was as stupid as he felt for not
being able to figure it out on his own.
This was getting way out of hand. Personal pride aside, he was smart enough to
do college-level Physics work for extra credit, he ought to be able to figure
out what was going on with a couple teenagers. Better yet, he shouldn't even
care, because regardless of whether Tommy and Lori were the supercouple
everyone took them for he didn't stand a chance. Tommy could come out tomorrow
and Merton still wouldn't stand a chance, no matter how nice Tommy was to him.
He just had to stop mistaking pity for affection.
"Everything going okay?" His father's voice interrupted his thoughts as the
older man stopped next to Merton and peered over his shoulder. Merton winced as
he watched his father frown thoughtfully at his lack of progress, bracing
himself for the inevitable questions. He expected his father to launch into an
interrogation as to what was bothering Merton, whether he was feeling alright
and if he thought he should go back to the doctor for an MRI or maybe some more
blood tests. Instead his father just raised one eyebrow and turned to look at
his son, smiling gently when he met Merton's anxious expression. "Need some
help getting started?"
It just figured that his father would skip straight over 'worried and
protective' and go right for 'understanding' just when Merton was least
expecting it. Granted, overreacting was more his mother's forte, but he hadn't
expected his dad to just pretend everything was fine after last night. He
managed a sheepish smile before he tore his gaze away from the older man's,
picking up the lab notes he'd tried and failed to read a dozen times in the
past half hour. "Guess I just got a little distracted. I was thinking about
something else."
"I see," Mr. Dingle said, sinking onto the stool at the next lab station and
eyeing his son. "Anything you'd like to talk about?"
"Not really." Merton shrugged and dropped the lab notes onto his station with a
soft sigh, his shoulders falling a little as he gave up on getting anything
productive done. "Guess you could say it's another experiment."
"For school?"
"Not exactly," Merton said, catching his lower lip between his teeth as he
realized what he'd admitted. He had no intention of discussing Tommy with his
father or anyone else, but not being able to talk to anyone about it was
practically killing him. The more time he spent around Tommy the more confused
he got, and if he didn't get at least some of it off his chest soon he was
going to explode. "More like a social experiment."
His father nodded slowly but didn't stand up, and Merton swallowed another sigh
as he realized he wasn't getting out of it that easily. That was the trouble
with growing up in a house with a scientist and a political science teacher,
when his mother wasn't cross-examining him his father was busy collecting data
to build possible theories as to what was bothering him. "Does this have
anything to do with your new friend…what was his name? Tommy?"
Merton felt the color drain out of his cheeks, but he managed to keep his jaw
from dropping as Tommy's name rolled off his father's lips. "No…why would you…?
No. Tommy's not even a friend." Even though he knew it was more or less true,
saying those words made his throat tighten a little and he swallowed hard
against the surge of disappointment and frustration welling up in his chest.
"Really? He certainly seemed like one to me. When I met him he seemed anxious
to speak with you, and your mother tells me he was very concerned about your
health after you got out of the hospital."
Heat crept up Merton's neck and into his cheeks as he glanced up and found his
father watching him with a slightly bemused expression. Did he know? It was
possible, it wasn't like he ever brought girls home or talked about girls at
all. He'd never pretended to be something he wasn't, at least not
intentionally. So it was possible his parents had guessed, but them thinking
they knew something was still a lot different than Merton actually admitting it
out loud. For a split second he considered just telling his father the truth,
but he knew if he did it would only be a matter of time before his sister found
out. Once Becky had concrete evidence of that kind of information it would only
be a matter of time before it was all over school, and then he could kiss even
his acquaintanceship with Tommy goodbye.
"He just wanted help with a paper," Merton muttered, his cheeks blazing as he
tore his gaze away from the older man's. He hated letting his father think that
the only reason Tommy had come over was for help on his English homework, but
it was the truth. No matter how much he wanted to believe otherwise he knew the
truth, in fact that was the only reason Tommy had invited him to Lori's to
watch movies. They felt sorry for him and they were being nice because he'd
helped them both out with their schoolwork, that was it.
"Too bad, he seems like a nice young man," Mr. Dingle said, finally pushing
himself off the stool and taking a few steps toward the lab door. "I'll let you
get back to your experiment. I'll be in my office working on a grant when
you're ready to go."
Merton managed a weak smile as his father turned and walked out of the lab,
once again leaving him alone with his thoughts. He took a deep breath and
closed his eyes, willing his mind to go blank so he wouldn't have to think
about the possibility of his parents knowing what was really bothering him. No
one could know how he felt about Tommy, because if that happened it was going
to be even harder for him to get over it. He didn't think he could stand his
parents trying to be understanding, not about this. He didn't want to talk
about it, he didn't even want to think about it because the more he did the
closer he came to admitting to himself exactly how strong his crush had gotten.
"It's just a crush," he hissed into the silence of the room, clenching his jaw
as he reached for the lab notes again and forced himself to focus on the
experiment and not how he felt about Tommy Dawkins.
~
After two days of not thinking about Tommy he was so tired that school seemed
like a welcome break. At least there he didn't have to be alone with his
thoughts, he had classes to distract him and there were plenty of people around
to remind him that he was still just Merton Dingle, Social Outcast. That only
lasted until a few minutes before third period, though, because just as he
turned the corner toward his History class he looked up to find himself face to
face with both Tommy and Lori.
"Hey, Merton," Lori said as soon as she spotted him, grinning brightly as she
walked past him. He opened his mouth and made a sound that he hoped resembled
something English, his gaze fixed on Tommy as the taller boy glanced over at
him.
"Hey," Tommy echoed, holding Merton's gaze for a split second longer than he
needed to before he followed Lori past the other boy. As soon as they were past
him Merton realized that he was standing in the center of the hall with his
mouth open, and he blushed from the top of his head all the way through his
extremities. He couldn't even run into someone in the hall without making a
total idiot of himself, he might as well just give up and quit school right
now. There was no way he was making it to graduation with his pride intact,
that pretty much went out the window the first time Tommy spoke to him. He'd
been hoping to at least keep his crush to himself, though, and at this point he
was positive he'd already blown that. The only thing left to do was tell his
parents that he'd changed his mind and he really did want to finish the year at
the University. Either that or leave the country and change his name, which was
starting to sound more and more appealing.
One look from Tommy and all the time he'd spent working the other boy out of
his system went right out the window. All it took was a hint of confusion and
reproach in Tommy's eyes and Merton found himself wondering all over again if
he was losing his mind, if it was possible that Tommy thought of him as
something other than the pathetic kid that he had to protect from T'n'T. For
some reason he couldn't even fathom the most popular guy in school cared
whether or not he lived through the school year, and Merton couldn't even
manage to choke out a 'hello' when he saw Tommy in the hallway. He rolled his
eyes and forced himself to begin walking again, hoping that no one had
witnessed the exchange or his latest humiliation.
All he had to say was 'hi', it was just one syllable. He was a straight A
student, he was on the honor roll every semester, and he already had college
credits from working in his father's lab. There was no reason he couldn't
manage to say hello to a couple kids in his class, no matter who they were. He
wasn't that out of practice at socializing with kids his own age, was he?
Granted it had been awhile since he'd really been interested in hanging out
with anyone he went to school with but he still remembered how it worked. Now
Tommy and Lori were going to think he was the freak everyone else thought he
was, Lori would probably demand a new tutor and Tommy…well, there was no way
Tommy was ever going to speak to him again.
A heavy sigh escaped his throat as he threw himself down in a seat near the
back of his History classroom and laid his head on the desk, ignoring his
teacher and the other students as he tried to convince himself that he was just
having a nightmare and he'd wake up any second. The trouble was that a few
hours later he was still having the same nightmare, and no matter how hard he
tried he couldn't wake up. Once he got to last period Chemistry he gave up
hoping that it was all an elaborate hallucination and accepted the fact that
Tommy just wasn't going to talk to him ever again. He'd had his chance Friday
night, and he'd just proved to Tommy and Lori that everyone at school was right
about him. They'd given him a chance to prove he wasn't a total spazz and he'd
failed miserably, that was all there was to it.
"Merton? Are you alright?"
Merton looked up at the sound of Mr. Clark's voice, noticing for the first time
that the classroom was empty. He rolled his eyes as he realized that he hadn't
even heard the bell ring, pushing himself out of his seat and reaching for his
backpack. "Yeah, I'm okay," he answered, too tired and disgusted with himself
to remember that he was supposed to be polite to teachers. "Guess my mind just
wandered."
Mr. Clark flashed him a bemused smile as he reached for his briefcase and began
rifling through a stack of folders inside. "Well I suppose your grades are
strong enough that you can afford one off day," he said, not bothering to
glance up at the younger man as he searched his papers. "I have something for
you…here it is."
Merton frowned as he walked toward the desk at the front of the lab stations
and reached for the envelope Mr. Clark held out to him. He glanced down at it,
realization dawning on him as he recognized the address on the front. "My
recommendation?"
"If anyone deserves it it's you," Mr. Clark said, his smile growing wider as
Merton met his gaze and grinned. "You've worked hard for it."
"I just hope I get in," he said, carefully tucking the envelope into his
backpack. "Thanks, Mr. Clark."
"You'll get in," Mr. Clark assured him, standing up to walk Merton toward the
door. "With your grades and your experience you're a shoo-in."
Merton paused to smile his thanks at his teacher before he stepped out into the
hallway, feeling a little more like himself for the first time since he ran
into Tommy. The letter of recommendation was the last piece he needed to
complete his application to the summer program at Johns Hopkins, and that was
his key to getting out of Pleasantville. Leaving the small town behind had been
his main goal since he was a freshman, and now that that day was finally within
reach he wasn't sure if he should be excited or terrified.
He turned the corner toward his locker to get his homework and coat, ignoring
the few remaining students still loitering in the halls. His mind was on his
future, and for the first time all day he wasn't thinking about Tommy. So it
was a complete shock when he stopped in front of his locker only to find Tommy
standing there, leaning against the wall as he watched Merton approach. For a
second he wondered if he was caught in some sort of weird time warp, then the
memory of standing in the middle of the hallway with his mouth hanging open as
Tommy stared at him came rushing back. He blushed the color of Tommy's
letterman jacket and cleared his throat, shifting his weight nervously as Tommy
pushed himself off the lockers and shoved his hands in his pockets.
"Hey," he said, and for a split second Merton almost thought that Tommy looked
as nervous as he felt.
"Hey," Merton echoed, biting the insides of his cheeks to keep from breaking
into a hysterical bout of laughter or worse, throwing up on Tommy's sneakers.
"Aren't you supposed to be at football practice?"
Tommy smiled at that, some of the nervous tension fading out of his eyes as he
nodded and glanced over Merton's head in the direction of the gym. "Yeah, in a
few minutes. But I wanted to catch you before you left."
"Okay," Merton said slowly, turning his back to Tommy long enough to open his
locker and set his books inside. When he was done he turned back to face the
other boy, crossing his arms over his chest as he prayed he didn't look as
nervous as he felt. "What's up?"
"Did Lori and I do something wrong on Friday night?" Tommy asked, shifting a
little closer to the smaller boy and dropping his voice so no one would
overhear him. "I mean you ran out of there pretty fast, it seemed like there
was something bothering you. I thought everything was cool until you took off,
so I figured maybe one of us said something."
It was all Merton could do not to laugh at the absurdity of the question, he
knew it would just be a nervous reaction but he wasn't sure how else to react.
The thought of Tommy Dawkins worrying about Merton's feelings was unfathomable,
as though it was his fault that Merton was a complete idiot. "No, I mean
everything was fine. I told you, I had to get up early on Saturday."
"Yeah, but you seemed kinda…I don't know, jumpy. I'm sorry about the movie, I
didn't know you'd already seen it."
Any urge to laugh faded as Merton looked into Tommy's eyes and saw how serious
the other boy was; the thought of Tommy agonizing all weekend about what he'd
done to offend Merton was almost sweet. Dangerous, but sweet nonetheless. He
knew his subconscious was going to have a field day trying to convince him to
read more into Tommy's concern than what was really there, but it was almost
worth it just to watch Tommy chew on his lower lip while he waited for an
answer. "The movie was fine," he finally said. He paused, looking away from
Tommy as he tried to decide what exactly to tell him. He couldn't just blurt
out the truth, but he had to offer him some kind of explanation. Otherwise
Tommy was just going to start thinking he was insane, and that was worse than
Tommy not knowing who he was at all. "It's just…I don't get it. Why are you and
Lori being so nice to me?"
Tommy frowned, confusion marring his features as Merton's words sank in. "What
do you mean? We're not acting any different than we ever do."
"Come on, Tommy, you're the captain of the football team and Lori's been the
most popular girl in school since her first day here. You guys shouldn't even
know who I am, let alone invite me over to watch movies."
Slowly a grin began to spread over Tommy's features, his eyes lighting up with
amusement as he listened to Merton's idea of logic. "You seriously think that?"
"Well, yeah," Merton muttered, shifting uncomfortably under Tommy's amused
gaze. He hadn't really planned to blurt that out, but it wasn't like he was
telling Tommy anything he didn't already know. Merton was nobody at
Pleasantville High, he was well aware of that. Maybe Tommy and Lori could
afford the luxury of ignoring that fact, but he wasn't so lucky. Knowing his
place was a large part of his survival plan for high school, and he wasn't
about to forget it in the last few months.
"That's crazy, Merton," Tommy said, shaking his head as though the idea was
ridiculous. "I don't care what people think I should do and neither does Lori.
She thinks you're cool. Besides, who else am I supposed to watch monster movies
with? Lori's completely worthless when it comes to that stuff."
Blood pounded against Merton's eardrums so hard that he had trouble
concentrating on Tommy's words, his temperature rising as Tommy flashed him a
lopsided grin. It was all he could do to keep his knees from giving out as he
listened to Tommy tell him that he actually wanted to hang out with him. There
was no way this was happening, and yet Tommy was still standing there grinning
at him. Finally Merton cleared his throat and shifted his weight, meeting
Tommy's gaze with a shy grin. "Have you seen An American Werewolf in London? I
have it on video."
"Are you kidding? Werewolf movies are my favorite. Most people think they're
kind of lame but I like them."
"I've got the whole Howling series too," Merton said before he could stop
himself. He had no idea what he thought he was doing, but if Tommy was
determined to be his friend at least they had something in common. "I kind of
collect monster movies."
"Cool." For a long, breathless moment Tommy held his gaze, and all Merton could
do was smile back at him and hope he wasn't visibly shaking. Then the taller
boy sighed and took a step backwards, regret flooding his features as he
glanced over Merton's shoulder again. "Listen, I better get to practice before
they come looking for me. So we're cool, right?"
"Yeah, sure," Merton answered, wincing at the breathless quality of his voice.
When he had a chance to think about it he'd be grateful that he'd at least
managed to hold something resembling a conversation with Tommy, but for now it
was all he could do to stay on his feet. "See you."
"See you," Tommy echoed as he walked past Merton in the direction of the gym.
When he was halfway down the hall he glanced over his shoulder, his grin
returning as he caught Merton's gaze and waved. Somehow Merton got his brain to
work with him long enough to wave back, thankful that at least Tommy was far
enough away that he wouldn't see Merton blush even harder. He forced himself to
turn back to his locker as Tommy disappeared around the corner, absently
shoving books in his backpack as he tried and failed to talk himself out of
reading too much into what had just happened.
***** Chapter 9 *****
A slender hand shot out and caught the pencil Merton had been tapping against
the coffee table, surprising him out of his thoughts. He looked up to find Lori
glaring at him as she pulled the pencil out of his grip and dropped it on the
table out of his reach. "Okay, what gives? You're all fidgety, it's making me
crazy."
"Sorry," Merton muttered, tearing his gaze away from her to stare at his open
Chemistry book. "I didn't realize I was doing it."
"It's okay, Merton," Lori said, letting out an exasperated sigh as he
stubbornly refused to look at her. "It's just that you've been nervous since
you got here. What's up?"
"Nothing," he said a little too quickly, shifting on the couch cushion and
glancing in her direction without quite meeting her eyes. He wished he was a
better actor, because it was obvious that Lori wasn't buying it by the way she
was still staring at him. There was no way he was going to tell her what was
wrong, though, it was way too embarrassing.
Lori frowned and dropped her notebook on the coffee table, her Chemistry
homework forgotten as she turned toward Merton and studied his profile. "Give
me a break. This doesn't have something to do with last Friday night, does it?
I mean you were fine on Tuesday, and Tommy said he talked to you about that."
"No," he answered, the color draining from his face at the mention of Tommy's
name. "He…he told you about that?"
"Sure, why not?" Lori shrugged noncommittally and inched a little closer to
Merton, reaching for his Chemistry book and closing it. "So I know it's not me,
at least I don't think it is. It's not, is it?"
Merton laughed as he let her pull his book out of his hands, shaking his head
without looking over at her. She was right, he'd been nervous since he got to
her house and he wasn't doing a very good job of hiding it. What she didn't
know was that his current nervous state had been steadily building all week,
and it didn't have anything to do with her or Tommy. The fact was that the past
three weeks at school had been almost peaceful, but the closer they got to the
end of the week the closer his reprieve from T'n'T was to being over. Their
three weeks of suspension ended on Monday, and even though he hadn't heard a
word out of them while they were suspended he had a feeling they hadn't
forgotten who got them kicked out of school.
"No, it's definitely not you," he finally said. "I'm just distracted because
I've got a lot of schoolwork, and I'm waiting for colleges to get back to me."
"Already?"
He shrugged and forced himself to look over at her, smiling nervously at her
bemused expression. "Early acceptance."
Lori rolled her eyes and grinned good-naturedly, leaning back on the couch and
letting out a heavy sigh. "Figures, the rest of us are just hoping to get into
State and you're waiting on early acceptance letters. Let me guess, Ivy
League?"
"Amherst," he answered, his cheeks flushing as she shook her head.
"No way is that why you've been acting so jumpy today. Come on, Merton, you
know you're gonna get in. You're the smartest guy in school."
He shook his head, ignoring her snort of disbelief. "I'm not, really. I won't
even make valedictorian."
"Whatever, the point is you don't have to worry about getting into some stuck-
up Ivy League school. All you have to worry about is coasting through the last
few months…oh." She stopped talking suddenly, her eyes growing a little wider
as she sat up and leveled a serious stare at him. "That's what this is all
about, huh? Surviving the last few months of school."
Merton swallowed hard and looked away from her, his cheeks blazing an even
deeper shade of red as a fresh wave of humiliation washed over him. The last
thing he wanted to do was talk to Lori about Tim and Travis, it was bad enough
that everyone in school knew why they'd been suspended. He didn't need Lori's
pity on top of it, and he definitely didn't need her trying to help the way
Tommy had. "Just forget it, okay?"
"Come on, Merton, you don't have to worry about those guys," she said, her
voice soft as she watched him blush. "They know they're off the team if it
happens again, and that goes for anybody they might want to push around, not
just you."
"Football season doesn't last that much longer," Merton reminded her, forcing
himself to glance over at her long enough to let his point sink in.
Lori opened her mouth and then closed it again, pausing for a long moment
before her cheerful grin returned. "Well I heard the next time they might even
get expelled."
"Yeah, well, I'm pretty sure the next time they wouldn't bother leaving any
witnesses," Merton said, wincing as the words he hadn't intended to say out
loud escaped his lips. Lori frowned at the truth behind his statement, her
silence telling Merton that he wasn't completely crazy to think that the twins
might be out for blood this time. It was obvious they weren't just going to let
it go, and considering what happened last time he was pretty sure things would
just be worse on Monday.
"You know Tommy won't let anything happen."
Merton's breath caught in his throat and he looked up sharply, forgetting to be
embarrassed as he searched Lori's eyes for the meaning behind her words. He had
no idea what to say, he didn't even know what was going on with Tommy but
suddenly he got the feeling that Lori knew more than she was letting on. She
sounded so sure about it, as though she and Tommy had talked about Merton's
problems with Tim and Travis. "What makes you say that?" he asked, his voice
barely above a whisper as he forced himself to hold her gaze.
"He's the captain of the team, it's like his job to keep those guys in line."
She shrugged as though that much should be obvious.
"Oh. Yeah, you're right. I hadn't thought about it that way," he said, pasting
what he hoped was a nonchalant grin on his face. It was bad enough that Lori
had figured out he was worried about T'n'T coming back to school, the last
thing he needed was for her to get the idea that he was interested in Tommy. He
didn't believe for one second that Tommy could actually stop Tim and Travis
from rearranging all Merton's vital organs, but he wasn't about to give her any
more ammunition.
"See? Nothing to worry about," she said, smirking as she picked up her notebook
again. Merton's eyebrows shot up as he watched something flash in her eyes, but
he told himself he was imagining things and reached for the Chemistry book
she'd confiscated earlier. Lori didn't know anything about how he felt, and
there was nothing else she could possibly know that he should be worried about.
Besides, he couldn't afford to worry about whatever games Tommy and Lori played
to fill up their time. He needed to concentrate on living through the next
week, let alone the rest of the school year. For now he'd just worry about the
rest of football season, and after that he'd start to rethink this whole plan
to finish out the year at Pleasantville High.
~
Merton looked up from his application essay when the doorbell rang, his heart
in his throat as he tried to convince himself that whoever was at the door
wasn't there to see him. Nobody ever came to see him, most likely it was one of
Becky's friends or maybe one of the professors that worked with his parents.
The only person that had dropped in on him since the school year started was
Tommy, and he wasn't just going to swing by on a Friday night. He let out a
frustrated sigh and forced himself to turn his attention back to his computer
screen, trying and failing to focus on the few paragraphs he'd written so far.
He was about to give up and start over for the tenth time when a knock sounded
on his bedroom door, and he sucked in a sharp breath as the door swung open and
Tommy appeared. "Hey," Tommy said, glancing around Merton's room as he stepped
in and closed the door behind him again. "Your mom said it was okay if I just
came up."
"Yeah, of course," Merton answered, his words coming out in a rush of breath as
he forgot all about the essay he was supposed to be writing. "What are you
doing here?"
Tommy held up a case from the video rental store not far from the school,
grinning sheepishly as he watched Merton's forehead furrow. "Took a chance that
you wouldn't be busy."
"Oh." Merton swallowed convulsively as he continued to stare at the video, his
pulse racing as it sank in that Tommy was standing in his bedroom on a Friday
night asking if he wanted to hang out. Just like that, like it was the most
natural thing in the world for the two of them to spend two Fridays in a row
watching dumb horror movies.
"So are you?"
"Am I what?" Merton asked, blinking as he tore his gaze away from the video
long enough to focus on an amused-looking Tommy.
"Are you busy?" Tommy asked, glancing in the direction of Merton's desk. His
gaze fell on the computer screen and he took a few steps forward, dropping the
video on the corner of the desk as he leaned close to Merton to read what he'd
been working on. "College applications? I thought everybody was done with those
already."
Merton cleared his throat and inched as far away from the other boy as he could
without falling over his desk chair, praying that Tommy wouldn't hear the way
his heart was pounding against his ribcage. "Yeah…I mean no…I mean it's not a
college application." He paused and squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself to
calm down long enough to get a simple sentence out. "It's a summer research
program at Johns Hopkins. I can finish tomorrow."
"Cool." Tommy straightened up and grinned at Merton, the look in his eyes a
mixture of amusement and relief. "I wasn't sure, I mean I would have called
first but I didn't have your number. So I just took a shot."
"It's okay, I mean I'm glad you're here," Merton said, blushing as he listened
to himself stammer. He hoped that Tommy would just assume that he was always
that particular shade of red, at least that way he wouldn't realize how often
Merton blushed when he was around. He cursed his Scandinavian heritage and his
thin skin for the thousandth time and took a deep breath, his pulse slowing
down marginally as Tommy took a few steps backwards and sank onto the edge of
his bed.
"So where's Johns…that school?" Tommy asked, his gaze locked on Merton's as he
watched the smaller boy sink into his desk chair.
"Washington, D.C.," Merton answered.
"That's a long way to go for just a summer."
Merton tore his gaze away from Tommy's, glancing at his computer screen while
he tried to convince himself that he was imagining the look of regret in
Tommy's eyes. There was no way Tommy Dawkins cared what he did with his summer,
it didn't matter that he was sitting in Merton's bedroom on a Friday night. It
didn't matter that he'd come over with some cheesy horror movie, he'd get sick
of being charitable long before summer rolled around. "Yeah, well, I'm planning
to go to college out East," Merton explained when he finally turned back to
Tommy. "Amherst."
Tommy nodded slowly, looking down at his folded hands for a moment. When he
looked back up at Merton he was smiling, but there was something almost wistful
in his expression. "Yeah? That's great. I wish I was going away to school, but
no way would my dad go for it. He's already worked out a deal with the football
coach at State."
So that was what the regret in his features was about. Merton swallowed an
irrational surge of disappointment and told himself he was crazy to think Tommy
actually cared whether or not he went away to college. It was just envy, Tommy
probably wanted to get out of Pleasantville almost as much as Merton did. Every
kid wanted to leave home, especially if they grew up in a dead-end town like
Pleasantville. Tommy was just jealous that Merton was going all the way to
Amherst while he'd be stuck going to State like most of the kids in their
class. "My parents teach there," Merton finally said, hoping his disappointment
didn't show on his face. "It's a good school."
"Both your parents?" Tommy smiled a little wider, chasing the sadness out of
his eyes as Merton nodded. "Guess that explains why you're so smart."
Merton laughed nervously, looking down at the floor as his cheeks flushed
again. "I'm not really that smart. I guess having two professors for parents
just made me take my schoolwork more seriously than most kids. My dad teaches
Physics and Mom teaches Political Science."
"So how come you're not staying here for college? I mean if both your parents
are already professors there…"
"If both your parents worked at State would you want to go there?" Merton
grinned as Tommy winced at the thought, his smile turning sheepish as he shook
his head. "Besides, my dad went to Amherst, so it's a big deal for him if I go
there too. I thought about leaving Pleasantville High early and finishing the
year at State, though."
"Really? How come?"
Merton shrugged and looked away again, biting his lip as he wondered when he'd
lost control of his life. He definitely hadn't meant to say that, certainly not
to Tommy. "You know, starting your freshman year with college credits already
under your belt looks really good."
"Right," Tommy said, frowning thoughtfully as he watched Merton avoid meeting
his gaze. "You sure it doesn't have anything to do with T'n'T?"
"Not really. I mean no, why would it?"
Tommy sighed and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he waited
for Merton to look up at him. Merton could feel the other boy's gaze on him,
but the last thing he wanted to do was look over at Tommy. He didn't want to
have this conversation with him, it was bad enough having to talk to Lori about
it.
"Look, Lori told me you were worried about them."
Merton rolled his eyes and forced himself to look over at the other boy, not
bothering to hide his frustration. He should have known Lori would tell Tommy
everything he said, her first loyalty would be to her boyfriend. If they felt
for some sick reason like they had to protect him from himself there was
nothing he could do to stop them. "I can handle it," he said, his expression
daring Tommy to argue with him.
"I couldn't even handle T'n'T by myself," Tommy pointed out. "Trust me, you
don't have to worry about them, Merton. I know I said that last time but the
coach will make sure they don't take any more stupid risks. They're not gonna
get themselves kicked out of school just because of some grudge against you."
Merton didn't bother to point out that they'd already done just that, he was
pretty sure Tommy meant they wouldn't risk getting expelled. He wasn't even
close to convinced that Tommy was right about that, in fact he wasn't even sure
Tim and Travis would bother to wait until the last few weeks of football season
were over before they pounded him into a greasy smear on the bathroom floor.
None of that was anything he wanted to point out to Tommy, though, because that
meant admitting to Tommy how scared he was.
"Don't worry about it," he said, hoping he looked more confident than he felt.
"I mean it's not like they don't terrorize pretty much the whole school. I'll
just stay out of their way."
Tommy smiled back at Merton, but he could tell the taller boy wasn't buying his
act. The truth was Merton was worried about it, but there was nothing Tommy
could do to make him feel better. Even if he promised to make sure Tim and
Travis didn't come near Merton he couldn't be there every minute, and the last
thing Merton needed was Tommy acting like his personal bodyguard.
"So what movie did you bring?" Merton asked hopefully, breathing a sigh of
relief when Tommy's features lit up.
"Basket Case, ever seen it?"
"No, I've heard of it but I haven't watched it," Merton admitted, standing up
and reaching for the video.
Tommy grinned and stood up to follow him out of the room, Merton's problems
momentarily forgotten as he warmed up to one of his favorite subjects. "Oh man,
it's the dumbest movie ever. You're gonna love it."
Merton led Tommy into the family room, smiling affectionately at the other
boy's enthusiasm. He knew spending time alone with Tommy was just going to make
hiscrush worse, but they did have a lot in common and Tommy seemed to like
hanging out with him. Maybe not as much as Merton enjoyed having Tommy around,
but he wasn't too proud to take what he could get.
He put the tape in the VCR and turned on the television before he settled onto
the couch next to Tommy, careful not to sit too close to the other boy. As soon
as he settled back against the couch cushions Tommy turned toward him, tearing
his gaze away from the screen long enough to grin at Merton. "I can't believe
you've never seen this before."
"You know it's got two or three sequels," Merton said. "I've seen clips from a
couple of them."
"I've only seen the first one." Tommy shifted back to look at the screen as the
credits began to roll, inching a little closer to Merton in the process. Merton
swallowed hard and told himself that it didn't mean anything, that Tommy was
just excited about the movie. He probably didn't even notice the way their arms
brushed or the fact that he was close enough to Merton to lean forward without
any trouble and kiss him. "We'll have to track down the sequels sometime."
Merton nodded mutely, keeping his eyes glued to the screen as he willed an
image of Tommy leaning over to kiss him out of his mind. He couldn't start
fantasizing about Tommy while he was sitting right there on Merton's couch, not
if he wanted to get through the movie without humiliating himself. The idea
that Tommy planned on doing this again was enough to fuel his overactive
imagination for at least the rest of the weekend. He forced himself to focus on
the movie as Tommy began to laugh at the ridiculous plot, hoping the other boy
would attribute Merton's grin to the movie and not the thought of the next time
Tommy would show up on his doorstep.
***** Chapter 10 *****
Merton spent the entire weekend alternating between trying to convince himself
he was crazy and trying to keep the idiotic grin off his face. He knew better
than to think that Tommy was interested in him beyond someone to watch cheesy
horror movies with, but every time he thought about Friday night he started to
wonder all over again. Part of it was the way Tommy sat so close to him on the
couch, the casual way he'd touch Merton's shoulder or brush his leg against
Merton's. If it was just that he'd be able to talk himself out of believing
that there was something happening between them, but that was only the
beginning.
Part of it was their conversation, once they started talking about the movie he
realized that he could actually string words together and not sound like a
complete moron in front of Tommy. They had a lot more than just monster movies
in common, too; it turned out that Tommy was interested in Astronomy, and he
even seemed interested when Merton explained the basics of spell casting. Not
that he really knew anything about it, but he told Tommy about the web sites
he'd found and all the reading he'd done without getting even one weird look
from the other boy.
The best part had been that his entire family was out for the night, so he
didn't have to worry about his parents dropping in to say anything embarrassing
or his sister and her annoying friends trying to take over the family room. Of
course the night would have been even better if they'd taken advantage of the
fact that they had the whole house to themselves, but Merton wasn't sure if he
was brave enough to go there. It wasn't like he was completely inexperienced,
he'd messed around with two guys before if he counted that one time at summer
camp. So he knew how to make the first move, more or less, and if it was anyone
else he might not think twice about it.
All the signals were there, at least he was pretty sure they were. Tommy
definitely liked hanging out with him, they had a good time together and he
laughed at all of Merton's corny jokes. Still, the thought of kissing Tommy
Dawkins was a little too daunting, if it turned out Tommy was just being nice
to him or something Merton would never be able to show his face in school
again. If he lived to be humiliated by it, that is, because if he was reading
Tommy wrong he could very well end up as nothing more than a footnote in
Pleasantville history. They'd probably even rule it justifiable homicide, after
all he didn't have any business hitting on Pleasantville's Golden Boy.
Even the idea that Tommy could crush him with one hand if he was wrong didn't
temper his mood, though, because he had a sneaking suspicion that for once he
was reading the signals right. He thought he was right – he hoped he was – but
he wasn't sure enough to just go for it, not without some kind of clear sign
from Tommy. He didn't even mind waiting, though, because from the way Tommy
talked it was pretty clear that he wanted to keep hanging out with Merton. So
with any luck there would be other nights like Friday night, and maybe one of
these days he'd figure out what exactly Tommy wanted from him.
By Monday morning his euphoric mood had faded slightly, but even the prospect
of Tim and Travis coming back to school couldn't completely erase the giddy
feeling of knowing that Tommy Dawkins liked him. Of course if Tommy never gave
him the clear sign he was looking for it could prove to be a really frustrating
friendship, but he was willing to take the risk. He couldn't believe how
quickly his interest in Tommy had shifted from mere physical attraction to
actually having a good time just hanging out with him, but the more time he
spent with Tommy the more he liked the idea of being his friend. He never
dreamed that Tommy or even Lori would acknowledge his presence in the halls,
but now he was spending time with both of them and neither one of them seemed
to care what anyone else thought.
He caught himself grinning at the prospect of seeing Tommy again and rolled his
eyes, willing his emotions back under control before people started wondering
what he was up to. The last thing he needed was for anyone in his classes to
start getting suspicious, he wasn't interested in avoiding a bunch of questions
and he sure as hell wasn't going to tell anyone the truth. Even though Tommy
and Lori said hi to him in the halls he was still a little nervous about
actually calling them friends, at least to other people. They hadn't made any
effort to hang out with him at school, after all, and if he started going
around telling everyone they were friends now he might ruin everything. When
did my life become an after school special? he asked himself as he rounded a
corner in the direction of gym class.
Any answer to his question was forgotten as he ran smack into a solid chest,
barely registering the rush of fear that flooded him before a hand closed
around his arm and dragged him down the short hallway that led to the band
room. A moment later he found himself pressed against a wall, the lock from
someone's locker digging into his lower back and his feet barely touching the
ground. He focused on Tim and Travis as one of them held him against the
lockers and the other leaned in close to sneer at him. "Hey, Fagboy. Long time
no bleed."
Merton swallowed a groan as one of them pressed him even further into the metal
digging into his back, thankful that at least he'd had almost a month to heal
before they did any more damage. He knew from long experience that saying
anything would just make the beating worse, so he kept his mouth shut and
forced himself to keep eye contact with the one he assumed was Travis. He was
the one that usually administered the lion's share of the damage, Tim was more
or less just there to hold him still while Travis perfected what Merton assumed
would be his career someday. He was pretty sure that the only thing either one
of them would be good for was getting paid to rough people up, and it wasn't as
though there was any shortage of jobs that required that particular skill.
"Nothing to say, huh, freak? You got us kicked off the team for three weeks and
you aren't even gonna apo…appol…say you're sorry?"
Merton's first reflex was to laugh at the idea of apologizing to either one of
them; the last three weeks had been the most peaceful of his high school
career, even with Tommy making his head spin every time they ran into each
other. He definitely wasn't sorry for getting them suspended, not that it was
even his fault in the first place. Now definitely wasn't the time to stick to
his convictions that it was their fault they got suspended, though, because the
longer he stared back at Travis without answering the angrier the other boy
looked.
The hand holding his arm began to squeeze tighter as another hand closed around
his neck, reminding Merton that it didn't matter what he thought of the twins
at that moment. All that mattered was doing whatever he needed to do to live
through the next few minutes. "I'm sorry," he gasped around the pressure in his
throat.
"That's better," Travis said, a sickly sweet smile turning up the corners of
his mouth as he squeezed a little tighter around Merton's neck. "Don't think
you're off the hook, freak. You're not in school all the time, and we can't get
kicked off the team for kicking your ass off school grounds."
Merton tried to swallow but failed, he couldn't even answer if he wanted to
because his air supply was slowly being cut off. His heart beat fast against
his ribcage as he realized they weren't going to kill him in the hallway, at
least not intentionally. Not that he was looking forward to looking over his
shoulder every time he left school for the next few months, but at least they
weren't planning to kill him before football season ended. They let go of him
suddenly and he caught himself before he fell forward into Travis, gasping for
air as they laughed at him. His heart sank into his stomach when Travis moved
forward again, gripping the front of Merton's shirt and pushing him hard
against the lockers as he curled his other hand into a fist. "Don't forget,
faggot. You owe us."
"Guys."
The familiar voice stopped Travis' fist before it connected with its mark, and
Merton closed his eyes and stifled yet another groan. Part of him wished Tommy
hadn't happened upon them when he did, he could stand one punch from the twins
if it meant he didn't have to get rescued again. The idea of Tommy seeing him
helpless and shaken up again was enough to finally kill his good mood,
something even a run-in with T'n'T hadn't been able to accomplish completely.
Travis scowled and let go of his shirt, turning toward Tommy as Merton sagged
against the lockers behind him. "Dawkins, what do you want now?"
"I want to win the game this weekend and make the State Finals," Tommy said,
his gaze fixed squarely on his teammates as he ignored their victim. Merton
wasn't sure whether to be relieved or disappointed that Tommy was ignoring him,
but the pulsing bruises already forming in his neck made him almost glad the
other boy hadn't looked at him yet. "Come on, guys, is it really worth getting
kicked off the team when you just got back to school?"
Travis glanced back over his shoulder at Merton, a predatory gleam in his eye
as he looked the smaller boy up and down. "Think anybody would really notice if
he just disappeared?"
Tim and Travis both laughed at that thought, but if Merton didn't know better
he'd swear he saw Tommy flinch. "All I know is we don't stand a chance of
winning the championship without the whole team on the field," Tommy answered,
his jaw clenched as he continued to avoid looking at Merton. "That's all I care
about."
It was the way he said it that made Merton cringe, and he was immediately
thankful that none of them were looking at him. In less than a minute all the
hopes he'd built up over the weekend dissolved, and he found himself wondering
if he'd just hallucinated his budding friendship with Tommy. He didn't think he
was going crazy, but maybe spending so much time telling himself that he liked
spending most of his time alone was starting to get to him. He swallowed hard
against the tightness in his chest and told himself he wasn't going to lose it
and start crying or something, not in front of those guys.
"Alright, alright, we won't kill him. Not until after Finals," Travis conceded
with a heavy sigh, his shoulders falling a little as Tommy glared at him. If
Merton wasn't so confused about the way Tommy was acting he'd probably be
fascinated by the power the captain of the team yielded over his teammates, but
as it was it was all he could do not to take off at a sprint and find some
place to lick his wounds in peace. He focused his attention on the throbbing in
his neck so he wouldn't have to think about the ache in his chest, but he
couldn't quite bring himself to tear his gaze away from Tommy's profile.
Tommy rolled his eyes and grabbed hold of each of their shoulders, shoving them
forward down the hallway just as the last bell rang. "Just come on before
somebody sees you and you get benched or kicked out again."
As he watched them go Merton finally let out the breath he'd been holding, his
hand coming up to finger his fresh bruises as he stared at Tommy's back. He
couldn't move, he couldn't even bring himself to care that he was late for gym.
All he could think was that Tommy had acted like he didn't even know him, like
he was just another faceless victim that could cost him the championship.
He was still watching the three of them walk away when suddenly Tommy stopped
and looked over his shoulder, catching Merton's eye for a split second before
he turned away again and disappeared around the corner. His breath caught in
his throat and he felt his knees start to give out, but he steeled himself
against the rush of confusion and misery and somehow managed to stay upright.
He had no idea what that split second of recognition was about, whether it was
Tommy's way of acknowledging him or if he was just making sure Merton hadn't
passed out or anything. He felt as though he might, his head was swimming and
his legs were more unsteady than they had been when Tim had him dangling from a
death grip against the lockers.
Less than four minutes, that's how long it had taken for the fantasy he'd
started to build around Tommy to come crashing right back down. The worst part
wasn't the bruises on his neck that he was guessing looked suspiciously like a
handprint, it wasn't the fact that Travis had looked almost gleeful at the
suggestion of making Merton just disappear. The worst part was that Tommy
couldn't care less who Tim and Travis brutalized, as long as they were
available to play in the State Finals. He realized for the first time how long
Tommy had let his friends terrorize everyone at school that wasn't strong
enough or popular enough to escape their disdain, and he couldn't help
wondering if Tommy could have stopped them or if he just didn't care enough to
bother.
Slowly he pushed himself off the lockers he was still leaning against and made
his way down the hall toward gym class, his hand still covering his latest set
of bruises. He looked down at his Cure T-shirt and wished that he'd at least
worn something with a collar, but unless he went to the nurse and managed to
fake a believable illness he was just going to have to deal with the fact that
everyone would be able to see the bruises by the end of the day.
~
Gym class was pure, unadulterated misery, and by the time the bell rang Merton
was convinced he wasn't going to live through another minute of basketball. It
was stupid that they forced team sports on the hopelessly uncoordinated, but at
least while they were playing no one paid attention to the fact that the oddly
hand-shaped red mark on his neck was quickly turning black and blue. He took
his time going back to the locker room, waiting until most of the other guys
were done showering before he stepped into the warm stream of water and quickly
rinsed off. Normally he was careful not to get his hair wet, the amount of hair
styling products required to actually spike it definitely didn't lend
themselves to getting damp.
After spending the past hour obsessing about Tommy and what happened outside
the band room he couldn't make himself care about his hair, though, and part of
him kind of hoped that if it looked ridiculous people would focus on that and
not the bruises on his neck. When he finally got dressed again and made his way
out of the locker room his lunch period was already in full swing, so he braced
himself for the strange looks that would no doubt be directed his way and
walked into the cafeteria.
He forced himself not to look over at the table where the jocks always sat, he
knew Tommy was probably there but he didn't want to run the risk of actually
making eye contact with him. Watching Tommy ignore him – or even worse, pity
him – was more than he could deal with, so he got his lunch and made his way
over to the table where the honors students sat without looking around any more
than he had to. He mumbled a greeting as he took a seat at the end of the
table, ignoring his friends until they stopped staring at him and went back to
the conversation they'd been engaged in when he showed up.
Thankfully none of them bothered to ask what happened to his neck, but judging
from the way the marks were forming when he looked at them in the locker room
mirror he assumed they could guess without asking. It wasn't like everybody
didn't know that Tim and Travis were gunning for him anyway, in fact most of
the kids in school were probably just grateful that he'd pissed them off enough
to make them forget about pounding everyone else for awhile. Still, being the
only target of the two biggest guys at Pleasantville High was a distinction he
could live without, and he wasn't sure how much more he could take.
"Merton, are you…oh wow, that looks bad." He looked up as someone slid onto the
bench next to him, wincing as he recognized Lori's voice. She took hold of his
chin and turned his face toward her, her features twisted into an angry scowl
as she examined the bruises. "You'd think they could have waited at least a
couple days to start being complete assholes again."
He laughed in spite of the fact that she was still examining his injuries, his
whole body tense as he tried not to think about the fact that the entire
cafeteria was probably watching them. Finally he pulled out of her grip and
reached up to cover the mark with his own hand, careful not to put too much
pressure on his skin. "It's not as bad as it looks."
"Please, you may be able to fool your parents with that line but I was on the
kickboxing team at my old school. I know how much that hurts."
"Really, it's not that bad," he insisted, his face flushing as he looked back
up at her and saw that she wasn't buying it. Part of him was almost grateful
that she was checking up on him, but the rest of him was preoccupied with the
fact that everyone had to be wondering why Lori Baxter cared whether or not he
was okay. "Wait…how did you even know what happened?"
"Tommy's in my History class," she answered, her dismissive tone telling him
that she wasn't interested in answering stupid questions. "He told me he had to
pull them off you right before class. He thought you were okay but he wasn't
sure."
For a second Merton forgot to breathe, and it took everything in him not to
turn and search the crowded cafeteria for Tommy. He wondered if the other boy
was watching the exchange, if he'd sent Lori over to check up on him because
Tommy didn't want to risk doing it himself. The logical part of his brain kept
trying to convince him that Tommy couldn't check up on him right in front of
the whole school, that even if he wanted to it would just make things with Tim
and Travis even worse. If they thought something was going on between him and
Tommy…he shut the thought down as quickly as it surfaced, clenching his jaw and
ignoring the throbbing in his neck.
Nothing was going on between him and Tommy and nothing ever would, no matter
how far he let his imagination run away from him. Even if something was
building between them on Friday night it was ruined now, reality had to come
crashing back down around them eventually and it definitely didn't waste any
time. He sighed and let his eyes fall closed, suddenly aware of how tired he
was.
"Merton? Are you sure you're okay? Maybe you should go see the nurse," Lori
said, a nervous edge creeping into her voice as she watched his shoulders fall.
"No," he answered automatically, forcing his eyes back open. He glanced over at
her and managed a weary and completely unconvincing smile. "I'm alright, just
kinda tired. Anyway it's just a bruise, the nurse can't do anything."
She opened her mouth as though she was about to argue with him, then thought
better of it and stood up. "If you say so. So I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Yeah, see you then," he muttered as she walked away from the table, focusing
all his energy on not turning and watching her walk back over to Tommy. He
couldn't look at the two of them, he didn't want to see Lori give Tommy her
report and he didn't want to wonder whether Tommy was more worried about him or
the future of the football team. He hated thinking that there might be an
ulterior motive for Tommy's interest in him, but considering the circumstances
he couldn't really blame himself.
The sound of a throat clearing next to him jolted him out of his private
misery, and for one irrational second he hoped that Tommy really had come over
to see for himself that Merton wasn't dying. When he looked up he stifled a
groan as he found himself facing six pairs of eyes, ignoring the wave of
disappointment that it was just his classmates and not Tommy. "What was that
all about?" Paul asked, one eyebrow raised suspiciously as everyone at the
table watched Merton flush.
"What?"
"Lori Baxter coming over here to talk to you, that's what," Paul said, his tone
just condescending enough to make Merton bristle.
He rolled his eyes and looked back down at his lunch, wishing not for the first
time that the concept behind The Invisible Man was a solid scientific theory
and not just a science fiction film. "Nothing, I'm tutoring her in Chemistry."
"Right, so she just had to rush over here and make sure her Chemistry tutor was
still in one piece. There's not something going on between you and Tommy
Dawkins' girlfriend, is there?"
A sarcastic laugh make Merton flush an even deeper shade of red, and he looked
a little further down the table to find Alistair smirking at him. "Like that
could happen," the blonde sneered.
Merton's grip on his fork tightened reflexively as he held Alistair's gaze,
blood pounding too hard in his veins and making his neck throb uncomfortably.
This was the last thing he needed, every single person at the table had been
the target of Tim and Travis' unwanted attention at some point and now they
were hassling him about it. At least Lori had the decency to ask if he was
okay, that was more than he could say for any of his so-called friends. "Look,
there's nothing going on. She's just a nice person, is that so hard to
imagine?"
"Considering the company she keeps, yeah," Paul said. "Look, Merton, no offense
or anything, but they're them and you're…well, you. I mean they've never cared
what the twins do to any of us."
"Whatever." Merton stood up and grabbed his tray, carefully avoiding eye
contact with everyone at the table as he backed away. "Just because you hate
them doesn't mean they're all worthless, you know."
He turned and walked away before any of them had a chance to answer, his pulse
racing as he tried to figure out what he thought he'd accomplish by defending
Lori to his friends. It had always bothered him that the kids in the honors
classes looked down on everyone else but still complained whenever the popular
kids treated them like they were losers. He knew it was just the way the world
worked and he was going to have to get used to it eventually, but he wasn't
going to sit there and listen to them talk about Lori that way. Not that she'd
probably care, and she could most likely kick all their asses just for looking
at her sideways. The real problem was that if he stayed and listened to them
dissect his relationship with Lori, sooner or later they'd find a way to bring
Tommy into it. He wasn't sure he could sit there and pretend that he didn't
care one way or the other what Tommy did, and if any of them figured out that
there was something going on between him and Tommy Dawkins the twins would be
the least of his problems.
***** Chapter 11 *****
No matter how hard he tried to ignore it Merton couldn't help noticing the way
Lori kept looking at his neck, or the way she winced in sympathy every time she
caught a glimpse of his bruises. He knew he should be used to it; nobody had
actually looked him in the eye since Monday afternoon because they were too
busy staring at the strange hand-shaped mark still visible on his pale skin. It
was starting to turn yellow around the edges, but it was still the first thing
everyone looked at whenever he forgot to cover it. He shifted on the couch and
tugged his collar up self-consciously, glancing over at the lab report Lori was
supposed to be filling out.
"Sorry," she said as soon as he covered up the bruise again. He looked up to
find her smiling apologetically, and he smiled back in spite of himself.
"Don't worry about it." He fingered the bruise absently, forgetting their
Chemistry for a minute as he realized she meant it. "It is pretty weird, I mean
you'd think it would stop looking so much like a hand print after four days."
Her smile faded as she watched him cover the mark with his own hand. "Those
bastards should have gotten expelled the first time. They're like twenty years
old by now anyway, aren't they? I mean they've been held back a million times."
Merton laughed and pulled his hand away from his neck, shaking his head as he
listened to her exaggeration. "I think they'll be nineteen year, so they've
stayed back maybe once or twice. But yeah, they're definitely a lot bigger than
everybody else in school."
"I still say they shouldn't have been able to come back at all." She sighed as
she watched Merton's eyes cloud for a moment, and he realized he must not be
doing as good a job at keeping his emotions in check as he'd hoped. "I can't
believe they started right back up again on their first day back, but I don't
think they'll do anything else until after winter break. After that football
season's over so I don't know, but they have to keep their noses clean until
after the State Championship. I don't know if Tommy'll be able to do anything
after that, but hopefully they'll listen to him."
Merton flushed at the thought of Tommy having to intervene for him over and
over; not only was it embarrassing but it would never work. If Tim and Travis
wanted to teach him a lesson they'd find a way and there was nothing Tommy
could do to stop it, the only way to be sure it wouldn't happen again would be
to leave school. "It's not his problem," he said quietly, looking back down at
his Chemistry notes so he wouldn't have to see her reaction.
"He feels really bad about what happened, you know." Something about her tone
of voice made his heart skip a beat and he looked up, hating the fact that
she'd be able to tell exactly what he was thinking just by looking at him. He
didn't want Lori to know how he felt, he didn't want anybody to know. He was
starting to think that he was just fooling himself that he could keep his
feelings to himself, maybe the whole school already knew and the joke was on
him. He sighed and ran a hand over his face, wishing for the first time that he
hadn't been assigned to Lori when Mr. Clark handed out the tutoring
assignments.
"There's no reason for Tommy to feel bad about anything," he said. "He got them
to back off and he didn't have to. They're his friends, I know he put himself
in a bad situation when he stopped them the first time."
The look on Lori's face as he finished speaking let him know he'd said
something wrong, but he wasn't sure what it was until she let out a frustrated
sigh and leaned forward. "Those guys aren't Tommy's friends. You think I'd hang
out with somebody that actually liked guys like that? They're on the team so he
has to put up with them, being captain makes him responsible for the whole
team. Once football season's over they won't listen to him any more than they
listen to anybody else. Tommy stopped them because they're a couple of bullies
and somebody has to. You think you're the first guy he's ever pulled them off?"
Merton's eyebrows shot up as he listened to her lecture him, his cheeks burning
as she called him on all his assumptions about Tommy. Until Monday he'd never
even given any thought to whether or not Tommy had intervened between T'n'T and
any of their other victims, just assuming that he'd taken a special interest in
Merton for some reason. "Well if he's always saving other kids from them then
why…" He paused as he realized what he'd been about to ask, his blush returning
as he shook his head. "Forget it."
"Look, Merton…" She trailed off and tilted her head to the side as though she
was trying to decide what to tell him. Finally she shook her head and sat back,
and he watched as she forced herself to calm down enough to continue. "Just do
me a favor and stay out of their way. I need you around to pass Chemistry so I
can graduate, and if you're in traction you're no good to me."
He laughed as she smirked at him, but his amusement was tempered by the fact
that he could very well end up back in the hospital if he wasn't careful. "I'll
do my best not to get killed before you graduate."
"At least do yourself a favor and make it until winter break," she teased. "I
mean it'd be a shame if you got halfway through senior year and didn't even get
to enjoy your vacation."
"Some vacation," he said, relaxing visibly as the conversation shifted away
from Tommy. "I'll probably spend most of it doing extra credit at my dad's
lab."
She smiled almost knowingly and picked up her lab report again, tapping her
pencil against it as she spoke. "Hey, even that sounds better than my vacation.
My parents make me go with them to Switzerland for the whole three weeks."
"Oh, yeah, you're right. Sounds like torture."
"Aw, Merton, I think you almost made a joke," she said, grinning as he shook
his head at her. "I know it sounds exciting but trust me, three weeks at a ski
lodge with your parents and a bunch of strangers isn't always that fun. If
there are any kids there my age that actually speak English it's okay, but I'd
still rather hang out with my friends."
He smiled wistfully at the thought of spending winter break hanging out with
friends instead of doing extra credit; in grammar school and junior high he'd
looked forward to school breaks for the same reason. Once he got to high school
and stopped hanging out with his friends, though, the only reason he looked
forward to breaks from school was because it meant he didn't have to deal with
the other kids for awhile.
Since his sophomore year school breaks had pretty much been spent in his
father's lab doing extra credit work or surfing the internet alone in his room,
neither of which sounded really appealing anymore. Not that he expected this
break to be any different, it wasn't like his life had suddenly changed. He
hadn't really thought about the possibility of seeing Tommy over break, but
suddenly the reality of three weeks without even seeing him hit Merton full
force.
"Hey, you okay?" Lori asked, and he looked up again to find her frowning
thoughtfully at him.
"Yeah, just thinking about break," he said, ignoring the suspicious look in her
eyes. "Wouldn't your parents let you bring somebody with you? You know, if you
brought Tommy you'd have somebody to hang out with." He blushed as he listened
to himself voice a question he didn't even know he'd been thinking, but it
wasn't like he could take it back now. He hadn't intended to come up with a
plan to ensure that he wouldn't see Tommy over break, but Lori's parents could
afford it so it seemed natural that she'd take someone with her on vacation.
"Somehow I can't see Tommy skiing," Lori answered, her lips turned up into a
mischievous grin. "Although I have a feeling he'd be really popular in Europe.
But even if he wanted to go, which I doubt, his dad would never go for it. Let
alone my parents, they don't exactly love him."
He ignored the nagging curiosity about why exactly Lori thought Tommy would be
a big hit in European circles, fairly sure he didn't really want to know the
answer. It didn't make any sense to him that Lori's parents didn't like him
just because he went to public school, his parents had never said a bad thing
about anyone he brought home. They even liked Tommy after only meeting him a
couple times. "His parents are pretty strict, huh?"
"You have no idea." Lori rolled her eyes and let out a dramatic sigh at the
mention of Tommy's parents, making Merton wonder what could possibly be so bad
in Tommy's perfect life. "He's got a brother, right, the one with the movie?
Well Dean was just like Tommy in high school, big man on campus and all that.
So he got a football scholarship to University of Florida, everybody figured
he'd get drafted into the NFL right out of college."
"His parents let him go that far away for college? But Tommy said…"
"Yeah, well, everything changed when Dean got kicked out," she interrupted him.
"First he got busted for possession and they kicked him off the team, so he
lost his scholarship. Tommy's parents haven't got any money so that was bad
enough, but once Dean got kicked off the team his professors wouldn't just let
him slide anymore. He didn't even last a year, and now all he does is hang
around his parents' house and smoke pot."
"So Tommy has to stay here and go to school because his brother screwed up?"
"Pretty much. For one thing his parents don't have the money to send him away,
and even if he got a scholarship they don't trust him not to do the same thing
Dean did. His father's pretty strict, he's got Tommy's whole life mapped out
for him."
Merton shook his head absently, trying and failing to imagine his parents ever
trying to plan his life for him. There were times when they made him crazy
trying to be supportive, but for the most part they just let him do his thing.
They didn't even raise an eyebrow when he threw out all his sweaters and
science fair T-shirts and started dressing in black. He'd always taken for
granted that that was just the way parents were, but he was starting to realize
that it didn't always work that way.
"Look, don't mention any of that stuff to Tommy, okay?" Lori said, cutting into
his reverie. "I mean he doesn't talk about it that much, half of what I know he
didn't even tell me. I think he's embarrassed about his brother or something."
"No, of course, I wouldn't say anything," Merton assured her. He cleared his
throat and reached for his backpack, closing his Chemistry book as he realized
for the first time how late it was getting. "Do you want me to look over your
lab report before I leave?"
"Definitely," she said, thrusting it toward him with a frustrated sigh. "I'm
pretty sure I totally blew this experiment. You tell me."
He shook his head as he took the lab report, grinning at her over the top of
the page as he scanned the data. "You know as well as I do you don't even need
a tutor. The only reason I keep coming over here is because it looks good on my
college applications."
"I thought you already sent in all your college applications," Lori said,
raising one eyebrow as he looked up at her again.
"I did, I meant the summer program I'm trying to get into. It's this research
thing in Washington D.C."
"Are you ever going to have any fun? I mean are you at least gonna pencil in a
vacation between undergrad and grad school?"
Merton grinned again and reached for her pencil, making a few notes in the
margins of her lab report as he spoke. "Science can be fun," he said, ignoring
her snort of disbelief. "Well it can. But I have other kinds of fun, it's just
that the beginning of college is a really critical time. That's when you set
the tone for the rest of your education."
"Spoken like someone that grew up around teachers," she teased, grinning at the
look he shot her. "Come on, Merton, you're young. Live a little."
He smiled self-consciously and looked back down at the lab report, occupying
himself with correcting her data so he wouldn't have to see the hint of pity
behind her mischievous grin. "Now you sound like my mom."
"Yeah, Tommy said your mom was really cool."
Somehow Merton managed not to look up, but he was pretty sure he hadn't quite
managed to suppress his shocked expression. He knew Tommy had met his mother at
least once, but he didn't realize that they'd talked enough for Tommy to
categorize her as 'cool'. Never mind the fact that Tommy and Lori had actually
talked about his parents, there was no telling what else they'd been talking
about. "She's okay," he finally said.
The doorbell rang before she had a chance to respond, and she stood up abruptly
and began backing toward the stairs. "Be right back," she called over her
shoulder as she disappeared in the direction of the door.
Merton made a few more notes in the margins of Lori's lab report before he set
the pencil back down, not bothering to look up when he heard footsteps
descending the stairs. "Most of this is right," he said, flipping to the second
page of the report to double-check his notes. "There are just a couple
equations you need to rework and then it's ready to hand in."
"Thanks, but I'm not taking Chemistry."
As soon as the familiar voice sounded in the room Merton tensed, willing the
color in his cheeks to fade as he slowly turned to look up at Tommy. "Sorry, I
thought you were Lori."
"Yeah, I figured. She went upstairs to get something." Tommy took a few steps
toward the couch and then stopped, and Merton couldn't help watching the way he
caught his lower lip between his teeth almost nervously. He knew he shouldn't
be staring, but he hadn't seen Tommy since Monday and he wasn't prepared to run
into him after spending the afternoon talking to Lori about pretty much nothing
but Tommy. The heat in his face began to creep to other parts of his body as
Tommy's lips parted slightly, and before Merton had a chance to react Tommy was
sitting down next to him.
"Listen, Merton, I wanted to talk to you but I haven't gotten a chance," he
said, turning toward the smaller boy so their knees were pressed together.
Tommy's hands were in his lap, his fingers entwined and twisting nervously, and
it was all Merton could do not to reach out and cover them with his own just to
stop Tommy from fidgeting. Not that he was any less nervous than Tommy seemed
to be, in fact watching Tommy fidget was just making him more anxious. He knew
what he hoped Tommy meant when he said he wanted to talk, but it couldn't be
that. "I'm sorry about what happened with T'n'T, I should have stopped them
earlier."
Merton stifled a disappointed sigh and told himself that he'd known what Tommy
was going to say, no matter how much he wished they didn't have to have this
conversation. "They're not your problem, Tommy. And anyway it wasn't that bad."
Before Merton realized what was happening Tommy moved impossibly closer, and he
held his breath as the other boy reached out and turned Merton's face toward
him. He forgot to be self-conscious about his bruise as Tommy pushed his collar
aside, watching as something like sorrow flickered in Tommy's eyes at the sight
of the mark. He wasn't prepared for the sensation of fingers ghosting across
his skin; Tommy had touched him before but this felt different somehow, almost
intimate. Tiny shocks of almost pleasure and not quite pain ran down his neck
as Tommy's fingertips connected with the center of the bruise, and he had to
focus all his energy on just keeping his eyes open.
A moment later Tommy pulled his hand away and shifted away from Merton on the
couch, but his gaze was still locked with the smaller boy's. "You should have
told somebody. Hell, I should have told somebody."
"I'm not a snitch," Merton said, stopping just short of actually rolling his
eyes at himself for sounding like the nameless victim in some bad teen movie.
"And anyway if I did they'd just get worse. If I get them kicked off the team
they'll kill me for sure, it was bad enough when I was just another one of
their victims. Now that it's personal I don't want to do anything to make it
worse."
Tommy sighed and looked down at his hands, slowly turning them over in his lap
as though he was seeing them for the first time. When he looked back up at
Merton his expression was a mixture of confusion and pure misery, and Merton
felt a tug at his heart that he wasn't sure he'd be able to ignore much longer.
"That's my fault too."
"Look, it's nobody's fault, okay? It's just the way it is," Merton practically
snapped, wincing as his words came out more harshly than he'd planned. Getting
rescued by Tommy was bad enough, he didn't really need to relive it every time
they saw each other.
"Yeah, okay," Tommy said, his features softening as he met Merton's gaze again.
For a moment neither of them said anything, and Merton was starting to
seriously consider just leaving and calling Lori about her lab report later
when Tommy leaned back against the couch cushions and stretched his legs out in
front of him. "So do you wanna hang out tomorrow night?"
Well that's one way to change the subject, Merton thought as he watched Tommy
tap out a rhythm on his thigh with the fingers of one hand. This was all too
much –
Tommy stretched out less than arm's length away from him, his hair curling in
tiny wisps around his temples, and one hand rhythmically moving against his
thigh as he waited for Merton to answer him. Even if he wanted to say no there
was no way he could, when it came to Tommy he wasn't even sure if the word was
in his vocabulary anymore. "Yeah…um, what about Lori?" he finally asked,
swallowing hard as he somehow managed to tear his gaze away from the hand on
Tommy's thigh.
"What about her?"
If he'd been able to think coherently Merton might have resented the fact that
Tommy was just sitting there, calmly teasing him like it was the most natural
thing in the world. Maybe later when he was alone in the safety of his bedroom
he'd remember to be embarrassed or even angry, but at the moment all he could
do was concentrate on not touching the other boy. It didn't matter that Tommy
had touched him on several occasions, it didn't even matter that a few minutes
ago he'd had his hand on Merton's neck and that they'd been close enough to
kiss. Maybe Tommy could touch him and think nothing of it, keep it as innocent
as he wanted to. Merton, on the other hand, didn't have anywhere near that kind
of self-control.
"Don't…don't you guys usually…you know, weren't you gonna hang out with her?"
The last part came out in a rush of breath, and as soon as he finished speaking
he snapped his jaw shut and looked away.
"Nah, she usually hangs out with the girls from her old school on the weekend.
Some of the girls from the kickboxing team or something. Anyway her idea of
entertainment and mine don't exactly mesh." He stopped talking and grinned at
some private joke, ignoring Merton's raised eyebrow as he shook his head to
chase away whatever thought had distracted him. "So how do you feel about
Children of the Corn?"
"I heard there was a new one out," Merton answered, his mouth on automatic
pilot. He found himself thankful for the first time in his life that he could
talk about horror movies without even thinking about it, because his mind was
still busy trying to figure out what had made Tommy stop and laugh in the
middle of his explanation about Lori. "Have you seen the first five?"
"Five?" An amused laugh escaped Tommy's throat as he held Merton's gaze. "Man,
I might have seen three of them. Think four and five are required viewing
before I watch six?"
Merton mirrored Tommy's grin and shook his head, relaxing for the first time
since the other boy first walked into the room. "I doubt it, it's not like
they're exactly quality. The first one, yeah, but it kind of goes downhill
after that."
"Cool." As soon as he said it Tommy's grin began to fade and he shifted a
little closer to Merton, his arm stretched out across the back of the couch. He
leaned forward slightly, just enough to make Merton's breath catch in his
throat. Some of the nervous tension that had disappeared during the course of
their conversation crept back into his eyes, and he glanced down at the space
between them for a moment before continuing. "So tomorrow night?"
"Yeah…um…yeah," Merton stammered, his cheeks blazing as he listened to himself
stumble over a single syllable. It was stupid to be so nervous about hanging
out with Tommy, it wasn't like it was the first time. The fact that this made
two Fridays in a row that he had Tommy all to himself made him more than a
little anxious, though, and he didn't want to start reading something into it
before he had a good reason. He looked away and willed himself to calm down
enough to at least sound like he wasn't losing it, but before he had a chance
to say anything else Lori reappeared at the bottom of the stairs.
"Sorry it took so long, the housekeeper was here this morning. I can't find
anything when my room's clean."
"Poor baby." Tommy rolled his eyes and stood up to take the CD she held out,
all the nervousness and regret gone from his expression in an instant. Merton
was pretty sure he hadn't imagined it, but he was starting to wonder if he
could trust his own perceptions anymore. "I gotta get home before my parents
have a cow. See you guys tomorrow."
Lori waved absently in his direction and sat back down on the couch, picking up
the lab report and reading the notes Merton had made in the margins. He ignored
her frustrated groan as he watched Tommy back toward the stairs, not even aware
that he was staring until Tommy grinned and turned away from him. As soon as
Tommy was gone he took a deep breath and forced himself to turn back to Lori
and her Chemistry homework, although he was fairly sure he wouldn't be able to
concentrate on much of anything besides Friday night.
***** Chapter 12 *****
The pile of rejected shirts on Merton's bed was steadily growing, and still he
was standing in the center of his room wearing nothing but a pair of black
jeans and a scowl. He'd been through practically everything he owned, but
nothing looked right or felt right and he was starting to wonder if it was too
late to call Tommy and tell him not to come over. He'd gone back and forth all
day long between backing out of what was starting to feel more and more like a
date, and he'd gotten to the point where he couldn't focus on anything else.
Everything his teachers had said at school that day had fallen on deaf ears,
because all he could think about was the fact that Tommy was going to be in his
house tonight. Again.
Which was exactly why he shouldn't be nervous, because it wasn't like it was
the first time they'd done this. Just a week ago they'd sat in the family room
and watched a movie without anything happening, tonight was no different. It
was just two guys hanging out and watching a lame horror movie, it definitely
wasn't a date. It wasn't, so there was no reason to be so worried about what he
looked like. Tommy probably wouldn't even notice he was wearing clothes, let
alone care what they looked like.
He let out a frustrated sigh and reached into the pile of shirts on his bed,
pulling out a dark maroon button-down and frowning at it. When he'd started
actually thinking about his style instead of just throwing on the cleanest
thing he could find every morning he'd carefully handpicked his new wardrobe,
and at the time this particular shirt had been one of his favorites. It was as
close to blood red as he'd been able to find, and it added just enough color to
dress up his usual black pants and jacket. For some reason even his favorite
shirt just wasn't good enough tonight, though, and he gave up on finding
something that he'd actually feel comfortable in.
Most of his nervousness he could attribute to the way Tommy had touched the
bruises on his neck the day before, not to mention the look in the other boy's
eyes when he'd blamed himself for Merton getting hurt again. Granted it was
sweet of Tommy to take such a personal interest in his welfare, but he was
trying not to let his imagination run away with that idea. Still, Tommy had
touched him more than once now, and not just the friendly pats on the back that
most guys shared. This was actual touching, first on the back of his neck and
then on the side where Travis' handprint was still healing. So either he had
some weird neck fetish or he was trying to send some kind of signal.
Merton was tempted to go with the fetish theory, because entertaining the
possibility that Tommy was sending him signals was a little too dangerous for
his comfort. He knew he was going to spend the whole evening watching Tommy
more than the actual movie, trying to figure out if the other boy was trying to
tell him something with every move. Either way it was bound to be a frustrating
evening, and he was fairly sure it wasn't going to end the way he secretly
hoped it would. He just had to find a way to get his mind off the hope that
something was going to happen between them; he figured he had a couple hours
before Tommy showed up, that should be plenty of time to convince himself that
they were just going to be friends.
He buttoned his shirt and took one last look in the mirror on his bedroom door,
shaking his head as he ran his fingers through his hair and worked a few unruly
spikes back into place. He was still trying to decide whether or not he should
change again when the doorbell rang, and his heart skipped a beat and then
started pounding way too hard. It couldn't be Tommy already, his mom hadn't
even put dinner on the table yet. Tommy never came over this early, as far as
Merton knew he had football practice until 5:30 or so. He told himself to stop
making more out of Tommy coming over than it really was and pulled his bedroom
door open, taking a deep breath as he made his way down the hall in the
direction of the kitchen.
When he reached the kitchen he froze in the doorway, his eyes wide as he took
in the sight of Tommy leaning against the counter carrying on what looked like
an animated conversation with his mother. "Oh, there you are, hon. I was just
about to send Tommy back to find you," she said, smiling brightly as he took a
few steps into the room.
He nodded mutely as she turned back to the stove, forcing himself to look over
at Tommy as the taller boy pushed himself off the counter. "Hey," he said, the
same nervous edge he'd had the night before creeping into his voice. "I wasn't
doing anything so I figured…"
"It's okay," Merton interrupted. He knew his face was probably flushed and his
eyes were wide, but he couldn't quite manage to rein in his emotions. Part of
him was dying to ask why Tommy had showed up at his house before dinner time,
he wanted to believe that Tommy just hadn't been able to wait but he knew that
was stupid. More likely he just hadn't felt like going all the way home after
football practice. "Mom, it's okay, right?"
"Of course it is," she answered, glancing over her shoulder and raising an
eyebrow as she took in her son's flushed appearance. "Dinner's almost ready,
you boys go wash up."
Merton nodded and turned away from his mother, using every bit of self-control
he could summon not to turn back and stare at Tommy. It was one thing to know
he was going to come over later to spend a couple hours watching a movie and
then go home again, but to actually have dinner with his family was totally
different. For one thing, after spending half an hour listening to his parents
talk about work Tommy wouldn't think they were so cool anymore. Not to mention
the field day Becky was going to have with this turn of events on Monday at
school.
He stifled a sigh and led Tommy into his bedroom, remembering too late that
most of the contents of his wardrobe were still in a pile on his bed. "I…uh…I
was cleaning my closet," he explained, his cheeks burning as Tommy nodded and
turned back to him.
"Sorry, I probably shouldn't have just showed up so early, I didn't know people
still did that whole 'sitting down at the table and eating together' thing. You
sure your mom's cool with me being here?"
"She doesn't care," Merton said. "Becky's friends are always here for dinner,
it's no problem. I thought you'd still be at football practice, though."
Tommy shook his head and pushed a corner of the pile of shirts over far enough
to sit on the edge of the mattress, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his
knees as he stared up at Merton. "Coach canceled at the last minute so we just
ran some laps and then went home. To tell you the truth I don't really mind the
break. It gets a little old running scrimmages every day. Not that I don't like
football, but after awhile you just start to wonder what the point is, you
know?"
Merton swallowed convulsively at the doleful look in Tommy's eyes, his
imagination betraying him yet again as he imagined what the boy sitting on his
bed would look like stretched out and in far less clothes. He shook his head to
chase the image away, thankful he'd had the forethought to wear loose jeans so
he wouldn't have to spend the whole night worrying that Tommy was going to
notice the effect he had on Merton. "Yeah, I guess anything would get old if
you did it every day."
The grin that lit up Tommy's features sent a fresh jolt of desire through
Merton's extremities, and he wished he'd had the forethought to sit down so his
knees wouldn't give out on him. Wanting Tommy Dawkins was one thing; in a way
it wasn't any different than having a crush on a singer or a movie star. Both
were completely unattainable, so it was pretty much harmless as long as he kept
it to himself. But to stand in his room while Tommy made small talk about his
private dissatisfactions with his life…Merton wasn't sure anymore if he could
handle knowing Tommy as a person.
"I don't know, I always figured once you figured out what you really wanted to
do with your life you wouldn't get sick of doing it. I mean I used to love
football, it was fun until I made the Varsity team. Then my dad just got
obsessed, you know? Like I'm gonna get drafted into the NFL straight out of
high school or something."
Merton bit his lip as he watched Tommy look down at his carpet, reminding
himself not to say anything about Tommy's family that he wasn't supposed to
know. He didn't want Tommy to be mad at Lori because of him, but more
importantly he didn't want to embarrass the other boy to the point that he
decided he didn't really want to stay for dinner after all. Even the thought of
having Tommy at the dinner table across from his parents was strangely
appealing; nerve-wracking, definitely, but at the same time it made whatever
was going on between them feel more like a friendship.
Before he could talk himself out of it he crossed to his bed, holding his
breath as he sank down onto the edge of the mattress next to Tommy. He had no
idea what to say, it wasn't like he was experienced at offering people comfort.
He couldn't really relate, either, because his own parents would never pressure
him to do something just because they thought it sounded like a good career. It
was hard for him to even imagine what Tommy's family must be like, but judging
from the little Lori had told him he wasn't sure he wanted to know. "So no
professional football career?" he finally asked.
When Tommy looked up again he was smiling, but there was a sort of sadness in
his eyes that made Merton wonder suddenly just how determined his father was
that he focus on his football career. "Like I said, I like football. I just
don't like it as much as my dad does. It's like he gets so obsessed he can't
even think straight – today when I got home early and told him practice was
canceled he started riding me about how I'm the captain and we could've run
scrimmages without the coach. Finally I just left so I wouldn't have to listen
to him anymore."
Merton tried to ignore how close they were, telling himself that Tommy was
having problems at home and the last thing he needed right now was to worry
about Merton's inability to control his hormones. He shouldn't have sat down so
close to Tommy, he shouldn't be pressing his shoulder against the other boy's
and he definitely shouldn't be thinking about what it would be like just to
lean in and kiss him. Tommy wasn't even there because he wanted to see Merton,
not really. He'd just admitted that the only reason he showed up early was to
escape his father's lecture, but he couldn't help being a little grateful that
Tommy had come straight to his house instead of going to Lori's or another one
of his friends' houses.
"I don't know what that's like," Merton said, his voice barely above a whisper
as he looked up to find Tommy watching him. He knew how dangerous this was, how
much he was risking by staying where he was instead of standing up and putting
a safe distance between them. The one thing keeping him in place was that he'd
seen that look of sadness in Tommy's eyes before, it was the same expression
Tommy had worn the day before when he'd apologized for not stopping Tim and
Travis sooner.
"Yeah, I know, your parents seem really cool," Tommy said, his breath warming
Merton's cheek and sending a shiver of pleasure and anticipation down his
spine. They were too close for Merton to think rationally; alarms were going
off in his brain but he couldn't quite place them, he wasn't even sure what
Tommy had said. All he knew was that they were sitting shoulder to shoulder on
his bed, their eyes locked and close enough for him to feel every rise and fall
of Tommy's chest. Before he could stop himself he leaned forward, it was barely
enough to qualify as movement but as soon as he moved Tommy did too. Then they
were even closer, and Merton was almost positive that Tommy was thinking
exactly what he was thinking. As unlikely as it seemed, somewhere in the back
of his racing mind he was sure that Tommy Dawkins wanted to kiss him.
Part of him wanted to go for it, to take the only chance he might ever get to
find out what it would be like to kiss Tommy. Even his sense of self-
preservation wasn't enough to dissuade him, because even if Tommy wanted to
kill him when it was over at least he'd die knowing what it was like. He wasn't
sure how long he hesitated; seconds maybe, or possibly hours, but the next
thing he knew Tommy straightened and pulled away. It took another second for
his brain to register why Tommy pulled away, but as soon as he placed the
source of the sound that had interrupted them he looked up to find his sister
pushing his door open.
"Hey Freaker, Mom says hurry up…" Becky trailed off, her eyes glued on Tommy as
her jaw dropped open.
Merton felt himself blush from the tips of his toes all the way to the roots of
his hair, but he couldn't make himself care what color his complexion was. The
fact was that if Becky hadn't opened the door when she did Tommy would have let
Merton kiss him, he was almost sure of it. He stifled a groan as Tommy stood up
and looked down at him, clearing his throat nervously as Merton met his gaze.
"Mind if I…?" He gestured in the direction of the bathroom between Merton and
Becky's rooms.
"No, I mean yeah, go ahead," Merton stammered, blood pounding against his
eardrums so loud that he could barely make out the sound of his own voice. He
had no idea how he was going to get through an entire dinner with his family
making small talk, no doubt directing most of the conversation at Tommy. He
hadn't even thought about the embarrassing questions his parents were probably
dying to ask, but at that moment he couldn't bring himself to care. All he
could think about was what would happen after dinner; with any luck his parents
would force his sister to leave them alone and maybe, just maybe…
He shut the thought down as quickly as it surfaced and stood up, taking a
moment to steady his legs before he crossed the room and headed for the
kitchen. He wasn't going to start anticipating what would happen when they were
alone again; if he did that he wouldn't make it through the next five minutes,
let alone an entire meal. Slowly he let himself into the kitchen, floating on a
cloud of anticipation and more than a little nervous tension. As soon as he
heard the sound of his sister's voice reality came crashing back around him,
though, and he wondered too late if letting Tommy hang around his house was
such a good idea.
"…Tommy Dawkins, Mom. What's Tommy Dawkins doing hanging around the freak?"
"Rebecca Dingle, what have I told you about talking that way about your
brother?" their mother said, neither of them noticing the fact that Merton was
standing in the room. "Merton can have any friend he likes to dinner, you know
that."
"Yeah, but it's Tommy Dawkins! No way is he friends with Freakboy. He's the
most popular kid in school, and he's captain of the football team, and he's
completely gorgeous, and just…no way would he hang out with Merton," she said,
snapping her jaw shut defiantly as soon as her point was made.
Merton rolled his eyes as he listened to his sister's tirade, but somewhere in
the back of his mind was a small voice telling him that maybe she had a point.
Tommy hanging out with him made more sense now than it had at first, but to the
rest of the school it would be just as weird as it had always seemed. He and
Tommy just didn't make sense, not as friends or anything else for that matter.
Still, the fact that his own sister thought Tommy was too good even to have
dinner in their house hurt more than he wanted it to. "Oh, but it would make
perfect sense if he was here to see you," he said, ignoring the twinge of
jealousy he felt as the words escaped his mouth. "And have you ever heard of
knocking before you just barge into somebody's room?"
Becky turned to glare at him, but before she could open her mouth to say
anything their mother cleared her throat and thrust a serving dish into her
daughter's hands. "Go, now, and not another word," she warned, her expression
silencing whatever protest had been forming on Becky's lips. When his sister
was gone Mrs. Dingle turned to Merton, her curious expression reminding him of
exactly how nervous he should be. Whatever she was thinking she kept to
herself, though, and a moment later she smiled and handed him another dish.
"Put this on the table for me, sweetheart. I'll be out in a minute."
Merton nodded and took the dish, pushing the door to the dining room open and
taking in the scene in the dining room. Tommy was already seated at the table
next to Merton's father, the two of them carrying on an animated conversation
about college. Becky was in her usual seat directly across from Tommy, her eyes
a little glassy as she stared raptly at him. He stifled the urge to laugh at
her and slid into the chair next to Tommy, willing himself not to stare at the
other boy as Tommy glanced over his shoulder and grinned.
As soon as Merton smiled back he turned back to the conversation he'd been
having with Mr. Dingle, but Merton's mind was racing too fast to try to pay
attention to what they were saying. There was no way Tommy could have missed
Becky's rant about him in the kitchen, and he wasn't sure whether to be
embarrassed that his sister thought so little of him or worried that Tommy
might realize she was right. Usually he didn't give much thought to what Becky
had to say about anything, but considering how quickly she could spread a rumor
he couldn't help but be worried. It was one thing for Tommy to come over and
watch a movie once in awhile, but if Becky had walked in on them thirty seconds
later he would have had a lot more explaining to do.
The memory of Tommy leaning toward him, his lips parted and his eyes a shade or
two darker than usual sent blood rushing to all sorts of inconvenient places.
Merton cleared his throat and shifted carefully in his chair, hoping none of
them would notice just how uncomfortable he was.
"Son?"
Somehow he managed not to groan as he forced himself to look at his father,
knowing that there was no way he was keeping his discomfort off his face.
"Yeah?"
"Tommy here was expressing an interest in taking a look around campus one of
these days," his father said, his tone patient but infused with the amusement
that Merton knew was directed at him. "I thought since you've spent so much
time hanging around the labs that you might be the best person to show him
around."
Merton managed a weak smile as he realized what his father was asking, stealing
a quick glance over at Tommy only to find that the other boy was carefully
avoiding his gaze. "Yeah, sure," he said. "I mean if you want to."
Tommy looked up then, his normally casual grin tempered by a hint of
nervousness that Merton couldn't help but think looked good on him. "Thanks,"
he said, "I mean when my dad and I met with the football coach they showed us
around the field house and stuff but I never actually saw any of the classrooms
or anything."
"Coach Hendricks is a good man," Mr. Dingle interjected, an amused smile
turning up the corners of his mouth as both boys flushed and turned their
attention back to him. "He's a bit single-minded when it comes to his team,
though. I hear he's even worse during the recruitment process, although we
don't exactly travel in the same circles." He smiled indulgently at first his
son, then their guest as the door to the kitchen swung open again. "Dinner is
served, kids. It smells wonderful, dear."
Merton smiled in spite of himself as he listened to his father fawning over his
mother's cooking, forgetting to be embarrassed at his old-fashioned parents. He
barely even noticed Becky glaring silently at him from the other side of the
table, he was too caught up in trying not to react to the fact that Tommy was
sitting next to him. Every once in awhile their knees would brush against each
other under the table, or he'd reach for his glass and accidentally brush
Tommy's arm with his. Every time it happened Tommy smiled almost imperceptibly,
he never looked over at Merton but the corners of his mouth would turn up
reflexively.
"So have you thought about what you're planning to study, Tommy?" Mr. Dingle
asked suddenly, forcing Merton's attention away from the fact that Tommy had
actually just brushed his fingers across the back of Merton's hand. It could
have been an accident, after all they'd both reached for the pot roast at the
same time. Still, it didn't feel like an accident, and considering the way
Tommy was carefully avoiding looking at him Merton was pretty sure that it
wasn't.
"My dad thinks I should get into Sports Medicine or Mass Communication," Tommy
answered. "Sportscasting, I guess in case I blow out my knee on the field and
don't make it to the NFL."
"I see," Mr. Dingle said, and Merton could tell by his tone that he was holding
back whatever it was he really wanted to say. Then his father brightened and
glanced over at his mother, and Merton let out the breath he hadn't realized
he'd been holding. "Both admirable fields. Of course we're always looking for
bright young minds to further the noble profession of Physics, so I had to
ask."
"I figured Merton already had that covered," Tommy said, glancing curiously at
the other boy. "I mean you said you work in your dad's lab, right?"
Merton shook his head, grinning as his father laughed at the idea that his son
would be following in his footsteps. "Unfortunately for the world of Physics,
no," Mr. Dingle said. "That's where my son and I don't quite see eye to eye. He
takes advantage of unlimited access to a University Physics lab for the time
being, but his real interest lies in Chemistry, I'm afraid."
"You make it sound like a personality defect," Merton muttered, rolling his
eyes at his father. "Chemistry's more interesting than Physics, it's not all
laws and probabilities. With Chemistry you can get your hands dirty, mix up
chemicals and create a reaction."
A derisive snort escaped his father's throat as he listened to Merton explain
his love for Chemistry, rolling his eyes in a gesture that Merton recognized as
the start of his favorite speech about the impetuous nature of youth. He
glanced pleadingly at his mother, letting out a relieved sigh when she smiled
at him and turned to her husband.
"No arguments about the merits of different branches of science at the dinner
table," she reminded him, as though it was a perfectly natural rule for any
household. "Besides, political science is so much more interesting than the
exact sciences, there's more room to negotiate." She smirked at the twin looks
of exasperation on her husband and son's faces and turned her attention back to
Tommy. "So Tommy, Becky tells me you're the captain of the football team."
Merton pushed his food around his plate with his fork as he listened to his
mother grill Tommy about school and sports and anything else she could think
of, stealing an occasional glance at the other boy as he tried to decide
whether or not to interrupt her. Tommy didn't look like it bothered him,
though; in fact he seemed like he was having a pretty good time talking to
Merton's parents, he laughed at all of Mr. Dingle's dumb jokes and he answered
every one of Mrs. Dingle's questions without hesitation. Even Becky seemed to
have gotten over her indignation at Merton having a member of the popular crowd
over in a social capacity, and she was staring intently at Tommy as he made
small talk with their parents. He smiled in spite of himself and set his fork
down on the table, trying not to look as anxious as he felt while he waited for
everyone else to finish so he could get Tommy alone again.
***** Chapter 13 *****
"You're really lucky," Tommy said as he followed Merton into the family room
and threw himself down on the couch.
Merton stole a glance over his shoulder as he made his way to the cabinet where
all his videos were stored, kneeling on the floor in front of the shelves
before he responded. "Why do you say that?"
"Your parents, they're really cool." Tommy stood up and made his way across the
room, stopping next to Merton and peering over his shoulder at the rows of
videos. "That's some collection, you weren't kidding."
"Yeah, I'm kinda wishing it wasn't so extensive now that I have to start over
again with DVDs." He smiled self-consciously and kept his eyes trained on the
movies so he wouldn't be tempted to turn and see how close Tommy was to him. He
could feel the other boy's body heat radiating off him, and the memory of what
had almost happened in his bedroom sent a shiver down his spine. "So, um…any
idea what you want to watch?"
"Doesn't matter…oh, hey," Tommy said, leaning forward as one of the titles
caught his eye. His hand landed on Merton's shoulder for balance, his chest
pressed against the other boy's shoulder blade as he reached over Merton and
pulled a video off the shelf. He pulled back and dropped the video in Merton's
hands, his hand trailing down the other boy's back as he straightened up again.
"This one, definitely. It's a classic."
Merton nodded mutely, his brain too foggy to even focus on the box in his
hands. He didn't care if Tommy had chosen his sister's copy of Dirty Dancing,
he wasn't going to be able to concentrate on the movie anyway. He wasn't even
sure he was going to be able to get off the floor, his whole body felt like it
was on fire and all Tommy had done was touch his shoulder. "Uh…yeah. A
classic," he murmured as he willed his legs to work with him, pushing himself
off the floor and making his way over to the VCR.
He took his time putting the movie in and turning on the television, fussing
more than he needed to with the volume and the tracking before he finally gave
up and turned toward Tommy. The other boy was practically sprawled on the
couch, his legs stretched out in front of him as he watched Merton stall for
time. As soon as Merton turned toward him he focused his attention on the
screen, however, and Merton let out a soft sigh that was as much disappointed
as it was relieved. He made his way over to the couch and sat down next to
Tommy, sitting a little closer to his guest than he really needed to.
When the opening scene finally began to roll Merton registered for the first
time that they were watching Return of the Living Dead, and he was thankful
that at least it was a movie he didn't have to pay attention to. He practically
knew this one by heart, which meant he could spend the entire evening obsessing
about Tommy without worrying that the other boy would figure out that Merton
hadn't exactly been paying attention to the film.
Part of him was dying to find out if he'd imagined what almost happened in his
bedroom, if his imagination and his hormones were ganging up on him or if Tommy
really was attracted to him. It wasn't like he could just come out and ask him,
though, and considering his entire family was home he couldn't really do
anything about it while they were sitting in the family room. Still, every time
he thought about it he was a little more sure that it hadn't been just his
imagination, and he had to keep shifting on the couch in a futile attempt to
find a comfortable position that wouldn't betray what was on his mind.
He shifted again, doing his best not to draw Tommy's attention as he struggled
not to focus on the way Tommy's fingers kept curling and uncurling against his
thigh. If he'd just sit still Merton wouldn't be having so much trouble
focusing, but Tommy was fidgeting the same way he had been the night before at
Lori's house and all Merton could do was concentrate on not reaching over and
touching him. He tried to keep his eyes on the movie; he wouldn't be able to
pay attention to the story line but at least he could pretend he wasn't
thinking about jumping Tommy in the family room where anyone could walk in. It
would be easier if he didn't think Tommy would go for it, but he had a sneaking
suspicion that Tommy might be thinking something along those lines himself.
As if he could read Merton's mind, Tommy's fingers stopped moving suddenly and
he looked over at the other boy, green eyes sparkling with amusement. "How many
times have you seen this one?" he asked, his voice lower than usual.
Merton shrugged and gave up pretending to watch the movie, turning to face
Tommy. "I don't know, ten, maybe twelve times."
"Seriously?" Tommy grinned and rolled his eyes as Merton nodded, shifting an
inch or two closer to the other boy. "You know, we could have watched something
else."
Merton bit his lip to keep from telling Tommy that it didn't matter what they
watched, even if he could focus on the movie he didn't care what it was as long
as he got to watch it with Tommy. For one thing that would sound way too
pathetic, and for another he wasn't sure he could keeping talking to Tommy
without doing the one thing he'd been dying to do since Becky interrupted them.
He was dying to know how Tommy kissed, what his hands would feel like in
Merton's hair and how fast he'd run out of the house once it was over. He was
beyond caring whether or not it spelled the end of their friendship, a few
weeks ago he hadn't even had that and now he was willing to risk it for a shot
at something more.
When he finally realized that Tommy was staring at him while he waited for an
answer he flushed and shook his head, looking down at the cushion between them
as he tried to remember the last thing Tommy had said to him. "I…uh…no, I mean
I like this movie. That's why I've seen it so many times."
"Yeah, me too," Tommy admitted, his voice dropping an octave as he turned back
to the screen. As he turned he slid a little closer to Merton, the space
between them practically nonexistent now as Merton took a deep breath and
forced himself to turn back to the TV. He held his breath and leaned just a
little closer to Tommy, telling himself that he was just trying to get
comfortable. If the other boy objected to Merton's shoulder pressing into his
he could move, after all he was the one that kept inching closer and closer to
the center of the couch.
Instead of pulling away Tommy shifted slightly, stretching his arm along the
back of the couch. It was all Merton could do to stop himself from leaning into
the other boy and resting his head on Tommy's shoulder; it felt so natural,
like it would be the easiest thing in the world to do. He couldn't, though,
because Tommy wasn't his boyfriend. He was barely even a friend, and even if
they had almost kissed in his bedroom that didn't mean he could just touch him
because he felt like it. Maybe Tommy didn't even realize how close they'd come
to kissing, or maybe he was just experimenting. Either way Merton had no way of
knowing if this meant anything to Tommy.
Although if Tommy was completely oblivious he was doing a pretty good job of
hiding it, because every time he shifted he came a little closer to actually
putting his arm around Merton. He could only imagine what his parents would
think if they happened to wander into the family room, never mind his sister's
reaction. Tommy had to know how dangerous it was to sit this close together
even in Merton's house, though; he had to know that Becky went to their school
and that word of their friendship was bound to get around. He stiffened at the
thought of Becky and her friends gossiping about Tommy having dinner at their
house, only to tense even more when a warm hand landed on his shoulder.
"What?" Tommy asked, turning away from the movie long enough to glance over at
Merton.
"Nothing," Merton said, wincing as he heard the slight edge in his voice. It
wasn't like he could tell Tommy the truth, that he hated the thought of how
fast Tommy would ditch him if word got around that they were hanging out
together. He couldn't tell him that he couldn't even think straight when Tommy
sat this close to him, and he couldn't ask him what was going on between them.
He wanted to, but even if he was that brave he was pretty sure he wouldn't want
to hear the answer.
Tommy didn't argue with him, but he watched Merton curiously for another moment
before he turned back to the movie. Merton held his breath while he waited for
Tommy to pull his hand away, but instead of letting go Tommy's thumb began to
move in slow circles. The tiny movement sent waves of sensation through
Merton's extremities, and before he could stop himself he moved a little
further into Tommy's touch. A voice in the back of his head kept screaming at
him that this was a bad idea, that he had no idea if Tommy was interested or if
he was just trying to be nice.
He couldn't stop himself from rolling his eyes at his own capacity for denial;
if there was any question that Tommy was interested before tonight it should
have been erased when Tommy showed up two hours early rather than hang out at
his own house. He just didn't want to believe that Tommy Dawkins was attracted
to him, no matter how many signals the other boy gave him. Accepting that it
was possible meant that he had way too much to lose, not only Tommy's
friendship but also the relative peace of being ignored by practically everyone
at Pleasantville High. It was only a matter of time before people started
talking, and there was no way it would last once the rumors started flying.
The hand that had been steadily moving on his shoulder stopped abruptly and
pulled away, and Merton glanced sharply over at its owner. Tommy didn't even
look at him, his eyes were glued to the movie and he appeared to be actually
paying attention to the action on screen. Merton bit back a disappointed sigh
and told himself that it was for the best, Tommy had probably just realized
what he was doing and stopped before Merton got the wrong idea. Maybe he'd been
thinking the same thing Merton was thinking, after all Merton was used to being
teased and accused of being a freak. Tommy had a lot more to lose than he did,
so even if he had started it there was no surprise in him suddenly coming to
his senses.
Neither of them said anything else until the movie ended, although when Merton
stood up to turn it off he could tell that Tommy was more than a little
uncomfortable. He didn't say anything because he had a feeling Tommy would just
tell him there was nothing wrong, but the other boy was shifting nervously and
he hadn't looked at Merton once in the past hour. When the tape was rewound and
put away Merton turned back to his guest, struggling to hold back his
disappointment as he finally met Tommy's gaze. "You want to watch anything
else?"
Tommy stood up slowly, something like regret flashing in his eyes for a moment
before he smiled sadly. "Can't, we've got a huge game tomorrow. I better get
home and get some sleep, my dad's weird about me staying out the night before a
big game."
"Yeah, no problem," Merton said, smiling a little too brightly as he turned off
the TV. "So good luck tomorrow."
"I left my jacket in your room," Tommy said, his hands in his pockets as he
glanced over his shoulder in the general direction of Merton's bedroom.
"Oh, yeah, right," Merton said too quickly, his cheeks blazing as he brushed
past Tommy and headed down the hall toward his bedroom. He felt Tommy behind
him as he stopped in front of his bedroom door, adrenaline pounding in his
veins as he wished that Tommy had just waited in the family room. He couldn't
remember ever being as embarrassed as he was in that moment, not only for
misjudging Tommy's interest in him but for sounding like an idiot every time he
opened his mouth.
Finally he pushed his bedroom door open and stepped inside, scanning the
discarded clothes on his bed until he finally located Tommy's letterman jacket.
He leaned over the bed and picked it up, gripping the soft leather a little too
tightly in an effort to keep himself from inhaling Tommy's scent on the
material. That would be a little hard to explain, and he'd already embarrassed
himself enough for one night. It was bad enough that he was going to lie awake
all night alternating between obsessing about their almost-kiss and the feeling
of Tommy's thumb tracing patterns on his shoulder, he didn't need the other
boy's scent to go along with the fantasy.
"Here," he muttered, turning and holding the jacket out without quite meeting
Tommy's gaze.
"Thanks," Tommy said, slowly pulling the jacket out of Merton's hand and
slipping into it. "Listen, Merton, I mean it. Thanks for letting me hang out
here, your family's really cool."
"Yeah, sure," Merton answered, swallowing against a rush of disappointment as
he finally forced himself to look up at Tommy. It made sense that he'd want to
spend time at Merton's house, considering how his father was Merton's family
probably seemed like something out of a sitcom. That didn't make it any easier
to hear, though, especially when he'd been so sure a few hours ago that there
was something happening between them. "Any time."
He started to move around Tommy toward the door, registering somewhere in the
back of his mind that Tommy had closed it behind them. Before he could think
about what that meant he felt a hand close around his arm, and he swallowed
another rush of adrenaline as he felt himself being turned back toward the
other boy. They were so close, closer than they'd ever been in all the time
they'd spent watching movies in his family room. He could feel Tommy's breath
warming his cheek, his senses were flooded with the scent of warm fabric
softener and leather that was unmistakably Tommy, and the hand on his arm
applied just enough pressure to let him know it wasn't a dream.
He looked up into impossibly green eyes just as Tommy leaned forward, Merton's
own nervousness mirrored back to him as they both leaned forward instinctively.
Merton's free hand landed on Tommy's hip, his fingers digging into denim as he
leaned forward one last inch and fused their lips together. A muffled gasp
escaped Tommy's throat as he let go of Merton's arm and pressed his hands
against Merton's chest, his fingers closing around the fabric of his shirt and
pulling him closer. As soon as his lips parted Merton opened his mouth to
deepen the kiss, swallowing a groan as Tommy's tongue slid against his.
Blood pounded against his ears as Tommy pulled him even closer, his arms
sliding around Tommy's waist to stroke his back in slow circles. He was
surprised by how easily Tommy surrendered control of the kiss, following
Merton's lead readily as the smaller boy worked on memorizing every inch of
Tommy's mouth. If this was the only chance he ever got to do this he was going
to make it count, but something about the tentative way Tommy touched him
pulled him out of his lust-filled haze. Tommy let go of the front of his shirt
to stroke Merton's cheek, one hand wandering through surprisingly soft spikes
as Merton continued stroking slowly up and down his back.
Merton knew Tommy had done this before with Stacey at least, he'd seen them
himself in the hallways at school. Considering the way Tommy followed his lead
he was fairly sure that it was the first time Tommy had ever kissed another
guy, though, and he was caught between fear that it was just an experiment and
delight that he was the first. A sudden rush of possessiveness sent a jolt
straight to his groin, and he groaned against Tommy's lips and pressed their
hips together. He thrust up instinctively, evoking a low moan from somewhere
deep in Tommy's throat.
He knew he should pull away, that they should at least take a breath and maybe
talk about what was happening between them. The thing was that he didn't want
to talk, he didn't want to stop either because part of him was terrified that
as soon as the kiss ended Tommy would come to his senses and take off. He could
feel how much Tommy wanted this, though, maybe he really was just experimenting
but he definitely seemed to be enjoying himself. A moment later the choice was
taken away from him, though, because Tommy tore his mouth away from Merton's
with a sharp gasp. Slowly they let go of each other, both of them panting for
breath as Merton stood between Tommy and the door and waited for the other boy
to say something.
It felt like hours passed while Merton waited, and he was starting to worry
that Tommy wasn't going to say anything at all when the taller boy finally
cleared his throat and looked up almost shyly. "I really do have to go," he
said, one hand clasped behind his neck as he searched for the right thing to
say. "I don't want to, it's just my dad…"
"It's okay, Tommy," Merton said, struggling to keep the disappointment out of
his voice. He didn't want Tommy to leave, not then and maybe not ever, but he
knew it was inevitable. Besides, as much as part of him wanted to finish what
they'd started he wasn't sure if he wanted to rush what was happening between
them. He liked Tommy, he liked him enough to want this to be more than a little
groping before they went back to pretending they didn't know each other.
"Yeah, so I'll see you soon." Tommy shifted nervously on his heels, a crooked
grin tugging at the corners of his mouth as he stalled.
Merton opened his mouth to answer, to say something that didn't sound
completely idiotic, but before he got the chance Tommy was in front of him
again. His hands landed on Tommy's hips as Tommy leaned forward, capturing his
mouth in a tentative, surprisingly sweet kiss. It took every ounce of self-
control Merton had not to take control of the kiss again, but there was
something amazing about the way Tommy kissed him. It was almost hesitant, as
though he was afraid he was going to do something wrong or that Merton was
about to push him away. Too soon he pulled away again, his hand lingering on
the soft skin on the side of Merton's neck for a moment before he straightened
up and pulled away.
He didn't say anything as Tommy brushed past him and pulled his bedroom door
open, he didn't follow him to the front door because he knew if he did there
was no way he'd be able to stop himself from kissing Tommy in front of his
whole family. Instead he closed his bedroom door and leaned against it, his
fingers pressed to his mouth as he listened to the sound of the front door
slamming shut. When he was sure Tommy was gone he pushed himself off his door,
wandering over to his bed and throwing himself down onto the mattress. He
kicked the pile of discarded shirts onto the floor without a second thought, a
soft sigh escaping his throat as he closed his eyes and focused on memorizing
every second of the two kisses they'd shared so far.
As he played the last few minutes over and over in his mind another rush of
possessiveness hit him, surprising him with the force of the emotion. He knew
he didn't have a right to claim any part of Tommy, it was just a couple kisses
and he had no idea what it meant to Tommy. For all he knew that was it, on
Monday Tommy might not even want to look at him. Still, no matter how he tried
to tell himself not to get too caught up in how right kissing Tommy had felt he
couldn't talk himself out of it, he couldn't forget the way Tommy's lips felt
against his or how right it had felt to touch him.
Once he was sure he'd committed everything about Tommy to memory he opened his
eyes again, a ridiculous grin plastered to his face as he folded his arms
behind his head and stared at the ceiling. He wasn't going to think about the
possibility that Tommy might wake up regretting tonight, he wasn't going to
worry about the kids at school or the fact that a relationship between him and
Tommy Dawkins was practically impossible. For now he was just going to enjoy
the fact that Tommy had kissed him -- twice -- and worry about the consequences
later.
***** Chapter 14 *****
The first thing Merton thought of when he woke up on Saturday morning was
Tommy, his hands on Merton's face and in his hair as their mouths moved
together. He blinked and forced himself into complete awareness, his eyes wide
as he stared at the ceiling and tried to convince himself it wasn't just a
dream. It seemed real, he could still remember the way Tommy felt pressed
against him and the way he tasted. It couldn't be real, though, because if it
was that meant that last night Tommy Dawkins had kissed him. Twice. In the very
room he slept in every night.
His body began to wake up as he played the events of the night before over in
his head, and he closed his eyes and tried his best to ignore the surge of
desire that rushed through his veins. No, it definitely wasn't a dream, because
if it had been a dream he wouldn't have let Tommy leave after just a couple
kisses. He remembered thinking at the time that maybe it was better that Tommy
had to go, that it would be better if they didn't rush into anything.
"I'm so stupid," he moaned into the silence of his room, the palms of his hands
pressed against his eyes as he realized what he'd done. That could have been
his only shot at Tommy, because it was entirely possible that the other boy was
waking up right now and telling himself that it was just a momentary lapse of
sanity and it could never happen again. It wasn't like Tommy was ready to leap
out of the closet, at least not as far as Merton could tell. In fact he didn't
seem all that sure what he wanted, and it was very possible that he'd decide
that whatever it was, Merton wasn't it.
Still, it was an amazing kiss – no, an amazing two kisses – and there was at
least a chance that it would happen again. If Tommy really was experimenting
then it was entirely possible that he'd decide he liked what happened between
them, at least enough to try it again. And maybe a few other things while they
were at it. He smiled at the images that thought conjured and pushed himself
off the mattress, making his way toward the bathroom as he contemplated all the
things they could experiment with before they ran out of new things to try.
When he finished in the bathroom he wandered toward the kitchen on automatic
pilot, his stomach leading him in the direction of food as his mind played out
a particularly interesting scenario involving Tommy and the boys' shower in the
locker room at school. He could barely keep the grin off his face long enough
to say good morning to his parents, and he was even more grateful than usual
that Becky was gone already so he wouldn't have to listen to her endless stream
of questions about Tommy. He didn't want to talk about it, he just wanted to
enjoy the memory of the night before for as long as possible. He ignored the
look his parents exchanged over his head and poured himself a bowl of cereal,
humming to himself as he dug a spoon out of the drawer and headed back to the
table.
For a few moments his parents just sat and watched him eat, his mother casting
curious glances at his father as they both peered at him over the newspaper. He
knew they'd probably figure out why he was in such a good mood if he gave them
half a chance, but he couldn't make himself care. He didn't want to hide it, as
far as he was concerned the whole world should know exactly why he was so happy
to be alive. More than anything he wanted Tommy to know, but that would wait
until the next time they saw each other. For now it was enough that Tommy
wanted him, he never thought it would happen but now that it had he was going
to enjoy it for as long as possible.
"Everything okay?" his mother asked, forcing him to look up at her long enough
to grin reassuringly.
"Sure, Mom, I'm fine," he answered before he shoved another spoonful of
Cheerios in his mouth.
His father cleared his throat but Merton kept his eyes on his breakfast,
willing himself not to laugh at the confused looks both his parents were
wearing. He heard one of them rustle the section of the paper they'd been
reading before it was folded and laid on the table, then his father leaned
forward and folded his hands in front of him. "So is everything going alright
at school? No more trouble with those boys?"
Merton shrugged and ventured a glance at his father, his amusement tempered by
the fact that they were both looking at him like they used to when he was
little and they were trying to trick him into admitting that he'd broken
something. He didn't want to deal with this; not today, not while he could
still remember how Tommy's lips felt moving against his. "Not really."
He knew how much his mother hated vague answers, if there was anything that
annoyed her it was when one of them refused to give up the information she was
looking for. He'd thought more than once growing up that she should have been a
cop instead of a political science professor, at least then she'd be able to
interrogate people on a daily basis. So it was no surprise when she folded her
own section of the paper and set it down on the table before reaching over to
feel his forehead.
"Mom, I already told you, I'm fine. Can't a guy just be in a good mood?"
"Of course you can be in a good mood, Merton," she said. "Actually it's nice to
see you enjoying yourself for once. You've been so serious lately, it's not
good for you."
He stopped himself from rolling his eyes and picked up the glass of juice she'd
poured for him, swallowing half the contents before he looked back up at her
again. "Yeah, you know, I figure it's senior year. The hard part's over, might
as well relax a little."
"Does that mean you won't be spending your vacation working in the lab?" his
father asked. "Only one more week until winter break, you know."
Merton's forehead furrowed as his father reminded him that vacation started at
the end of the week. Three weeks away from school, away from tutoring and any
chance to run into Tommy. He had no idea if Tommy planned to see him during
break, he didn't even know if Tommy would be in town. "I don't know," he
finally answered. "Guess it depends on what's going on."
"Well if you decide you'd rather spend time with your friend Tommy I'll
understand," Mr. Dingle said, smiling reassuringly as his son glanced up at him
again. "He's a very nice young man."
"You invite him over for dinner again soon, sweetie," his mother added. "He
really is a nice boy, and so polite. I don't think we know his parents, though,
do we?"
"I think his father works at the shop that fixed the Volvo last time. There's a
Bob Dawkins there, he's the one that signed off on the repairs."
Merton kept his gaze securely locked on his Cheerios as his parents talked,
barely registering what they were saying. His mind was still stuck on the
question of whether or not he'd see Tommy over winter break; he'd thought about
it before, but before last night it had always seemed impossible. Now, though,
there were endless possibilities for the three weeks they had free from school,
that was if Tommy wanted to see him. Although if last night was any indication
he didn't have to worry about it. He directed his grin at his bowl of cereal,
looking forward for the first time in years to a vacation.
~
It took a few days for the luster of their first kiss to tarnish. All weekend
Merton floated on a euphoric cloud that even going back to school couldn't
ruin, but when a couple days passed without seeing Tommy at all his good mood
started to waver a little. He saw Lori during their tutoring sessions, but even
though she was friendly enough she didn't mention Tommy once. As much as he
wanted to he couldn't bring it up; part of him was worried that Lori knew what
had happened between them and the rest of him was a little disappointed that
she didn't seem to have a clue.
He'd known on Friday night that it was possible Tommy would wake up regretting
it the next day, but he hadn't expected the idea to hurt so much. He hadn't
even seen Tommy since Friday, he'd caught a glimpse or two of him in the halls
but Tommy was always surrounded by at least half a dozen admirers and he never
even noticed Merton. For awhile he tried to tell himself that Tommy was just
busy with football and mid-terms, but by the time Friday afternoon rolled
around he couldn't convince himself it was just football keeping them apart.
He let out a frustrated sigh as he made his way toward his locker after school,
his gaze focused on the linoleum under his feet so he wouldn't have to think
about the other students still lingering in the halls. To make matters worse it
was the last day of school before winter break, which meant he wouldn't see
Tommy at all for the next three weeks. He couldn't believe this was happening
to him; how could he have been so stupid as to actually believe that Tommy
liked him? He knew better, he knew that the kiss couldn't possibly mean as much
to Tommy as it did to him. The worst part was that he'd let it happen twice,
and he knew he'd never be brave enough to ask Tommy why he'd changed his mind.
After he'd shoved all the books he'd need over break into his backpack he
slammed his locker shut, wincing as it closed too hard and shook the metal
frame.
"Geez, Merton, got a little repressed anger?"
He looked up sharply to find Lori grinning at him, her car keys dangling from
one hand and no trace of any school books. He swallowed the urge to ask her if
she was planning to do any actual homework over break and forced a weak smile,
glancing over her shoulder before he could stop himself. The hallway was empty,
though, and he stifled a disappointed sigh and told himself he'd known better.
"Hey, Lori. I thought you'd be gone already."
"I would be, but Tommy's holding me up, as usual. Have you seen him?"
"Who, Tommy?"
"Yeah, you know – tall, wavy brown hair, broad shoulders…" She smirked as she
watched Merton flush, sighing when he shook his head. "Well he said he wanted
to talk to you before we took off. Said to meet him at your locker. So where
the hell is he?"
"I don't know," Merton answered, his heart racing as he realized that Tommy was
looking for him. It had been a week since they kissed, and suddenly Tommy
wanted to track him down? For what – to apologize? The thought of Tommy
apologizing for what happened between them made his stomach turn, and he leaned
back against the lockers so his legs wouldn't give out. "I haven't seen him all
week."
"I know, that's what he wanted to talk to you about." Lori grinned at the look
of shock on Merton's face. "Relax, he doesn't tell me everything."
Merton opened his mouth to ask what exactly Tommy did tell her, and why she
hadn't said anything when she'd obviously known all week what was going on.
Before he had a chance to think better of it he heard a throat clear behind
him, though, and he glanced over his shoulder to find Tommy glaring at Lori.
"Fine," she said, responding to Tommy's unspoken command, "I'll just go wait in
the car. But hurry it up, Dawkins, I've still gotta pack and I'm going out
tonight so I won't have time to do it later."
"Yeah, I know, you've only told me about a hundred times," Tommy shot back,
scowling at the look she shot him. She turned back to Merton and smirked again,
leaning up impulsively to kiss his cheek before she began backing away. "See
you in three weeks, Merton."
"Bye," he called after her, his mind racing as she finally left them alone. He
knew he should have told her to have a safe trip or a nice break or something,
but he couldn't get his voice to work with him. In fact his entire body seemed
paralyzed; he couldn't even get his legs to work long enough to turn and face
Tommy. He registered dimly that the hallway was empty now except for the two of
them, blood pounding against his eardrums as he told himself not to get his
hopes up. Tommy had still ignored him all week, regardless of what he wanted
now that fact wouldn't change.
Before he pulled himself together enough to walk away Tommy appeared in front
of him, his hands in his pockets and his expression a mixture of regret and
pure misery. "I'm really sorry," Tommy began. "I didn't expect this week to be
so crazy, but between Finals and mid-terms and practice…" He trailed off and
let out a heavy sigh, his hands leaving his pockets and twitching against his
thighs for a moment before he curled them into fists and crossed his arms over
his chest. "What I'm trying to say is I wasn't trying to blow you off, I've
just been really busy. I'd get home from practice or a game and just pass out,
we had to run plays during lunch all week, and even when I saw you in the hall
you were always headed in the other direction."
"It's okay, Tommy," Merton said when the other boy finally stopped to take a
breath. He didn't want Tommy to know how worried he'd been that they might
never talk to each other again, but he couldn't ignore the surge of relief he
felt when Tommy said he'd wanted to see him. "I know you've been busy with
football and everything."
The smile that lit up Tommy's features almost made it worth a week of worrying,
and Merton found himself smiling back in spite of the fact that his nerves were
raw. He could definitely relate to feeling worn out, he'd stressed himself out
so much that week worrying about Tommy that he could probably crawl into bed
and sleep for the first week of vacation. Preferably with Tommy, but he wasn't
going to start thinking about that or he'd do something really stupid right
there in the hallway. It was bad enough that Tommy was standing barely a foot
away from him, his fingers twitching as though it was taking every ounce of
self-control he had not to reach out and touch Merton.
"I told Lori I'd go over to her place for a little while, help her with some
stuff before she goes out tonight. But I was thinking if you're not busy
later…I mean if you want, they're showing The Screaming Skull at the Revival
Theater in Henderson. If you want to go."
"I heard something about that," Merton answered, struggling to keep his
nervousness out of his voice. There was no denying it or talking his way around
it this time; Tommy Dawkins had definitely just asked him out on an actual
date, to an actual movie theater. Where there would be actual people. Granted
the theater was in the next town, but it was still possible they'd run into
someone that knew them. A rush of adrenaline shot through him at the thought of
going out in public with Tommy, and he couldn't quite hide the grin that
threatened to break free. "I mean sure, that sounds great."
"Great. So I'll come by around 6:30," Tommy said, his arms dropping to his
sides again as he inched a little closer to Merton.
"Okay," Merton whispered, his heart pounding so hard against his ribcage that
he was sure Tommy could hear it. There was no way he couldn't, but it didn't
matter because Merton was sure that Tommy was thinking about kissing him. The
hallway was deserted for the moment, but there was no telling who would turn
the corner at any time. Whether or not Tommy had thought of that Merton
couldn't tell, he knew he should point it out but he couldn't bring himself to
stop Tommy from leaning forward. It had been too long since he'd gotten the
chance to do this, and he wasn't sure if he could wait a few more hours until
they were alone. He held his breath as Tommy reached out and trailed his
fingers along Merton's forearm, his hand landing on the smaller boy's waist as
he leaned forward.
The sound of a door slamming jolted them both back to reality and Tommy pulled
away, his eyes dilated as he glanced down the hall in the direction of the
noise. "Come on," he said, his hand landing on Merton's back to steer him in
the direction of the side entrance that would lead them to the parking lot. As
soon as they reached the door Tommy stopped him, backing him into the shadows
in the far corner of the hallway.
"Tommy, what if…" Merton began, only to stop abruptly when Tommy reached out
and pressed his fingers to Merton's lips.
"Nobody ever uses this door," he said, glancing over his shoulder automatically
to make sure that he was right and no one had followed them.
When he turned back to Merton he smiled almost shyly, and Merton bit back a
groan as he closed his hand around the front of Tommy's shirt and yanked him
forward. That was all the encouragement the taller boy needed, and he eagerly
parted his lips to meet Merton's tongue as he pressed the other boy into the
wall. A week was definitely too long to go without kissing Tommy, without
feeling his hands on Merton's skin and their bodies pressed together. The urge
to push Tommy to the floor and start peeling his clothes off right there in the
hallway was almost overwhelming, and it took everything in Merton not to act on
it.
"Tommy," he gasped as he tore his lips away from the other boy's, his fingers
tightening in Tommy's hair just enough to force the other boy to look at him,
"this is a bad idea."
"Good idea," Tommy corrected him with a sigh as he uncurled his fingers from
the hopeless mass of wrinkles on the front of Merton's shirt, "bad timing."
"Whatever," Merton said, struggling to focus through his lust-induced daze long
enough to remember why he'd stopped them in the first place. "The point is we
should go."
"Yeah, okay," Tommy said, pulling away reluctantly and running his hands
through his hair. "So I'll see you in a few hours."
Merton nodded and pushed himself off the wall, glancing around to make sure no
one was watching before he reached up and pushed a wave of light brown hair
back from Tommy's forehead. "Right. See you then."
He picked up the backpack he'd dropped and followed Tommy through the door,
waving absently as Tommy walked away from him. While he'd been pressed up
against the wall with Tommy plastered to him he hadn't been thinking at all,
but now that the surge of desire had subsided he remembered what he'd been
about to ask Tommy in the hallway. The words were still on the tip of his
tongue: What if somebody sees us?. It was exactly what Tommy thought he was
going to ask, but he assumed Merton was as worried about getting caught as he
was. Part of Merton still wanted to know the answer to that question, but not
for the reason Tommy thought he did. He couldn't help wondering what would
happen if someone saw them; would Tommy deny it and distance himself from
Merton, or would he own up to who he was and live with the consequences?
A frustrated sigh escaped Merton's throat as he stopped next to the hearse and
dug his keys out of his pocket, and he told himself not to be stupid. He
already knew the answer to that question, there was no way Tommy was going to
risk his standing at Pleasantville High for somebody like Merton. He'd worked
too hard to get where he was, he wouldn't throw all that away for a guy he
barely even knew. They just had to make sure they didn't get caught, because
even though Tommy had a lot to lose, what Merton had to lose would cost him
more than Tommy could imagine.
***** Chapter 15 *****
Merton's hands tightened reflexively on the steering wheel as he glanced over
at Tommy, struggling against the overwhelming urge to reach out and touch the
other boy. Tommy was sprawled in the passenger seat, his head back and his eyes
closed as Merton passed the Pleasantville city limits sign. It was obvious how
exhausted Tommy was from a week full of football and mid-terms, but when he'd
showed up at Merton's house he'd seemed as anxious to see Merton as Merton had
been to see him. He stole another glance at Tommy's profile, only to flush when
he found Tommy staring back at him.
"Are you sure you want to do this tonight?" Merton asked before he could stop
himself. He didn't want to turn around and take Tommy home, but he didn't want
to go out if Tommy was going to have to fight to stay awake all night. "You're
exhausted, Tommy, maybe you should just go home and get some sleep."
Tommy shook his head and turned toward Merton, a weary smile making him look
younger than he was. "I have three weeks to catch up on sleep," he said. "I'm
alright, honest. I mean it's been a really long week, but mostly because I
spent the whole time thinking about tonight." He reached over and laid one hand
on Merton's cheek, his thumb stroking along Merton's cheekbone for a moment
before he pulled his hand away.
Merton's heart skipped a beat when Tommy's hand brushed his skin, and it took
everything in him to keep his eyes on the road. The fact that Tommy had
actually been thinking about the next time they'd see each other tugged at his
heart in a way he didn't think was possible, and he slowly began to relax. "So
no football practice during break?"
"Football season's over," Tommy answered, smiling indulgently at Merton's
embarrassed expression. "State finals is like the high school version of the
Superbowl. As soon as break's over basketball starts, though, so I'm sure my
dad will be ragging on me to practice for the start of the season."
Merton frowned at the idea of Tommy spending his entire break getting ready for
yet another sport that would take up all his free time, but he bit back the
urge to comment on Tommy's father and his idea of good parenting. Not that
Merton was an expert, but he knew his own parents would never put that much
pressure on him to do something he didn't even seem to enjoy. "I forgot you
were on the basketball team."
"I'm not the star so it's not as big a deal as football," Tommy answered. A
soft sigh escaped his throat as he ran his hands over his face, rubbing his
eyes to fight off another wave of exhaustion. "I'm not team captain, not that
I'd want to be. Football's enough, I mean I don't mind playing basketball but I
don't need all the responsibility, you know?"
"Not really," Merton said, a nervous grin tugging at the corners of his mouth
as he glanced over at Tommy. "I mean I can imagine, but my parents pretty much
just let me do my thing. As long as I keep my grades up they don't hassle me
about what I do with my spare time."
"I wish," Tommy said, a wistful expression crossing his face as he opened his
eyes again. "But it's only a few more months until graduation, then my dad
might lighten up a little. I figure if I keep my grades up and do okay on the
football team the first year he'll let me move into the dorm at least."
Merton frowned at the thought of Tommy still living at home under his father's
impossible rules, his mind filled with all sorts of images of what life in
Tommy's house must be like. "Yeah, but you'll be eighteen next year, right? So
he doesn't have much to say about it after that."
"If I wasn't going to school on a full scholarship, maybe," Tommy answered.
"But he's the one that got me the scholarship, he knows the coach at State.
They used to play on the high school team together, so he called in some
favors. That pretty much means my father and the coach own me for the next four
years if I want to actually graduate."
Neither of them said anything else until Merton pulled into the parking lot at
the movie theater and turned the engine off. He unbuckled his seat belt and
looked over at Tommy, swallowing the surge of disappointment that welled up in
him. Whatever was happening between them wouldn't last beyond the end of the
school year if it even lasted that long, he'd known that from the start. So it
shouldn't bother him that Tommy's life was contracted out to his own father for
the next four years, it wasn't as though Merton was even going to be around to
see him suffer. If everything worked out the way it was supposed to he'd be in
Massachusetts, and he'd just be a distant memory for Tommy.
"Merton?" A hand landed on the back of his neck, fingers tracing a pattern on
his nape and sending a shiver down his spine. "What'd I say?"
"Nothing," Merton answered quickly, his heart in his throat as he turned to
face Tommy. Before his sense of better judgement caught up with him he reached
for Tommy's hand, pulling it away from his neck and pressing a kiss to
surprisingly soft skin. His heart raced as he let go of Tommy's hand again, his
cheeks flushed as his brain registered what he'd done. It still felt strange to
touch Tommy, even after the scene in the hallway at school that afternoon.
Somehow he wasn't sure if he had the right to do something so intimate, he
didn't know what lines he could and couldn't cross. "Everything's fine."
Tommy opened his mouth and then closed it again, his forehead furrowed as
though he was wondering whether or not to argue. Finally he shook his head and
leaned forward, planting a chaste kiss on Merton's lips before he looked away
and cleared his throat. Merton smiled in spite of the tension between them as
he watched Tommy avoid looking at him, thankful that at least he hadn't done
anything to ruin things between them before they really started. He followed
Tommy out of the car and into the theater, keeping his hands in the pockets of
his jacket so he wouldn't be tempted to touch the other boy in public.
He wasn't even sure anymore what movie they were going to see, all he cared
about was the fact that he and Tommy were together. The fact that they were in
public was a thrill all on its own, but after the last few moments in the car
he wouldn't have minded turning around and going back to his house. Still, the
movie theater would be dark and they didn't really have to pay that much
attention to the actual movie, and with any luck nobody they knew would bother
to drive all the way to Henderson to see a bad B movie.
They bought their tickets and made their way into the dimly lit theater,
sinking into a pair of velvet-upholstered seats near the back row. So far there
were only a handful of other people in the theater, most of them older couples
there on dates. Merton grinned and stole a glance at Tommy's profile, sucking
in a sharp breath and looking away again as the urge to lean over and kiss
Tommy overwhelmed him. He cleared his throat and turned his attention to the
opposite side of the theater, his gaze falling on the door just as a group of
kids around their age walked in. Merton's heart stopped and he sank a little
lower into his seat as he watched three boys from his class walk in, first Paul
and Chris and finally Alistair.
He stifled a groan as he felt Tommy shift next to him, his shoulder pressing
into Merton's as he leaned closer. "You know those guys?"
"What guys?" Merton asked, swallowing convulsively as Tommy's breath hit his
neck and sent a jolt of desire straight to the pit of his stomach. He couldn't
deal with this; he couldn't sit next to Tommy in a dark theater while there
were people around that knew them both. It had to be some kind of cruel joke,
either that or there really was a God and Merton was paying for some crime he
didn't know he'd committed.
"Those guys that just walked in," Tommy answered. "They go to our school, don't
they?"
Merton watched as the three of them sat down close to the front of the theater,
his heart in his throat as he willed the lights to go down before they started
looking around. As soon as the thought formed in his head Alistair turned in
his seat and looked right at them, though, and even from across the theater
Merton caught the look of shocked recognition. "Yeah, I know them," Merton
finally admitted. "They're in a few of my classes. Look, Tommy, maybe this was
a bad idea."
For a split second Tommy seemed to be considering whether or not to agree with
him, and Merton steeled himself against the surge of disappointment and
straightened up. Before he got as far as standing up and heading for the exit,
though, Tommy's hand closed on his shoulder and pushed him gently back into his
seat. "Don't worry about it," Tommy said, although he didn't look nearly as
confident as he sounded. "I mean we're just here to see the movie, right? We're
not doing anything wrong."
Somehow Merton managed a weak grin in response, telling himself that he'd known
this was the way it was going to be when he'd gotten involved with Tommy.
Nobody could know, as far as the rest of the world was concerned they couldn't
be anything more than friends. That didn't make it any easier to sit next to
Tommy and pretend everything was fine, though, and it didn't make him any less
nervous about what his friends were going to say the next time he saw them. He
stole another glance toward the front of the theater, his heart skipping
another beat when he found Alistair still watching them. He held the blonde's
gaze for what felt like an eternity, only remembering to breathe when the
lights in the theater began to dim and Alistair turned back toward the movie
screen.
Finally the movie started and Merton relaxed marginally, sinking a little
further into his seat. He watched the preview for the next vintage film on the
theater's schedule without really registering it, his mind racing as he tried
to decide whether or not he should be worried about Alistair spotting him and
Tommy together. There was a time when he wouldn't have thought twice about it,
but they're weren't exactly friends anymore and he wasn't sure what that meant.
Then there was the question of what the news of their date would do to Tommy if
it got out; even if Tommy managed to convince his friends that he and Merton
was just friends he was pretty sure that would mean the end of anything between
them.
A frustrated sigh escaped his throat before he could stop it, and he felt Tommy
shift in the seat next to his. A moment later a hand landed on his thigh just
above his knee, and he swallowed convulsively as strong fingers squeezed in
what he guessed was supposed to be a comforting gesture. He reached down and
covered Tommy's hand with his own, partly to stop those wonderful fingers from
wandering any further and partly to feel the connection just for a second. He
expected Tommy to pull away the moment their hands touched, but instead the
taller boy twined their fingers together and glanced over at Merton. He could
barely make out Tommy's smile in the darkness, but it was enough to make Merton
forget all about Alistair and what was going to happen in January when they
went back to school.
He tried to pay attention to the movie, but no matter how hard he tried to
focus on the lame plot or the cheap special effects all he could think about
was the feeling of Tommy's hand in his. It was strange how something as simple
as holding hands could mean so much, he'd never thought about it before but
just that small touch was enough to make Alistair and the rest of the world
seem less important. The fact that Tommy was actually holding his hand in
public made it even more exciting; granted it was nearly pitch black in the
theater and he knew they'd have to let go before the lights came back up, but
he almost didn't mind. He wasn't sure he was going to be able to handle
sneaking around to see Tommy, but sitting next to him in the theater with their
fingers entwined convinced him that it was worth it.
As soon as the thought formed in his mind Tommy leaned toward him, his breath
warming Merton's neck as he whispered in his ear. "This is really bad."
Merton smiled in the darkness and turned instinctively in the direction of
Tommy's voice. "It's worse than I thought it would be. There's only one set and
the special effects are pathetic. Don't even get me started on the acting."
The sound of Tommy's soft laughter in the darkness sent a hot blush up Merton's
neck and into his cheeks, but he barely had a chance to register his body's
reaction to the sound before he felt Tommy's lips on the soft skin below his
ear. He barely managed to swallow a gasp as Tommy planted a series of kisses
along the column of his neck before he pulled his mouth away again. "So can we
get out of here?"
"I thought you'd never ask," Merton murmured as Tommy pulled his hand out of
Merton's grasp and stood up, urging the other boy out of his seat. Merton
ignored the rush of nerves that hit him as Tommy pushed him toward the exit,
feeling his way along the aisle in the darkness. Finally they found the door
and hurried across the lobby of the small theater, neither of them daring to
look at each other until they reached the car. Tommy slid into the passenger
seat as soon as Merton unlocked the door for him, reaching out and closing his
hand around Merton's wrist before he could start the car.
"You sure you don't mind leaving?" he asked, his expression so earnest that
Merton couldn't help laughing.
"No, Tommy, I don't mind." It was probably just as well considering Alistair
and his other friends were still inside, but he didn't bother pointing that out
to Tommy. "It was a dumb movie anyway."
Tommy grinned and pulled Merton toward him, leaning forward to press their lips
together. Merton responded eagerly, any thoughts of Alistair and what would
happen if the other boy followed them out of the theater forced to the back of
his mind as Tommy urged his lips apart. The confined space of the front seat
made the angle a little awkward, but somehow they managed to press most of
their torsos together. Merton buried his hands in the soft waves of Tommy's
hair, a muted gasp escaping his throat as Tommy's hands wandered under his coat
to trail across his stomach.
The urge to press himself even closer to Tommy was almost overwhelming; he
needed more and judging from the way Tommy clutched at his hips it was obvious
he did too, even if he wasn't sure exactly what it was he wanted. Merton
groaned low in his throat and tore his lips away from Tommy's, panting as he
trailed his fingers through the other boy's hair. Tommy's eyes were open but
they were dilated and he obviously wasn't focusing on anything in particular,
his lips still parted invitingly. Merton pulled away reluctantly and leaned
back against the driver's seat, closing his eyes as he willed his hormones back
under control.
"It's still early," Tommy said when he caught his breath, stretching his arm
across the back of the seat and letting his fingers brush Merton's collar.
"We could go back to my house," Merton offered, glancing hopefully over at
Tommy. "Unless you're tired. I mean if you just want to go home…"
"No, I like your house."
The words came out in a rush, and shock hit Merton at the same time as a surge
of hope that he had something to do with the look on Tommy's face. It was a
mixture of hope and awe, as though Tommy was somehow surprised that Merton had
invited him back to his place. It wasn't like it was the first time he'd been
there, but now that Merton thought about it Tommy had pretty much invited
himself over every time he'd been to Merton's house. He grinned and reached for
the keys, turning his attention back to driving as he started the car and
headed back to Pleasantville.
"My mom wants you to come over for dinner again," he said as casually as he
could manage, keeping his gaze locked on the road in front of him as he pointed
the car out of town. "If you want."
"Really? Yeah, I mean I like your parents. They're great."
Merton smiled and stole a glance at Tommy's profile, taking in the curve of his
jaw and the way his hair curled in fine wisps around his ears. He wanted to
pinch himself to make sure the past two months hadn't all been some weird
dream, but then again if it was a dream he never wanted to wake up. It would be
easier to believe that he'd somehow slipped into a coma and invented the past
two months than it was to believe that it was actually happening, yet there
Tommy right next to him. His hand was still resting on Merton's shoulder just
below his collar, and Merton could still feel the pressure of Tommy's mouth
crushing his. He reached up unconsciously and touched his lips, as much to
convince himself that he wasn't hallucinating as to memorize the way Tommy's
mouth felt against his.
As soon as he realized what he was doing he pulled his hand away, blushing in
the darkness of the car as he ventured another glance at Tommy to make sure the
other boy wasn't watching him. Tommy's eyes were closed again, his expression
peaceful as the motion of the car lulled him into relaxation. The only thing
letting Merton know that he wasn't asleep was the sensation of Tommy's fingers
moving at the base of his neck, tracing tiny circles against Merton's skin. He
relaxed a little further into the touch and forced himself to focus on the
road.
The trip back to his house felt twice as long as usual, but when he finally
pulled up to the curb and turned off the engine Tommy opened his eyes and
looked over at Merton. "You sure your parents don't mind if I keep showing up
like this?"
Merton grinned at Tommy's nervous expression and pulled the keys out of the
ignition before he answered. "Believe me, they don't mind. They think you're
great, I think they like you better than they like me. Besides, they might not
even be home. I thought I heard my mom say something about an event at the
university tonight."
"Oh." Tommy swallowed and cleared his throat before turning away from Merton,
yanking the passenger door open and letting himself out of the car. For a long
moment Merton sat in the car and watched him, frowning as he tried to convince
himself he was imagining things. Tommy wasn't actually nervous, was he? It
wasn't like he'd never been to Merton's house before, he knew Merton's whole
family. He played his last words over in his mind, realization slowly dawning
on him. He hadn't thought anything of it when he'd mentioned the fact that his
parents might be out, but obviously that meant something to Tommy.
Finally he marshaled his legs into action and pulled the door open, hurrying to
catch up with Tommy before he reached the front door. He figured he should say
something to reassure Tommy that he hadn't invited him over with any ulterior
motives in mind; it wasn't entirely true but he certainly wasn't interested in
rushing Tommy into anything he didn't want to do. He definitely preferred his
partners willing, but he got the feeling that it wasn't so much that Tommy
didn't want to as he wasn't sure how to begin. Thankfully for both of them
Merton had a little experience in that arena, and he flashed Tommy what he
hoped was a reassuring grin as they stopped at the front door.
"Listen, Tommy," he began, but the sound of footsteps on the sidewalk behind
them stopped him from continuing. They both looked back toward the street in
time to watch Merton's parents turn up the walkway toward them, and Merton
swallowed a sigh and forced himself to smile at his parents.
"You boys are back early," his mother said as she brushed past Merton to unlock
the door.
"Yeah, the movie was pretty bad," Tommy answered. "I hope it's okay if we hang
out here for awhile."
"Don't be silly," she said, glancing over her shoulder long enough to smile at
Tommy. "Merton's friends are always welcome. Are you hungry? I'm sure I can
come up with something…"
She kept up a running commentary as she disappeared in the direction of the
kitchen, Tommy on her heels. Merton stood in the doorway and watched the two of
them walk away, only remembering that his father was still standing behind him
when he heard a throat clear. He turned slowly, hoping his confusion and
disappointment wasn't written all over his face. "Hey, Dad. I thought you guys
were at some party."
"Just a cocktail party, they never run late," his father answered, smiling
sympathetically as he put his arm around Merton and steered him into the house.
When they reached the kitchen Tommy was already seated at the kitchen table, a
glass of milk in front of him as he watched Mrs. Dingle pull ingredients out of
the cupboards. Mr. Dingle smiled and pulled his coat off, dropping it over the
back of a chair as he began working on his tie. "Looks like she's already
working on her famous triple chocolate brownies."
"I still say she should have been a chef," Merton said as he sank into the
chair next to Tommy.
Mrs. Dingle smiled as she looked up from the chocolate she was melting.
"Getting paid to cook would take all the fun out of it. Besides, if I did this
for a living I'd never have time to feed my family, and I'm sure you'd get sick
of having your father's waffles for dinner every night after a few months."
"Good point." Merton glanced over at Tommy, some of the tension flowing out of
him as Tommy met his gaze and smiled.
"Tommy, if you're still interested in that tour of the campus I can take you
boys into the office with me tomorrow," Mr. Dingle said as he picked up his
discarded coat and jacket. "I've got some paperwork to catch up on but the
campus will be pretty well deserted this weekend, and I'm sure Merton wouldn't
mind showing you around."
Tommy glanced over at Merton, raising one eyebrow in a silent question. Merton
shrugged in answer, careful not to let his emotions show on his face. "It's up
to you," he said. "If you don't already have something going on."
"No, I mean that sounds great. Thanks," Tommy said as he turned back to Mr.
Dingle. "You sure it's okay?"
"No problem at all," the older man answered, patting Tommy on the shoulder
before he crossed to the kitchen door. As soon as he was gone Tommy turned back
to the table, catching Merton's eye and grinning nervously. Merton smiled back,
adrenaline flooding his veins at the thought of spending the whole day with
Tommy tomorrow. Suddenly he didn't mind so much that his parents had showed up
at exactly the wrong moment, not if it meant he got Tommy to himself for a
whole day.
***** Chapter 16 *****
"Alright, I'll be in my office, why don't you guys meet me there around
lunchtime and we'll go find something to eat," Merton's father said as he
parked in the faculty parking lot and turned to look at his son.
"Sure, Dad," Merton answered as they got out of the car. He glanced over at the
Physics building and then back at Tommy, struggling against the smile that was
threatening to form. Tommy was oblivious to anything he and his father had said
as he looked around the mall at the center of campus, his eyes wide as he took
in the sheer size of the area.
Merton waited until his father turned in the direction of the Physics building
before he walked over to Tommy, tugging gently on his sleeve to get his
attention. "Tommy? Anything in particular you wanted to see?"
He knew it was just a reflex, Tommy didn't even think as he reached out and
grabbed Merton's hand. Still, it was all Merton could do not to implode from
the sensation of Tommy holding his hand in public in broad daylight. Granted
there weren't many people around and no one was paying any attention to them,
but it was still mind-blowing to have Tommy reach for his hand like it was the
most natural thing in the world. As soon as Tommy realized what he'd done he
looked down at their entwined fingers, his eyes even wider and raw fear clear
in his expression. Merton stifled a sigh and squeezed Tommy's hand before he
let go, telling himself he knew better than to think they were just going to
wander around campus like a couple. They were still in Pleasantville, and there
was still a risk that they'd run into someone that knew Tommy.
"You want to start anywhere in particular?" Merton asked again, doing his best
not to let his disappointment show. Tommy was looking at him with a mixture of
relief and total misery, and he wasn't sure he'd be able to keep his cool if
they didn't find something to distract them fast. This definitely wasn't how he
planned to start their day together, but as long as they were together he was
going to make the most of it.
Tommy shrugged and shoved his hands in his pockets, glancing around at the sea
of buildings surrounding them. "Not really. I mean I'm not really sure where to
start. I've never done this before."
Merton grinned and nodded in the direction of the student union, his own hands
securely in his pockets so he wouldn't be tempted to touch Tommy again. "That's
the student union, you wanna go look around? I mean they'll show you some of
this stuff at orientation too but at least it's warm in there."
"Yeah, sure," Tommy answered, although he didn't sound like he was really
interested in where they were going. Merton stole a curious glance at the other
boy but Tommy seemed to be having a staring contest with the sidewalk in front
of him, and Merton couldn't help wondering if things were getting too intense
for him already. They hadn't even done anything, not really, but if a single
touch at the wrong time was going to throw Tommy off this much then Merton was
going to have to brace himself for their relationship to be over before it even
started.
If he could call what they had a relationship – he wasn't sure what it was they
were doing, but he wasn't about to ask Tommy. For one thing, he was starting to
think that Tommy was even more confused than he was, and for another he didn't
want to ruin what they had by forcing Tommy to talk about it. He might not be
the Golden Boy everyone at school saw him as, but Tommy was still most
definitely a guy and from what Merton knew about him so far he wasn't much of a
talker. Lori seemed to know a lot about him, though, which meant that Tommy
talked to her, at least about some things. He smiled to himself as he wondered
what Tommy would tell her when she got back from Switzerland, whether there
would be anything to tell besides a few kisses and a lot of awkward silence.
"What?"
Merton glanced up sharply as he realized he was still smiling, meeting Tommy's
gaze and doing his best to force his expression back to neutral. "Nothing. I
was just…you know if you want we could stop by whatever programs you're
interested in and pick up some materials. Any idea what you want to major in?"
"I told you already," Tommy said, confusion marring his features. "Sports
medicine or mass communication."
"Yeah, I know what your dad wants you to major in," Merton said, swallowing a
surge of nervous tension as he wondered if Tommy would consider what he was
about to say as crossing some kind of line. "That doesn't mean you have to do
it. You can do whatever you want with your life, Tommy. It's your future."
He wasn't sure how he'd expected Tommy to react, but as soon as he closed his
mouth he stole another glance at the taller boy to find him smiling sadly and
shaking his head. "It doesn't work that way for everybody, Merton. I mean yeah,
your parents are great and they let you live your life. I'm just lucky my dad's
letting me go to college at all after what my brother did."
They stopped in front of the student union and Merton reached for the door,
struggling not to react to the feeling of Tommy's body heat radiating off him
as the other boy stopped just behind him. He knew if he just leaned back a
little he'd be pressed against Tommy's chest, and he couldn't help wishing he
could just do it without thinking about the consequences. There was no way he
could, though; Tommy was already somebody on campus before he even enrolled
there and if the coach or any of the team happened by it would ruin everything
Tommy had worked for.
Merton swallowed against twin surges of fear and desire, wondering idly when
those two emotions had become more or less the same feeling. He pulled the door
open and stepped inside, putting as much distance between himself and Tommy as
he could without making it obvious that he was having trouble controlling
himself. Tommy was already looking around the lounge area, though, taking in
the rows of overstuffed chairs and couches where a handful of students were
studying or sleeping.
"This is pretty much self-explanatory," Merton said, gesturing toward the
seating area. "There are restaurants and vending machines downstairs, tables
too if you don't want to run the risk of falling asleep while you're trying to
study. Campus information's over there." He pointed at the kiosk in the center
of the room, where a very bored-looking student was sitting behind rows of
campus maps and bus schedules.
"What's upstairs?" Tommy asked, glancing in the direction of the stairs leading
to the third floor.
Merton shrugged and turned toward the stairs, suddenly wishing Lori hadn't told
him anything about Tommy or his family. He knew Tommy was wondering why he
hadn't asked what happened with his brother, he wasn't supposed to know but
he'd never been much of an actor. Maybe he should have just asked and let Tommy
tell him the story again, but they hadn't even been on campus half an hour and
things were already getting tense between them. After last night he'd hoped
they could just forget about real life for awhile and enjoy spending time
together, but he was starting to wonder if it was possible to escape their
reality even for a few minutes.
"Mostly there are just offices up here," Merton said as they climbed the
stairs. When they reached the third floor he stopped and glanced down the hall,
his heart in his throat as he realized they were the only ones up there.
"Student organizations, I think. There's a dining room at the other end for big
events, we had an awards night in there for a summer program I did on campus
last year. It's pretty much deserted during finals week, though."
"So there's nobody up here?" Tommy asked, taking a few steps closer to Merton
as he glanced down the hall to make sure they really were alone.
"I guess someone could be in one of the offices," Merton answered, his voice
trailing off as Tommy closed a hand around his arm and pushed him back toward
the stairwell. His heart began to pound against his ribcage as they stopped in
the shadowy recess just next to the entrance to the stairs, his gaze darting
down the hall again as he realized that anyone coming out of one of the offices
could still see them. He opened his mouth to tell Tommy that this was a
dangerous idea, but when he looked at the other boy again Tommy was leaning
back against the wall with his eyes closed. Merton's stomach flipped and he
forgot about the possibility of someone seeing them, his heart in his throat as
he leaned on the wall next to Tommy and reached out to touch his arm.
This time when Tommy caught his hand Merton let him, entwining their fingers
together as Tommy opened his eyes to look over at him. He let Tommy pull him
forward, his free hand landing on the taller boy's chest as Tommy leaned
forward and fused their lips together. He parted his lips under the insistent
urging of Tommy's tongue, sighing into the kiss as he tasted Tommy for the
first time that day. He didn't think it was possible to miss someone's touch in
just twelve hours, but as soon as their lips met he realized how much he'd
missed kissing Tommy.
A strong hand landed on his hip and a moment later he found himself flattened
against the wall, grateful for Tommy's body pressed against his. He was sure
the welcome weight of the taller boy pressing him into the wall was the only
thing keeping him standing, and he pulled his hand out of Tommy's to slide his
arms around Tommy's back. His hands found their way to the taller boy's hair,
gripping the back of Tommy's head as he urged him even closer. He could feel
how much Tommy wanted him as their hips ground together, and he wanted to laugh
and cry and thank whatever higher power had given him this moment, even if it
was all he ever got of Tommy.
He knew the situation could easily get out of hand, but even the thought of
someone catching them turned him on and he found himself pulling Tommy closer
instead of pushing him away. Their tongues slid together as Tommy's hands
wandered under his shirt to stroke his stomach, evoking a muffled gasp from
Merton as his hips bucked up. Tommy tore his mouth away from the other boy's
and slowly pulled his hand away from Merton's stomach, their bodies still
pressed together as he dropped his head to Merton's shoulder and panted for
breath.
"Sorry," he mumbled, and he sounded so miserable that Merton wasn't sure
whether to be mad at him for stopping or mad at himself for letting it get that
far. He let his hand fall away from Tommy's hair, reaching up to cup the other
boy's cheek. Tommy still didn't open his eyes, but Merton decided to take it as
a sign that they hadn't just ruined everything when Tommy turned his face into
the touch.
"It's okay," Merton said, doing his best to keep his voice even as his
breathing slowly returned to normal. He knew he was going to spend the rest of
the day distracted and uncomfortable, and he had the feeling that Tommy would
be in pretty much the same boat. Part of him wanted to just forge ahead and
take the edge off right there in the hallway or at the very least find a
bathroom somewhere, but as much as he wanted him the thought of suggesting to
Tommy that their first time take place in a bathroom didn't appeal to him.
"Just bad timing."
Finally Tommy opened his eyes and Merton let out a breath he hadn't realized
he'd been holding, smiling gently as Tommy's mouth twitched in a sheepish grin.
Before he had a chance to talk himself out of it Merton leaned forward,
brushing the other boy's lips with his again before he reluctantly pulled away.
He wasn't sure how he was going to get through the rest of the tour, let alone
lunch with his father. All he wanted to do was take Tommy home and lock them in
his bedroom, to finally get some privacy so they could take their time and see
where things went. He had a pretty good idea where things would go if they
stayed pressed together against the wall for much longer, though, so he gently
pushed Tommy off him and readjusted his shirt as he turned back toward the
stairs.
He didn't look at Tommy again until they were back outside, thankful for the
cold winter air as it hit his fevered skin. He left his jacket open as his body
temperature slowly dropped, his hands in his pockets again as he looked over at
Tommy. The other boy's lips were still swollen and his eyes looked a little
glassy, and Merton stifled a groan and looked away again as they started down
the sidewalk toward the medical school. "Sports medicine is over here, I
think," Merton said, gesturing in the direction of a tall building at the end
of the block.
Tommy nodded mutely and fell into step beside him, stealing nervous glances at
Merton every so often as they made their way down the nearly deserted sidewalk.
It was all Merton could do not to stop and force Tommy to look at him, but he
knew if he did that he'd just end up kissing him again instead of reassuring
Tommy that everything was fine. The first time they kissed he'd been fairly
sure that it was Tommy's first time kissing a guy, but he'd never really given
much thought to what the other boy's relative inexperience meant for them. It
helped that Tommy was enthusiastic, but seeing Tommy Dawkins unsure about
anything was more than a little unsettling.
"What happened with your brother?" Merton asked suddenly, wincing at the
desperate tone of his voice but hopeful that the change of subject would ease
the tension between them a little.
This time when Tommy looked at him Merton met his gaze, his heart skipping a
beat when Tommy smiled at him. "My brother used to be the big football star,"
he said, his smile fading as soon as he started talking about his family.
"Before I even started high school he was the star quarterback, everybody's
idea of the all-American dream, you know? My dad…I swear he didn't even know I
existed until Dean blew it. He never talked to me, never even looked at me
before Dean went to college. Sometimes I miss that." He stopped talking and
glanced over at Merton, smiling at the shock Merton didn't quite manage to keep
from showing in his eyes.
"I know how that sounds, believe me. I mean when I was a kid all I wanted was
for my dad to notice me, just to stop obsessing about Dean for long enough to
realize he had another kid. He didn't, though, not until Dean got busted for
possession and failed out of school. After that my dad finally noticed that I
was doing okay in JV football, I guess he figured I was his last shot at having
a pro in the family."
Merton swallowed hard against the lump of anger threatening to choke him; anger
at Tommy's father for being such a bastard, and at his brother for making such
a mess of things that Tommy didn't get to choose his own future. A tiny part of
him that he didn't want to acknowledge was even a little mad at Tommy for not
standing up for himself and telling his father to go to hell. "So your brother
screwed up and that means you have to make up for his mistakes?"
Tommy shrugged and stopped walking, ignoring the cold as he leaned against the
wall of the medical building and looked at Merton. "Pretty much. It's not so
bad, I mean I get to go to college at least. I'm lucky the coach here wanted me
on the team bad enough to give me a scholarship, otherwise I'd be working in
the garage where my dad works when I graduated."
It took a second for Merton to shake off the image of Tommy sweaty and grease-
smeared as he rebuilt somebody's engine, but as soon as he did he realized what
Tommy was telling him. Whether Merton understood it or not Tommy didn't have a
lot of choices, and he was aware enough of that to be grateful for the chance
to go to college at all. He forced himself to smile as casually as he could
manage and took a few steps backwards in the direction of the medical building.
"Alright, Sports Medicine it is, then," he said, a genuine smile tugging at his
mouth when Tommy grinned at him and pushed himself off the wall.
They spent the rest of the morning wandering around campus, although whether or
not Tommy actually got anything out of what passed for a tour Merton wasn't
sure. He couldn't bring himself to care, though; the fact was that they were
together and that was enough for him. He didn't get another chance to touch
Tommy after what happened in the student union, but he was pretty sure that was
a good thing. Despite the fact that it was cold enough to snow he still felt
too warm just standing next to Tommy, and if they touched again before they
were alone he wasn't sure if he'd be able to stop himself.
Just the knowledge that Tommy wanted him enough to risk almost losing control
in a public hallway was enough to make his jeans painfully tight, and he did
his best not to think about it as they made their way back to the Physics
building to meet his father. They were halfway up the stairs to the third floor
when Tommy stopped him, his hand on Merton's arm as he turned the smaller boy
to face him.
"I just wanted to say thanks," Tommy said, his gaze shifting nervously from
Merton's face to his chest. "You know, for doing this. I know your dad kinda
volunteered you."
Merton's eyes widened as he listened to Tommy talk, and he found himself
wondering how Tommy could think that Merton wouldn't give his right arm for any
excuse to spend time with him. He wasn't even sure what to say, even if he
wanted to tell Tommy how he felt about him he didn't think he could put it into
words. He didn't even know himself, although he was starting to get the feeling
that he was in over his head. "It was no problem, Tommy," he finally said,
wincing as his voice caught in his throat. "It might have been a waste of your
time, though. I mean they show you all this stuff at orientation, and it's not
like I really know what I'm talking about."
"You know a lot more than me," Tommy said, and suddenly Merton wasn't sure if
they were talking about campus anymore. The way Tommy looked at him when he
said the words sent a shiver straight down his spine, and before he could stop
himself he leaned forward and fused their lips together. Tommy groaned and slid
his arms around Merton's waist, nearly pulling the other boy off the step he
was standing on in his urgency to get closer. All Merton could do was hold on
and hope that nobody happened to open the door to the stairwell, not that he
was sure he'd be able to stop even if they did.
If Tommy was thinking at all about getting caught he wasn't showing it; in fact
as far as Merton could tell he was too busy working on defying several laws of
Physics to worry about who might catch them. He couldn't help smiling at the
randomness of the thought, wrapping his arms a little more tightly around
Tommy's neck as he kissed him with as much enthusiasm as he'd ever done
anything in his life. When they finally came up for air again Tommy smiled and
released his vice grip on Merton's waist, clearing his throat as he took a step
backwards and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.
"For the record," Merton said as he leaned against the wall and waited for his
knees to stop wobbling, "I wanted to do this. Show you around, I mean." He
blushed and looked away as he realized what he'd said, only to blush even
harder when Tommy chuckled and moved a little closer.
"Well thanks again," Tommy said, his breath hitting Merton's neck and sending
another shiver down his spine. Merton stifled a sigh as Tommy's lips brushed
his neck just below his ear, forcing his legs to carry him up the stairs when
Tommy pulled away again. He'd never looked forward less to seeing one of his
parents, but the thought of sitting through a meal with his father while he
could still feel Tommy's mouth on his neck was torture enough. He had no idea
how he was going to sit at the same table as Tommy and act normal, let alone
carry on a conversation. He took a deep breath and willed himself not to even
glance at Tommy as he led the way to his father's office, praying that at least
his father wouldn't notice how distracted he was.
***** Chapter 17 *****
"Any plans for today?" Merton's mother asked as she scanned the headlines of
the paper.
Merton scowled into his breakfast without bothering to look up. He didn't need
anyone reminding him of the fact that not only did he not have plans for the
day, but he hadn't heard a word from Tommy since they spent the day together at
the University. After lunch his father had driven them home, but Tommy couldn't
stay for the rest of the afternoon and since then he hadn't heard a word. He'd
spent the past two days replaying everything that happened that day, trying to
come up with the moment when Tommy decided that whatever they were doing wasn't
worth the risk.
"Merton, honey? You feeling alright?"
"I'm fine," he answered, shrugging away from his mother's hand as she reached
out to feel his forehead. "I've got some research to do today for an English
paper."
She pulled her hand back and stood up, reaching for Merton's plate. "Homework
during the first week of your vacation?"
"Might as well get it over with," Merton said. He didn't bother to add that he
didn't have anything else to do, he was pretty sure she was just dying for him
to mention Tommy and he really didn't want to have that conversation. He still
didn't know what his parents thought of his friendship with Tommy, but he was
pretty sure he didn't want to know. The less he had to think about it, in fact,
the easier it would be when he had to go back to school and pretend nothing had
happened between them.
That was the thought that had been keeping him awake at night; the idea of
getting back to school in January and having Tommy pretend they didn't know
each other. He knew he was probably overreacting, but every day that passed
without hearing from him made Merton a little more nervous. Eventually he'd
resigned himself to the fact that Tommy had probably just changed his mind,
that he'd decided he didn't really like Merton or it wasn't worth having to
sneak around to see each other. None of those things fell into the category of
subjects he wanted to discuss with his mother, though, so he prayed she'd just
let it go as he stood up and carried his juice glass to the sink.
"Is there anything you want to talk about?" his mother asked, evoking a
frustrated groan from Merton as he turned to face her. Obviously she wasn't
planning to let it go after all, but at least she hadn't come right out and
asked about Tommy. He had no idea if he'd be able to hide his misery if either
of his parents forced him to talk about Tommy, at least if they didn't mention
him Merton could just pretend he was preoccupied with homework.
He forced himself to smile, hoping his expression passed for cheerful. "Nothing
to talk about, Mom." He could see her grasping for some other way to ask him
the same question as she frowned at him, and he brushed past her toward the
entrance to the kitchen before she came up with a new way to ask him what was
wrong. Before he made it out of the line of fire the door swung in, and he
stifled a groan as he found himself face to face with his father.
"Morning," Mr. Dingle said, his smile fading as he glanced over at his wife and
then back at Merton. He could tell by his dad's expression that he was about to
ask the same question his mother had been asking him all morning, and he inched
a little closer to the door in the vain hope that he'd make it out of the
kitchen before his parents started in on him. "Merton, I saw your friend Tommy
yesterday."
Merton froze with his hand on the door, taking a deep breath before he turned
back to face his father. The older man was sitting at the kitchen table
already, a cup of coffee next to him as he unfolded the paper. He hadn't looked
up at Merton yet, but it was obvious from the way he pointedly ignored his son
that he was just waiting for Merton to ask what he was talking about. "Where?"
Merton asked, his mind racing as he wondered where his father would have run
into Tommy.
His father took his time answering, slowing turning the page he was reading and
picking up his coffee before he looked up again. "He changed the oil in the
Volvo," he finally said, his eyebrows raised as he looked over at his son. "I
had no idea he worked with his father."
That was news to Merton too; Tommy had mentioned that it was what he'd be doing
if he didn't go to college, but it had never dawned on him that Tommy might
have to work there over break. He couldn't help wondering why Tommy hadn't
mentioned that to him while they were together on Saturday, but they hadn't
really spent a lot of time talking about their plans for break. In fact they
never really talked about the next time they'd see each other, Tommy would just
show up out of nowhere and assume that Merton didn't have anything better to
do. He felt a surge of resentment creeping up and he shook it off, reminding
himself that it was just as much his fault that their relationship didn't make
any sense.
He never asked Tommy what they were doing, he wasn't good at talking about
those kinds of things. He hadn't been any good at it in the one other
relationship he'd been in either, if he could even call it that. A heavy sigh
escaped his throat before he could stop it, and he looked up again to find both
his parents staring at him. "You didn't talk to him, did you?"
As soon as he saw his father's reaction to the question he regretting asking
it, but the thought of his father trying to talk to Tommy right in front of
Tommy's dad was more than a little unsettling. Not that Merton's father knew
anything, at least he hadn't said anything if he suspected there was something
going on between the two of them. Still, even the fact that Tommy and Merton
were friends could cause Tommy problems at home. For all Merton knew Tommy
wasn't even supposed to talk to anyone that wasn't on the football team, and if
his father found out that Tommy was spending time with him he might decide
Tommy had too much free time on his hands and find something else to keep him
busy.
Panic flooded him suddenly as he wondered if that was what happened to keep
Tommy from coming over or even calling all week. If someone that knew his
father had seen them together on campus, his father might have decided that it
was best to keep Tommy busy so he didn't have time for new friends. Maybe he
even told Tommy that he couldn't spend time with Merton, that hanging out with
one of the smart kids was bad for his image and he had a football career to
think about.
His father cleared his throat and Merton blinked, his face flushing as he
realized he'd been staring at the older man for a full minute. "I said hello to
him," Mr. Dingle finally said, his tone telling Merton that he was about to ask
a question Merton didn't want to answer. "He wasn't exactly in a position to
have a conversation while he worked on the car. Why would it matter if I spoke
to him?"
"It wouldn't," Merton answered automatically, dropping his gaze to the linoleum
as a wave of humiliation washed over him. He didn't want his father to think he
was embarrassed by him, but he didn't want to admit why talking to Tommy in
front of other people was a bad idea. Maybe his parents already knew anyway,
they certainly looked like they knew something. The only problem was that
Merton wasn't sure he wanted to know what they were thinking. "Just forget I
said anything."
"Merton, honey," his mother said as she sank into the chair next to his father,
"you know you can come to us. About anything."
He rolled his eyes, not bothering to check a groan this time. "There's nothing
to talk about," he said for what felt like the hundredth time that morning,
avoiding both their gazes as he turned back toward the door. "I've gotta go
work on my English homework."
When he reached his room he shut the door and leaned against it, closing his
eyes and praying neither of them would follow him. He listened for the sound of
footsteps in the hall, finally relaxing a little when he was met with silence.
Slowly he pushed himself off the door and made his way over to his desk,
slumping into his chair and turning on his computer. He knew he wasn't going to
be able to concentrate on his English paper, but he could distract himself by
doing some research online and maybe he wouldn't waste his entire day trying to
figure out what was going on with Tommy.
This wasn't the way his year was supposed to go; he was supposed to focus on
school, keep his grades up and graduate with honors. After that he'd leave
Pleasantville behind and high school would just be one long, bad memory,
something he could push to the back of his mind and never think about again.
Only Tommy had to come along at the worst possible time, and he had to develop
an interest in Merton. If Tommy had just left well enough alone he wouldn't be
in this mess, but obviously the other boy had been looking for someone to
experiment with. That had to be it; Tommy chose him because he knew Merton
wouldn't say anything, and there was no way Merton would have been able to
resist him.
Only that wasn't how it felt when they were together, when they were alone and
Tommy held his hand or even just put an arm around him while they watched a
movie. That wasn't how it felt when they kissed, and sometimes Merton even
found himself wondering if Tommy wanted to get caught. He took risks that
surprised Merton, like kissing him in school or wanting to go to the movies
where they could run into anyone they knew.
The whole situation was way too confusing, and he knew he was never going to be
able to figure it out. When they were together he got the feeling that Tommy
really liked him, more than just experimenting with someone he knew he could
trust. They were apart a lot more than they were together, though, and that
gave Merton way too much time to obsess about what was going on in Tommy's
head. He didn't want to worry about it; he didn't want to care so much whether
or not Tommy really liked him or if he was just playing some kind of game.
There was no way he could stop it, though. Whether he liked it or not, he was
in way over his head when it came to Tommy Dawkins.
~
The sound of the doorbell jolted Merton out of an uneasy sleep, and he pushed
himself off his bed and blinked as he struggled to get his bearings. He
remembered vaguely his parents leaving for the day, and he remembered finally
giving up on the pretense of studying and throwing himself down on his bed. He
hadn't meant to fall asleep, but he hadn't really been sleeping well since the
weekend and he must have nodded off.
When the doorbell rang again he remembered what had woken him up, and he pushed
himself off the bed and shivered against the chill in his bedroom. He grabbed a
black button-down to pull over his Cure T-shirt and pulled his bedroom door
open, rubbing his eyes as he made his way to the front door. When he pulled it
open and realized who was standing on his doorstep he paled, his hands
smoothing his hair back as he wondered how bad he looked.
"Hey," Tommy said, his hands in the pockets of his jeans as he looked Merton up
and down. "Can I come in?"
"Yeah, sorry," Merton muttered, standing aside to let Tommy brush past him. He
steeled himself against the scent of fabric softener and worn leather, wishing
Tommy didn't look quite so good in his letterman jacket. "What are you doing
here?"
When he shut the door and turned back to Tommy he swallowed hard, instantly
regretting the question. Tommy was staring at the floor, his shoulders slumped
and one hand clasped behind his neck. "I just wanted to see you," he said,
finally looking up at Merton with eyes so full of regret that Merton had to
remind himself to breathe. "I guess your dad told you he saw me."
"Yeah," Merton admitted, wrapping his arms around his chest as he tried to
decide whether Tommy was there to apologize or because he really wanted to see
him.
"My dad decided I should spend my free time doing something constructive."
Merton watched as Tommy slid his letterman jacket off and tossed it on the
bench in the foyer, his heart skipping a beat as he realized that the other boy
planned on staying awhile. "I wanted to come over sooner, but he's been a
complete psycho about letting me out lately."
Merton opened his mouth to remind Tommy that they did have a phone in his
house, and that Tommy could have called if he couldn't come over. As soon as he
realized what he was doing he snapped his jaw shut again, biting the insides of
his cheeks to keep from saying anything stupid. This thing between them wasn't
any kind of commitment, they hadn't laid out any rules and Tommy didn't even
owe him a phone call. He'd gone into it with his eyes wide open, and if he
wanted it to keep going he was going to have to find a way to deal with it.
"It's alright, Tommy. You don't owe me an explanation."
He wasn't sure what Tommy had expected him to say, but he knew that was the
wrong response when he watched Tommy's eyes cloud. A second later the other boy
blinked and whatever Merton had seen in his eyes was gone, but he could see
that Tommy was struggling not to say whatever was on his mind. He stifled a
sigh and wished not for the first time that he was better at these kinds of
things, taking a few steps forward and reaching out to flatten his palm against
Tommy's chest. He kept his gaze locked on his hand, willing his fingers not to
shake as he breathed in Tommy's scent. "I'm glad you're here," he said, his
voice barely a whisper.
A strong hand came up to cover his, long fingers dwarfing his own as Tommy's
other hand landed on his hip and pulled him forward. He had a split second to
register the feeling of being pressed against Tommy again before the other
boy's lips were moving against his, and Merton sighed into the kiss and slid
his free hand behind Tommy's neck to urge him even closer. A few hours ago he'd
assumed that this was never going to happen again, that for some reason Tommy
had changed his mind and gone back to life without Merton in it. He wondered
vaguely if he was still asleep and dreaming Tommy standing in his foyer kissing
him for all he was worth, but he could feel Tommy's heart racing under his palm
and he could sense the hesitation in the other boy's kiss.
When they finally had to part for air Tommy let go of Merton's hand to trail
his fingers through the other boy's hair, a crooked grin lighting up his
features as he met Merton's slightly dazed expression. "Did I wake you up?"
"What makes you think that?" Merton asked, his stomach flipping at the
mischievous spark in Tommy's eyes.
"I've never seen your hair less than perfect, for one," Tommy answered, strong
fingers trailing through spikes that stuck out at even more crazy angles than
usual. He leaned forward again and nuzzled Merton's neck, sending a shiver down
the other boy's spine as soft lips brushed across his skin. "Plus you smell
like sleep."
Merton grinned sheepishly when Tommy pulled back, his fears about Tommy not
wanting to see him anymore replaced by a different kind of nervousness. "I
guess I sorta fell asleep," he admitted. "I was trying to study and I got
bored."
"You got bored studying?" Tommy's lips quirked into a teasing grin, his
eyebrows raised skeptically. "Now there's something I never thought I'd hear."
"Trust me, if you'd ever tried to read 'Beowulf' you'd know why," Merton
answered, pulling away from Tommy to back toward the family room. "You wanna
watch a movie or something? I just got 'Hellraiser' on DVD."
"Pinhead, one of my favorite bad guys," Tommy said, grinning indulgently as he
followed Merton into the family room and took a seat at the end of the couch.
Merton took his time putting the movie in, willing his body back under control
before he turned back to Tommy. As soon as he did he knew he was fighting a
losing battle; the mere sight of Tommy leaning back against the couch cushions
made him instantly hard. He cursed his rampant hormones and hoped Tommy
wouldn't notice, sinking down onto the couch and letting Tommy pull him back
against the taller boy's shoulder.
"How'd you get out of working today?" Merton asked, keeping his gaze carefully
focused on the screen as the opening credits began to roll.
The body underneath him shifted and he felt Tommy's lips brush his temple,
stifling a contented sigh as the arm around his shoulders tightened. "They're
really slow right now," Tommy answered, his breath warming Merton's cheek and
sending a jolt of pleasure down his spine to center at his groin. "The only
thing I did yesterday was change your dad's oil. The manager won't pay me to
just hang around doing nothing, he's already got the full-time mechanics not
doing anything. So my dad didn't make me go in with him."
Merton spared a moment to thank whoever was listening for the lack of
mechanical emergencies in Pleasantville and settled a little further into
Tommy. He had a lot to be thankful for if he stopped to think about it; his
sister was spending most of her break at a friend's house, for one thing, and
then there was the fact that his parents were both going to be on campus until
dinner. That meant that he and Tommy had the entire house to themselves for the
rest of the day, and it was barely lunch time.
"You wanna stay for dinner?" he asked, smiling to himself at the thought of
spending the whole day with Tommy. "If you don't think your dad'll freak."
"I heard him and the guys at the shop say something about going out drinking
tonight," Tommy said. "So he won't even be home until late, and he'll probably
be too out of it to notice whether I'm there or not."
Merton's smile faltered at the thought of Tommy's dad coming home drunk, but he
decided to look at it as a good thing. At least that meant Tommy didn't have to
hurry home before his dad got off of work, and it meant they had the entire
afternoon to themselves to do whatever came to mind. He turned his attention
back to the movie, watching the familiar images unfold before him without
really seeing them. He was much more interested in focusing on the way Tommy's
arm felt around him, and the fact that they were stretched out on the couch
like an actual couple.
He shifted as carefully as possible and swung one leg over Tommy's, his heart
skipping a beat as he waited for Tommy to ask him what he was doing. For a
second Tommy tensed against him, but before Merton had a chance to worry he
relaxed again and kicked his shoes off. Merton reached up and entwined his
fingers with the hand that was resting on his shoulder, smiling contentedly as
Tommy squeezed his hand. It was going to be an interesting day, he decided as
he settled in to watch the movie.
***** Chapter 18 *****
I could definitely get used to this, Merton thought as Tommy shifted into a
more comfortable position on the couch. Of course he knew he wouldn't really
have a chance to get used to it considering the fact that this was the first
time they'd really found themselves alone together, but it was still a nice
thought. He stifled a sigh and turned to look at Tommy, careful not to put his
weight on any sensitive body parts as the other boy looked down at him.
"You want anything to eat or anything?" Part of him hoped that Tommy would say
no, just so he wouldn't have to leave the other boy's warmth even for the few
minutes it would take to fix them something to eat.
To his relief Tommy shook his head, the hand that had been resting on Merton's
shoulder trailing down his back as he shifted his weight so they were more or
less face to face. "No, I'm good," Tommy murmured. Merton couldn't help smiling
at the implication of the statement; he certainly wasn't inclined to disagree,
but the fact that Tommy was steadily inching toward him tempered his amusement
a little. Not that he was nervous exactly, but the fact remained that this
really was the first time they'd been alone together with no chance of
interruption.
The first brush of lips on lips sent a shiver of anticipation down his spine,
but the angle was a little awkward so he turned even further into the body
pressed against his. The shift brought them flush against one another on the
couch, and Merton groaned against Tommy's mouth and wrapped his arms around the
other boy's neck. He wasn't sure if Tommy had intended things to intensify this
fast, or even if he'd thought at all about what might happen if they stayed
tangled together on the couch for much longer. Whether or not the possibilities
had occurred to him Tommy wasn't complaining, and before he knew what was
happening he found himself pressed into the couch cushions with Tommy on top of
him.
He thrust up automatically, hands wandering over every part of Tommy he could
reach as he tried to pull him closer. Tommy's weight was solid and reassuring
against him as they found a rhythm, mouths and tongues and limbs sliding
together. And Tommy was stronger than he'd even realized, if the muscles
straining in his arms and shoulders were any indication. He wondered idly how
much effort it would take for Tommy to snap his wrist or crush the bones of his
hand, but the thought didn't come with the usual rush of fear that it did when
he was wondering the same thing about Tim or Travis. In fact he felt safer than
he ever had in his life with Tommy stretched out on top of him, his hips
rolling against Merton's and their mouths moving together as Tommy tried
desperately to get just a little more.
The thought that Tommy might not even know what 'more' was exactly made Merton
smile against the other boy's mouth, a rush of not quite fear rolling through
him as he realized that he was the one with all the experience in the
situation. Never in his life had he been more enthusiastic about teaching
someone, although he wasn't sure he'd be able to slow Tommy down long enough to
get control of the situation. Not this time, maybe, but there would be other
times. That knowledge sent a surge of lust to his extremities and he thrust up
convulsively, his hardness flush against Tommy's through the denim covering
both their groins.
Clothes. Now there was a thought, and they were definitely wearing far too many
so Merton shifted minutely to free one arm and began rectifying the situation.
He slid one shaking hand under Tommy's shirt, smiling at the flash of tension
and the shiver that rolled through the body on top of him as bare flesh made
contact with bare flesh. Encouraged, he began working the cotton over Tommy's
broad shoulders, inhaling a sharp breath as it hit him that this was his. Maybe
not forever and maybe not even after today, but for right now Tommy was his and
he was perfect. Everything about him was perfect, from the crooked smile to the
quiet strength to the smooth expanses of skin stretched over taut muscle.
The whole time Tommy's mouth moved frantically against his, bruising his lips
and sending shivers of want and near-desperate need through his system.
"Tommy," he gasped, tearing his mouth away from the mouth that seemed intent on
devouring him whole. "Tommy, wait, I want…"
The second he said the word 'wait' Tommy's eyes snapped open, and he saw the
lust-crazed daze shift to confusion and then panicked humiliation as Tommy
began to pull away. Merton cursed his bad habit of not thinking before he
opened his mouth and tightened his grip on Tommy's arm, holding the much
stronger boy close by sheer force of will. He smiled almost shyly at Tommy's
confusion and tugged at the shirt that was already halfway up the other boy's
chest. "I just want you to take your shirt off."
Tommy's eyes widened in stunned comprehension, and he hesitated only long
enough to yank his shirt over his head. As soon as it hit the floor he dove for
Merton's lips again, strong hands pushing the button-down Merton was wearing as
far down his shoulders as it would go while Merton was trapped underneath him.
It was all Merton could do not to laugh at the frustrated growl that escaped
Tommy's throat, and he let himself be hauled into a half-sitting position long
enough to pull the shirt off. Before he even let go of it his tee shirt was
over his head and Tommy was pulling him forward again. He had to swallow a
near-hysterical sob of relief as their bare skin finally made contact, his
palms flat against Tommy's back as he memorized the planes and angles of the
other boy's body.
It was so much better than he'd ever imagined just to touch Tommy, even if they
were still in the realm of just making out. Only he knew it wouldn't stop
there, not today and if he had anything to say about it not ever. Before Tommy
Dawkins his future had been clear; a series of goals that would lead him to a
career in higher education and a nice, comfortable, safe life. From the first
moment he tasted Tommy, though – from the moment he felt the evidence of how
much Tommy wanted him pressing into his thigh – every goal he'd laid out for
himself was secondary to touching Tommy, tasting him or even just holding his
hand in a dark movie theater.
And he was so far beyond screwed because this wasn't supposed to happen; he
wasn't supposed to have feelings for someone he could only have in secret and
only for a few more months. There was no denying it, though, not from the first
second Tommy had pulled Tim and Travis off him and flat-out asked Merton if he
was gay. Maybe it was the way he'd asked the question with no trace of malice,
just naïve curiosity and maybe, just maybe a hint of hope. It had taken him
less than a minute to step over the cliff and now he was falling, he'd been
falling for weeks and he knew when he finally hit the ground again there was no
getting back up.
Something like a whimper escaped Tommy's throat as he tore his mouth away from
Merton's and buried his face in the crook of the other boy's shoulder, and
Merton recognized the sound as easily as he knew from Tommy's frantic movements
what was wrong. Somehow he managed to work a hand between them without
interrupting Tommy's thrusts, splaying his fingers across the heat emanating
from Tommy's groin.
"Oh…god," Tommy moaned against his neck, his hips moving impossibly faster
against the increased pressure of Merton's grip. Another hand worked its way
between them to work Tommy's waistband open, and Merton smiled fondly at the
groan of frustrated desire that escaped Tommy's throat. Working Tommy's zipper
down proved a little challenging but he finally managed to slip a hand into the
other boy's jeans, his own body begging for release as he closed his hand
around the other boy's length. He knew better than to think Tommy's brain was
functioning enough to suggest to him that he reciprocate, and he could tell by
the tightening of Tommy's balls the second he made contact that he was right on
the edge of release.
Feathery, soothing kisses dotted Tommy's collarbone and neck as Merton closed
his hand around the base of Tommy's erection and applied just enough pressure
to bring him back from the edge. He could practically feel the sob rising in
Tommy's body as it begged for just a little more, just enough to bring him to
completion. And he knew that feeling just as well as he knew how soon this
would be over, his mouth searching out Tommy's again to convey with a kiss what
he couldn't put into words. Silent promises of 'soon' and 'together' and 'trust
me' passed between them and somehow Merton just knew that Tommy understood, so
he pushed Tommy's jeans and briefs as far down his hips as he could before he
reached for his own zipper.
After a few seconds that felt like an eternity Merton pulled himself free of
his jeans, and the low growl that sounded from somewhere deep in Tommy's chest
as hot, slick flesh finally made contact made it worth all the waiting. He
wrapped slender fingers around both of them, heat against heat as he finally
began to move his hand. Tommy's previous frantic pace was nothing compared to
the force with which he thrust into Merton's grip, his whole body focused on
that single sensation. Their mouths were still pressed together, lips moving
more or less uselessly as they breathed against one another. Merton could hear
low murmurs coming from one of them but he wasn't even sure if it was Tommy
babbling or him.
As soon as he realized that he focused on the sound, surprised to find that it
was him making soothing noises against Tommy's mouth. The force of Tommy's
frantic need made his heart beat wildly and he was suddenly almost sure this
was a bad idea, but there was no way they could stop even if he wanted to. He
wasn't sure whether to be delighted at the fact that he could make Tommy lose
control this way, or despair at the thought that the intensity was going to
drive Tommy away for good. And he could feel himself falling more and more
hopelessly in love with every thrust, every brush of hot skin against his own
and every kiss that pressed against his jaw.
Slowly he became aware that Tommy's mouth had moved from his to trail across
his jawbone, hot and breathy and so gentle that he had to bite down hard on his
lip to keep from crying. He'd never wanted to come so much in his life and
still he wouldn't let himself, only his desperate need to make Tommy lose it
first keeping him from losing control. And just when he thought he couldn't
hold back anymore Tommy was there with him again, sobbing his release into
Merton's shoulder as his whole body arched into the sensation. Merton's hand
kept moving through Tommy's orgasm, slicker now and when he slid a wet thumb
over his head he gasped and finally let go.
He'd never know how long they stayed that way, panting and sated and surrounded
in a silence punctuated only by the vague, faraway sounds of the movie that was
still playing. With every passing second Merton knew that things were going to
be more awkward, but still he was terrified to move because when he did Tommy
might not even be able to look at him. Tommy was still breathing against his
neck, and with each puff of air on his skin Merton's pulse raced a little more.
The funny thing was that he hadn't even known how much he wanted this, how much
he'd been dying to run his hands across Tommy's bare chest or feel him writhing
and out of control and desperate. All from Merton's touch, as though that made
any sense in a universe where Tommy Dawkins wasn't even supposed to know his
name.
Finally the inevitable happened and Tommy shifted against him, slowly pulling
away and Merton knew he should be embarrassed by their state of half-undress.
He opened his mouth to make a dumb joke about the inevitable awkwardness, just
to take the edge off the tension, but then their eyes locked and whatever he'd
been about to say was lost. The expression in Tommy's features as he leaned
forward and pressed their lips together again was so big, so monumental that
Merton couldn't let himself believe that he'd actually seen it. He knew he was
imagining things but Tommy was kissing him like he meant it, and he gave up
trying to make sense of what happened and wrapped his arms around Tommy's neck
to pull him even closer.
When they parted again Tommy didn't move to get off him, and faced with the
choice between giving up the weight of Tommy's body on his or suggesting that
they go clean up, suddenly sticking together didn't seem like such a bad
option. He was still searching for something to say when Tommy did slide off
him, glancing down almost apologetically at the mess on their stomachs. Merton
tugged his jeans back up his hips a little awkwardly before he swung his legs
over the edge of the sofa and stood up. When he turned around again Tommy had
rearranged his own clothes, but he was still stretched out on the couch with
one arm behind his head and looking so vulnerable that Merton had to remind
himself to breathe.
Suddenly awkwardness seemed like a waste of emotion and he knelt next to the
couch, reaching out to push sweat-dampened curls away from Tommy's forehead. A
strong hand closed around his and then he was being pulled forward, sighing as
their lips pressed together again. "We should…uh…clean up," Merton murmured
when Tommy released him.
"Yeah," Tommy said, but from the breathy, slightly dazed quality of his voice
Merton guessed that Tommy would agree to shave his head and join a commune if
Merton suggested it. He grinned at the thought and stood up, reaching for
Tommy's hand to lead him back to the bathroom.
Tommy followed him wordlessly, leaning against the counter while Merton ran
water in the sink and soaked a washcloth to clean them both up. He kept his
gaze trained on Tommy's abdomen while he carefully wiped away the traces of
their activity, doing his best to ignore Tommy's blatant stare while he cleaned
himself off and dropped the washcloth in the clothes hamper. When he finally
looked up again Tommy pushed himself off the counter, his hand closing around
Merton's arm to haul him close again.
Merton flattened his palm on Tommy's chest just over his heart, mirroring his
earlier gesture as Tommy leaned forward. For a second Merton thought Tommy was
going to kiss him again, but then Tommy nuzzled the crook of Merton's neck and
breathed in sharply. Hot breath hit Merton's skin, sending shivers down his
spine as his hands wandered over Tommy's chest. He craned his neck as Tommy's
mouth opened against the curve between his shoulder and neck, stifling a gasp
as Tommy began to suck hard on his skin. It was going to leave a mark, he had
no idea if Tommy knew that but if he did he didn't seem to care. He found
himself irrationally disappointed when he realized that the bruise would heal
before they had to go back to school, telling himself not to be stupid. They
couldn't take those kinds of risks, it was bad enough that his parents might
see the mark and realize what was going on between them.
When Tommy pulled away again his eyes were glazed and his lips were parted
slightly, his breathing elevated as he traced the fresh bruise with his
fingertips. "Merton, I gotta know," he said, his voice uneven as he finally met
the other boy's gaze, "I mean I know you've done this before, I just need to
know…"
Merton blinked his surprise as he listened to Tommy stammering over the
question, the first wave of shock hitting him when Tommy implied that he knew
something about Merton's past. Then Tommy announced that he needed to know who
Merton had been with before him, and blood pounded against his eardrums as he
wondered why Tommy cared. He nodded mutely, although he wasn't really sure what
exactly he was agreeing to. Telling Tommy the truth about his past wasn't that
big a deal, there had really only been the one other guy and that was more like
an experiment than an actual relationship. It was the dark intensity in Tommy's
eyes that was making him nervous, as though the wrong answer to the question
could tear apart whatever connection they'd already forged.
"There's not that much to tell," he said, deciding that honesty was the only
way to handle this particular conversation. "I mean there was one other guy,
but that was a long time ago."
"When?"
He barely managed to hide the shudder the single word sent down his spine,
backing away instinctively. Suddenly the bathroom seemed far too small for the
two of them and he backed toward his bedroom, his heart in his throat as he
watched Tommy follow him. "Freshman year," he answered when they reached his
bedroom, sinking down onto the edge of his mattress.
Tommy sat down next to him, Merton's breath catching in his throat when their
shoulders brushed. "Anybody I know?" Tommy asked. His voice was quiet and
almost hesitant, and Merton relaxed a little as he realized that Tommy was
actually nervous about the answer.
"I don't know if you know him," Merton answered. "He goes to our school. Tommy,
why do you want to know?"
"I don't know." Tommy shrugged and looked down at his hands, a heavy sigh
escaping his throat. "Just wondering, I guess. It doesn't really matter."
Something told Merton that it did matter, though; maybe not in any significant
way, but suddenly the idea that Tommy might be a little insecure about sex
didn't seem so far-fetched. "You remember that guy from the movie theater?"
"The blonde?" Tommy asked.
"Alistair. We used to be best friends, before…" He paused and glanced over at
Tommy, his eyes widening as he watched a flash of jealousy darken Tommy's eyes.
It only lasted a second, but the knowledge that Tommy would be jealous over him
sent a surge of desire straight to his groin. He swallowed hard and did his
best to ignore the urge to push Tommy down on the mattress. "Anyway the summer
before high school some stuff happened, just experimenting really but once we
started school again…I don't know, I think he got scared somebody would find
out. Or else he decided that he didn't like guys after all."
He stopped talked and snapped his jaw shut, venturing a furtive glance at
Tommy's profile while he waited for the other boy to digest the information.
For a long time he didn't say anything, but when he looked back up at Merton
his eyes were wide. "That guy saw us together."
"Yeah." Slowly the meaning behind Tommy's words began to sink in, and Merton
swallowed a rush of fear and disappointment. "He won't say anything, if that's
what you're worried about. He can't, he's too worried that somebody will find
out about him and me."
He tried to keep the anxiety out of his features, but he must not have been
that successful because the next thing he knew Tommy reached over and tilted
his chin up until their eyes met. "I didn't mean…damn, I didn't mean that to
sound the way it did. It's just my parents…if they found out they'd probably
throw me out."
Merton's first instinct was to ask Tommy if he was serious, but one look in the
other boy's eyes and he didn't have to ask. Whatever else Tommy was afraid of,
it was obvious that he was sure his parents wouldn't accept the fact that he
was gay. Merton swallowed against the lump in his throat and reached out before
he could stop himself, tracing the line of Tommy's jaw as he shook his head.
"He won't say anything," he repeated. "I know he won't."
Tommy nodded and leaned forward, fusing their lips together again as he pulled
Merton closer to trace random patterns on his back. Merton pushed the swell of
fear building up inside him as far back as he could, focusing on Tommy's mouth
moving against his so he wouldn't have to think about what would happen if
anyone did find out. They just had to be more careful, he'd known that all
along. Nobody would find out if they just thought things through a little more
before they went out in public or gave in to the need to touch when someone
could come along and catch them. It wasn't that complicated, and if it was the
only way he could be with Tommy he'd do whatever it took.
***** Chapter 19 *****
For the first time since he could remember the sound of the alarm going off
made Merton cringe, and he groaned and squeezed his eyes shut a little tighter
against the prospect of going back to school. Typically by the end of a long
break he'd almost look forward to classes starting again just to relieve the
tedium of having nothing to do all day, but this break had been anything but
typical. In fact it could easily qualify as the best week and a half of his
life; after Tommy's father stopped forcing him to work at the garage they'd
seen each other every day, and nearly every second of their time together had
been perfect.
It was almost unbelievable how well things were going between them, and that
was exactly the reason he'd been dreading the start of classes. He knew that
the minute he walked back into Pleasantville High the spell would be broken,
that life would return to normal and that meant losing Tommy to his popularity
again. He wouldn't be Tommy's boyfriend anymore or even half of this amazing,
indescribable, almost magic connection that he was sure had never existed
between two people before. Instead he'd go back to being another nameless
victim in the crowd of faces at school, someone for even his friends to regard
suspiciously. He wouldn't be able to talk to Tommy in the halls or touch him,
he'd have to watch every look and every move he made for fear of someone
figuring out what was going on.
He'd known it was inevitable, but even the fact that he and Tommy had to go
back to pretending they barely knew each other wasn't what bothered him most.
The worst part was how much he was going to miss spending time together. School
hadn't even started yet and already he missed having Tommy all to himself for
the majority of the day, whether they were making out or talking or even just
watching a movie together. He groaned and forced himself out of bed, stumbling
through the mess in his room toward the bathroom. When he found the door
unlocked he breathed a sigh of relief and let himself in, locking the other
door before his sister woke up and demanded that he get out.
While he waited for the shower to warm up he turned toward the mirror over the
sink, running a hand over his bare chest and inspecting the lingering traces of
a bruise just below his collarbone. Normally he'd smile at the reminder of
Tommy's enthusiasm, but today it just reminded him of how much he had to hide.
Thankfully the mark was below his collar so he wouldn't have to answer any
potentially dangerous questions; maybe Tommy had been thinking enough the last
time they were together to realize that, but Merton was pretty sure it was just
lucky that Tommy's mouth had been below his neckline instead of closer to his
ear.
He scowled and turned away from the mirror, stepping out of his boxers and
climbing into the shower. He barely noticed the temperature of the water as he
closed his eyes and stepped under the spray, his mind already wandering to what
would happen when he got to school. Part of him almost expected everyone to
know somehow; maybe he'd been wrong about Alistair and he'd already started
spreading rumors about Tommy and Merton dating. The reality was that nothing
would probably happen, though, and he wasn't sure which was better. The whole
school finding out about him and Tommy would ruin what they had and make the
last six months of school more painful than usual, but at least he could stop
worrying about someone finding out.
A wave of nausea hit him and he wasn't sure if it was the temperature in the
bathroom or the thought of what Tommy would say if anyone at school found out
about them. In a way he understood why Tommy worried about it, after all he
wasn't lucky enough to have parents that were more or less understanding.
Merton had a feeling that when he did come out to his parents that they
wouldn't be surprised, and he'd always known that they'd support him. He knew
he was lucky and that it wasn't that way for everyone, but sometimes it was
hard to understand why. It didn't make any sense to him that Tommy's parents
could be as bad as they sounded, especially not knowing how well Tommy had
managed to turn out.
"Stop thinking about it," he muttered under his breath, forcing his eyes open
to chase away the images floating in and out of his mind's eye. Strange,
disjointed fantasies about the whole school finding out about him and Tommy
were pretty much the norm when he closed his eyes lately, but they were usually
jumbled together with memories of Tommy flushed and breathless and pressed
against him. He knew he'd never make it through the day if he didn't stop
thinking about Tommy's skin against his, not when he couldn't even remember the
way it felt to kiss Tommy without his whole body reacting.
He should be worried about what T'n'T were going to do to him when they got
their hands on him again; he wasn't naïve enough to think Tommy would be there
to stop them every time. Not to mention the fact that Tommy couldn't use the
football team as an excuse to keep them from killing him anymore. Chances were
that they wouldn't even listen to him, and there was nothing Merton or Tommy
could do about it without raising a lot of suspicion. A frustrated sigh escaped
his throat at the same moment that a knock sounded on the bathroom door, and he
realized for the first time how long he'd been standing under the water letting
his mind wander.
"Alright, alright," he muttered as he reached for the faucet and turned off the
shower. He dried off and pulled his clothes on as quickly as possible, forcing
himself to keep his mind on getting dressed and not what his day was going to
be like. Once he was dressed he unlocked Becky's side of the bathroom and
disappeared into his bedroom before she had a chance to yell at him for taking
too long. He managed not to think about Tommy much at all while he dried and
spiked his hair, but as soon as he walked into the kitchen and caught sight of
his parents he knew he wasn't getting out of the house without an uncomfortable
conversation about school.
They both looked up when he walked in, 'concerned parent' expressions on both
their faces as he made his way to the fridge. "Ready for school?" his father
asked, and Merton could feel the weight of the older man's gaze on him even
though he didn't look up from the fridge.
"I guess," he answered as he retrieved the milk and reached for a bowl. "It's
just school."
He ventured a glance over at his parents just in time to watch them exchange
looks, and he rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to his cereal.
Maybe it was stupid that he hadn't just told them the truth about Tommy when
they obviously already suspected it, but he kept telling himself that it wasn't
really any of their business anyway. He poured milk into his bowl before he put
it back in the fridge, swallowing the rush of fear that welled up in him as he
made his way over to the table to sit down next to his father.
After the first few tense moments of silence Merton realized that they weren't
going to push the subject, though, and he told himself to stop being so
paranoid. Maybe they didn't have a clue what was going on in his life – maybe
he was just projecting all his fears about someone at school catching on. For
all they knew he and Tommy were just friends; they never touched in front of
his parents, in fact since Tommy found out who Alistair was he'd been even more
careful not to let his guard down unless they were positive they were alone.
"Your mother and I have been talking," Merton's father said, his voice
interrupting Merton's thoughts. He tensed instantly as he realized he might
have been right after all, and he stifled a sigh and forced himself to look up
at his father. "We understand why you want to finish school with your class,
but we can't ignore the fact that it's not the safest place for you."
Merton opened his mouth to protest as soon as he realized what his father was
about to say, but the words died on his lips when he remembered that telling
them why he wanted to stay at Pleasantville High meant telling them the whole
truth. Even if he did tell them what was going on between him and Tommy he
wasn't sure they'd think that was a good reason to let him finish out the year.
In fact it might just make them more determined to make him leave high school
early, and then it would be even harder to see Tommy. At least while he was
tutoring Lori everyone just assumed that he and Tommy knew each other through
her; if he stopped helping her with her Chemistry they wouldn't have an excuse
anymore.
"We're not saying you have to leave school," his father continued before Merton
had a chance to say anything. "But I will be talking to the principal this
week, and if anything else happens we're going to have to talk about making
some changes."
Even as he opened his mouth to ask why they were bringing this up again after
all this time he realized what the answer was. They knew; they had to know, or
at least they had to have an idea of the truth. So maybe they were doing the
right thing by trying to keep him out of the path of danger, but he couldn't
help wondering if part of it was that they wanted to keep him away from Tommy.
They'd acted like they genuinely liked Tommy, though, they'd both gone out of
their way to make him feel at home and his dad had even offered to help Tommy
out when he started college. His head hurt from all the possibilities of why
his parents were bringing this up now, but he still couldn't bring himself to
just say the words out loud.
"It's not that big a deal," he finally muttered into his cereal bowl, not
bothering to look up at his parents. It was embarrassing enough that he seemed
to be the twins' favorite victim, but the idea that his parents might be trying
to control his love life was too much to face. "They haven't even bothered me
since that time Mr. Clark stopped them."
Okay, so it was a lie, but he wasn't about to tell them that Tommy had had to
pull them off him the day they got back to school. He wasn't about to give them
any more information than they already had, no matter how helpful they were
trying to be. He could barely stand the thought of his father sitting in the
principal's office discussing Merton's personal life, let alone having to
listen while his parents tried to be understanding.
"We still have to consider all the possibilities," his mother chimed in,
smiling reassuringly at him over her newspaper. "Tell you what, we won't make
any decisions until we give you a chance to plead your case."
He nodded and looked down at his cereal, his stomach turning at the thought of
food. "I gotta go, I've got some reading to finish before school starts," he
said, picking up his bowl and setting it in the sink. He could feel them both
watching him, but he didn't bother to look back as they said goodbye. He
stopped in his room long enough to grab his books and a coat before he let
himself out of the house, reminding himself to breathe only when he found
himself in the cold January air. He tugged his collar a little closer to his
skin and forced his legs to carry him toward the hearse, doing his best not to
think about the long day ahead of him.
~
It wasn't until he got to school and saw the still empty parking lot that he
realized quite how early he was, but faced with the alternative of going home
and dealing with his parents he decided he'd rather sit in the cafeteria and
wait for school to start. He hadn't been lying about the reading he had to do,
most of his break had been devoted to either spending time with Tommy or
obsessing about the next time they'd be together. For the first time since he
could remember his schoolwork hadn't even crossed his mind, but now that he was
back in the building he remembered just how much he'd neglected over the past
two weeks.
He sighed and made his way to the cafeteria, ignoring the handful of other
students that were already sitting at tables around the room. He chose an empty
table near the front of the cafeteria and set his backpack down, pulling his
History book out and forcing himself to focus on the words in front of him.
Concentrating on the Industrial Revolution was pretty much a losing battle, but
he knew if he didn't at least try he was going to fail the pop quiz he was sure
his teacher would spring on them after lunch.
He'd read the first paragraph of the chapter at least ten times when he felt a
hand land on his shoulder and squeeze, his heart soaring for a single beat
before he realized it wasn't Tommy. He turned to look at the owner of the hand,
swallowing hard when Tim held him firmly in place. "Well if it isn't the little
queer," Travis hissed under his breath from Merton's other side. "I'm
impressed, I didn't think you were brave enough to show your face around here
without your bodyguard. Or maybe you're just stupid."
Both twins laughed at that, and Merton's heart lodged in his throat as he
realized there was no getting out of this. Most of the teachers hadn't even
gotten to school yet, and none of the students in the cafeteria would be
inclined to help even if they could. His father's words came rushing back to
him and he had to hold back a laugh at the irony of the situation, but he knew
better than to make Travis think he was laughing at him. Besides, it wasn't
funny so much as unfair that they blamed him for getting them suspended, as
though he'd asked them to beat the hell out of him just for being in the wrong
place at the wrong time.
"What's the matter, wuss? Nothing to say now that Dawkins isn't here to save
you?" The hand on his shoulder tightened and he bit his lip against the pain,
willing himself not to react to the sound of Tommy's name coming from Travis'
mouth. It would just make things worse if he gave them a reason to think Tommy
mattered to him for any reason.
"Maybe he'll talk better somewhere a little more private." Tim's other hand
landed on his arm to haul him roughly off the bench he was sitting on, but
before he had a chance to react another voice drew the twins' attention away
from him.
"Why don't you guys do us all a favor and go beat the hell out of each other?"
Lori snapped, her arms crossed over her chest as she leveled a menacing glare
at first Tim and then Travis.
Merton swallowed convulsively as Tim dropped him back onto the bench, caught
between gratitude that Lori had showed up and humiliation that now he was
getting rescued by not just Tommy, but Tommy's alleged girlfriend. His
reputation wasn't really worth worrying about, though, so he decided to be
thankful to her for saving him from any unnecessary bleeding on the first day
back to school.
"Your boyfriend sending you to fight his battles now, Baxter?" Travis sneered,
momentarily forgetting Merton as he turned his attention to Lori.
The smirk that turned up the corners of Lori's mouth had an almost sinister
edge to it, and Merton's blood ran cold even though he wasn't the recipient of
the threat. "Nobody messes with my friends and gets away with it, Travis. Now
get lost before I decide to do something about it."
"Like what?" Travis asked in a tone that let Merton know he wasn't completely
confident that Lori couldn't kick his ass. Merton's eyebrows shot up in
surprise as he sized up the petite blonde, remembering suddenly something Tommy
had said about the kickboxing team from her private school days.
"Like get you losers expelled," Lori answered, her smile brightening as the
twins scowled. "All I have to do is scream and every teacher in school will
come running. Or maybe I'll just go have a chat with the principal, I think I
saw him pull up a few minutes ago."
Merton barely heard Travis' parting shot as the twins moved away from him, the
words 'this isn't over' registering only vaguely in the back of his mind as he
dropped his head into his hands. He knew it wasn't over, nobody had to remind
him of that. In fact he was starting to think his parents had been right about
the whole thing, maybe finishing the year at the University wasn't such a bad
idea after all.
"Hey." A finger tapped the back of his head and he forced himself to look up,
his cheeks blazing as he met Lori's concerned gaze. "You okay?"
"Yeah, sure," Merton muttered, glancing over his shoulder in time to watch Tim
and Travis disappear around the corner. He wasn't sure what he'd been expecting
to see, maybe Travis cracking his knuckles and making threatening gestures in
his direction. His whole life was starting to feel way too much like an after-
school special. "I mean thanks. I guess that'll teach me to show up early and
try to get some homework done."
Lori smiled sympathetically and glanced at his History book before looking back
up at him, her grin fading as she studied his features. "You don't look so hot,
Merton. Are you sure you're okay?"
"What, you mean aside from the humiliation of having to be rescued again?" He
paused and forced himself to look at her, a frustrated sigh escaping his throat
as he realized how he must sound. "I guess I should be thankful that it wasn't
Tommy again."
"He had to go see the basketball coach, something about try-outs," Lori said,
frowning as she watched Merton blush again. "He wasn't trying to make things
worse with the idiot twins, you know."
"I know," Merton said a little too quickly. He dropped his gaze down to the
table between them, his mind racing as he tried to decide how much she knew
about what had happened between him and Tommy. He had no idea when she'd gotten
back to town, but it was a safe bet that the first thing she'd done when she
got home was call Tommy. She had to know that something was going on between
them, but he wasn't sure how much Tommy would tell her and how much he'd keep
between them. "I didn't mean it like that, it's just…"
He trailed off and looked up at her, surprised to find her nodding her
understanding. "Yeah, I know what you meant," she said, and from the way she
was looking at him he could tell that she did. "For the record I think this
whole thing sucks. It's not fair, but you don't know what his parents are
like."
He knew he was staring at her with his mouth hanging open, but he couldn't
quite believe that she was sitting across from him talking so candidly about
what was going on between him and Tommy. As soon as he realized that Tommy was
interested in him he suspected that Lori had known all along, but he hadn't
even talked to Tommy about this and it was strange to hear her say it out loud.
"So he…he told you…?"
Her smirk returned as she listened to him stammer the question, but finally she
took pity on him and leaned a little further across the table. "Relax, he
didn't tell me everything. Although I can pretty much fill in the blanks all on
my own."
Merton wondered vaguely if he was ever going to stop blushing; he had a feeling
the answer was 'no', and from the way Lori was trying not to laugh he could
tell she was enjoying his discomfort. "Sorry, it's not funny, but you should
see your face," she whispered, her hand covering her mouth as she lost the
battle against the laugh that was trying to escape her throat. It took her
several minutes to regain her composure, and Merton just watched helplessly as
she struggled for breath between bouts of laughter. He couldn't really blame
her, though; he could just imagine his expression when she'd mentioned filling
in the blanks on her own. Some sick part of him wanted to ask her why she'd
want to do something like that, but he wasn't sure he wanted to hear the
answer.
Finally she managed to pull herself together, clearing her throat as she looked
back up at him. "Sorry, I wasn't laughing at you. Well, sort of but I didn't
mean anything by it."
"Forget it," he said, hoping that she'd take the hint and forget the past ten
minutes had ever happened. He tore his gaze away from her long enough to make
sure no one was close enough to hear them. "Look, Lori, I hate to ask you this
but do you think you could not tell Tommy about this? I mean about Tim and
Travis."
"Why? It's not like he's gonna do anything stupid like try to kill them. I mean
maybe he'd want to, but he knows better."
An involuntary shiver wracked Merton's body at the thought of Tommy being that
protective of him, but he swallowed against it and willed himself not to start
spinning new fantasies about Tommy coming to his rescue and dragging them both
out of the closet in the process. "It's not that," he said. "The thing is that
I think they're starting to get suspicious about why Tommy cares whether or not
they kill me."
Lori frowned and looked over her shoulder as though she was expecting someone
to overhear them. When she was sure that the coast was clear she turned back to
Merton, her expression telling him that even though she didn't want to believe
it she thought he might have a point. "Those two? No way, they're too dumb to
find their way home most days. No way do they have a clue."
"Maybe." Merton shrugged and closed his History book, shoving it back in his
backpack before he stood up. "I hope you're right, but just in case you're not
I think it's better if you don't say anything."
She sighed and stood up, her arms crossed over her chest again as she studied
his pleading expression. Finally she nodded and he let out the breath he hadn't
realized he was holding. "Thanks, Lori."
"Don't mention it," she called over her shoulder as she made her way toward the
hall that would take her to her locker. "See you around."
"Yeah, see you," he said absently, although he knew she couldn't hear him. He
hoisted his backpack onto his shoulder and turned in the opposite direction,
saying a quick prayer that he wouldn't run into Tim and Travis again that day.
***** Chapter 20 *****
Finally an end to what had to be the longest week of his life, and still Merton
felt like he might just crawl out of his skin any second now. He knew why; any
idiot that knew what was going on between him and Tommy would be able to tell
why he was so restless. A whole week of nothing more than the occasional stolen
glance and a 'hey' in passing as though they were just two guys that knew Lori.
Tommy hadn't even been able to stop by Lori's house during her tutoring
sessions, because basketball practice turned out to be even more time-consuming
than football and Merton didn't think that was possible.
On Thursday Lori gave him a message, just a few lines scrawled on a note in
Tommy's messy handwriting:
I can't get out of practice early at least until after our first game. My dad's
going out with his friends on Friday so as soon as he leaves I'll come over. If
that's not okay tell Lori. I really want to see you. Tommy
That was it, four days and that was the only real word he'd had from Tommy.
He'd take it, though, because it meant that if nothing else Tommy was thinking
about him and that meant that when Friday finally rolled around they could
start making up for lost time. He wasn't sure it was possible to make up for a
whole week of not even being able to talk, but he couldn't let himself dwell on
how little of Tommy he really had. He got the most important part, at least;
Tommy wanted to spend time with him and when they were apart it was him that
Tommy thought about.
Sometimes he thought maybe he should worry about how much time he actually
spent thinking about Tommy, but even if he wanted to do something about it he
knew he wouldn't be able to stop. He'd heard about first love and how it could
take over your whole life if you let it, ruin your concentration and make your
grades slip. But even if the devil himself appeared and gave Merton a choice
between straight A's for the rest of his academic career and a few more months
as Tommy's boyfriend he knew what he'd choose. He wasn't proud of it, but he
was at least honest with himself if not with the rest of the world.
Not that he could tell Tommy how he felt, even if he wanted to he knew Tommy
wouldn't say it back. Maybe he wouldn't end their relationship or anything
quite that drastic, but he wasn't in love with Merton. If nothing else, he was
smart enough not to confuse sex and true love. He wasn't going to brood about
that, though, not when Tommy could show up any time now. There was no mention
of what time he might stop by, but he at least had to get through practice and
then go home until whenever his father left. That pretty much ruled out the
possibility that Tommy would make it over in time for dinner, but he wasn't
sure he'd be able to get through small talk with Tommy and his family after a
whole week apart anyway. In fact all he really wanted to do was get Tommy alone
in his bedroom, but he couldn't run the risk of his parents catching them in a
compromising position.
It was pretty obvious from the way they'd been looking at him all week that
they knew there was something going on, but how serious it was they couldn't
know and he really didn't want them finding out by catching them together. And
it was funny that now that he had a real reason to come out to his parents he
didn't want to, because he was afraid that it would change things between him
and Tommy. The last thing he wanted was for them to figure out that he and
Tommy were dating, or something close enough to it to start enforcing the same
rules on him that they enforced on Becky when she brought a boy home. Keeping
his bedroom door open whenever Tommy was over, for one thing, and he knew how
well it would go over when Merton told him that his parents wanted to meet
Tommy's parents.
That thought made him laugh, and he wondered if his parents would really
enforce that rule considering. His father sort of knew Tommy's father already,
after all, and anyway he was going to be eighteen in a few months. It wasn't
funny, not really, but he couldn't help laughing at the image of Tommy's
parents coming over for dinner. And when they found out why they were there in
the first place…he could just picture his mom announcing how nice it was to
meet Merton's boyfriend's parents. Only the place his imagination took him to
after that wasn't funny at all, because he could only imagine what would happen
to Tommy if his father found out. The way he and Lori made it sound Merton
would be surprised if his father didn't kill Tommy, and then he'd spend the
rest of his life with Tommy's blood on his hands.
He knew he'd never go through with it anyway, because telling his parents meant
having a conversation he really didn't want to have. He was grateful in a way
that they were so understanding about so many things, and he could almost
understand why Tommy liked them so much. Still, he knew his mother and he
wasn't prepared to sit through a safe sex speech from her under any
circumstances. It was bad enough that he'd have to talk to Tommy about it if it
ever got that far. He'd never gone that far with anyone; most of what he and
Alistair did wasn't even that exciting. The thought of doing it with Tommy sent
a shiver down his spine, though, and he squeezed his eyes shut and willed his
body not to react so he wouldn't have to worry about being hard when Tommy
showed up.
Not that he really thought Tommy would mind after all the experimenting they'd
done together so far. Winter break had definitely been an eye-opening
experience for both of them, and Tommy was enthusiastic about learning new
things. Somewhere in the back of his mind he'd always expected Tommy to take
without giving a lot in return, if it was because he was popular and used to
people giving him things Merton wasn't sure. He knew better now, and whenever
he thought about it his cheeks flushed with the shame of knowing that he knew
better. He knew what kind of person Tommy was, and he definitely didn't fit the
mold of All-American Football Hero that the town seemed to expect him to be. He
couldn't imagine what it would be like to have to live up to that kind of
image; sometimes the teasing hurt but for the most part Merton liked the fact
that he could be himself and he didn't have to worry about what people thought
of him. He already knew what they thought, and as long as he didn't let it
bother him too much he was fine.
Granted being different attracted attention that he didn't always want; it made
him the target of Tim and Travis, for instance, and it got him a lot of
whispers in class. He'd spent the better part of the week dodging the twins
after Monday morning, and they'd only managed to get ahold of him long enough
on Wednesday afternoon to give him a fresh bruise at the center of his ribs.
The punch hadn't been hard enough to knock the wind out of him, and he was just
thankful that he'd been in a crowded hallway at the time so they couldn't do
more damage than that. The last thing he needed was to give his parents a
reason to pull him out of school.
The whole situation was nerve-wracking, but so far Alistair had kept his mouth
shut and despite his nightmare visions of walking into school with 'I love
Tommy Dawkins' blinking in neon over his head nobody seemed to have a clue. He
knew how fast that could change, but he was pretty sure that he was right about
Alistair keeping his mouth shut. Outing Merton meant outing himself, after all,
and Merton was the one that was used to putting up with the rumors that he was
gay. Alistair had put as much distance between the two of them as he could as
soon as they got to high school, and pretty much everyone seemed to have
forgotten that they used to be best friends. Thinking about that betrayal hurt
a lot less now that he had Tommy in his life, but there was still a nagging
voice at the back of his mind telling him that he had to be careful around
Alistair.
His bedroom door swung open, and he opened his mouth to snap at whichever of
his family members had forgotten the fine art of knocking. Before he got the
words out, however, Tommy closed the door behind him and crossed the few feet
to Merton's bed. Three seconds later it didn't matter anymore whether or not he
was hard when Tommy got there, because he found himself pushed back into his
pillows with Tommy's weight pressing him into the mattress. His arms came up
around Tommy's back to pull him closer, pushing his worries about school and
parents as far back in his mind as they would go.
He didn't think it was possible to miss Tommy more when they were actually in
the same room, but when their lips met a sob caught in his throat and it was
all he could do to force it back down before Tommy noticed. He wanted to ask
how much time they had before Tommy had to go home again, how often he could
expect to see Tommy over the next few months and if their relationship would
even last that long. He wanted to make unreasonable demands on Tommy's time
just to see if he could get away with it, or maybe make Tommy feel guilty about
the fact that they barely ever saw each other. He didn't, though, because he
had a feeling that even though he didn't really say it that Tommy already felt
bad enough. Anyway it wasn't like either of them could change the
circumstances, so he just had to try to enjoy the time they did spend together
as much as possible.
When they finally came up for air Tommy rolled off Merton and settled next to
him on the mattress. "I didn't used to mind basketball but I'm starting to
really hate it."
Merton chuckled and pushed himself up on one elbow to look down at the other
boy. "Can't say I've ever been a big fan. I'm more of a baseball guy."
"The Majors don't pay enough, Dad wouldn't let me waste my time on the baseball
team," Tommy said. He reached out to rest his hand on Merton's hip, pulling him
a little closer. "Mostly I just wish it didn't take up all my time. I'm so
tired every night that I can barely get my homework done before I fall asleep."
Merton bit his lip as he let Tommy pull him closer, caught between being
selfish and worrying about whether or not Tommy was sacrificing sleep to see
him. "If you're really tired maybe…"
"No," Tommy interrupted him, shaking his head against Merton's pillow. "I've
been thinking about you all week, I'm not going home now. Unless you want me
to."
"Of course I don't want you to. You know, if you want you could stay here. I
mean spend the night. Unless you think your parents would freak." The words
came out in a rush of breath, and he looked down at the mattress between them
so he wouldn't have to look at Tommy while he made up an excuse about having to
go home.
"Yeah? Your parents wouldn't mind?"
Merton shrugged and looked up, his heart skipping a beat as he realized Tommy
was actually considering it. "They won't care." Okay, so maybe it was a lie,
but it was a harmless one and it wasn't like his parents didn't like Tommy.
Once they figured out that he'd spent the night in Merton's room he'd probably
find himself having that conversation he'd been trying to avoid, but the idea
of Tommy actually spending the night in his bed more than made up for it.
Instead of answering Tommy leaned forward, pulling Merton toward him to plan
another kiss on his lips. "I gotta call my mom," he said when they parted
again.
The last thing Merton wanted to do was get up even long enough for Tommy to use
the phone, but if he didn't at least call home he'd probably never be allowed
out of his house again. He sighed and pushed himself off the mattress,
gesturing toward the phone on his desk as Tommy stood up. As he watched the
other boy dial he wondered if he should leave and give him a little privacy,
but when Tommy looked up and grinned at him he knew he wouldn't be able to
stand up, let alone make it all the way across the room.
"Mom, it's me. I'm gonna spend the night at a friend's, okay?" Tommy stopped
talking and let out a sigh, running his hand over his face as he listened to
whatever his mother was saying on the other end of the line. "Yeah, I know, I
already talked to Dad. Look, did you write it down? Write it down so you don't
forget. Chad's house, he's on the team. Don't forget."
He hung up the phone and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before he opened
them again and looked at Merton. "I had to tell her a name my dad would
recognize."
Merton swallowed the urge to say anything about Tommy's father that he'd
regret. He didn't really want to ask questions about Tommy's mother, either,
although just from listening to Tommy remind her twice not to forget the
message he wondered what kind of mother she could be. "I know," he finally
said, hoping his smile was more reassuring than he felt. "Did you eat? My mom
made lasagna, I think there's some left."
"Maybe later." Tommy stood up and crossed back to the bed, sinking down next to
Merton and reaching out to slide one hand behind his neck. "Can we just…stay
here for awhile?"
"Yeah, Tommy, whatever you want," Merton answered, his voice breathy as he
leaned into Tommy's touch. Their lips met again as they sank back onto the
mattress, limbs tangled together. Merton forgot about the fact that they
weren't alone in the house, he forgot Tommy's parents and he pushed the thought
that this could all end any day as far back in his mind as he could. Instead he
focused on the way Tommy's hands felt on his skin, the way their mouths fit
together and how perfect it felt to be with him, even if it was just for
tonight.
~
Merton woke up suddenly and with a startling clarity; every second of the night
before was vivid in his memory, from the heat of Tommy's skin against his to
the moment he watched Tommy fall asleep. Of course he could still feel that
heat radiating from the body stretched out next to him, and he'd laid awake for
a long time just watching Tommy breathe. He still couldn't believe that Tommy
had agreed to spend the night, but there he was with one hand curled under his
cheek and the other resting on Merton's chest.
He smiled and eased out from underneath Tommy's hand, careful not to wake him
as he slid out of the bed and pulled on some clothes. There was no chance of
avoiding his parents' suspicions after last night, but one more glance at Tommy
still asleep in his bed and he knew it was worth it. Not that he was looking
forward to it, but he could think of worse things and even if they didn't let
Tommy spend the night anymore it was worth the one night they did have
together. He took a deep breath and pushed open the door to the kitchen,
smiling nervously at his parents as they looked up from the breakfast table.
"Hey, Dad, think you could make waffles?" he asked, doing his best to ignore
the look they exchanged when he walked in. "Tommy spent the night."
His father cleared his throat and stood up, stepping around Merton to reach in
the fridge for the milk. "Son, I think we should talk," he said as he set the
milk and then a carton of eggs down on the counter.
Merton blushed and sank into the chair his father had vacated, scanning the
headlines on the paper without really seeing them. He didn't want to look at
either of them, because suddenly the idea that they'd be understanding seemed
more far-fetched than it had the night before. Chances were that his parents
would freak out if he came right out and announced that he was gay, they'd
never talked about it before and there was no telling how they'd take it.
"What your father's trying to say," his mother interjected, surprising Merton
into glancing over at her, "is that Tommy's welcome to spend the night, but
we'd rather he stay in the guest room."
Just like that, like it was no big deal that Tommy Dawkins was his boyfriend,
they just didn't want them sleeping in the same bed. It was
almost…disappointing, really. He'd expected more somehow when he and his
parents finally had a conversation about his sexuality. "Oh. I mean okay."
"We want you to be happy, son, and we want your friends to feel welcome here,"
his father said. "But as long as you're still in high school there are certain
rules you need to abide by. Tommy's welcome here any time, you know that. He's
a good boy, your mother and I both like him."
He knew his parents liked Tommy, it was obvious from the way they always asked
about him and the way they talked to him when he had dinner at their house. He
hadn't expected the almost giddy rush when they finally got around to
acknowledging what exactly Tommy was to him, though. There had never been a
question that they wanted him to be happy, but this…a calm conversation about
the sleeping arrangements when his boyfriend spent the night was more than he'd
anticipated. "Thanks," he finally said, hoping they already knew all the things
he wanted to say but would never be able to put into words.
"Merton, the problems you've been having at school," his mother began,
deflating his good mood a little as the conversation shifted. "Do they have
anything to do with your relationship with Tommy?"
There was really no answer for that, not without telling his parents that if it
wasn't for his problems at school he wouldn't have a relationship with Tommy at
all. It was a strange twist of fate that in a way he owed the twins a debt of
gratitude for bringing him and Tommy together, but somehow he didn't think his
parents would see the humor in it. "No, Mom. I mean not Tommy specifically."
She didn't look convinced, but she nodded and set her coffee cup down on the
table. He tried to ignore the glance she directed at his father, but from the
silence in the room he had a feeling that this was only the beginning of this
particular conversation. He just prayed they'd save the next round for after
Tommy went home, because he was sure he wouldn't be able to sit through his
parents asking Tommy what his intentions were. The image that conjured up made
him laugh, and he shook his head as both his parents raised their eyebrows. He
was saved the trouble of having to think up a lie when the kitchen door swung
open again and Tommy appeared wearing the clothes he'd had on the night before.
He yawned and rubbed at his eyes with one hand as he let go of the door, and
Merton smiled in spite of himself at the picture he presented. If his parents
hadn't figured out what was going on between them before they'd definitely know
after seeing Tommy. He looked sated and a little dazed and completely
debauched, with his shirt tails hanging out of his jeans and his collar open to
reveal the edge of a hickey that Merton had been less than careful about. His
smile faded as he realized quite how careless that was, especially considering
the people Tommy hung around with and the amount of time he probably spent in
the locker room showers.
Thinking about Tommy in the shower while his parents were in the room was
definitely a bad idea, though, so he shook his head to chase the image away and
forced himself to listen to whatever his father was saying.
"…in for a treat, these waffles are world famous," Mr. Dingle said, glancing
over at Merton long enough to wink at him before he turned back to Tommy. "Have
a seat, Tommy. You don't drink coffee, do you?"
"No, sir," Tommy answered as he took a seat next to Merton at the kitchen
table. "My dad says it stunts your growth."
"A wise man. Merton will get you some orange juice, won't you, son?"
Merton nodded and stood up, moving on automatic pilot as he tried to make sense
of the weird scene he was trapped in. Maybe he was still asleep and having a
crazy dream about coming out, he'd had them before but they'd never been quite
this sitcom-like. Then again, he could smell waffles and Tommy definitely
looked like he'd spent most of the night doing exactly what they'd been doing.
He shook his head and reached for the orange juice and two glasses, deciding
that it was better to just go with the flow and worry about the consequences
later.
***** Chapter 21 *****
Merton wasn't born a pessimist. In fact, he wasn't sure he believed that anyone
was born with that particular personality trait. It was more like something
he'd learned over the years, a way to protect himself from getting hurt when
something didn't go his way.
And invariably he'd learned that things rarely went his way.
Which was why this whole thing with Tommy confused him, because everything was
going so well. Okay, so there was the whole sneaking around thing, and the fact
that if Tommy's parents found out the truth that he'd probably never even look
at Merton again, but other than that Merton's life was pretty much perfect.
Every once in awhile he'd catch a glimpse of himself in the mirror and find
himself looking a little closer, inspecting his features for any tell-tale
signs that he had a boyfriend. Not just a boyfriend, either – a secret
boyfriend, and the captain of the football team no less.
If this was happening to anybody else he'd probably think it was hilarious,
probably laugh at the poor sucker's dumb luck at falling for somebody he
couldn't even talk to in public. Only he was the one with the bad luck, and he
wasn't laughing. In fact every time he saw Tommy he got a little further over
his head, and he had no idea what to do with all these new emotions. He was
used to that feeling in the pit of his stomach like something was about to go
horribly, horribly wrong and there was nothing he could do to stop it. It was
all the other feelings he wasn't sure what to do with, like the weight pressing
down on his chest every time he saw Tommy in the hallway or the strange urge to
cry whenever they were alone together and he couldn't get close enough to Tommy
no matter how hard they kissed.
Spending the night with Tommy was…well, he wasn't sure he'd ever get used to
that feeling. Sitting at the breakfast table with his parents the next morning
while they made small talk with Tommy was weird, kind of surreal but even the
fact that his parents knew what they'd done the night before didn't stop him
from thinking about it. He still blushed every time he thought about sitting at
the breakfast table with his parents, nodding at all the right intervals and
laughing when everyone else did like he really was a normal person. Only he
wasn't, he couldn't be because no normal person could sit at that table and eat
waffles with the taste of Tommy still on his tongue.
And the things they'd done right under his parents' roof while they were home,
no less…he didn't even know he knew how to do some of that stuff, but at the
time it had felt perfect and natural and he couldn't make himself regret any of
it. He didn't regret a single touch, not one kiss or even any of the words he'd
murmured against Tommy's skin when he just couldn't control himself anymore. He
was sure Tommy hadn't heard him anyway, because if he had it probably would
have killed the mood pretty fast. Tommy would probably never be ready for talk
about feelings or what happened in a couple months when Merton left
Pleasantville to start a new life somewhere else.
He'd been planning to leave for years; ever since he got to high school and it
first dawned on him that there was something just a little different about him
that set him apart from all the kids at school whose biggest worry seemed to be
whether or not they were wearing the right brand of jeans. And all that time
while he was making his plans to escape he'd never expected to regret the
decision, never thought he'd have a reason to look back and wish that he'd just
stuck around for that last summer and given Pleasantville one last chance to
feel like home.
He knew he still had to go; if he'd told his parents that he'd changed his mind
and he wanted to stay home for awhile they wouldn't force him to go, but he
knew he didn't have a good reason to stay. It didn't matter if he was in love
with Tommy Dawkins, because no matter how much he wished things were different
Tommy was always gonna be Tommy and Merton was never going to fit into his
life. Not unless Tommy was willing to walk away from everything – his family,
his friends, his whole life – and he wasn't going to do that, not for Merton.
Not that Merton could really blame him; he wasn't sure he'd be willing to give
up everything he knew to take a chance on Tommy, and he didn't have nearly as
much to lose as Tommy did.
That was what he told himself whenever he started thinking about changing his
carefully constructed plans so he could stay as close to Tommy as possible.
Sometimes he was even reduced to standing in front of a mirror listing all the
reasons Tommy couldn't possibly ever love him, because that was the only way he
could talk himself out of all the crazy ideas that were starting to creep into
his head. Like when Tommy had finally gone home on Saturday morning and Merton
walked him to the front door. He'd been expecting to just say goodbye and feel
a little disappointed the way he always did whenever Tommy left, then spend the
rest of the day laying low in his room and trying to talk himself out of loving
Tommy. What he hadn't been expecting was for Tommy to grab the front of his
shirt and back him up against the wall, using his body to hold Merton up while
he kissed him right there in the foyer where either one of his parents could
see them.
He wasn't expecting the surge of desperate need that made him cling to Tommy,
his arms around the other boy's neck and urging him closer even though there
was nowhere left for Tommy to go. He didn't expect the crooked half-grin when
Tommy finally pulled away, or the tenderness he was sure he'd imagined in the
gentle kiss Tommy pressed to his mouth before he finally let Merton go and
backed toward the front door. And that was it, three seconds later Tommy was
gone and Merton knew he was going to spend the rest of the weekend wearing
himself out just trying not to think about all the promises he could imagine in
that single kiss if he just let himself.
Lucky for him he was smart enough to know better, even if his heart didn't want
to believe him. It didn't matter what he wanted, because no matter how much he
wanted Tommy to love him back it didn't change the circumstances. Even if Tommy
did love him nothing would change, so maybe it was better if they never talked
about it because knowing the truth might make it harder for him to walk away
when school and this whatever between them was finally over.
By the time Monday morning arrived he was so sick of thinking about it that he
was actually glad to go back to school, to have to watch his every step just so
he'd have something to think about besides whatever it was that had passed
between him and Tommy on Saturday morning. Avoiding T'n'T at least would
distract him from thinking about his own heartache, because that was really the
only word he could think of to describe it. It was an ache that never quite
went away; when he was with Tommy it dulled enough that he almost didn't feel
it for awhile, but as soon as Tommy went back to his other life the ache was
back again and it always seemed just a little stronger.
Maybe he was just being dramatic, making more out of his teen angst than he
needed to. Everyone he passed in the halls probably had some secret trauma that
made them feel like a freak; they made enough after-school specials and teen
movies about all the problems teenagers dealt with to convince him that he
wasn't the only person in the world with problems. Still, they were his
problems and the fact that the rest of the kids at school probably felt just as
out of place as him didn't really do anything to make him feel better.
And that line about misery loving company was a lie, because the last thing he
wanted was to listen to somebody else whine about the extra five pounds they
couldn't lose or not making the team while he felt like his heart was being
ripped out every time he caught sight of Tommy in the halls and couldn't even
say hello. He knew people were probably staring as he stalked the halls,
insulated by a shield of self-pity and righteous indignation that pretty much
assured him that nobody would even try to approach him. Even T'n'T seemed to
have found something better to do than harass him, which was weirdly
disappointing in a way because he wouldn't even have minded a fight right now.
Not that he thought for a second he stood a chance against them, but for once
he was tired enough of watching every step he took that he would have welcomed
a chance to stand up to them.
It was just his luck that the one day he actually wanted a showdown with two
guys the size of small trees that they were nowhere to be found. So maybe there
really was a higher power up there looking out for him, because with the mood
he was in it wasn't that much of a stretch to imagine that he could actually
get himself killed. The thought that if this was a movie he'd do something
dramatic like stand up on the table in the cafeteria and announce that he was
gay and having a secret affair with Tommy amused him for most of the morning.
Every time he imagined it he pictured Tommy's face, though, and that thought
made his chest ache in a whole new way. It was kind of like getting a preview
of what would happen when he finally had to say goodbye to Tommy that final
time; when he got in his parents' car and rode to the airport in silence, never
looking back even though he wanted to because he couldn't even breathe for the
misery weighing down on him. He liked to torture himself by imagining it late
at night when he couldn't sleep, making it more dramatic every time until
finally he had to laugh at the romance novel absurdity of it all. It made him
feel strangely better to laugh at himself, because maybe if he could laugh
about it now before it even happened that meant that someday he'd get over
Tommy and his life would go back to normal.
He was so caught up in trying to decide what exactly he meant by 'normal' that
he didn't notice someone sliding onto the bench across the cafeteria table
until a hand reached out and tapped his arm. When he looked up he found Lori
smirking at him, and he had to stifle a groan at her expression. He knew it
wasn't her fault – that for her own private reasons she was just trying to help
by playing Tommy's messenger. It didn't make him resent the fact that they
needed a messenger any less, though, and in his current mood he wasn't sure how
nice he could be about it. "Hey, Lori."
"Hey. Everything okay? You seem a little out of it."
"I'm. Fine." Slow and drawn out, enunciating each letter because he was so
tired of saying those words and he wanted them to finally sink in so people
would stop asking.
"Liar." It wasn't an accusation, just Lori calling him on the fact that he
wasn't fooling her and she wasn't about to pretend that he was. Maybe she knew
that she wasn't the person that should be asking him if he was okay, though,
because she let it drop and glanced over her shoulder toward the table where
Tommy and his friends were sitting. Merton tried to pretend that he didn't know
who she was looking at, didn't follow her gaze just to torture himself with
another look at Tommy to add to his archives of stolen glances. When she turned
back to him she pressed her lips together and tilted her head a little, tapping
her fingers on the table and then finally taking a deep breath. "You should
come over, we can hang out. Come by at like 6:00, I'll order pizza or
something."
"Why?" Merton asked before he could stop himself. He liked Lori, but so far the
sum total of their 'hanging out' together had been one movie at her place and
Tommy had invited him that time. He'd been to her house so many times the guys
at the gate leading into her neighborhood didn't even stop him anymore, but
that was only because he was her tutor. That's what they did together, he
explained Chemistry and she pretended she needed someone to explain it. It
wasn't hanging out by any stretch of the imagination.
If she was offended by the question she didn't show it, though, she just
shrugged and flashed him what he assumed she thought was an innocent smile.
"Because we're friends and you look like you could use someone to talk to."
"I don't know if I can make it." He was getting frighteningly good at this
lying thing, at least it was coming a lot more easily than he'd ever expected
it to.
"6:00, Merton. I'll see you then." She stood up and picked up her books,
turning away and walking out of the cafeteria before he could argue.
He knew she was just trying to be nice, and maybe she even believed that they'd
somehow become what people thought of as friends. She seemed genuine whenever
she talked to him and she was right about him needing someone to talk to, but
it wasn't going to be her if he could help it. No matter how much Lori got off
on playing go-between for him and Tommy she was still Tommy's friend first, and
obviously she was pretty loyal to him if she was willing to pretend to be his
girlfriend while she checked up on his boyfriend.
A dull ache throbbed against Merton's temples and he closed his eyes, dropping
his head into his hands as he tried to ignore the pulsing in his forehead. He
wasn't sure he was up to the challenge of being one of Tommy's complications,
but every time he thought about walking away that ache in his chest got a
little tighter and he wondered if it was possible to die of a broken heart. He
rolled his eyes at his own penchant for drama and forced himself to stand up,
congratulating himself on the fact that he didn't look back at Tommy once on
his way out of the cafeteria. It was a small victory, but it was bad enough
that Tommy had sent Lori over to check up on him and Merton didn't want him to
think he was pining.
The halls were practically deserted as he made his way to his locker to gather
his books for his next class, and he found himself thankful that at least he
didn't have to deal with weird looks from any of his classmates. He wasn't even
sure anymore if the weird looks were all in his mind or if people really were
talking about him; he felt like he was wearing a sign on his back that said
'freak' and that no matter how hard he tried to act normal everyone knew
something was going on. He stopped next to his locker and grabbed his books as
quickly as he could, trying not to draw any attention to himself.
He made his way toward Calculus class, ignoring the voice in his head telling
him he couldn't stand Lori up. She'd probably forget she even invited him over
by the time school was out. Maybe she'd find something better to do and he
wouldn't have to feel guilty about not showing up, he could just go over there
tomorrow for tutoring like he always did and she'd never even mention it. He
nodded at that logic and turned toward the stairs that would lead him to his
classroom, but before his hand connected with the railing he felt himself being
pulled backwards. His whole body tensed as he found himself hauled behind the
stairs, and he struggled out of the hand gripping him and turned to face his
attacker.
"Tommy? Are you crazy?" Merton gasped when he registered who had hauled him
back behind the staircase. He looked over Tommy's shoulder, his heart pounding
in his chest as he calculated the number of people that must have seen Tommy
grab him and drag him behind the stairs.
"Yeah, maybe," Tommy answered, the thickness of his voice making Merton's heart
skip a beat. "It's still lunch time, nobody saw me. I don't think so, anyway."
Merton bit back the urge to make a joke about how people would just assume
Tommy was looking for a private place to beat the hell out of him, mostly
because he didn't really want to think about that possibility. A couple months
ago he'd assumed that if Tommy ever did notice he was alive that that would be
the only reason, but now that he knew Tommy he couldn't even make jokes about
the fact that they weren't supposed to know each other. "What are you doing?"
he finally asked, forcing his attention back to the fact that Tommy must have a
good reason for taking such a huge risk in the middle of a school day.
"You looked kinda pissed at lunch," Tommy answered. He paused and caught his
bottom lip between his teeth, and Merton had to tell himself that he was
imagining the nervousness in the other boy's eyes. "Then after whatever Lori
said to you…I wanted to make sure you weren't mad at me."
He definitely wasn't imagining that guilty look, no matter how hard he tried to
convince himself that he was. Part of him wanted to be mad at Tommy for doing
this to him, for risking getting caught just to find out if Merton was okay.
Knowing that Tommy actually cared made it even harder to pretend that they were
strangers, but hadn't he just been wishing a few minutes ago that he knew how
Tommy felt about him? Finally he let out a deep breath and glanced over Tommy's
shoulder to make sure no one was watching before he reached out and squeezed
Tommy's hand. "Why would I be mad at you?"
Tommy sighed and looked down at the floor between them, the pause stretching
out into an almost palpable tension before he looked back up at Merton. When
their eyes locked again Merton had to struggle to stifle a gasp at the raw pain
in Tommy's eyes. And suddenly he didn't want to have this conversation; wanted
to crawl as far inside himself as he could so Tommy couldn't reach him with
those eyes that told him everything neither one of them wanted to say out loud.
He wanted to run, as far and as fast as his legs would carry him, and never
look back to see that Tommy wasn't following.
A second later Tommy blinked and everything he wasn't saying was gone, pulled
back easily and locked somewhere deep inside where nobody could reach in and
hurt him with the truth. Merton reminded himself to breathe and forced his own
expression back to blank, wishing for one insane moment that it really had been
Tim and Travis that hauled him under the stairs to teach him another lesson.
"Forget it, I guess I'm just having an off day or something," Tommy finally
said, his voice almost even as he took a step backwards and ran his hands
through his hair. He forced a shaky grin that made Merton want to forget the
fact that they were standing under a stairway in school, that the truth was so
dangerous that even they couldn't admit it out loud. He wanted to pull Tommy
forward and wrap his arms around him, listen to the sound of Tommy's heart
beating through his shirt and pretend that nothing bad would happen if someone
happened to walk by before he was ready to let go.
He opened his mouth to say something, to tell Tommy that it wasn't just him and
he was mad but not because of anything Tommy did. Before he found a way to say
the words the bell rang, and Merton swallowed a surge of frustration and leaned
back against the wall. He told himself it didn't matter that Tommy was already
backing away, that he was more worried about someone catching them together
than he was about making sure things were okay between them. If they even could
be okay considering neither of them ever talked about what they were doing and
Tommy practically had to sneak out of his house just so they could see each
other.
He braced himself for the sight of Tommy walking away, but before the other boy
got more than a few feet away from him he let out a frustrated growl and closed
the distance between them again. Merton didn't bother trying to hide the
shudder that rolled through him as he found himself once again pressed up
against Tommy, his gaze darting to the hallway as the buzzing of a dozen
different conversations floated toward them. "Tommy…" he murmured, although he
wasn't sure if he was trying to talk him into or out of what he was about to
do.
"We have a game Friday night," Tommy whispered against his neck, nuzzling the
warm skin where Merton's neck and shoulder met. And it didn't make any sense
that he was taking his time, for God's sake, but the first press of soft lips
below his earlobe was enough to make Merton almost forget that they were going
to get caught. Tommy's mouth moved along his jaw, each press of lips against
hot skin sending a fresh jolt of desire straight to Merton's groin. "Can I come
over after? It'll probably be around 9:00."
The last part was whispered directly against his mouth, and even if he wanted
to there was no way Merton would be able to refuse. He surged forward, one hand
fisting in Tommy's hair and the other closing around the front of his shirt to
tug him closer. When they finally parted he could only nod, ignoring the fact
that his cheeks were flushed and his breath was coming in sharp pants as Tommy
grinned and backed away again. A second later he was gone, the taste of kiss on
Merton's tongue the only thing to tell him that he hadn't just imagined the
entire conversation. He didn't even think about moving until after the late
bell rang, and even then he waited another minute or two to make sure no one
would see him slip out from behind the stairs with a slightly dazed grin.
***** Chapter 22 *****
"Hey. Come on in."
Merton resisted the urge to roll his eyes as he brushed past Lori into the
house. He'd told himself all afternoon that he wasn't going to come over, that
he didn't have anything to talk to her about and the last thing he wanted to do
was avoid answering the questions he knew she was going to ask. He'd gone home
and tried to do his homework, intent on blowing Lori off and making up an
excuse tomorrow if he had to. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't keep his
mind off Tommy and what happened under the stairwell, though, so he'd finally
driven over to Lori's house out of sheer desperation.
He waited while she shut the door behind him, glancing around the foyer he'd
seen enough times now to not be intimidated by anymore. It was still a little
daunting to be in Lori Baxter's house, but he did a pretty good job of
pretending he didn't think anything of it. At least he hoped she couldn't tell
how nervous he was every time he walked through her front door. In the
beginning it was the prospect of having to go through a guard only to pull up
in front of a house that was easily three times the size of his, but the more
he got to know Lori the more he'd started to worry about what she was going to
ask him next.
They made their way downstairs in silence, Merton trailing behind Lori as he
promised himself he wasn't going to tell her anything about Tommy. For one
thing he didn't really feel comfortable talking to anyone about their
relationship, and then there was the possibility – no, probability – that she'd
just call Tommy as soon as he left and report everything Merton had said. In
fact if Tommy hadn't pulled him under the stairs during lunch to make sure
Merton wasn't mad he'd still think that Tommy put Lori up to inviting him over.
Now he wasn't so sure; the logical part of his brain kept trying to convince
him that Tommy might have done that just to throw him off, but the part of him
that wanted to trust his boyfriend wouldn't let him believe it.
At least not completely, because what kind of boyfriend could he really be if
he didn't trust Tommy at all? Not that their relationship anywhere close to
normal, not when they had to sneak around to see each other and it was a major
risk just to spend a couple minutes alone during school. Still, the memory of
Tommy pressed up against him under the stairs had kept him distracted all
afternoon, and he was sure Lori would be able to tell something was on his mind
the minute she got a good look at him.
When they reached the family room she motioned him over to the couch and
disappeared behind the bar, resurfacing with a soda in each hand. True to her
word, there was a pizza box on the coffee table and Merton was surprised to
find that he was hungry even though his stomach lurched every time a stray
memory of the kiss under the stairwell snuck up on him. She settled down in a
chair next to the couch and flipped open the box, pulling out a piece of pizza
before shoving the box in Merton's direction. For a few minutes neither of them
said anything, and the longer the silence stretched out the more nervous Merton
got about why Lori had invited him over. He knew she wanted to talk, but
talking could mean a lot of different things and he wasn't at all sure he was
ready for a conversation with her.
"So what's going on with you?" Lori asked suddenly, startling him out of his
thoughts and nearly making him choke on a mouthful of soda.
When he caught his breath and managed to swallow without spitting soda all over
the coffee table and his clothes he ventured a glance at her. "What do you
mean?"
Lori rolled her eyes and let out an exaggerated sigh as she leaned forward to
meet his gaze. "I mean the way you were brooding this morning, and the way you
always look like you're expecting something bad to happen any second. You're
not that way when you're here, at least not usually. Right now you're acting a
little nervous. So what's going on?"
"It's pretty obvious, isn't it?" he asked. "If I look nervous at school it's
because usually something bad is about to happen. Tim and Travis hate me, I
have to watch every single step. Then there's this whole thing with Tommy…"
"You like him, don't you?"
Merton didn't bother to hide his surprise at the question; he'd just assumed
that Tommy told Lori most of the things that went on between them, which meant
she'd have to know that he liked Tommy. Hopefully Tommy hadn't told her
everything, but it was possible considering how close they seemed to be. "Yeah,
of course I like him. I like him a lot."
"Good." Lori smiled and reached for another piece of pizza, arranging it on her
plate before she looked back up at him again. "Look, if I promise not to tell
Tommy anything you say then you can't tell him anything I say either, okay?"
He nodded mutely, too caught up in wondering where she was going with this to
remember that he'd promised himself he wasn't going to tell her anything
period. The fact that she wasn't even sure if he liked Tommy was enough of a
surprise without Lori telling him stuff that would upset his boyfriend.
"He'd seriously kill me if he knew we were having this conversation. If I even
ask how things are going with you he tells me to mind my own business, I have
to drag everything out of him."
"You mean he…?" Merton trailed off, his cheeks flushing as it sank in that
Tommy didn't run right to Lori to tell her every detail of their relationship
the second he left Merton's house.
"What, did he tell me what you two do when you're alone? Don't worry, he hasn't
said anything incriminating. I mean it doesn't bother me, but he's got this
weird thing about privacy." She grinned as he blushed an even deeper shade of
red and squirmed a little on the couch. "If I'd known you were gonna be just as
bad I probably wouldn't have bothered."
"I don't get it. You actually want to know what we…why?"
Lori shrugged as though the answer should be obvious, but none of it made any
sense to Merton. Not her interest in him, not the fact that she let everybody
at school think she and Tommy were the It Couple of Pleasantville High. "Why
not? I mean it's not like there's anything going on in my life, might as well
live vicariously through my friends."
He filed Lori's apparent fascination with his sex life in the part of his brain
allocated to things he never, ever needed to think about, shaking his head
glumly as he wondered how he'd gotten himself in this situation. It was bad
enough to be half of what had to be the most scandalous relationship to hit
Pleasantville in years; the fact that somehow, whether he liked it or not, Lori
was an important part of his relationship was a little too uncomfortable to
think about.
"Merton?"
Most of the blood in his body was pooled in his cheeks and he knew for sure
that he'd never live through the end of this conversation, but he had to ask.
It was like he didn't even have a choice, he just had to know. "The whole
school thinks you're his girlfriend."
He wasn't sure if she'd understand what exactly he was trying to ask from one
whispered sentence, but when he ventured a glance over at her she was looking
at him with such sympathy that he winced and looked away again. Maybe it
shouldn't bother him – he'd tried telling himself a thousand times that it
didn't matter what the kids at school thought, but no matter how hard he tried
to ignore it he always came back to that one thought. No matter how innocent
Tommy and Lori's relationship was, she was still the most important
relationship in Tommy's life. At least publicly, and that mattered a lot even
if it shouldn't.
"Who cares what they think? It's not like it's true. I mean I like you and all,
but not enough to share a guy with you."
He matched her grin in spite of himself, forcing himself to relax a little. It
wasn't Lori's fault everyone at school assumed she and Tommy were dating, and
if she wasn't around to help Tommy keep up appearances things would probably be
even harder for him and Merton. "How'd that happen, anyway?" he heard himself
ask.
"What, my so-called relationship with Tommy? I just happened to be in the right
place at the right time, I guess. When I first saw him he was right in the
middle of breaking up with Stacey, it was this huge, messy scene in front of
all their friends. Just the usual 'you care more about football than us' and a
lot of Tommy looking embarrassed and pretty much at a loss for what to say. He
just looked so pathetic standing there while she yelled at him, so I created a
diversion."
"A diversion?"
Lori nodded and bounced a little in her chair, her eyes lit up in amusement at
the memory. "Yeah, I 'accidentally' bumped into Stacey and spilled a soda all
over her. She forgot about screaming at Tommy once she was soaking wet, and a
couple of her little cheerleader drones drug her off to the bathroom to clean
her up. Tommy apologized to me for a couple of the choice things she called
me." She paused and flashed a warm grin at Merton. "I remember thinking that he
was a really good guy, to try to apologize for some chick that had been reading
him the riot act a minute ago. It took less than ten minutes for somebody to
come up with a rumor that I dumped my drink on Stacey because I was jealous,
and from there it turned into Tommy dumping her for me."
"Why didn't you just set everybody straight?"
Another shrug and she picked up her soda, her smile faltering as she thought
about the best way to answer his question. "I didn't really care what Tommy's
friends thought. So I figured if he wasn't going to set them straight why
should I bother? I mean it only took me about five seconds alone with him to
figure out he wasn't interested in me, so it wasn't like I was hoping. He was
the only person I knew at Pleasantville, though, so I started hanging out with
him and it didn't take long to figure out why he wasn't interested. Anyway if
he hadn't told me I would've known the first time I saw him look at you."
Merton flushed again, ignoring her knowing smirk and the warmth that crept
through him at the thought of Tommy watching him at school. "He doesn't look at
me."
"Of course he doesn't do it when you're looking." She rolled her eyes and
muttered something under her breath about boys and denial. "If anybody saw you
guys looking at each other in school they'd know the truth before you had a
chance to blink." She paused when she caught the mixture of hope and misery
etched in Merton's features, sighing sympathetically and softening her voice.
"I know Tommy's not much of a talker so he probably hasn't said anything to
you, but it's not like he wants it this way. If it wasn't for his dad I don't
think he'd really care what anybody at school thought. For what it's worth."
Merton managed a small smile, swallowing the rush of fear he got whenever
someone mentioned Tommy's parents. He knew that if the truth got out Tommy's
life would be miserable, not to mention that they'd probably never see each
other again. If Tommy's dad didn't kill him he'd definitely make Tommy's life
difficult, and if he was allowed out of the house at all it would only be to go
to school and practice. "Yeah, I know. I mean about his dad…he's talked about
him a little."
"He's got this idea in his head that if he can just make it to college that
maybe his dad will back off," she said, shaking her head in a way that let
Merton know that she knew as well as he did that Tommy was lying to himself.
"At first I thought he really believed that, that when he got to college he
could just do what he wanted and his dad wouldn't hassle him as long as he
played well. After awhile I figured out that it's the only way he can cope –
like he has to tell himself that so he doesn't lose it completely, you know?"
The ever-present ache in Merton's chest twisted painfully, and he found himself
gasping sharply against the sensation. He knew Tommy's home life was screwed
up, but he'd never really stopped to think about all the denial Tommy had to
live with. There was no way he was ever going to be able to stop pretending,
not as long as he worried about his father's approval. Nothing would change
once he got to college; he'd still be living under their roof, playing football
on a scholarship his father got for him. He'd still be living out the life his
older brother hadn't wanted, and as far as Merton could tell Tommy had never
even thought about telling his father he didn't want it either.
Along with the heartbreak he felt for Tommy came the guilt of knowing that they
never really talked about anything when they were together. In some ways he
knew Tommy better than anyone, but there was so much about him that Merton
didn't know. It was strange that he could be so completely in love with someone
and know less about him than the girl that pretended to be his girlfriend. He
let out a frustrated sigh and ran his fingers through his hair, willing himself
to stop thinking about something he couldn't change. It wasn't like he could
just bring this stuff up with Tommy; their relationship was such a weird
balance of silent understandings that he knew any little misstep would ruin
everything. He wanted to know everything about Tommy, but at the same time just
the thought of talking to him about any of this made his stomach turn.
"He can't live like that forever," Merton said, casting an almost desperate
glance at Lori. "He'll drive himself crazy. Or worse."
As soon as he said it he saw all the possibilities flash in her eyes, and he
knew without hearing it that she understood exactly what he meant. There was no
way anybody could live with that kind of pressure forever, and Tommy was
already having a hard time with it. Merton could tell that much from the few
slips he'd made so far in their relationship, from the way Tommy took chances
with kissing him at school to the way he'd stumbled into the kitchen right in
front of Merton's parents without bothering to pretend they hadn't spent the
night together. Sometimes he wondered if Tommy even knew what he was risking,
or if part of him was so sick of living his father's dream that he wanted to
get caught.
"He used to be wound a lot tighter, believe it or not," Lori said, drawing his
attention back to her. "Since you…well, he's a lot more distracted but he's
definitely more relaxed."
Merton was caught between the secret thrill of knowing what a huge affect he
had on Tommy and fear of the responsibility that put on his shoulders. Even if
Tommy did feel even half of what Merton felt for him, that still didn't change
the fact that everything ended when they graduated. He knew better than to try
to lie to himself that they could keep things going long distance, even if
Tommy wanted to he was smart enough to know it wouldn't work. Their lives would
be way too different, and eventually somebody would get hurt. It made more
sense to just make a clean break in May, but suddenly Merton was terrified of
what that would do to Tommy.
He didn't realize he was shaking his head until he felt a hand land on his
shoulder, and he flushed when he realized Lori had moved over to the couch. She
was frowning at him, all her usual amusement edged out by a concerned
expression. "I didn't mean to freak you out, I mean I thought you'd want to
know that he likes you."
"It's not that," he said, wincing when his voice broke. "I'm just…it's a lot,
that's all. A couple hours ago I wasn't sure what the hell I was doing, and
now…"
"Look, Merton, you're a good guy. You're smart and you're nice and despite all
the crap you put up with at school you've still got a sense of humor about
things. I can definitely see why Tommy likes you so much, but you can't save
him from his life. Nobody can, and believe me, I've tried talking sense into
him when it comes to his dad. He wants to do it the hard way, and no matter how
hard it is to watch we have to let him figure it out for himself."
He managed a feeble grin before he fixed his gaze on the floor in front of him,
not trusting himself to answer her with words. There was so much more to it
than she realized, starting with how strong his feelings for Tommy were and
ending with the fact that in a few months he'd be gone for good. He didn't
think it was possible to be any more confused than he was when he found himself
driving over to Lori's house, but now his head was spinning and he wasn't sure
if he'd be able to stand up without falling over. She was right that neither of
them could solve Tommy's problems for him, but until tonight he hadn't really
stopped to consider quite how complicated Tommy's life was. Even sneaking in
one night a week with Merton was a risk, and they had less than sixteen weeks
left to be together.
His stomach lurched again and he found himself wishing he hadn't eaten after
all, worried that he'd throw up on Lori's parents' expensive-looking carpet. "I
should go," he said, his voice soft and a little rougher than he'd been going
for.
"I totally made things worse, didn't I?" she asked with a small sigh.
"No, everything's fine," he lied, forcing himself to smile at her. It was
obvious from her expression that she wasn't buying it, but he hated the thought
of her feeling guilty over something that wasn't her fault. "I've just got a
bunch of homework to do tonight."
"Look, Merton, I know I haven't known you or Tommy for that long, but you guys
are both pretty strong. I mean you've been putting up with those idiots at
school your whole life, and Tommy's got a lot of experience dealing with his
dad. It'll all work out."
She looked so hopeful, so desperate to believe that it really would work out,
that he couldn't help hoping she was right. "Maybe. Thanks for the pizza,
Lori."
"Any time," she answered as she followed him up the stairs. He managed an
almost cheerful grin as he waved goodbye to her, waiting until he heard the
front door shut behind him before he let his shoulders fall. She wasn't any
more convinced than he was that things would work out for Tommy, but she was
right that they couldn't do anything about it. Still, he couldn't help
wondering if there was anything he could say to Tommy to make things change, or
maybe just to make it a little easier for both of them.
Knowing that Tommy had genuine feelings for him made it a little easier to deal
with the fact that they had to be so careful all the time, and it even erased a
little of the hurt every time he heard someone at school talking about Tommy
and Lori as though they were a package deal. He knew it was all an act so that
nobody would ask any uncomfortable questions, and the fact that he was Lori's
tutor gave Tommy an excuse to talk to him at all. If anyone asked he could just
brush off the question by referring to Merton as his girlfriend's tutor, say
something vague about giving the kid a break and no one would think twice about
it. As long as Tommy's image as Pleasantville's Golden Boy was intact nobody
would bother them, and the little time they managed to spend together was more
than Merton ever would have hoped for.
So he should be grateful that Tommy was willing to take the risk at all; he
should be happy that his fantasy about having Tommy all to himself had actually
come true and let that be enough. If that was what it took to make Tommy's life
a little easier Merton would do it. He wasn't sure how, but somehow he'd
swallow what little pride he had left and take what he could get of Tommy for
as long as he could. He pushed the thought of how little time they really had
to the back of his mind and climbed into his car, telling himself he was going
home to focus on his History homework and not to obsess about what Tommy was
doing.
***** Chapter 23 *****
Friday was quickly becoming Merton's favorite day of the week; his favorite
word, even, because no matter how long the week behind him stretched out he
knew that Friday brought an end to the waiting. A temporary end, because it all
started again the very next day, but as long as it was still Friday he had
something to look forward to. He knew it was pathetic to live his life for one
night out of the entire week, but ever since the first time Tommy kissed him
he'd been breathing only for the next kiss and nothing he'd tried so far could
change that.
He'd tried telling himself he was being stupid, tried convincing himself that
he was getting too wrapped up in a relationship that wasn't even real. He'd
nearly convinced himself to give up on Tommy a few times, only to remember how
those lips felt pressed against his or the way Tommy tasted on his tongue. He'd
get a flash of hot skin moving against his right in the middle of the day,
making him blush in the middle of whatever class he happened to be in. The
thought of giving that up was…well, it was unthinkable. If he could just forget
how right it felt to be with Tommy long enough to walk away he could make a
clean break, but every time he tried his entire body betrayed him.
It was like Tommy's touch was imprinted on his skin; even the thought of an arm
around his shoulder while they watched a movie together was enough to convince
him he couldn't end things between them. Not that he really thought he could
just walk away, but it was nice to pretend for a little while that he had that
kind of strength. It made him wonder what he was going to do when school ended
and he had to walk away, but he hadn't heard from Johns Hopkins yet so maybe
there was still hope for a nice, quiet summer in Pleasantville.
As soon as school ended Merton practically raced for his car, desperate to get
away from the high school before he had another run-in with Tim and Travis.
He'd managed to avoid them since the beginning of the week, although it meant
steering clear of the few times during the day when he actually had a chance to
catch a glimpse of Tommy in the hallway. He hadn't spoken to Tommy since Monday
under the stairs, but every once in awhile he'd glance across the cafeteria and
find his boyfriend watching him. As soon as he looked up Tommy would look away,
but the split second of eye contact always filled Merton with a warmth that was
half desire and half fear.
Not that he didn't like the fact that Tommy was looking at him, but if he'd
noticed then sooner or later someone else was going to notice. In the beginning
the risk of getting caught had seemed almost thrilling, an extra rush of
adrenaline to go along with the rush he always got from kissing Tommy. Now that
he knew what it would cost Tommy, though, it didn't seem worth the risk. Not
when the other boy's whole future was at stake, and from what Merton knew of
Tommy's father that was exactly what he stood to lose.
He let himself into his house and made his way to the kitchen, smiling
distractedly at his father as he headed for the fridge. "There's some mail for
you, son," Mr. Dingle said, raising an eyebrow when Merton glanced over at him.
"Thanks," Merton mumbled, grabbing a Coke and an apple before he headed over to
the table and sank into the chair next to his father. He picked up the envelope
his father set in front of him, setting his snack down and swallowing hard when
he saw the return address. He'd been working for this moment for almost a year,
pouring everything into building up his student portfolio and making sure he
had all the grades and the best letters of recommendation. When he was a junior
spending the summer in Washington D.C. had seemed like a dream come true; not
only did it get him out of Pleasantville three months early, but he'd be
studying Chemistry and earning college credit before he even started college.
Now, though, the thought of opening that envelope and reading what he was
positive was an acceptance letter filled him with a sense of dread. There was
no way he'd get turned down for a spot in the program, he'd never be that
lucky. If he got turned down he'd have a perfect excuse to spend the summer
with Tommy, but he knew he'd gotten in. He didn't even have to open the
envelope, except that his father was sitting next to him and he knew if he
didn't open it his dad would start to ask questions.
He took a deep breath and turned it over, running a shaky finger under the flap
to break the seal. Once the envelope was open he pulled out two sheets of
paper, holding his breath as he unfolded them and began to read. He never got
past the first line: Dear Mr. Dingle, We are pleased to inform you that your
application for the Summer Research Institute has been accepted…. As soon as he
registered the word 'accepted' he stopped reading, his gaze still fixed on the
paper in his hand without seeing the words.
So that was that, in less than four months he'd say goodbye to Tommy forever.
Of course they would have had to say goodbye eventually anyway, but this just
made it seem so much more…final. Not to mention that if he'd been staying home
for the summer it would have given them another two and a half months together,
and Tommy's father couldn't possibly have kept him busy the entire time. It
didn't matter now if Tommy had to work full time at the garage all summer or
even if he spent the summer training for his bright future in the NFL; either
way Merton would be halfway across the country and Tommy would forget about him
in no time.
And yeah, if he was going to be honest with himself that was the part that hurt
the worst, that Tommy would forget him long before he could ever forget Tommy.
It seemed inevitable, though, because Tommy's life would be filled with games
and parties and popularity while Merton drowned himself in science in a new
place where he didn't know anyone. He'd never been that good at making new
friends, and now he was going to be over a thousand miles from everything he'd
ever known. Meanwhile Tommy would be surrounded by kids that had worshipped him
in high school, and his life wouldn't really change all that much. The only
real difference would be that he wouldn't have to sneak around to spend time
with Merton anymore.
He'd wondered how long it would take Tommy to replace him, but suddenly the
possibility seemed all too real and it made breathing a little harder than
usual. The weight on his chest pressed down, cutting off the air supply to his
lungs. He was vaguely aware of the letter being pulled out of his hands and set
on the table in front of him, but he didn't look up to see his father's worried
expression.
"Son? Merton, just calm down and breathe for me."
His lungs filled automatically, his body acting independently of his brain as
he blinked and tried to focus on his father. There was worry in the older man's
expression, but also an unmistakable spark of pride that made Merton's stomach
twist painfully. Once his father was convinced he wasn't going to
hyperventilate he picked up the letter again, scanning the contents before he
turned back to Merton.
"Honestly, Merton, you don't give yourself enough credit. Did you really think
you wouldn't get in? Just wait until your mother gets home, she'll probably
want to frame this. I never doubted you for a second, though. Johns Hopkins –
that's quite an honor, but you're up to the challenge."
He tuned his father's voice out after that, although he was vaguely aware in
the back of his consciousness of the other man going on and on about the
details of the letter. There would be time soon enough to worry about when he
was supposed to show up at the school and where he'd be staying; for now the
thought of leaving Tommy behind edged out everything else in his mind. All day
long the thought of Tommy coming over after the game had been the only thing
that kept him going, but in less than five minutes his good mood was gone.
There was no way he could tell Tommy what was bothering him, not without
admitting to feelings that he really didn't want to tell Tommy about. Even if
the other boy did feel some kind of affection for him it couldn't be as strong
as what Merton felt, and he wasn't going to risk scaring Tommy away by telling
him the truth.
"Something on your mind?"
"What?" Merton shook himself out of his thoughts and looked up at his father,
his heart skipping a beat as he recognized the older man's expression. He must
have asked Merton a question about the program, and now he knew that Merton
hadn't even been listening to him. "Sorry, Dad, I guess I was just thinking
about the summer."
"It's certainly exciting," Mr. Dingle said, although from his guarded smile
Merton could tell he wasn't buying it. The best thing to do was get out of
there and retreat to the safety of his room before his father decided to start
grilling him about his distraction. He stood up and backed toward the door, his
Coke and apple forgotten on the table.
"Yeah, I'm…uh, I'm gonna go check out the web site again. Gotta make a list of
what to bring and all." He turned without waiting for an answer and pushed the
kitchen door open, escaping down the hall and into his room before his father
could stop him. Once he was alone he took a deep breath and glanced around at
the clothes and books strewn all over the place, for once grateful that his
room needed to be cleaned. At least it would give him something to do for a
little while, and hopefully keep his mind off Tommy and his summer plans.
~
When the doorbell finally rang just after 9:00 Merton's room was spotless, his
keyboard had been cleaned – twice – and he'd rearranged his closet by color.
Most of his homework was done and he'd even gotten a head start on researching
the History paper he knew was coming up, but the entire time he'd been doing
busywork he hadn't been able to stop thinking about Tommy. He was always there,
right at the edge of Merton's subconscious. Every so often he'd get a moment's
reprieve from wondering what Tommy was doing, who he was talking to and what he
was thinking about. It would only last a second, though, then he'd realize that
he'd forgotten and go right back to thinking about Tommy.
He'd been uncharacteristically quiet during dinner, answering his parents'
enthusiastic questions about his acceptance letter with polite but short
answers. It was obvious to both of them that he was brooding about something,
but he refused to talk about it and eventually they gave up trying to get him
to tell them. Even Becky decided it was a good idea to just leave him alone,
announcing shortly after dinner that she was going to spend the night at a
friend's. So Merton was left to what had become a familiar obsession, wondering
what Tommy was doing and how long they'd have together before he had to go back
to that other life that didn't include Merton.
For all he knew Tommy wouldn't even be able to stay long enough to watch a
movie, because if he had to go home that night he'd have to be there by 11:00.
Which gave them less than two hours together, and if Tommy was held up after
the game it gave them even less time. He nearly jumped out of his skin when the
doorbell finally rang, tripping over his own feet in his hurry to get to it
before either of his parents did. When he reached the door he stopped and took
a deep breath, glancing down at his clothes and scowling at the wrinkles in his
shirt before he pulled the door open and promptly forgot how to breathe.
Tommy leaned against the doorframe, his hair still damp from a post-game shower
and a lazy grin turning up the corners of his mouth. He shut the door behind
him before pulling Merton forward, a strong hand landing on the back of the
smaller boy's neck as Tommy leaned down and brushed their lips together. If
either of his parents happened into the hallway at that moment they would have
heard the grunt of surprise from Tommy as he found himself pushed back against
the front door, his other hand landing on Merton's waist to tug him impossibly
closer.
The only rational thought Merton was capable of at that moment was that four
days was way too long to wait for this; in fact four minutes seemed a waste of
time if it wasn't spent kissing Tommy, and the idea that his parents might see
them didn't even register. Even when he pulled away to catch his breath it
didn't occur to him to put any space between them, not when Tommy was warm and
solid pressed up against him. He looked up into bright green eyes, registering
a slightly more dazed version of Tommy's grin as he dove for the other boy's
lips again.
Tommy met him halfway, teeth clashing in a way that should have made them blush
and pull away. It had been way too long since they'd gotten the chance to just
be together, though, so Merton ignored the awkward start and set about making
their second kiss of the evening even more amazing than the first. Or maybe
this was just an extension of the first…he wasn't sure, but it didn't matter
when Tommy's hand slid to the small of his back to pull him flush against the
body pressing into the front door. He groaned at the evidence of Tommy's
arousal pressing into his hip, alarms going off in his head when he realized
how quickly this could get out of hand.
They were still standing right in front of the door, after all, and even if his
parents had more or less sanctioned their relationship that didn't mean they'd
be okay with finding them making out in the foyer. Somehow he managed to garner
enough will power to pull away, taking an unsteady step backwards and shaking
his head mournfully. "Uh…hi."
"Hi," Tommy echoed, his voice breathy as his chest rose and fell erratically.
"Parents?"
"Kitchen."
"Shit."
"Yeah." Merton grinned sheepishly and glanced over his shoulder, ensuring
himself that his parents were in fact still in the kitchen and not watching the
show they were putting on in the hallway. "Don't suppose you want to say hi."
Tommy groaned and pushed himself off the door, taking a deep breath and running
his fingers through his hair as he tried to pull himself together long enough
to make small talk with Merton's parents. "I think I'm okay."
"That makes one of us," Merton said as he turned away from the other boy and
led him in the direction of the kitchen. He'd told his parents at dinner that
Tommy was coming over after the game, but he knew if he didn't at least stick
his head in the kitchen and announce Tommy's presence that they'd come looking
for them in his room. He stifled a sigh and pushed the door open, thanking
whoever was listening that neither of his parents looked up. "Mom, Dad, Tommy's
here."
As soon as he said Tommy's name Mr. Dingle did look up, smiling cheerfully as
he beckoned them into the kitchen. "Tommy, wonderful to see you. How was the
game?"
"We lost," Tommy answered, a smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth as he
watched Merton's father frown in disappointment. "I didn't really feel like
going out to celebrate with the team after so it's okay."
"You must be hungry after running around a basketball court," Merton's mother
chimed in, standing up and heading for the stove before either boy had a chance
to respond. "You boys run along and start your movie and I'll make you some
popcorn."
"I don't know if Tommy can stay that long," Merton said. He ventured a glance
over at Tommy, praying he didn't look as hopeful as he felt. "Don't you have to
get home soon?"
Tommy shook his head, the smile that lit up his features making Merton's
stomach flip as he glanced over at his mother. "No, I can hang out for awhile.
Thanks, Mrs. Dingle, I'm starving."
She smiled indulgently and shooed them out of the kitchen, either oblivious to
or ignoring the frustrated look on her son's face. He led Tommy back toward the
family room, glancing down the hall to make sure his father hadn't followed him
before he turned his attention back to the other boy. "We don't have to watch a
movie if you don't want. I mean we could go hang out in my room but my mom's
gonna come in at some point…" He trailed off, his cheeks flushing furiously. He
was tempted to roll his eyes at himself for not being able to talk about sex
considering what they'd already done together, but doing it and actually
discussing it were too entirely different things. What he really wanted to do
was drag Tommy down the hall to his room and get him out of all those clothes,
but there was no way that was going to happen with his parents right down the
hall.
"Your parents know…I mean about you and me, right?"
Merton blinked, blushing an even deeper shade of red as he nodded confirmation
of the unexpected question. "Yeah, I mean I don't know how they figured it
out…"
Tommy glanced over his shoulder to make sure neither of Merton's parents were
listening before he reached out and pulled the other boy down onto the couch
with him. He leaned forward and brushed his lips against Merton's mouth,
planting soft kisses along his jaw to stop at his ear. "It probably wasn't that
hard to figure out," he murmured, hot breath sending shivers of anticipation
straight to Merton's groin. "I mean they're so cool about it, it's kind of nice
to have one place where we don't have to worry about it, right?"
Just when Merton thought he couldn't be any more grateful for his parents than
he already was, Tommy pointed out another reason he hadn't thought of. He was
right, of course; inside Merton's house was the only place where they could
really relax and not worry about who was going to see them together. As long as
his sister wasn't home, anyway. "I guess so. Why?"
He stifled a disappointed sigh as Tommy pulled back to look at him, a strong
hand coming up to trace the curve of his neck. "I told my dad I was staying
over with one of the guys from the team tonight," Tommy said. Merton barely
caught a flash of embarrassment in his eyes before Tommy looked down at their
still entwined hands. "I mean I can still go home if you want, but I don't have
to."
The thought that Tommy was at all worried that Merton wouldn't want him to stay
almost made him laugh, but as soon as he remembered what his parents had said
last weekend he sighed and looked away. "I don't want you to go, but my
parents…they're not that cool about everything." He paused and took a deep
breath, forcing himself to meet the other boy's gaze. "After last weekend…they
said you can still stay over, but you have to sleep in the guest room."
"Oh." Merton watched as Tommy's normally golden skin slowly turned pink, the
part of his brain that wasn't busy dying of humiliation registering that Tommy
looked even more beautiful when he blushed. "So they…"
"Yeah," Merton interrupted before Tommy could finish his sentence. The thought
that his parents knew that Tommy was his boyfriend was one thing, but
entertaining the thought that they might have actually heard them…he shut down
the thought as soon as it surfaced and cleared his throat nervously. "Pretty
much."
"Okay." Tommy paused and looked away again, and for an agonizing moment Merton
thought he might actually change his mind about staying if it meant they
couldn't spend the whole night together. Then Tommy turned back and grinned
sheepishly, his cheeks flushing a deeper shade of red. "They're cool with me
staying over, though? I mean as long as I don't actually sleep in your room…and
they don't care if I put my arm around you or whatever while we're watching the
movie?"
Merton shrugged, hoping the relief flooding his system didn't show on his face.
"I guess not. I mean they weren't mad or anything, I think they're just trying
to do the responsible parent thing. And there's my sister, she's not here
tonight but she's been known to barge in unannounced. So basically as long as
everybody keeps their clothes on there's no problem."
If it was possible to actually die of embarrassment Merton was sure he would
have done it already, but this conversation was definitely on his list of most
embarrassing moments to date. Never in his wildest dreams had he pictured
himself sitting on the couch with Tommy in his parents' family room, calmly
discussing how far was too far where his parents were concerned. The fact that
Tommy still wanted to stay was enough to keep a grin permanently affixed on his
face for at least the next week, but the thought that they could find a way
around his parents' 'separate rooms' rule was too good to be true. Tommy was
right – as long as they were careful and he actually slept in the guest room
his parents probably wouldn't even know.
"So what movie are we watching?" Tommy asked, his grin matching Merton's as the
smaller boy shook himself out of his reverie and looked up.
"Whatever you want," Merton answered, standing up and tugging Tommy off the
couch to dig through his video collection. He barely registered the titles as
he rattled them off, positive that as soon as the movie ended he wouldn't even
remember what they'd watched. The idea of spending a couple hours cuddling on
the couch with Tommy didn't seem so much like torture after all, not when he
knew they had the whole night to look forward to.
***** Chapter 24 *****
Not only did Merton remember what movies they'd watched, he remembered every
painstaking detail of Nightmare on Elm Street – parts I and II. Not that he
didn't already have them both pretty much memorized, but the fact that his
parents had chosen to stay up much later than usual just made him more aware of
everything that was going on around him. Halfway into the first movie he
expected his mother to come in and say goodnight, and when she didn't he had a
suspicion they were staying up just to see if Tommy was going to go home at
some point. He thought he'd taken care of that problem when he went into the
kitchen after the end of the first movie and announced as casually as possible
that yes, Tommy was staying over, and yes, he remembered about the guestroom.
That wasn't good enough, though; no, his parents wouldn't rest until they both
walked into the family room at the exact moment that Tommy decided it would be
a really good idea to kiss Merton. They'd sat through one blood-drenched horror
masterpiece without more than an arm loosely draped around his shoulders, but
the second Tommy finally relaxed enough to move things along his parents
decided to say goodnight. They never had that kind of radar when Merton was
sort-of-dating Alistair. Of course most of their sort-of-dates had happened
either at Alistair's house or in Merton's car, but that wasn't really the
point. No, the point was that Merton's parents were on to him, and they'd made
it very clear without ever having to say a word.
Merton wasn't even embarrassed that they'd caught him and Tommy kissing. Okay,
maybe a little, if the color of his face when his father cleared his throat
meant anything at all. More than anything he was just annoyed that they were
torturing him, though, because it was bad enough that he and Tommy had to sneak
around without his parents hovering around them when they finally got some time
together. And he could just tell by the look on his mom's face that she was
dying to make some comment about how cute they were or something, maybe ask if
she could take a picture like they were going to the prom. He knew he should be
grateful that his parents didn't think he was a freak or throw him out of the
house for shaming the family the way Tommy's parents probably would, but he
just couldn't work up any gratitude. Not when they were deliberately trying to
make him so uncomfortable that he wouldn't even think about trying to sneak
Tommy into his bedroom.
Not that he was planning on doing that. He was smarter than that; smart enough
to know that while his bedroom was separated from his parents' only by the
hallway, the guestroom was a converted den all the way at the end of the house.
And it had a lock.
So it was with a single-minded determination that Merton sat through the second
movie without ever trying to convince Tommy that his parents really had gone to
bed and it would be safe for them to kiss again. He didn't even try to convince
Tommy that there was no reason to be embarrassed about his parents catching
them kissing, it wouldn't do any good anyway and he had other things in mind
for the night ahead of them. When the movie ended he sent Tommy to the
guestroom alone, handed over some towels and the toothbrush he'd gotten from
his last trip to the dentist and never used, and gone to his own room. He shut
the door and got undressed, slipped into a pair of cotton pajama bottoms and
brushed his teeth. He shut the bathroom door that led to his bedroom and opened
the one that led to Becky's room, feeling his way through the unfamiliar
bedroom in the dark without making a single noise that would attract his
parents' attention.
He had a feeling he should feel like some kind of deviant for sneaking around
his own house just so he could go slip into bed with his boyfriend, but all he
really felt as he closed Becky's door and made his way down the hall was a
sense of triumph. Of course there was a good chance his parents figured he was
planning to do this anyway and they just wanted him to know they didn't condone
it, but he was still pretty pleased with himself when he closed and locked the
guestroom door behind him. As soon as he slipped into the room Tommy looked up,
his grin tempered by a nervous energy that made Merton's heart skip a beat.
"Are you sure this is a good idea?" he asked from his seat on the edge of the
bed. He'd already stripped down to his boxers, and as Merton took in the
expanse of bare skin just waiting to be touched he couldn't help thinking that
it was a very, very good idea indeed.
"Positive," he answered as he crossed the room and climbed onto the bed next to
Tommy. He knelt down behind the taller boy, flattening his palms against broad
shoulders before he began kneading the tension out of the other boy's muscles.
"My room's right across from theirs, if I'd been thinking at all the last time
you slept over I would have thought of that."
"Yeah, but what if they decide to check up on us?" Tommy said, although there
was no real force behind his words as he let his neck fall forward in response
to the impromptu massage. "I mean if you're not in your room…"
"That's a chance we're gonna have to take," Merton answered, sounding more
confident than he felt. The truth was that if his parents caught him breaking
the only real rule they'd laid down about his relationship with Tommy that
would probably end any future sleepovers, but he was willing to risk it for
this. The feel of soft, hot skin under his hands and the helpless little moans
coming from somewhere deep in Tommy's throat made it worth any risk. "Anyway I
locked the door, so even if they do figure it out they're not gonna just walk
in."
That seemed to make Tommy feel better, because he leaned a little further
forward, forcing Merton's hands lower on his spine. "God…where'd you learn to
do that?" he asked, his voice thick with pleasure already.
Merton smiled and dug his thumbs into a knot at the center of Tommy's shoulder
blades, leaning forward to plant a kiss on the side of the other boy's neck
before he went back to working the tension out of his back. "I'm just making it
up as I go along. You looked like you needed to relax."
Tommy let out a long, low sigh and turned slowly so he could look over his
shoulder at Merton without actually pulling away from his hands. "You could
make a fortune doing this. Seriously, you're a natural."
It was one of those silly compliments that didn't really mean anything,
something people said when 'thank you' didn't seem adequate to describe how
grateful they were. He knew Tommy wasn't really expecting an answer because as
soon as he finished talking he turned away again, head down so his spine was
curved perfectly into Merton's hands. It wasn't supposed to mean anything, it
wasn't supposed to make him feel warm and nervous and bold all at once. That
was exactly how he felt, though; like something was about to happen that he
wasn't ready for but he suddenly wanted more than anything without even knowing
what it was.
He'd never been that forward with Tommy; he wasn't shy exactly, when they were
alone he didn't mind initiating kisses or showing Tommy how to do new things.
They never talked about it, but Tommy was always happy to let Merton take the
lead without much of a fight. Merton would never be bold enough to try kissing
Tommy in school or even strike up a conversation with him in front of his
friends, but when they were alone things were different. Tommy was just Tommy,
not the popular jock with a constant trail of admirers and a charmed life. It
scared Merton sometimes to know that he was one of the few people that new the
real story behind the captain of the football team, but part of him loved the
fact that he knew exactly how much more there was to Tommy.
Maybe it was the fact that there was a very real danger of them getting caught
breaking the rules, or it was just the fact that they hadn't spent any time
together in a week. Either way he was feeling much bolder tonight than usual,
and he knew if he didn't find something to do with his mouth soon he was going
to say a few things that he might live to regret. He let his hands wander down
the length of Tommy's back, his fingers grazing the waistband of his boxers as
his mouth found Tommy's neck again. The response would have been alarming if he
hadn't been so turned on before he even got in the room, but when he found
himself flat on his back less than three seconds later he couldn't help
grinning.
"Not as relaxed as I thought," he said, raising an eyebrow as Tommy's eyes
darkened.
"I think I'm going crazy," Tommy said, but he wasn't really focused on the boy
underneath him and Merton wasn't sure if he even realized he'd said it out
loud. He wanted to ask what Tommy meant, to coax a little information out of
this person he'd fallen so thoroughly in love with without really knowing
anything about him. He wanted to talk about everything and nothing; to tell
Tommy he was leaving town as soon as school ended just to see his reaction.
More than anything he wanted to tell Tommy how he felt at that moment, how sure
he was that his heart was going to burst right out of his chest and the only
thing that made him feel like a normal person even for a little while was
Tommy's touch.
The irony that the thing that made him a freak was the one thing that made him
feel okay wasn't lost on him, but he wasn't sure if Tommy would understand.
Tommy wasn't a freak, after all, and maybe he'd never know what that felt like.
Maybe he could keep this part of him compartmentalized and lead a totally
normal life that his parents could be proud of. Maybe he could even laugh at
the gay jokes in the locker room and tell himself that that wasn't him, that he
was just fooling around and it didn't mean anything as long as nobody found
out. Merton had never been good at denial, though, and he'd always been
painfully aware of who he was and what he wanted.
He'd just never expected to get what he wanted wrapped up in such a strong,
muscular package with hands that sought out every sensitive spot on his skin
and a mouth that did things to him that he couldn't even begin to describe. He
felt like his brain was melting, like he'd discovered the secret of life
without even trying. And even though he knew it could never last he didn't
mind, because Tommy was here now and when their lips met and their bodies moved
together there was nothing and no one else in the entire world that mattered.
He knew he'd mind again later, once Tommy had been well fed by his parents and
kissed him goodbye to go back to the life that everyone that didn't know him
thought was so perfect. In fact it would gnaw at him all weekend and into the
next week; until the next stolen kiss or split second of eye contact across a
crowded cafeteria he'd wonder if any of it had ever really happened at all. He
couldn't wake up with Tommy next to him this time, they had a few stolen
moments alone together in this room but he'd have to get up and go back to his
own bed eventually. So in a way they didn't even have tonight, because there
were rules to be followed and even if his parents claimed to understand they
never could. Not completely; as hard as they tried to love him right and do
what they thought was best, there was no way they'd ever understand how much he
needed to be with Tommy for as long as he could.
Thinking like that while Tommy was within hearing distance was a bad idea,
though, because any second now he might blurt out the words that he knew he
could never, ever say. No matter how much he meant them for the first time in
his short life, no matter how much he wanted Tommy to know that there was
somebody out there that saw more in him than just a jock with a great throwing
arm. He needed a distraction, something he could do to take his mind off
wanting to whisper 'I love you' over and over against golden skin until he was
hoarse just from repeating the words.
A pair of strong hands slid past the waistband of his pajamas, and he realized
as he helped Tommy push them down and off his legs that that was the best
distraction he could think of. He followed suit with Tommy's boxers, letting
out a little hiss when they pressed together and he felt Tommy's arousal settle
into the hollow of his pelvic bone. It was hard to remember while his brain was
so foggy with lust how many times they'd done this before, just a handful
really and the first few times had been a little awkward until they learned
each other and got comfortable with being naked together in a house where
anyone could walk in at any time.
The lack of privacy was a big problem, of course, but not nearly as
insurmountable as the fact that no one could ever know about them outside the
circle of his parents and Lori. It hurt a lot worse than Merton expected to
know that, to think that he couldn't tell anyone what he was going through. He
wanted to ask everyone he knew how they'd felt the first time they fell in
love, just so he'd have something to compare his experiences to. It was out of
the question, of course, but there were times when it was so hard to keep his
mouth shut that he thought he'd crawl out of his skin or implode or just lose
his mind completely.
One of them was murmuring, a low, desperate sound and he wasn't sure who it was
until he focused and realized Tommy was saying something. His mouth was
steadily moving down Merton's chest to work its way over his abdomen, and
Merton knew he should stop Tommy at least long enough to ask what he was
saying, but that mouth was too hot and it felt way too good. He knew what Tommy
had in mind and he couldn't stop him even to find out what he was murmuring
against Merton's skin, even if the last working shred of his brain had a
feeling that whatever it was, it was important.
His fingers threaded in Tommy's hair at the first touch of wet velvet against
hard, pulsing heat, his body pinned to the bed to keep him from thrusting up
into the source of mind-bending pleasure. Maybe this was what Tommy meant when
he said he was going crazy; Merton wanted to ask, but he wanted that feeling
more than he wanted to know any secrets Tommy might be willing to tell him in
the dark in the middle of the night. He bit down hard on his lip to keep from
shouting as the suction got more intense, caught in a weird mixture of pleasure
so intense he couldn't breathe and hyper-awareness that his parents were less
than twenty feet down the hall.
He came before he was ready; he never lasted long with Tommy, but this time it
took him by surprise and he felt a little weird about the reason for it. The
thought that one of his parents could knock on the door any second and ask what
the hell they thought they were doing shouldn't turn him on, should it? As he
lay there trying to catch his breath he told himself it was just the intensity
of the situation, the fact that they hardly ever got to see each other and the
three hours of lying tangled on the couch together while they waited for his
parents to go to bed.
Tommy's mouth was still moving against his skin, planting soft, almost tender
kisses along the curve of his hip as his fingers kneaded Merton's skin along
his other side. They could stay right where they were forever as far as he was
concerned, with the rest of the world safely locked on the other side of the
door where it couldn't touch either of them. He swallowed against the
impossible thought and reached down to tug Tommy up on top of him, the solid
weight reassuring as Tommy's mouth found his again.
Just once he wished he could be with Tommy without thinking depressing thoughts
about when they weren't together anymore or what could happen if someone found
out. Just once he wanted it to be just them, without their families and the
rest of the kids at school and all the other hundreds of things Merton worried
about whenever he couldn't stop himself from thinking about it. He knew it
would never happen – that he'd never be able to shut off the thoughts that
sometimes kept him awake all night long. Still, it was a nice fantasy and even
if he couldn't stop thinking about it that didn't mean he couldn't enjoy being
with Tommy while he had the chance.
He tore his lips away from the other boy's and gently nudged him onto his back,
following the same trail Tommy had blazed down his chest. Tommy's skin smelled
like soap and tasted like salt, and he took his time tracing the curve of his
arm where it met his chest. No matter how many times he got to do this he knew
he'd never get used to it; he'd never get over the fact that Tommy wanted to do
this with him, that he was maybe the first person to show Tommy these things.
He loved the fact that he could draw those breathy little moans out of the body
underneath his, and it didn't matter if his parents heard because he wouldn't
trade that sound for anything.
He opened his mouth against the hollow of Tommy's collarbone, encouraged for a
moment by an almost-growl and the way Tommy thrust into him. For a second he
was so lost in leaving his mark on that perfect golden skin that he forgot, and
when he remembered he pulled back and stared wide-eyed at the green eyes that
blinked open to look up at him. "I'm sorry," he said, his fingers against the
tiny red mark as if he could erase it if he wished it hard enough. "I forgot, I
forgot about the team and the locker room…"
"Merton, it's okay," Tommy said when it finally dawned on him what Merton was
babbling about. He knew he probably looked horrified, but when Tommy grinned up
at him and leaned forward to press their lips together again Merton managed to
relax. "Go ahead," Tommy whispered against his ear when he pulled away again.
"I want you to."
He pushed the last of the lingering worry about the guys at school to the back
of his mind and made his way back to Tommy's collarbone, pressing an almost
reverent kiss to the spot before he finished what he'd started. The whole time
Tommy moaned and squirmed against him, searching futilely for some friction to
relieve the aching growing steadily in his groin. Merton held him down by sheer
force of will, his knees locked on either side of Tommy's thighs and applying
just enough pressure to keep the taller boy from bucking them both off the bed.
When he was satisfied the mark would last awhile he returned to his exploration
of Tommy's chest, marking each new spot with a kiss as his thumbs moved in
soothing circles on either side of Tommy's hips.
He studied each new expanse of skin with loving detail, smiling at the
knowledge that if he wanted to he could damage it just enough that Tommy would
remember he'd been there every time he looked at his bare hip or his stomach or
the curve of his bicep. By the time he took pity on the unintelligible pleading
coming from Tommy's throat he'd forgotten all about the world beyond the two of
them, the one full of people that didn't or wouldn't understand. Slowly he ran
his tongue up Tommy's length, eliciting a sharp gasp that let him know Tommy
wouldn't last much longer than he had. He kept his strokes slow at first,
applying pressure to Tommy's hips that would keep him from thrusting too hard
without leaving finger-shaped bruises in his skin. He didn't really mind the
erratic thrusts anyway; he liked being able to make Tommy lose control, to make
him so desperate for release that he didn't even try to make it last beyond the
first few blissful minutes.
The taste of Tommy on his tongue would have made him hard again if he wasn't
already getting there just from the thought that Tommy was his; even if it was
just for a little while longer and even if no one else knew, they belonged to
each other for now and he was going to make whatever time they had together
count. He swallowed and picked up speed, responding to the way Tommy arched
into him and the fingers clutching almost painfully at his shoulders. Those
would leave finger-shaped bruises on his pale skin, but he didn't mind that
either because it would at least give him some physical reminder of tonight. A
low, drawn-out moan was his only warning, and he pulled back a little to
swallow around Tommy's length before he straightened up and looked down at the
body stretched out in front of him.
Tommy's chest rose and fell with each gasping breath, a sheen of sweat making
his skin slick as Merton ran a hand over the other boy's chest. His fingers
traced the red mark on Tommy's collarbone, and he frowned as he wondered if
that had been such a good idea. Then Tommy's eyes opened and he caught Merton's
hand, tugging him down onto the mattress for another kiss. When they parted
again Tommy turned onto his side, pushing a few wayward strands of dark hair
away from Merton's forehead as he studied the other boy's features in the
darkness.
"Merton, I…" He trailed off and Merton had to struggle not to clench his fist
too hard around Tommy's arm. There was no reason to think Tommy was going to
make some big confession, at least not one that involved any words that Merton
wouldn't let himself say out loud. "Thanks. For letting me stay,
for…everything, I guess. I know the way we got together wasn't ideal or
anything, but I'm glad it happened."
"Yeah. Me too, Tommy," Merton answered, swallowing his disappointment and
reminding himself that if Tommy did declare his undying love it would only make
it harder to leave in a few months anyway. Besides, he knew Tommy liked him,
Lori had told him that point blank. As soon as he remembered that conversation
his heart fell and he closed his eyes and hoped Tommy wouldn't see him blushing
in the dark. Of course it didn't matter if he left hickeys all over Tommy's
body; as far as the entire high school was concerned they came from his
girlfriend.
It should have made him feel better to know that there was no real risk, that
he hadn't screwed up in a way that neither of them could fix. Instead it left
him with a hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach and a cold, hard lump in
his throat. He swallowed a sigh and craned his neck to let Tommy nuzzle the
skin there, a shiver rolling through him as soft lips brushed the skin below
his ear. Too soon he'd have to force himself to get up and go back to his own
room, and there would be plenty of time to brood after Tommy was gone. He let
the hand moving on his back distract him from thinking for a little while
longer, seeking out Tommy's mouth in the darkness so he wouldn't accidentally
say any of the things he was thinking out loud.
***** Chapter 25 *****
Merton woke up expecting to find a warm, solid body pressed up against him in
his narrow bed. When all he found was a twisted mess of sheets he sighed and
ran his hands over his face, the night before rushing back. He wasn't sure how
long he'd stayed in the guestroom after Tommy fell asleep, watching the steady
rise and fall of the other boy's chest. Forcing himself to get up and go back
to his own room was harder than he'd expected it to be, even though he knew
that when he woke up Tommy would still be there. He might even be awake
already, maybe sitting at the kitchen table making small talk with Merton's
parents like it was a perfectly normal occurrence.
He pushed the covers back and sat up, frowning down at his bare chest before he
stood up and stumbled toward the bathroom. Most days he tried to avoid looking
at himself any more than he had to; his slight build and lack of muscle tone
aside, he seemed destined to pale, delicate skin and ice-blue eyes that he was
sure made him look like a ghost. Dyeing his hair black had just made the whole
undead look a little more dramatic, and he scrubbed a hand through his hair as
he frowned at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. Letting the blonde grow
back out before college wouldn't be such a bad idea, but he wasn't really
looking forward to the prospect of shaving his head. And then there was the
question of what Tommy would think…
Which was the real problem, wasn't it? Because he shouldn't care what Tommy
thought any more than he cared what everyone else in school thought, but he
did. He hated himself for it, but he wanted Tommy to find him attractive. He
wanted to know that he wasn't just convenient, that the reason they were
together wasn't just that he was the only guy Tommy knew that wouldn't knock
him out for touching him. They had a lot in common, sure, but physically he
couldn't be Tommy's ideal. He was pale, nondescript, a little on the small
side, and Tommy was surrounded by the best-looking guys in school on a daily
basis. In the locker room, where he had free license to look and make a lot of
mental comparisons that Merton couldn't even dream of living up to.
He let out a dramatic sigh and scowled at his reflection before turning toward
the shower. Looking in the mirror wasn't his favorite pastime for a reason, so
he couldn't really blame Tommy if he was more attracted to Chad Hawthorne from
the football team or even Blake Anderson, the president of the drama club. He
wasn't exactly an athlete and Merton knew for a fact that he was very straight,
but he was definitely good-looking. Blake was one of those graceful guys that
always seemed comfortable in any situation, and he was nice so you couldn't
even really hate him for it. He was even friendly to Merton the few times their
paths actually crossed, and nobody at school felt obligated to be nice to
Merton.
So that really only left one reason why somebody like Tommy would give up his
Friday nights to hang around with someone like him. It was just another in a
long list of depressing thoughts, though, so Merton shoved it as far back in
his consciousness as he could and resolved to enjoy the last hour or so that he
had with Tommy for another week. He showered quickly and dried himself off,
careful to avoid looking at his reflection as he brushed his teeth and combed
through his damp hair.
Once he was dressed and sure that there weren't any new bruises or red marks
showing anywhere he opened his bedroom door, crossing to the kitchen and
pushing the door open. Sure enough, there was Tommy sitting next to his dad,
already halfway through an omelet and toast. When he walked in Tommy looked up,
the grin that lit up his features making Merton's stomach do a few back flips
as he smiled back and sank into the closest chair.
"Morning, son," his father said, smiling a little too cheerfully at Merton over
the top of his paper. Merton mumbled something in return as he wondered why his
father was looking at him like that. If they'd guessed where he spent part of
last night they'd be mad at him, wouldn't they? Maybe they wouldn't say
anything until Tommy went home, but they definitely wouldn't act so happy about
it. He shook his head and stole a glance across the table at Tommy, but he was
either oblivious to the weirdness or he was in on the joke.
"So, graduation in a few months," Mr. Dingle said just as Merton's mother set a
plate of food down in front of her son. Merton looked down at the food and then
up at his father, sure he was missing some important piece of information. "Big
plans for your last summer before college, Tommy?"
Somehow Merton had managed to block out pretty much everything that happened
before Tommy showed up the night before, but as soon as his father mentioned
the summer it all came rushing back. Along with the realization of what his
father was getting at came a wave of nausea, and he wished more than anything
that he could shut the older man up without looking like an idiot in front of
his parents and Tommy. He didn't want to talk about this – not now, maybe not
ever – and definitely not in front of Tommy. He wanted to push rewind until
they were back in the guest room, with the rest of the world locked on the
other side of the door. Maybe this time he'd even say all those things he
wouldn't let himself say the night before, just to see what would happen.
"My dad wants me to work at the shop," Tommy answered, completely unaware of
the meltdown Merton was experiencing on the other side of the table. "I've got
this football clinic for a couple weeks in July, but other than that I guess
I'll just be hanging out."
"The football clinic at the University? I've heard about it," Mr. Dingle said
when Tommy nodded. "You'll have to drop by while you're on campus, say hello.
Since we won't be seeing you around the house."
"Dad," Merton hissed under his breath, but either his father didn't hear him or
he was purposely trying to kill his only son. He was pretty sure that was a
possibility, or at the very least it was some weird form of revenge his parents
were inflicting on him for breaking the no-sex-in-the-house rule. Either way
his father didn't even glance over at him, although his cheerful grin did
falter a little when he registered Tommy's confused look.
"Didn't Merton tell you the good news?"
"It didn't come up," Merton said, stealing a quick glance at Tommy and then
quickly looking away again when he registered the confusion in the other boy's
eyes. He didn't need to look at Tommy while his father spilled all the painful
details about his summer plans, he had other things to focus on. Like the
breakfast his mother had set in front of him, and while he was positive he
wouldn't be able to eat a bite he appreciated the distraction.
"Merton's been accepted to the Summer Research Institute at Johns Hopkins," Mr.
Dingle announced, and Merton felt a stab of guilt at the pride in his father's
voice. "I'm shocked he didn't tell you himself, it's all he's been able to talk
about for a year. Studying Chemistry in a state of the art lab – it's quite an
honor."
"Yeah? So when do you leave?"
Merton forced himself to look up at the sound of Tommy's voice, bracing himself
for disinterest or maybe a polite smile. He knew he couldn't expect Tommy to
care, but he still felt a little guilty about not just telling Tommy himself.
That split second of something unrecognizable in Tommy's eyes had thrown him,
though, and between that and last night he wasn't sure what to think anymore.
"A few days after graduation."
"Wow." Tommy paused for a second with his lips slightly parted, looking at
Merton but not really focusing on him. Then he shook his head and smiled, but
Merton had seen him smile enough by now to know when he was faking it. "That's
great, Merton. Sounds like it's right up your alley."
He was starting to get used to feeling like the carpet had just been pulled out
from under him; that was what worried him most of all. Maybe it was great that
he was leaving as soon as school ended, because at least his life would make
sense again. No more parents that weren't even phased by the fact that he was
gay, no Tommy sitting across from him at the breakfast table looking like he
was trying really hard not to say whatever he was thinking. He never really
thought he'd look back on the lack of drama in his life and miss it, but the
more confused he got the more he wished Tommy had just kept walking that day in
the locker room.
"It's a wonderful opportunity," Mr. Dingle said when Merton didn't answer. He
could feel his father looking at him but he didn't look up, because he already
knew what the look was asking and he didn't have an answer. There was no real
reason he hadn't told Tommy; he'd mentioned something about the program before
they started dating, but it wasn't like they spent a lot of time talking about
their plans for the future. Merton knew Tommy was going to college to play
football, and Tommy knew that Merton planned to be a professor like his
parents. That was about as specific as it got, though, because Merton didn't
like to dwell on the fact that they were going to two different schools.
He wasn't even sure if that had really registered with Tommy until his father
brought up the summer, because when Merton ventured another glance at him he
looked like he was processing the reality of graduating from high school for
the first time. Maybe he just hadn't thought a lot about it because it didn't
change much for him, but whatever the reason Merton was almost sure he'd made
some kind of mistake by not just telling Tommy about his summer plans.
Neither of them talked much through the rest of breakfast, and when Tommy stood
up and announced that he had to get home Merton was more than happy to abandon
his barely touched omelet. He followed Tommy down the hall to the front door,
waiting while the other boy pulled his jacket on before he said anything. When
Tommy finally turned to face him again he wasn't sure if he'd have the nerve to
bring it up, but he knew if he didn't say anything he'd spend the rest of the
weekend obsessing about it.
"Sorry I didn't tell you about this summer…I mean it's not really a big deal or
anything, it's just my dad gets kind of worked up about that stuff."
Tommy shrugged and glanced in the direction of the kitchen before looking back
down at Merton. "He's proud of you, that's cool. I mean it's a pretty big deal
that you got accepted, right?"
"Yeah, I guess," Merton answered, willing himself not to blush. He wasn't even
sure why he felt so awkward about discussing this with Tommy, it just seemed
like talking about it made what they were doing more real.
"So where is this program?"
"Washington, D.C."
"Long way."
"It's, uh…it's not that far from where I'll be going to college," Merton said,
regretting it the second the words escaped his lips. This was awkward enough
already without bringing up the fact that he'd probably never see Tommy again
after graduation.
"Right, guess I forgot." Tommy shifted his weight and glanced over Merton's
shoulder again, making sure neither of his parents were watching them before he
took a step forward. "I better go, my dad'll start calling around looking for
me if I don't get home."
"Sure, okay. I'll see you at school."
Tommy nodded and opened his mouth to answer, but he thought better of it and
leaned forward instead, pressing his lips to Merton's for a moment before he
pulled away again. It was over way too soon, then Merton was watching him walk
out the front door and pull it shut behind him. When he was gone Merton let out
a frustrated breath and turned to make his way back down the hall to his
bedroom, shaking his head as he tried to figure out what had just happened.
~
The halls were still practically deserted when Merton got to school on Monday,
but he'd found over the past month that the best way to avoid T'n'T was to get
to school early and keep a few steps ahead of them. So far they hadn't
inflicted any more serious damage on him, but every time he happened to cross
their paths they seemed less and less inclined to take it easy on him just to
keep themselves in school. He was halfway down the hall to his locker when he
caught sight of them turning the corner in front of him, and for one panicked
moment he was sure the week was going to start out painfully. He looked around
for an escape route and realized he was standing right next to the men's room,
so he ducked inside and hoped they hadn't seen him.
He expected to find the bathroom deserted, but when he heard someone let out a
low hiss he focused on the source of the sound. A pair of familiar shoulders
was bent over one of the sinks, Tommy's head bent toward the mirror as he ran
his fingers over one side of his face. Merton swallowed his shock at finding
Tommy alone in the bathroom and forced himself to take a few steps forward,
wondering if he should interrupt whatever Tommy was doing. He couldn't let
himself back out of the bathroom, though, not if Tim and Travis were still
hanging around waiting to kill him. Besides, that hissing sound Tommy had made
when Merton first walked in sounded painful.
"Tommy? What's wrong?"
Tommy looked up at the sound of Merton's voice, giving the smaller boy a
perfect view of the dark purple bruise under his left eye. He smiled when he
saw Merton, but a moment later he winced again and turned back to the mirror.
"Hey. It's no big deal."
"No big deal?" Tommy had a black eye and he was calling it 'no big deal'? The
concept of anyone getting a swing in on Tommy Dawkins was crazy, but he was
obviously in pain and that thought bothered Merton more than the idea that
Tommy had been in a fight. "What happened?"
"My dad found out I lied about Friday night," Tommy answered without turning
away from the mirror. "He called Chad's house looking for me and Chad's mom
said she hadn't seen me all week. By the time I got home he was pretty pissed."
"So he hit you? Tommy…"
At the sound of his name Tommy turned away from the mirror, letting out a soft
sigh as he met Merton's gaze. "It's not that big a deal, he was just mad that I
lied. I've just gotta be more careful about what I tell him from now on. And I
probably can't stay over for awhile."
Merton glanced unconsciously in the direction of the stalls as soon as Tommy
said it, evoking a tired-sounding laugh from the other boy. "Relax, I already
checked. Anyway if anybody had been in here when I got here they probably would
have taken one look at me and made a break for it."
Merton's heart fell at the mixture of humor and misery in Tommy's eyes, and he
took a few steps forward. As soon as he realized what he was doing he stopped,
his face flushing as he glanced over his shoulder at the door. Tommy followed
his gaze, hesitating for a second before he closed the rest of the distance
between them and grabbed Merton's arm. Before he could react Merton found
himself pressed against the door with Tommy plastered to his chest, their
combined weight effectively blocking anybody from walking in on them without
warning.
"This is a bad idea," Merton murmured as he reached up to trace the edge of
Tommy's bruise. He wasn't even sure if he was talking about making out in the
bathroom or if he meant their relationship in general, but Tommy didn't seem to
be listening to him anyway.
Tommy turned his face into the touch, his eyes fluttering closed for a second
before he blinked them back open and focused on Merton again. "I think I can
get out of practice early tomorrow. I can come by Lori's."
"She won't mind?"
"She's cool," Tommy answered, as though that was a logical explanation for all
of Lori's strange behavior. He didn't seem very interested in talking about
her, though, and a second later Merton wasn't either. A soft sigh escaped his
throat as Tommy's mouth covered his, careful not to put any unnecessary
pressure on Tommy's damaged eye as he leaned into the kiss. He could hear
voices on the other side of the door as the hallway started to fill up, but the
quiet in the bathroom and Tommy's warmth pressing against him made it easy to
pretend they weren't taking a huge risk.
When Tommy pulled away again Merton was panting and dazed, and he was pretty
sure he'd never be able to make it through a full day of school. He knew the
bell would be ringing soon, but the thought of going back to the real world was
even more depressing than the thought of Tommy's father. Not to mention the
fact that Tim and Travis might still be out there waiting to pound him into a
dark smear on the linoleum.
"Guess we have to get back," Tommy said, although he didn't make any move to
pull away.
"Yeah…uh…you go first," Merton answered, not quite meeting Tommy's gaze as he
wondered whether or not Tommy would figure out why he'd been hiding out in the
bathroom in the first place.
"What's the matter?"
Merton checked the urge to roll his eyes when Tommy's hand landed on his face
again, forcing him to meet the taller boy's gaze. "Nothing. It's just…T'n'T
were out there, probably looking for someone to kill. That's why I came in here
in the first place."
"Oh." A sympathetic smile tugged at the corners of Tommy's mouth as he leaned
forward and planted another soft kiss on Merton's lips. "Give me a couple
minutes to get rid of them, then come out. It's probably safer that way
anyway."
"Yeah, okay," Merton answered, ignoring the urge to pull Tommy back into him as
the other boy straightened up and pulled away. He backed toward the row of
sinks lining the far wall and watched Tommy pull the bathroom door open,
swallowing a frustrated sigh and leaning back against a sink to wait.
***** Chapter 26 *****
It was probably a good thing that Lori didn't actually need a Chemistry tutor
considering all the help Merton was being. He'd been alternating between
checking his watch and looking at the door since he got to her house, and even
though only half an hour had passed he couldn't help wondering if Tommy would
really be able to get out of practice early. He hadn't promised anything, after
all, he'd just said he thought he could manage it. Merton knew better than to
count on it, but after barely catching a glimpse of Tommy all day at school he
really wanted to see him.
The idea of seeing Tommy on a weekday was so foreign that it seemed almost
dangerous, even if they were meeting at Lori's house. Which meant they'd have a
chaperone, but Merton didn't even mind so much. It meant he got to spend time
with Tommy and make sure his father hadn't inflicted any more damage in the
past twenty-four hours, and that was the most important thing. Especially
considering Tommy had told him on Monday that he wouldn't be able to stay over
for the foreseeable future.
He heard Lori laugh as he checked his watch for the twentieth time in ten
minutes, blushing at the obviousness of his obsession. "Relax," she said, her
grin getting a little brighter as he blushed even harder. "You know if you've
got something else to do…"
"It's not that," he answered before he could stop himself. As soon as he heard
the sound of his own voice he rolled his eyes, wondering how he could get out
of this without actually admitting the truth. Or having to get up and go home,
which would defeat the whole purpose of Tommy getting out of practice early. "I
just have a lot on my mind."
Lori rolled her eyes and closed her Chemistry book, setting it down on the
coffee table before she turned back to him. "You know that excuse is getting a
little old. I happen to know for a fact that the only thing you've got on your
mind these days is Tommy Dawkins. I thought we went over this last week."
"We did…I mean it's not just Tommy." Merton paused and looked down at his
hands, wondering how he could make her understand. He wasn't even sure why he
wanted to, but she was Tommy's friend and she knew better than pretty much
anyone else what went on inside his head. "You saw his eye."
"Yeah. So he got in a fight with one of Dean's friends, what's the big deal? I
mean it's not exactly Tommy's style to get in a fist fight, let alone with
somebody that much older than him, but Dean's friends are a bunch of annoying
stoners. Even Tommy can only take so much."
It was all Merton could do to keep his expression neutral as he listened to her
talk. So Tommy had fed her the same lie he'd been telling everybody else at
school, it shouldn't have surprised Merton that much. Telling your friends that
your dad belted you because you lied about where you spent the night wasn't
something any teenager looked forward to; no, the surprising part was that
Tommy had told him the truth. He could have told Merton the story about Dean
and his friends and Merton would have bought it, but he hadn't. It might have
been because he had to give Merton an explanation for why he couldn't sleep
over anymore, but if it was a big enough deal to make Tommy lie to Lori he
could have just made up another lie to cover that.
"Merton? You okay?"
He looked up at Lori again when he realized she was still talking to him,
wondering idly how much of her speech he'd lost while he was busy wondering why
Tommy had been honest with him. "Yeah, sorry. You're right, even Tommy's got
his limits."
It sounded lame when he said it out loud, but Lori just nodded and reached for
her notebook. "Exactly. As soon as he got that shiner he probably realized it
wasn't worth it. Most of the time he avoids Dean's buddies anyway, I don't know
what he was doing hanging out with them."
He started to defend Tommy; he opened his mouth to say that Tommy wasn't
hanging out with a bunch of stoners, but he caught himself before he said
something he'd regret. He didn't want to betray Tommy's confidence or risk
making him mad by telling Lori the truth. She knew what Tommy's father was
like, but he hadn't told her for a reason and it wasn't Merton's place to spill
Tommy's secrets.
Normally knowing something about Tommy that nobody else knew would make
Merton's day – hell, it would make his whole week – but this particular secret
just made him feel uncomfortable. Everything they'd ever learned in school
about kids getting abused ended in the same mantra: Tell someone. He knew he
was supposed to tell somebody; a teacher, his parents, anyone that could maybe
help Tommy. Tommy was almost eighteen, though, and although Merton had never
met his father he had a feeling Tommy could probably defend himself if he
wanted to. Besides, he was almost out of the house and if Tommy hadn't done
anything about his dad so far he'd resent Merton for interfering. Wouldn't he?
He stifled a sigh and pretended to be engrossed in his Chemistry homework,
struggling not to glance at his watch every thirty seconds. He still wanted to
see Tommy walk down the stairs into Lori's family room, but now that he was the
only one that knew the truth he wasn't sure how to act around him. Part of him
wanted to ask Tommy what was going on, as in did his father hit him a lot and
why he didn't do anything about it. Those kinds of conversations tended to get
a little emotional, though, and he didn't want to run the risk of making Tommy
regret being honest with him. He definitely didn't want to push Tommy out of
his life, not when things between them were so…well, he wasn't exactly sure
what they were, but he knew he didn't want to give it up.
He was still trying to figure out what exactly they were when Tommy finally
made his way down the stairs into the family room. Merton looked up almost
before Tommy even appeared, his heart skipping a beat at the sight of Tommy in
his letterman jacket. The bruise under his eye looked a little lighter than it
had yesterday morning, but the sickly yellow at the edges made it look even
worse. His stomach twisted at the thought of how Tommy had gotten that bruise,
but he knew he couldn't say anything about it in front of Lori.
"Hey," Tommy said, breaking the silence in the room as he flashed a weary grin
at Merton before glancing at Lori. "The front door was open."
"Hey yourself," Lori answered, glancing over at Merton with a smirk that let
him know she'd figured out why he was so jumpy. "Practice get out early?"
"Something like that," Tommy said as he sank onto the couch next to Merton.
"Coach benched me for the rest of the week. Fell and banged up my arm," he
added, holding up his left arm and pushing the sleeve of his jacket back to
reveal the edge of an Ace bandage.
"What is with you lately? You're a walking disaster area," Lori said. She
laughed at the glare he shot her and stood up. "I just hope you heal fast,
because if your dad finds out you're riding the bench he's gonna kill you."
Merton waited until she'd disappeared up the stairs before he turned to look at
Tommy again, reaching out before he realized what he was doing to touch Tommy's
bandaged arm. "Is your dad really gonna be mad because you got hurt?"
Tommy grinned and held up his arm, turning it a few times before he looked back
at Merton. "My arm's fine. One of the guys knocked me down during practice so I
let the coach think I was hurt. Gets me out of practice for a few days,
anyway."
"Yeah, but your dad…"
"He won't even know," Tommy said, sliding a little closer to Merton and
reaching out with his bandaged arm to rest his hand on the back of Merton's
neck. "He doesn't come to practice, and I'll just make sure Coach thinks I'm
fine before the game on Saturday. Don't worry about it."
Merton was tempted to remind Tommy of exactly why he was worried about it,
starting with his black eye and ending with the fact that Tommy had been lying
to pretty much everybody about a lot of things since they met. Maybe it was
easier for him that way; maybe if he told himself it was the only way he didn't
have to feel so bad about living a lie and going to extremes like faking
injuries just so they could spend a little time together.
The part of him that wanted Tommy whatever way he could have him won out,
though, and he didn't put up a fight when Tommy pulled him forward for a kiss.
It was hard to focus on the feeling of Tommy's lips moving against his while
they were sitting in Lori's family room, and when Tommy pulled away to look at
him there was relief mingled with the stab of guilt in Merton's heart.
"What's the matter?"
"Nothing," Merton said, casting a quick glance at the stairs over Tommy's
shoulder to make sure Lori wasn't spying on them. "I don't know, it feels a
little weird, doing this here. What if Lori comes back?"
"So what? It's not like she doesn't know," Tommy answered. The hand that was
still resting on Merton's neck began moving, tracing soft patterns in Merton's
skin that sent a series of tiny shivers down his spine. "Why do you think she
went upstairs as soon as I got here? She knows I'm not here to hang out with
her."
Tommy's voice dropped an octave as he said the last words, and for a moment
Merton was gripped by the urge to get up and run. He didn't want to run out on
Tommy, but the way the other boy was looking at him coupled with the sound of
his voice suddenly made Merton wonder what he was missing. Tommy didn't expect
to do anything beyond kissing in Lori's house; he couldn't, it was one thing to
fool around in Merton's house but Tommy couldn't expect him to put out in
Lori's family room. The sick thing was that part of him wanted to, especially
if it meant the difference between Tommy skipping practice to see him or Tommy
deciding that it wasn't worth the risk. It was tempting in a way he didn't
really want to think about, but there was no way he could go through with it.
"What…why exactly are you here?" he finally managed to choke out, his gaze
firmly locked on Tommy's chin.
"I wanted to see you," Tommy answered, confusion marring his perfect features
and making Merton wish he'd never said anything. If he'd just kept his mouth
shut they could still be back on kissing, which seemed like a much better plan
than it had a minute ago. "I told you yesterday I'd try to come by. Do you want
me to go?"
Merton never would have dreamed that he could be the source of the hurt and
confusion in Tommy's eyes, but there was no doubt that he was to blame for
making Tommy look so sad. It probably shouldn't have thrilled him to make Tommy
feel that way, but he always felt so out of control of their relationship that
it was kind of nice to see the affect he could have on the most popular guy in
school. "No, it's not that," he said a little too quickly, reaching up to pull
Tommy's hand away from his neck. He entwined their fingers together and rested
their joined hands on his knee, staring down at their hands so he wouldn't have
to look at Tommy while he spoke. "I'm glad you're here. It's just…why didn't
you just tell Lori the truth about your arm?"
Tommy shrugged and looked away as soon as he looked up, and Merton found
himself wishing all over again that he'd just kept his mouth shut. "I don't
know, I guess it's just easier that way. I don't wanna have to worry about who
I told what to, you know?"
Merton bit the insides of his cheeks to keep from asking why Tommy felt the
need to lie at all; he already knew the answer, and bringing up Tommy's father
would just make matters worse. In a way this conversation was more
uncomfortable than even the first tentative steps of their relationship, but
part of Merton wanted to just say all the things that had been on his mind for
weeks. Maybe getting them out in the open would change things between him and
Tommy, but he wasn't sure how much longer he could live with wondering how
Tommy felt about him.
"Listen, do you think we can get out of here?" Tommy's voice jolted Merton out
of his reverie, and he looked up to find Tommy watching him with an intensity
he'd never seen before. His stomach twisted almost painfully and he nodded, not
trusting his voice.
If Tommy noticed how nervous he was he didn't show it, he just tugged on the
hand that was still trapped in his and pulled Merton to his feet. Merton pulled
his hand out of Tommy's long enough to shove his books in his backpack before
he turned to follow the other boy up the stairs. He had no idea where they were
going or what Tommy had in mind, but he had a feeling that whatever had just
happened between them was important. He stopped when they got to the foyer and
waited while Tommy went in search of Lori, willing his heart to slow down so he
didn't have a heart attack before he found out what Tommy wanted.
When the taller boy reappeared he was frowning, but as soon as his gaze fell on
Merton he smiled. "Everything okay?" Merton asked as Tommy took hold of his
shoulder and steered him toward the door.
"Yeah, fine," Tommy answered. "Lori said to say bye."
Merton nodded but didn't say anything until they reached his car and slid into
the front seat. "Do you have to get home soon?" he asked, casting a nervous
glance over at Tommy. "I think my parents are home but…"
"You know where the Jensen place used to be?" Tommy interrupted. "Before the
fire."
"Yeah," Merton answered, frowning as he reached for the ignition and turned on
the engine. The burnt-out remains of the old farmhouse were at least twenty
minutes outside of town, safe enough that they didn't have to worry too much
about anyone finding them out there. Parts of the building were still intact,
though, and even though they were dangerous some of the older kids used them as
a party spot when there was nowhere else to go.
"Don't worry, nobody goes out there this time of year," Tommy said, reading
Merton's thoughts from his expression. "Too cold. Anyway it's still light out,
nobody goes up there before dark."
Merton nodded and pointed the car in the direction of the state road that would
lead them out of town, his hands gripping the steering wheel too hard as he
struggled to focus on the road and not the person sitting next to him. A
hundred different questions raced through his mind at once, starting with what
Lori had said to Tommy to distract him so much. He'd seemed a little more
intense than usual since he showed up at Lori's house, but Merton had never
actually seen him brood before. He wanted to believe everything was okay, but
it was hard to convince himself of that when nothing had really been okay since
this whole thing started.
He'd known it was going to be complicated when Tommy first showed an interest
in him, but he hadn't really been prepared for quite how complicated it was. It
was worth it – most days, anyway – but he knew there was no way it would ever
be simple. Even when it was over it would be complicated, and no matter how
many times Merton told himself he could deal with it he knew the end of their
relationship was going to be hard. At least it would be for him, and in a way
he was glad he'd be halfway across the country where he wouldn't have to watch
Tommy move on with his life.
Still, Tommy's life seemed a lot less charmed now than it had when Merton only
knew him as Tommy Dawkins, Star Quarterback, and he couldn't help wondering if
it would hit Tommy a little harder than he let on. The cracks in Tommy's armor
were starting to get bigger, and as much as Merton sort of enjoyed the glimpses
of Tommy's vulnerability he worried that other people might start seeing it
too. Letting his dad catch him in a lie could have been an honest mistake, but
combined with all the other things that had been happening lately it was enough
to make Merton wonder. He'd never really pictured Tommy as the self-destructive
type, but then again he never really knew him before.
The image Tommy projected to the rest of the world was a lot different than the
guy Merton had fallen in love with; so different, in fact, that Merton wondered
how Tommy managed to keep the act up all the time. He could easily have a
career in theater, because Merton had the feeling that he had everyone in town
fooled. Not even Lori really knew him, as it turned out, because if she did
she'd know that Tommy was lying about how he got his black eye.
As soon as the thought occurred to him Merton glanced over at the other boy,
his heart skipping a beat as he took in the sight of Tommy with his head back
against the seat. His eyes were closed, and save for the ugly bruise marring
his profile he looked so peaceful that for a second Merton could almost forget
that what they were doing was something they had to hide. He didn't want to be
ashamed of who he was; he never had been before, he was used to people thinking
he was a freak. It was easy to tell himself that they were just a bunch of
closed-minded idiots who knew nothing about him, but once he looked at life
from Tommy's perspective everything changed.
He still wasn't ashamed of who he was, but it was easier for him to understand
now why so many people lied about who they were. He played along with Tommy's
lies, after all, which was just as bad as pretending to be something he wasn't.
The only reason he did it was because he knew it was the only way they could be
together, so even though he hated pretending he knew it was the lesser evil. He
would have traded anything to be with Tommy, which made him feel as free as it
did terrified.
When they reached the long gravel driveway that led to the burnt-out farmhouse
he slowed down, glancing over at Tommy in time to watch him open his eyes. He
pulled up behind the house so the car wouldn't be immediately visible from the
road, turning off the ignition and looking at the building through the
windshield. He'd seen this place from the road and heard the story of the fire
enough times to know exactly where it was, but he'd never actually gone out to
the house itself. The sky was a dreary late-winter gray, and he shivered more
from the stark view than the temperature.
"It's kind of creepy, isn't it?" Tommy said, his voice sounding louder than it
really was in the silence.
Merton nodded and glanced over at him, smiling self-consciously when he found
Tommy looking at him. "I've never been this close to it before. How come they
haven't just torn it down?"
Tommy turned his attention back to the building, taking in the boards that had
been torn off the back door and a few of the windows by high school kids
looking for someplace to get drunk. "Not worth it, I guess. Nobody's ever gonna
buy this place; nobody from around here, anyway."
"Not if people keep going around saying it's haunted," Merton said, leaning
back against the seat and turning to face Tommy. "It's kind of sad, though. I
mean people used to live here and now it's just empty."
Tommy nodded and shifted a little closer to Merton on the bench seat,
stretching his arm across the headrest. He stopped just short of actual
contact, and Merton swallowed a rush of disappointment. "It's just a house,
right? Not like it knows it's empty. Besides, it's got the ghosts to keep it
company."
Merton laughed and shook his head, doing his best to ignore the flock of
butterflies in his stomach as Tommy smiled at him. He took a deep breath and
summoned all his courage, looking down at the seat between them as he spoke.
"So what exactly are we doing here?"
"This," Tommy answered, his smile finally reaching his eyes as he closed the
rest of the distance between them.
***** Chapter 27 *****
When Tommy finally let Merton go long enough to catch his breath he couldn't
remember what he'd been so anxious to talk about, but as soon as he saw Tommy's
black eye it all came rushing back. Part of him felt like he was responsible
for the mark; he knew it wasn't his fault but he couldn't help feeling like
Tommy's life would be a lot easier without him in it. His own life had gotten a
lot more confusing since he and Tommy got involved, though, and he wanted to
believe that Tommy thought it was worth the risk. He reached out and traced the
edge of the bruise, frowning at the wince that Tommy tried to hide.
"Does this happen a lot?" he asked, his voice so quiet he wasn't even sure if
Tommy would hear him.
"It's really not that big a deal," Tommy answered. He turned his face into
Merton's touch, closing his eyes as Merton's fingers explored his skin. "My
dad's just got a bad temper, sometimes he loses it. And he hates it when you
lie to him. He's a complete freak about knowing where I am all the time."
"You shouldn't be here."
Part of Merton expected Tommy to agree with him. He hadn't meant to say the
words out loud, but as soon as he did he expected Tommy to come to his senses
and demand to be driven back to town. When Tommy shook his head and moved
impossibly closer to him on the cramped front seat he swallowed his shock,
moving into the other boy's touch automatically. Tommy's arms wrapped around
his shoulders, pulling him forward to bury his face in the crook of Merton's
neck. It was comforting in a weird way to feel hot breath against his skin, and
Merton let himself relax for the first time all day.
"I want to be here," Tommy said, his voice sending little shocks of pleasure
down Merton's spine. "Even if he does find out it doesn't matter. He can ground
me all summer if he wants to, it's not like I'm going to have anything to do
anyway."
It was ridiculous to have to fight back a dopey grin because Tommy didn't care
how he spent his summer; Merton knew he shouldn't just assume it had anything
to do with him, but that didn't stop him from hoping he was right. He wanted to
hate himself for being glad Tommy was going to have a miserable summer without
him, but he was planning to be pretty miserable so he couldn't bring himself to
feel that bad. "I wish I didn't have to go," he said, barely managing to stop
himself from tightening his grip on Tommy when the other boy pulled back to
look at him. "I mean I've thought about not going, but my parents are so
excited."
"Are you kidding? You have to go," Tommy said, his eyes wide as though the
thought of Merton actually staying in town for the summer was absurd. Merton
tried to shake off the feeling that he'd just been slapped, but it must have
showed in his face because Tommy's expression softened instantly. "I mean I'm
not crazy about the idea of you leaving, but there's nothing for you to hang
around here for. That program sounds like a pretty big deal, you can't just
blow it off."
Merton wanted to tell Tommy how wrong he was; he wanted to tell Tommy that all
he had to do was ask and Merton would stay as long as he wanted. He'd always
hated his own tendency toward romanticism, though, and there was no way he'd
ever say that out loud. Certainly not to Tommy of all people, not if he wanted
to keep Tommy in his life for the little time they still had together. So
instead of pouring out his heart and facing laughter or even rejection he just
smiled and shook his head. "It's really not that big a deal. It's just a bunch
of high school kids messing around in a lab."
"Sounds a lot better than hanging around here, anyway," Tommy said. He glanced
toward the house in front of them and sighed. "If I'm allowed out of the house
this summer all I have to look forward to is football clinics, automatic
transmissions, and hanging around here watching my so-called friends get
drunk."
"Well except for the part about transmissions that sounds pretty typical."
Merton wasn't surprised to hear Tommy voice his dissatisfaction with his life,
especially considering he probably never got to be himself. He'd never even
talked about what he wanted to do with the rest of his life; whenever anyone
asked he just recited his father's plans for him.
"Yeah, well, typical can get kind of old after awhile." Tommy let out another
sigh and leaned back against the seat, frowning thoughtfully at Merton. "Most
of the kids at school would trade places with me in a second, but if they knew
the truth they wouldn't even want to know my name."
"Believe me, I know better than anybody what it's like for people to pretend
you're not there," Merton said. He granted Tommy a self-deprecating grin when
the other boy winced. "It's alright, I mean it's not like I really ever wanted
to fit in with most of the kids at school. Well, not most of the time, anyway."
"I still shouldn't be bitching about my life to you."
"Maybe it's hard for you to believe, Tommy, but I kind of like the fact that
you can bitch to me about your life." He stopped himself from adding anything
about the reasons why he wanted to hear about Tommy's private worries; anything
he said would come out sounding way too close to 'I love you', and he didn't
want to ruin the moment by saying too much. It felt really good to be the one
person Tommy could trust with the truth, and he wasn't about to give that up.
Besides, this was the most they'd ever talked about anything more important
than the best horror movie special effects, and Merton was starting to feel a
little better about where they stood.
Tommy was still staring at him, that same intense look in his eyes that had
been there all afternoon. In a way it felt more intimate than anything they'd
ever done, like Tommy could see right into him and read what he was thinking.
He shifted on the worn leather seat, their knees brushing together as he tried
to get some distance from that piercing gaze without actually moving away.
"You think you'll have time to write to me from your research program?" Tommy
asked suddenly. Merton was so surprised by the sudden break in the silence that
he almost didn't register the question at first, but as soon as he did his
cheeks flushed and it was suddenly too hot in the chilly car.
"You want me to write to you?"
"Yeah," Tommy said, smiling as though it was the most natural request in the
world. "I mean if you're gonna be really busy…"
"No," Merton interrupted, his voice an octave higher than usual and ruining any
prayer he had of sounding casual. "I mean I won't be too busy. Do you have a
computer at home?"
"No. But I could probably use Lori's. I don't know much about them, though.
Why?"
If Merton could have kicked himself without drawing more unwanted attention he
would have, but he didn't want to explain to Tommy why he felt bad about asking
such a stupid question. Tommy didn't really seem like the type to care much
about technology beyond VCRs and Playstation, but even if he was a computer
geek Merton was pretty sure his family probably wouldn't spend the money on
something non-essential like a computer.
"No reason, I mean I could have e-mailed you if you did. But I can write if you
don't think your dad'll wonder."
Tommy frowned at that thought, a resigned sigh escaping his lips as he looked
down at his knees. "You're right, he'd probably go ballistic. I could get e-
mail at Lori's house, though. She wouldn't care, and I'll probably be over
there a lot anyway."
"Sure, all we have to do is set up a web-based account for you," Merton said,
smiling to himself at the vaguely confused look in Tommy's eyes. "Next time
you're at my house just remind me."
"Okay," Tommy said, seemingly satisfied with the arrangement. He grinned and
leaned forward again, pressing his lips to Merton's for a lingering kiss before
he released the other boy again. "I should probably get back," he said, letting
out a resigned sigh as he glanced out the window and realized how dark it had
gotten.
"Right," Merton said, stifling his own disappointed sigh as he straightened up
and tried to focus long enough to remember how to drive. He'd never had much
trouble concentrating in the past, but whenever he was around Tommy everything
he'd assumed about himself went right out the window. He turned on the car and
pulled back onto the gravel drive, swallowing against the hollow feeling going
back to their lives left in his stomach.
Tommy shifted next to him and he looked over, smiling in spite of his sudden
change in mood as he watched the other boy slowly unwinding the Ace bandage
that had been around his arm all afternoon. "Hey, Merton?"
"Yeah?" Merton replied, his eyes darting back to the road as he realized he'd
been staring at Tommy's arm.
"You know that I really like you, right? I mean Lori's got this crazy idea that
you were all weirded out about us."
"She said that?" Merton winced as he listened to his voice squeak, but he
hadn't really been expecting this. He was going to have to kill Lori, though,
which meant Tommy was going to have an even more boring summer than he'd
planned on.
"Yeah, before we left her house this afternoon. She said you were acting weird
and I should get my act together or you'd figure out you could do better." When
he stopped talking Merton opened his mouth to answer, but he wasn't even sure
how to start. The thought of him being too good for Tommy was insane, for one
thing, and after finding out that Tommy had faked an injury just to be with him
he wasn't that worried about their status anymore.
When he didn't say anything Tommy sighed and shook his head. "She's right, you
know. I mean who'd ever believe I'd have a boyfriend as smart as you. I keep
expecting you to come to your senses and tell me to go to hell."
"That's…" Merton paused and shook his head, willing himself to wake up from the
crazy dream he appeared to have fallen into. When he looked over and found
Tommy still watching him almost nervously he wanted to laugh, but he had a
feeling that was exactly the wrong thing to do in the situation. The fact that
Tommy had used the word 'boyfriend' was enough to make him wonder if he'd
fallen into some kind of parallel dimension, but it warmed him in a way he'd
never be able to put into words. "That's crazy, Tommy. I bet even some of the
straightest guys in school wouldn't mind a shot at being your boyfriend."
Tommy laughed then; a genuine, rich laugh that Merton didn't hear nearly enough
of. He'd always loved Tommy's laugh, even before he knew that Tommy knew he was
alive. Whenever he heard it in the halls at school it sent a shiver up his
spine, but never in a million years would he have believed he'd be the one
inspiring that sound. He smiled as Tommy shifted a little closer and stretched
his arm along the back of the seat again, his hand settling at the top of
Merton's spine as they got closer to town.
~
Merton's genuine grin was probably the first thing that tipped Lori off, but to
her credit she didn't say anything right away. In fact she showed
uncharacteristic restraint, not even coming close to sticking her nose in his
business until he started humming an Orgy song under his breath.
"Alright, out with it."
"What?" His eyes were wide as he blinked at her, giving his best impression of
virginal innocence. As soon as that thought occurred to him he snorted, ruining
the effect of the wide-eyed look.
"Don't give me that. You're not gonna sit there on my couch looking all happy
and act like nothing's going on. The last time you were here you looked
practically suicidal. So come on, spill." To demonstrate her determination she
slammed her book shut and dropped it on the coffee table, folding her arms over
her chest and leaning back on the couch to wait.
He shook his head and let out a resigned sigh, but he didn't quite manage to
wipe the grin off his face. "You're lucky you don't actually need tutoring in
Chemistry or you wouldn't have so much time to interfere in my personal life."
"Thanks for the observation, Mr. Sarcasm," she shot back, smirking at the dark
look he tried and failed to send in her direction. "Save it for Tommy, he's a
lot more gullible than me."
He was tempted to tell her not to talk about Tommy like that just to see her
reaction, but he had a feeling it wouldn't go over all that well. "What, I
can't just be in a good mood?"
"No. Not when you've been skulking around like Pleasantville's answer to Robert
Smith since the day I first laid eyes on you."
"I do not skulk."
Lori rolled her eyes heavenward, 'why me?' written all over her face as she
counted to ten. When she looked back at him he could tell she was losing
patience already, but he wasn't in the mood to give in easily. She was the one
that kept interfering in his relationship with Tommy, after all, and even if he
liked the results it didn't mean he had to tell her that. "Fine. Brood, angst,
mope, whatever the hell you want to call it, I don't care. You can hardly help
it with all the black clothes and Angry Suburban White Boy music. But you're
definitely a lot less disenchanted today. So are you gonna tell me what the
deal is or not?"
He could have told her the truth; he could have said that after Tuesday
afternoon some higher power he probably didn't even believe in had chosen to
give him a break for the first time in his life. After he dropped Tommy off a
few blocks from his house on Tuesday he'd gone home and managed to avoid any
awkward questions from either of his parents, and he'd gone to bed without
worrying about his place in Tommy's life for the first time since their first
kiss.
That was just the beginning, though, because the next day Tommy had showed up
at his locker right after school. In front of people, like that was a totally
normal thing for him to do. He didn't seem the least bit concerned about what
anyone might think, either, and when Merton started toward the parking lot
Tommy had followed him like they'd arranged it ahead of time. In retrospect he
should have expected Tommy to want to spend the afternoon at his house; he
couldn't go home until practice ended, after all, and he'd faked the injury so
they'd have time together. So it made sense that Tommy more or less invited
himself over on Wednesday, it was just that Merton hadn't really let himself
think about it.
What an afternoon it had been, too. Not that Merton was going to tell Lori
about any of that, but his sister was out and his parents were still at the
University when they got back to his house so they had the place to themselves
for once. Even the knowledge that somebody could walk in any minute didn't
detract from their time together, and after Tommy left Merton dedicated the
rest of the evening to lying in bed and memorizing every single touch. He'd
gotten so good at recalling Tommy's touch that he could actually feel Tommy's
skin against his, taste his kisses and hear the breathy moans he made when he
came. It still amazed him that he knew what Tommy sounded like when he was
having sex, but all he had to do was look at the red marks all over his
collarbone to convince himself he hadn't dreamed up the whole thing.
A less than gentle tap on his shoulder reminded Merton that Lori was still
waiting for an answer, so he did his best to look serious as he looked up at
her again. "Sorry, guess I spaced out for a second there. There's nothing to
tell."
"So this is the thanks I get."
"Thanks?" Merton almost choked on the word, his face reddening a little as he
watched Lori scowl at him.
"Yes, thanks. I told Tommy to stop being such a moron and just level with you,
and instead of getting a 'thanks, Lori, you're a real pal' what do I get?
'There's nothing to tell'."
He was tempted to laugh, but the look on her face told him that she really was
mad. Maybe not as furious as she was acting, but she was definitely hurt. Part
of him wanted to tell her that she was lucky she didn't get a 'mind your own
damn business' instead of a simple denial, but he wisely chose to keep that
opinion to himself. She meant well; at least he assumed she did, and it wasn't
like it hadn't worked out for the best. "Look, Lori, I'm sorry…" he began, but
as soon as he realized she wasn't even looking at him anymore he stopped
talking and followed her gaze to the stairs.
This time Tommy didn't even bother to say hello before he headed toward Merton,
stopping next to the couch and leaning over for a long, hard kiss. Merton
didn't even have time to think before Tommy was pressing him back into the
couch cushions, and there was no way he could stop the other boy even if he
wanted to. He knew it was probably the worst thing Tommy could have done, but
there was no way his boyfriend could have known that. Not unless Lori had
already expressed her unhappiness with him at school, but even if she was angry
Merton didn't think she'd bring up their relationship where someone might
overhear.
When Tommy finally let him go he cast a nervous glance at Lori, but to his
surprise she wasn't even looking at them. He'd always assumed from the way she
talked that she'd pounce on the first opportunity to see them engage in any
kind of physical contact, but maybe she wasn't as cool about it as Tommy
assumed she was. Before he got his brain to function long enough to find his
voice he was being hauled to his feet, and Tommy was shoving his books in his
backpack.
"It's okay with you if Merton takes off a little early, isn't it?" Tommy said,
looking at Lori for the first time since he walked into the room.
"Sure, whatever," Lori muttered. Merton could tell she wanted to say a lot more
than that, but for some reason she held her tongue as Tommy grabbed Merton's
jacket and thrust it at him. Tommy didn't seem to notice her uncharacteristic
silence, but Merton was pretty sure it wasn't a good time to press the issue.
Besides, Tommy seemed determined to get him out of there as quickly as
possible, and he had a pretty good idea why. He mumbled a goodbye to Lori that
she barely acknowledged and let Tommy pull him toward the stairs, his head
spinning from the flurry of activity as much as from the tension in the room.
"What the hell was that?" he asked as soon as they got in his car, turning to
face Tommy.
"What?"
"Did you and Lori have a fight or something?"
Tommy sighed and looked down at the seat between them, his silence stretching
out for so long that Merton started to worry that something was really wrong.
Finally Tommy cleared his throat and looked up again, his expression carefully
neutral. "Can we not talk about this right now?"
"No way," Merton answered, glancing over Tommy's shoulder at the huge house
they were still parked in front of. "She was busy telling me how ungrateful I
am just before you got there, so if there's something else going on I think I
have a right to know. What happened?"
"It's not you. Well, it's not your fault anyway. I think she thinks I'm
ignoring her. I tried to explain things to her but she just freaked out and
took off. She didn't talk to me all day, but I didn't think she'd drag you into
it." Tommy frowned and Merton instantly felt guilty for pressing the issue when
he obviously didn't feel like dwelling on it. "She's been so cool about
everything, I guess I just took it for granted."
"Maybe you should go back in there and talk to her," Merton suggested as gently
as he could manage. "I mean I'd do it but I don't know if it would make any
difference. She's your best friend, right?"
Tommy shook his head and reached across the seat, covering Merton's hand with
his own and squeezing before he pulled away to a safe distance. "She just needs
a little time to cool off. I'll talk to her tomorrow, I swear. Right now I just
want to not think about any of it for awhile."
Part of Merton felt like he should press the issue; make Tommy go back inside
and apologize to Lori. She was just trying to help, after all, even if it
wasn't really any of her business. Besides, Tommy had dragged her into the
middle of it when he decided to use her house as a meeting place, and it wasn't
really fair to her. Merton knew how it felt to suddenly be replaced in
someone's life, and he didn't want to be the reason Lori and Tommy stopped
being friends. Tommy didn't look like he was in any shape to deal with her,
though, so Merton nodded and started the car. He pulled away from the curb and
headed in the direction of his own house, praying his parents were working
late.
***** Chapter 28 *****
"Lori?"
"Oh, it's you."
Merton stifled a sigh and shifted the phone so it wasn't quite as close to his
ear in case she decided to yell at some point during the conversation. "Um…hi.
Listen, about this afternoon…"
"Did Tommy put you up to this?"
"What? No, he doesn't even know I'm calling."
"Because you can tell him that if he thinks he can get you to fight his battles
for him he's wrong."
"He's not even here, I swear. He left over an hour ago, he had to get home
before his dad."
"Oh. Well then why are you calling me?"
He rolled his eyes, thankful she couldn't see him through the phone line. Lori
was nice and she was pretty fun to hang out with, but the truth was she scared
him a little. "I just felt bad about the way we left earlier. Tommy told me you
were mad at him and I figured it had something to do with me."
"It's not your fault Tommy's a jerk, Merton."
He bit his lip to quell the urge to insist that Tommy wasn't a jerk, that he
was under way too much pressure and it wasn't his fault Lori didn't understand
that. It was true, but it wasn't going to help her feel any better. Besides, he
didn't call her to make things worse. "It's kind of my fault, though. I mean
when you asked me what was going on earlier I didn't tell you because I thought
you were just teasing me again. If I'd known you and Tommy had a fight about me
I would have told you everything was fine."
"We didn't have a fight about you." There was a long pause, and Merton started
to wonder if she was waiting for him to say something when she finally
continued. "He told you about that?"
"He didn't tell me everything, just that you were worried about me. So I
guess…you know, I should thank you."
He heard her sigh on the other end of the line, and he braced himself for a
sarcastic comeback. He had no idea if he was just making things worse for
Tommy, but after watching him brood for two hours in Merton's bedroom he
figured he should at least try. It was Tommy's fault Lori didn't understand
what was going on, but that didn't mean Merton couldn't try to help them work
things out. He assumed that before he came along Lori was the one Tommy
confided in about his messy home life, but even though he felt for Lori he
wasn't about to give up his new status as Tommy's confidante.
"Forget it, Merton," she finally said, her tone telling him that she was at
least a little less angry than she had been when he first called. "Tommy
doesn't really know what he's doing, and he's not that good at talking about
stuff. I just don't want to see him screw up something that makes him happy."
"If it makes you feel any better I don't really know what I'm doing either,"
Merton said. "I mean I've only done this once before, and that didn't end very
well."
"Oh yeah? Anybody I know?"
"I don't think so," Merton said, praying she'd let it go. Telling Tommy about
his relationship with Alistair was one thing, but he didn't really want to
spread it around any more. For one thing it was embarrassing, and anyway he
could respect Alistair's privacy even if they weren't friends anymore. "He goes
to our school."
"So why'd you break up?"
He stifled a sigh at the memory of his first relationship, although now that he
and Tommy were together he wasn't even sure he could call what he and Alistair
had an actual relationship. The worst part had been the way it ended, and he
usually tried not to think about it. Still, if it would help Lori understand
how important Tommy was to him he'd tell her what she wanted to know.
"To tell you the truth we never really talked about it. I mean we were friends,
and one thing just sort of led to another. Then one day I guess he just changed
his mind because he stopped talking to me."
"Really? And you still see him at school all the time? That's harsh."
"At first it was pretty bad. I mean I wasn't in love with him or anything, but
he was my best friend and when we stopped being friends everybody sort of took
his side. Not that they knew why we stopped being friends, but it gave them an
excuse to avoid me. I'm not exactly the most popular guy in the honors crowd."
"No offense, Merton, but you need some new friends." He smiled at that but
stopped short of pointing out that he had Tommy now, and maybe even her.
"Yeah, well, let's just say I know what it's like to suddenly not have a best
friend anymore. That's kind of why I called, actually. I know I've been taking
up a lot of Tommy's time lately…"
"It's not that," she interrupted, talking over him just quickly enough to let
Merton know she was uncomfortable with the subject. "I mean I know how Tommy
feels about you, it's not like I didn't expect him to want to hang out with
you."
"Yeah, but it still sucks when suddenly your best friend isn't around anymore."
"I guess." She paused again, and he could hear her moving around on the other
end of the line like she was looking for something. He'd never actually seen
Lori embarrassed about anything, but from what he knew about her he guessed
that talking about her attachment to Tommy was the one thing that could make
her uncomfortable. "Look, don't worry about it, okay? I mean Tommy and I will
work it out as soon as he tells me how sorry he is and begs my forgiveness."
He grinned in spite of himself at the image of Tommy begging Lori to be his
friend again. The truth was that was probably exactly what would happen, and
Merton was willing to bet it wouldn't be the first time Tommy had groveled
about something that upset her. "So you're okay?"
"Sure, Merton, I'm fine. Actually I'm better now that you told me about your
break-up with the mystery guy. That beats even my worst break-up story, I feel
so much better."
"I'm glad my misery came in handy then," he said, a wry grin turning up the
corners of his mouth. Thinking about Alistair used to make his cheeks flush and
make him want to move to a new zip code, but now that he and Tommy were
together it didn't bother him so much. In fact he hadn't blushed once while he
was telling Lori what happened between them, and he didn't feel like hiding or
throwing up. "It was a long time ago anyway."
"Still. I thought it was bad when my ex cheated on me with one of my best
friends. I told him I never wanted to talk to him again, we had this huge, ugly
scene. The worst part was that I really liked him, so when he had his car
accident and died…" She trailed off and for a second Merton wondered if she was
going to cry, panic setting in at the thought of trying to find the right thing
to say to comfort Lori. "To tell you the truth I don't know what I saw in the
idiot. I guess it was just hard to let it go because we never talked about it
before he died."
He stifled a relieved sigh and told himself not to press for more details; he
didn't really want to get into a conversation with Lori about her broken heart,
no matter how natural it seemed to ask if she wanted to talk about it. "Yeah,
that sounds pretty bad. At least Alistair's still around giving me weird looks
in the halls. Come to think of it I'm not sure if that's such a good thing."
"Alistair? You mean that creepy blond guy? The one that's always hanging out
with that freshman?"
Merton blushed and rolled his eyes at himself for being so stupid. He hadn't
meant to say Alistair's name out loud, but he was surprised Lori knew who he
was. "Yeah. We were best friends all through grade school and junior high. He
wasn't always so stuck up."
"That's good to know, because I was starting to worry about you. Still, how do
you get from that guy to Tommy? They're like exact opposites."
"Like I said, Alistair and I were friends for a long time. It just kind of
happened, you know? He's not exactly my type. At least I don't think he is. I
don't really know what my type is yet."
"Well Tommy might be an idiot sometimes, but at least he wouldn't do what that
Alistair guy did. So maybe it worked out for the best."
"Yeah." Merton hadn't let himself think too hard about any of this until now,
mainly because he didn't want to build up any unrealistic expectations about
what was going to happen after high school. He was still going halfway across
the country for college, and even if he did decide to blow off Johns Hopkins
they'd have to say goodbye eventually. "Listen, I should go. I still have
homework to do."
"Right, I forgot Tommy took up your whole afternoon. Not that you minded."
He could practically see her smirk, and he smiled as he realized that things
were more or less back to normal. Or at least as normal as his life ever got.
"Not really. So I guess I'll see you tomorrow."
"Sure. Thanks for calling, Merton."
"No problem." He smiled again and hung up, letting out a sigh as soon as his
gaze fell on the stack of books sitting on his desk. He had a lot of homework
that he'd been avoiding all week, but he couldn't put it off forever. He'd
spent most of the week letting Tommy distract him from schoolwork, but it had
definitely been worth it. Even watching Tommy brood meant that they got to be
together, and Merton almost didn't mind the fact that Tommy seemed to have more
on his mind than usual that afternoon. At least he knew that when Tommy was
ready to talk about it, he'd be the first one to know.
~
The next time Merton saw Tommy he was with Lori, their heads bent together as
they walked down the hall toward him. The way everyone looked at them or moved
out of their way reminded Merton of one of those John Hughes movies about the
high school social hierarchy, but even that thought wasn't enough to snap him
out of his mood. He was glad they'd made up, and it was obvious from the way
they were talking that they had. Part of him couldn't help being jealous,
though, and as much as he hated that about himself he couldn't change it.
He wanted it to be him walking shoulder to shoulder with Tommy, Tommy's arm
draped securely around his shoulders as the taller boy leaned down to whisper
in Merton's ear. It should have been him laughing at whatever Tommy just
whispered to Lori, and it should have been him smiling up at his boyfriend like
there was no one else in the entire school. The fact that Tommy and Lori really
did look like the perfect couple was good for Tommy's image, but it wasn't
doing anything to help Merton get through the day.
As they got closer to his locker Merton told himself that he hoped they
wouldn't even see him, because he was sure if Tommy looked at him he'd be able
to tell exactly what Merton was thinking. He didn't want to have to explain
later why he'd looked so jealous of Lori. He wasn't even sure if Tommy would
understand; he'd never been in Merton's shoes, and Merton was pretty sure Tommy
would never have to worry about that.
It was Lori that noticed him first, her grin brightening as she caught his eye.
"Hey, Merton."
He swallowed a groan and managed a weak smile, his gaze darting to Tommy for a
split second before he focused on Lori again. "Hi."
He said a silent prayer that she'd let it go at her usual 'hey' and keep
walking, but as soon as he thought it she stopped in front of him. "Thanks
again for last night," she said, stealing a quick glance at Tommy before she
turned back to Merton. "You definitely cleared some things up."
Merton didn't want to look at Tommy, he knew it was a bad idea to even
acknowledge the fact that the other boy was standing there. It was like he
couldn't help it, though, almost like there was some kind of force pulling him
in Tommy's direction. As soon as he glanced over at Tommy he knew that Lori
must have told him about their phone call, because Tommy didn't look at all
surprised. "Don't mention it," he answered, resisting the urge to add 'please'.
"Seriously, it was cool of you to call," she continued as if he hadn't said
anything. "It definitely helped make Tommy's case."
He had no idea what she was up to, and he couldn't tell from Tommy's expression
what he was missing. He had to have missed something, though, because there was
no way Lori was just casually chatting with him about Tommy in the middle of a
crowded hallway. Anybody else would probably think Tommy was bored, but Merton
knew him well enough to see that he was uncomfortable. Maybe not to the same
alarming degree as Merton, but he obviously didn't know what Lori was doing
either.
"It was no problem," he mumbled, finally deciding that looking at the floor was
preferable to looking at either one of them. It would almost be easier to
believe he'd fallen and hit his head, hallucinating his entire relationship
with Tommy. Maybe he really was just Lori's tutor, and somehow he'd dreamed up
an entire love life that would never, ever happen in reality. Or maybe he was
back in the hospital after that first time he passed out in Chemistry, and
Tommy didn't even know the extent of the damage T'n'T had inflicted on him.
Either possibility was more likely than the idea of Lori practically outing
both of them in the hallway before first period.
"Thanks again, Merton. See you later," she said, smiling at him as though the
entire conversation was normal.
"Yeah, see you," Merton said without looking at her. His attention was focused
squarely on Tommy, and for once he forgot that the entire senior class was
probably watching them. He knew better, but Tommy was looking at him almost
like…no, there was no way. Tommy was not thinking about doing something he
couldn't take back right in the middle of the hall, not after all the time
they'd spent covering their tracks. He knew as well as Merton did that if
anyone found out it would ruin everything. Suddenly Merton wasn't sure about
anything, though, and all he really wanted to do was go home and lie down.
A second later Tommy was gone, letting Lori steer him down the hall again.
Merton let out the breath he didn't realize he'd been holding as he watched
them go, swallowing the swell of disappointment that Tommy hadn't actually gone
through with it. Tommy hadn't said a word, in fact, but Merton could tell
exactly what he was thinking when he'd looked at his face. He didn't know what
Lori and Tommy had talked about that morning, but he was pretty sure he could
guess.
He turned toward his first class, hoping to avoid anyone that might actually
talk to him until he reached the sanctity of his desk. Usually having English
Lit first period was his idea of torture, but after the weirdness of the past
few minutes he was almost looking forward to a boring lecture on Jonathan
Swift. At least no one would notice if he looked slightly dazed.
As soon as he turned around he found himself face to face with a few of his
classmates, and he stifled the groan that rose up in his throat when he
realized he wasn't going to escape the hallway as fast as he'd hoped.
"That was an interesting little scene," one of them said. Merton was too busy
trying to figure out a way out of the conversation to pay attention to who was
talking, but he had a feeling they weren't going to make it easy for him. "So
what did she mean by 'thanks for last night'?"
He was tempted to tell them it was none of their business, but even though it
was the truth he knew that would just make it worse. Instead he forced his
expression to go blank and focused on a point just over Eric's right shoulder.
"I tutor her in Chemistry on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It's no big deal."
"You know, that's weird because most of us are tutoring one of the jocks and
none of us ever see you in the tutoring room after school. In fact, nobody's
seen you or Lori since the first day."
"She likes to study at her house," Merton answered, biting back a sarcastic
remark about how he'd already explained this to them once and if they couldn't
remember anything it wasn't his problem. If they were all so interested in his
social life he wished they'd write this stuff down so he didn't have to keep
going over it, but he had a feeling they weren't interested in the truth about
his relationship with Lori.
"So you hang around in that huge house of hers and study Chemistry?" Merton
looked over at the source of the voice when the question was followed by a
sarcastic laugh, scowling at his so-called friend Eric. "What's her boyfriend
think about that?"
"Please, like Merton's got something going on with Tommy Dawkins' girlfriend,"
Amanda interjected, trying and failing to wipe the smirk off her face when
Merton turned his attention to her. "No offense, Merton, but like that would
ever happen."
He wanted to tell them the truth more than anything; he wished Tommy had gone
through with his impulse to kiss Merton before Lori dragged him away, the
consequences be damned. He didn't care about Tommy's dad or the football team
or what the last two months of school would be like. All he cared about was the
fact that none of them knew anything about him, and he was really tired of
everyone just assuming that he didn't have any feelings.
The truth was that he knew all of them a lot better than they remembered; he
could throw any number of ancient hurts in their faces, like the fact that
Amanda had been a little overweight in grade school. It had taken her a long
time to live down that image, even after she went away on a six-month
'vacation' with her mother and came back 30 pounds lighter. He knew enough
about Alistair to make his life a living hell, and he knew the rest of their
secrets too. There was a time when he thought it was funny how quickly they all
forgot that he used to be counted among their closest friends, but standing
there in front of them the urge to use that information against them was almost
overwhelming.
Instead of giving in to the urge to remind them all of their own shortcomings
he forced a bitter laugh, shrugging and shifting his backpack a little further
up his shoulder. "Amanda's always been smarter than you guys, you should listen
to her," he said, pushing his way through them to disappear into his English
classroom. Most of them were in his class but he didn't look back to see if
they followed; he assumed they'd linger in the hallway to gossip about him
until the bell rang, and for once he hoped he was right. At least if they were
busy inventing some pathetic crush on Lori they wouldn't come too close to the
truth, and as long as he could protect Tommy from the kind of gossip he'd grown
accustomed to he didn't care what they said about him.
***** Chapter 29 *****
A few weeks had passed since what Merton had come to think of as The Hallway
Incident, and they still hadn't talked about it. When he'd asked Lori at their
next tutoring session why she'd stopped in the middle of the hall to talk to
him about their phone call she'd just shrugged and changed the subject. Tommy
didn't even seem to remember it, or if he did he wasn't talking. Merton would
have thought he imagined the whole thing if it wasn't for the increased
whispers among his classmates whenever he happened to pass them, but as long as
they were still stuck on the idea of him and Lori he wasn't going to panic.
Well, he was trying not to panic, anyway, which was getting increasingly harder
each time he saw Tommy in school. Lori and Tommy had gone back to saying a
quick hello if they even acknowledged his presence in the halls, but every time
their eyes met Tommy had that look on his face. Merton knew that look – he'd
worked hard after his messy break-up with Alistair to avoid letting his ex-best
friend see it – and it worried him more than even Tommy and Lori's silence on
the subject of The Hallway Incident.
If anyone had bothered to ask he would have had to admit that part of him was
flattered by the way Tommy looked at him, but it terrified him as much as it
thrilled him to think that Tommy might be willing to risk everything in the
last few weeks of high school. If it had just been that one time he could have
convinced himself that Tommy was just having a bad day, but after it happened a
few more times he couldn't deny it anymore. He knew he had to say something to
Tommy, but he wasn't even sure how to begin that conversation. The fact that
thanks to Mr. Dawkins they'd barely seen each other over the past few weeks
wasn't helping, and Merton had no idea when he'd even get a chance to ask Tommy
if everything was okay.
They hadn't had definite plans since Tommy's week-long break from the
basketball team; now that he was back to daily practices and weekend games
Merton barely ever saw him. He tried not to show how much it bothered him, but
he could tell Lori thought something was up and it was only a matter of time
before she said something to Tommy. It wasn't as though Tommy could do anything
about it, though, not when almost all his free time was monitored by his
father.
The complete lack of control Merton had over his own love life had led him to
long bouts of brooding alone in his room, the stereo playing something suitably
depressing just loud enough that his parents wouldn't come in and make him turn
it down. The last thing he needed was a heart to heart with either of them; not
only was it embarrassing, but he was pretty sure they wouldn't understand what
he was going through. Even his schoolwork was starting to grind to a halt, save
the final term papers he'd already pretty much finished for his English and
History classes. So there was nothing for him to do that night except exactly
what he was doing; lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling and brooding
about Tommy.
He almost didn't hear the knock on his window over his favorite Joy Division
CD, but when the knock sounded a second time he sat up and looked over at the
window. His curtains were open to let in the light from an almost full moon,
and when he stood up and looked out the window he could see Tommy clearly
silhouetted against the darkness.
"Tommy? What's going on?" he asked when he pushed the window up as far as it
would go.
"Nothing. The game's over, I just wanted to see if you were awake. Can I come
in?"
"Yeah, of course," Merton answered, taking a few steps backwards as he watched
Tommy grip the windowsill and easily push himself up and through the window.
"Why didn't you just ring the doorbell?"
Tommy didn't answer until he'd climbed over the windowsill and closed the
window behind him. When he turned back to Merton his cheeks were slightly pink
from the exertion of climbing through the window, and he slid off his jacket
and dropped it on Merton's desk. "I didn't want to wake up your parents."
Merton glanced over at the clock, realizing for the first time that it was past
10:00. "How long can you stay?"
"My dad's out with his friends so I've got a couple hours at least," Tommy
answered. "And as long as I don't get caught I think he's pretty much over the
lying thing. So I might be able to get out tomorrow night. If you want."
"Of course I want…I mean of course I do," Merton amended quickly, his cheeks
turning a deeper shade of red as Tommy grinned at him. "Are you sure it's a
good idea, though? After the last time who knows what he'll do if he catches
you."
"I'm sick of worrying about it," Tommy answered, letting out a frustrated sigh
and running his hands through his hair. "All I ever think about is whether or
not somebody's gonna catch on. I'm sick of it."
Part of Merton regretted bringing it up at all, but since he already had there
was no reason to waste the opportunity. "Is that what that thing in the hallway
was about?"
"What thing?"
"Lori stopping to thank me for interfering in your problems," Merton said,
stifling the urge to let out a sigh of his own. He wasn't sure why they both
kept pretending they didn't know what he was talking about, but he wasn't going
to stop asking until he figured out what he was missing. "And you've been
really distracted lately. Not just at school, either."
"Sorry." Tommy let out another deep breath and crossed the room to sink onto
the edge of Merton's mattress. "It's not you. I mean this is part of it, but
mostly it's me. I don't know what I'm doing, I hate having to worry about my
parents and the kids at school but if anybody finds out…"
"Nobody's going to find out, Tommy," Merton heard himself say, thankful Tommy
wasn't looking at him so he wouldn't see Merton wince. He hated covering their
tracks as much as Tommy did, if not more, but they were talking about Tommy's
whole future. He had a lot more to lose than Merton did, and when Merton left
Pleasantville behind Tommy had to stay and deal with the consequences. "I mean
if you're saying you want to call it off I'll understand."
It was a lie; he'd never understand why this was happening to them, but he
wouldn't try to stop Tommy if he wanted to walk away before anything else
happened. The last few weeks of school would be torture if he had to go back to
pretending he didn't know Tommy at all, but if Tommy wanted out there wasn't
much he could do about it. It came as a shock when Tommy looked up sharply,
panic flooding his features as he reached over and pulled Merton down onto the
mattress with him. A second later he found himself wrapped in a pair of strong
arms, hot breath warming his neck.
"No," Tommy said, his lips brushing Merton's skin and sending a shiver down his
spine. "I don't…you're leaving way too soon as it is, I don't want to call off
anything."
Merton took a few seconds to commit the moment to memory before he responded;
all too soon all he'd have was his memories of Tommy's touch and the sound of
his voice, and he didn't want to forget a thing. When he was satisfied that
he'd never forget the quiet desperation in Tommy's voice he pulled back just
enough to press his lips to Tommy's, tightening his grip on the other boy as
Tommy kissed him back with an urgency he'd never felt before.
Relief and uncertainty were replaced by a surge of want as Tommy pulled him
backwards onto the mattress, sliding one hand under Merton's shirt to press
against the small of his back. Merton let Tommy tug him even closer, saying a
quick prayer that if either of his parents overheard them that they'd at least
wait until the morning to tell him Tommy wasn't welcome in their house anymore.
He'd deal with whatever he had to tomorrow, as long as they didn't interrupt
the few hours of Tommy's time he got that night.
He pulled back long enough to pull his shirt over his head, dropping it on the
floor before he reached for Tommy's shirt. As soon as his shirt was off Tommy
settled back against Merton's pillows, green eyes shining with an emotion
Merton wouldn't let himself think about as Tommy stared up at him. He swallowed
the urge to say how he felt out loud, tearing his gaze away from Tommy's and
reaching for the waistband of his jeans. Something in the air made it feel
almost final, like it was the last night they'd have together. Merton knew it
wasn't true; there were still almost two months until the end of the school
year, and Tommy had just said that he'd try to come over the next night.
Knowing that didn't help him shake the feeling that this was some kind of
turning point for them, and Merton had to close his eyes to fight back the
tears that were threatening to form. He wasn't going to cry about it, not in
front of Tommy. This was just the way it had to be; high school romances never
worked out anyway, so he knew better than to get so attached. When he felt
Tommy shift underneath him and then a pair of arms wrap around him he almost
lost the battle with his emotions, but he swallowed hard against the lump in
his throat and let Tommy pull him back down onto the mattress.
He let Tommy push his boxers down his legs, kicking them off the rest of the
way as Tommy pushed his own jeans and boxers onto the floor. The weight of
Tommy's chest felt reassuring against his, and what had started out as him
comforting Tommy turned into Tommy whispering soothing words against his throat
as they rocked together. Later when he thought about it he'd be embarrassed
that Tommy could tell how close he'd come to crying, but Tommy didn't seem to
mind and Merton wasn't about to stop him long enough to stammer some useless
explanation. Tommy knew as well as he did what the sudden surge of emotion was
about, even if Merton hadn't said it out loud. He wasn't sure what to make of
the fact that the other boy didn't seem surprised, but he couldn't concentrate
long enough to decide whether or not to worry.
Then Tommy reached between them and Merton stopped thinking at all, giving
himself over to the sensation of Tommy's fingers wrapping around his erection.
He mirrored the other boy's movements automatically, swallowing the sound of
Tommy's gasp with another kiss. He knew it would be over too soon, and when
Tommy moaned and tightened his grip Merton buried his face in the other boy's
neck to stifle a gasp. He arched into Tommy, his fist tightening convulsively
on Tommy's dick as he rode out the wave of pleasure. When he came back to
himself Tommy was still thrusting against him, and Merton pushed him back onto
the mattress and straddled his hips.
For a second Tommy looked confused, then realization dawned on him and he
squeezed his eyes shut tight to stop himself from losing control before he was
ready. Merton pressed a soft kiss to his parted lips, pulling away almost
immediately to work his way down Tommy's neck and chest. Fingers found their
way to his hair to guide him further down, past Tommy's stomach to close his
mouth around Tommy's length. He could feel Tommy straining not to thrust up
into his mouth, and he pressed his hands against Tommy's hips to hold him
against the mattress as he swallowed as much as he could and then pulled back
again. When he glanced up at Tommy his eyes were open again, the emotion Merton
had seen earlier still shining in his eyes. He tore his gaze away from the
other boy's and worked his mouth up and down Tommy's length a little faster,
ignoring the tightening in his chest and his pulse pounding against his ears.
He felt Tommy tense and pulled off a little, waiting until Tommy shuddered out
the last of his orgasm before he pulled back and stretched out on the mattress
next to the other boy. As soon as he settled against Tommy he found himself
wrapped in strong arms again, heat hitting his neck as Tommy tried to catch his
breath. He was almost sure he heard Tommy murmur something against his skin,
but he couldn't make out the words and he didn't want to pull away long enough
to ask Tommy to repeat himself. Instead he closed his eyes and breathed in
their mingled scents, doing his best not to think about the fact that Tommy
would have to get up and leave again long before he was ready to let go.
~
When Merton woke up on Saturday morning the night before came rushing back in
vivid detail, staining his cheeks red as he turned his face into the pillow and
inhaled the scent of Tommy lingering in his sheets. Neither of them had been
too crazy about the idea of Tommy going home, but as long as Tommy didn't raise
his father's suspicions or get caught sneaking back into his house they still
had tonight to look forward to. Merton grinned at the thought and threw the
sheets back, humming to himself on his way to the bathroom.
Once his teeth were brushed and he was fairly sure his parents wouldn't be able
to tell just by looking at him that Tommy had been there the night before he
made his way to the kitchen. He stopped short just outside the door, the sound
of his sister's voice catching his attention. He pushed the kitchen door open
enough to see that Becky was on the phone, twirling the cord around her finger
as she leaned against the counter and talked animatedly to one of her friends.
"No, not lately. He's so busy with basketball though, semi-finals are coming
up. I think he's coming over tonight, though." She paused to listen to whatever
the person on the other end of the line was saying, but Merton had already
heard enough to know who she was talking about. He should have known Becky
would make her friends think that Tommy was hanging around their house because
of her, but until that moment he hadn't thought about what kind of trouble that
could cause for Tommy. Becky had no idea what was going on between them, Merton
was sure of it. The fact that she had no idea what she was doing didn't make
him feel any better, though.
"I know, there's no other explanation. I mean why would he hang around with my
freak brother if he didn't have another reason? I'll probably be the only
freshman at the prom."
Merton rolled his eyes, although he wasn't sure whether to be bothered by the
fact that Becky thought he was useless as a friend or embarrassed for her that
she thought she had a shot at Tommy Dawkins. Then again he'd never thought he'd
have a shot at Tommy Dawkins, and look how that had turned out. Part of him
felt sorry for Becky, because when she figured out the real reason Tommy was so
interested in him she was going to be pretty disappointed. The rest of him just
wanted to kill her for gossiping to her friends about his social life.
He waited until she hung up the phone before he pushed the kitchen door open
the rest of the way, his eyes narrowing as she looked over at him long enough
to roll her eyes. "First of all, Tommy is not asking you to the prom. I don't
even think he remembers your name," Merton said, ignoring the flash of hurt in
her eyes. It was replaced almost instantly by an indignant scowl, and she
crossed her arms over her chest as he crossed the room to stop in front of her.
"What are you doing eavesdropping on my conversations, Freak? God, you're so
creepy, you don't have any friends of your own so you have to listen to me talk
to mine?"
He ignored the sting of hurt that came along with the insult and focused on the
most important issue. "If you don't want people to hear you talking you should
try lowering your voice. And what are you doing telling your friends anything
about Tommy? Don't you have anything better to talk about?"
"Can I help it if everyone at school's wondering what Tommy's doing hanging
around with you? He's not paying you to do his homework, is he?"
He could tell by her smirk that he hadn't quite managed to keep from reacting
to the accusation, but he shrugged it off as quickly as he could. "Stop
spreading rumors about Tommy, Becky. You don't know what you're talking about."
"I'm not spreading rumors. All I said was that he's been hanging around here a
lot lately. Why's that a big secret? I mean I could see Tommy being
embarrassed, but you should be taking out an ad in the paper or something."
She was wearing the expression that told Merton she thought she'd figured out
something important, but there was no way he could tell her why it was such a
big deal without telling her the truth. He had no idea how his sister would
take the news that he was gay, but since she evidently hadn't figured it out
yet he wasn't going to tempt fate. For all he knew she'd start spreading that
around school, and then Tommy really would have something to worry about. "Just
quit talking about stuff you don't understand," he finally answered through
gritted teeth.
"You can't just order me around, Freaker. It's a free country, you know," she
shot back, taking a step backwards when she caught the flash of anger in his
eyes.
Before he had a chance to answer the kitchen door swung open again, and they
both turned in time to see their mother walk into the room. For a long time
Merton had been convinced that she had some sort of maternal ESP that let her
know when one of her children was contemplating murdering the other, and her
sudden appearance cemented his theory. If she'd waited thirty seconds he
probably would have said or done something he'd regret, and he was pretty sure
from the expression on his sister's fact that Becky could tell.
"What on earth are you two yelling about now?" their mother demanded, hands on
her hips as she glared at them.
"He was totally eavesdropping, Mom. I was just talking to Ashley and he
listened to my whole conversation."
"She was talking about me," Merton said, his gaze never leaving his sister.
"Yeah, right, like anybody would want to hear about you," she shot back, some
of her confidence returning now that their mother was in the room.
"Rebecca, go clean your room," their mother said, raising her eyebrows when
Becky opened her mouth to argue. "You're not leaving this house until it's
spotless. And any more fighting and you're not spending the night at Ashley's."
"He started it," Becky insisted, shooting a glare at Merton.
"I don't care, it's too early to listen to the two of you yelling. Merton, stay
out of your sister's way until she leaves. Go sit down and I'll fix your
breakfast. Becky, go. Now."
Becky let out a final indignant huff and stormed out of the kitchen, muttering
under her breath until the door swung shut behind her. When she was gone Mrs.
Dingle let out a weary sigh and shook her head, ignoring Merton until she'd
started his breakfast. Part of Merton wanted to apologize to her for fighting
with Becky; he knew how much it irritated her, but this time he had a good
reason. Apologizing for fighting with his sister seemed almost wrong, though,
so he kept his mouth shut and stared at the newspaper without seeing any of the
words.
"You know, someday you two might even be friends, as crazy as it sounds now,"
his mother said, her voice gentle as she watched him from the stove.
He managed a weak laugh and glanced in the direction his sister had
disappeared. "Somehow I don't think Becky's ever going to think much of me."
"She's a smart girl, she might surprise you one of these days."
"I guess stranger things have happened." He sighed and looked down at the
table, regretting the fight even more now that his mother was actually being
nice to him. "It's just that she was talking about Tommy, how he's been hanging
around with me. I know she doesn't know what's going on, but…forget it."
He let out a frustrated sigh and looked up at his mother, his stomach twisting
when he found her studying him with a worried expression etched in her
features. "How are things at school?"
"Fine," he answered automatically, although he knew what she was asking him.
Part of him wanted to tell her the truth; that things at school were weird, and
things between him and Tommy were even weirder. The thought of having that
conversation with his mother made him want to throw up, though, so he stuck to
the vaguest answer he could think of. "Everything's the same as it always is."
"And Tommy? Is everything okay for him at school?"
"Sure, he's Tommy Dawkins. Everybody loves Tommy."
She nodded in a way that let him know he wasn't fooling her, turning back to
the eggs she was scrambling. "We haven't seen much of him lately."
"Yeah, his dad's…he's been busy with basketball and stuff," he amended, wincing
at the almost-slip. He wasn't sure what Tommy would think if Merton spilled the
truth about Mr. Dawkins to his parents, but he didn't want to find out. There
wasn't anything they could do anyway, and Tommy wouldn't be happy about having
to answer a bunch of well-meaning but stupid questions about his family. "He
might come over tonight."
"Good," his mother said, nodding without looking over at him. Merton shuddered
at the chill that ran down his spine, wondering all over again if his mother
knew everything whether he told her or not. Before he convinced himself that he
was imagining things she looked up again, her contemplative expression replaced
by a bright smile. "It's been awhile, it'll be nice to see him again."
***** Chapter 30 *****
Sometimes having a secret that nobody else knew was kind of cool. Most of the
time Merton was just nervous that somebody would find out, but every so often
he'd catch himself thinking about Tommy and he couldn't control the smile that
formed. Anybody that happened to look at him probably thought he was crazy, but
he didn't really care what people at school thought of him. In a few months
most of them would have forgotten who he was, so it didn't matter if they
thought he was losing it.
It was a good thing he didn't care since it had been happening more and more
lately. There was no real explanation for it, because with basketball coming to
a close Tommy was busier than ever trying to keep the team in the running for
State Finals. Merton didn't pretend to care about that stuff, but he knew it
was important to Tommy. He had a feeling that the reason it was important to
Tommy had more to do with his dad than any actual interest in basketball, but
either way he tried to understand why they barely saw each other during the
week.
The few times they had managed to steal a few hours together had been nothing
short of amazing, though, at least when Merton remembered them while he was
daydreaming during English class or staring out the window during Chemistry.
Now that everything – okay, almost everything – was out in the open, they could
pretty much talk about anything that happened to cross their minds. It was nice
not to have to worry about what he said in front of Tommy, especially when they
were curled up together in his room or on the couch and he was half asleep.
Watching what he said while he was less than aware was a challenge, but now he
didn't have to worry about it.
Tommy didn't seem to mind questions about his parents, for instance, so Merton
had learned more than he ever expected to about Tommy's family over the past
few weeks. He knew that his father had blown out his knee in high school,
effectively ending his dream of becoming a professional football player. He
knew that Dean never wanted to play football, and getting himself kicked out of
school was his way of standing up to their dad. Tommy had said some things
during his own less guarded moments about what he wanted to do with his future,
and professional football hadn't come up once.
Merton tried not to read too much into the things Tommy said while he was more
or less thinking out loud, but part of him wanted to believe Tommy was thinking
about finally standing up to his father. He told himself every time the thought
crossed his mind that it wouldn't make any difference for them; he'd still be
going away to college, and even if Tommy said he wanted to keep in touch he
knew they weren't going to have some great long-distance romance. At best
they'd stay friends, and Tommy would have somebody that knew exactly what he
was going through. Once Tommy figured out a way around his father he wouldn't
even need that anymore, and then they'd lose touch completely.
He knew eventually they wouldn't even know each other, and the best he could
hope for was that Tommy would stumble out of the closet someday and remember
Merton as his first boyfriend. He knew he'd never forget Tommy, because even
though he wasn't Merton's first relationship he was the first person Merton had
really fallen for. Everybody always said that you never forget your first love,
and for the first time he believed them.
So he wasn't waiting around for Tommy to come out, because he knew that wasn't
going to happen. He wasn't waiting for anything, in fact; mostly he was just
hoping to make it to the end of the school year without any more close calls.
He had no idea what his mother had said to his sister, but whatever it was
worked because the one time she'd been home when Tommy came over she'd almost
acted like a human being. He wasn't sure whether to be grateful or nervous
about the looks Becky gave him every time she saw him lately, but she hadn't
said anything to him yet so he was doing his best to ignore it.
Aside from his sister and her friends the only problem he had was whatever his
classmates were saying about him, and even though he wasn't thrilled that they
all thought he was carrying a torch for Lori he'd never denied it. There was no
point, because either they'd just decide he was protesting too much or they'd
put their heads together and come up with the real truth. If it wasn't for
Tommy he might just tell them himself, because he didn't really care what they
thought of him. He couldn't be the reason Tommy's world came crumbling down
around him, though, not when Tommy had risked so much just to see him for a few
hours every weekend.
He'd come pretty close to blurting out the truth once or twice, but he'd caught
himself before he said anything he couldn't take back. Even if he tried to
laugh it off and pretend he was kidding he knew that as soon as he said it out
loud they'd be able to tell it was true, and he couldn't afford to risk it.
Besides, he was used to being a topic of speculation for the kids in his
classes, and there were worse people they could accuse him of having a crush
on. At least Lori was pretty cool, and he did spend a lot more time with her
than most of the other kids spent with their tutoring partners. The fact that
he and Lori might just be friends never dawned on any of them, but that didn't
really surprise Merton. He'd learned the hard way that people were always far
more willing to believe an interesting lie than a mundane truth.
After the second time Lori stopped to talk to him in the hallway Merton had
told her what everyone was saying, hoping that would convince her to choose the
times she talked to him more carefully. Instead of backing off around his
classmates she'd just laughed and gone even further out of her way to say hi to
him, and if she wasn't with Tommy she usually turned her smile up just enough
to give them something to really talk about. Merton might have thought it was
funny too if they weren't starting to talk about Tommy, wondering if he was
really that blind or if he just didn't care that Lori was flirting with her
Chemistry tutor.
So instead of helping Merton get through the last weeks of school without any
more humiliation than necessary she seemed hell-bent on making things worse. He
couldn't really blame her; he knew she resented the way his so-called friends
treated him and she was just torturing them because she thought it was funny.
She had no idea what she was doing to Merton, though, or how potentially
dangerous it was to fuel a rumor that had no basis in truth but came a little
too close to what was really going on. The fact was that they were right, they
just had the wrong person. Merton had a crush, alright, and it was completely
and unbelievably requited. If they knew that the whole school would be talking
about it in no time, and that was the one thing Merton was most afraid of.
There was nothing he could do about it, though, so he did his best to keep Lori
away from the honors crowd and hoped they'd get through the rest of high school
without incident. He hated wishing for the end of school because it meant he
was that much closer to saying goodbye to Tommy, but part of him thought it
would be better when they were apart. Better for Tommy, anyway, because he
wouldn't have to worry about anyone finding out about them once Merton was
gone. It wouldn't be better for Merton to be halfway across the United States
from Tommy, but he knew there was nothing he could do about it. Once it was
over Tommy would go back to his normal life, and Merton would just have to find
a way to get over it.
He frowned at the crowd gathered outside his Calculus class and looked down at
the linoleum, hunching his shoulders and hoping none of them would notice as he
passed on his way into the room. He might have made it past them without
incident if a hand hadn't closed around his arm right before he walked through
the door, and he turned to find himself face to face with Lori. As soon as he
realized who it was his heart sank, because there was no way the other kids
from his class would miss the fact that Lori had stopped him on purpose.
"Hey," she said, glancing over his shoulder before she focused on him again. He
was tempted to follow her gaze, but he had a feeling he already knew what she
was looking at. Most of the reason he hadn't seen her walking toward him was
because he'd been too busy focusing on getting past Alistair and his entourage
without having to talk to any of them. He'd regretted telling Lori that
Alistair was his ex-boyfriend as soon as he said it, but now he regretted it
even more. "Listen, I just wanted to tell you that I have to bail on tutoring
today. Tommy's got this thing for basketball, they do this lame end of the year
pep rally thing for the players and he hates going to that stuff by himself."
He knew what she wasn't telling him; that the rest of the team would be
bringing their girlfriends, so Tommy couldn't show up without his. His stomach
felt like it was full of lead, but he did his best to keep his reaction from
showing on his face. Being jealous that Tommy was taking Lori to some party
with the basketball team wasn't going to change anything, and it wasn't like
they could talk about it in the middle of the hall anyway.
"Okay," he finally answered, forcing what he hoped passed for a casual grin.
"No problem, I've got a term paper to work on anyway."
It was a lie; he'd finished his last term paper that weekend while he was
trying not to obsess about what Tommy was doing. She didn't need to know that,
though, and anyway it was just tutoring. It wasn't like Tommy was blowing off
plans they'd made to hang out with Lori. He was just taking the girl the entire
school assumed was his girlfriend to a party, it was perfectly natural. It was
probably a good idea, even, because with the way Tommy had been acting lately
people were probably starting to wonder what was wrong with him.
"I think I'd actually rather study Chemistry than go to this thing," Lori said.
Merton had been hoping she'd just let it go at that, but as soon as she started
talking again he realized she wasn't done. "I mean Tommy's great and all but
the rest of them I could live without."
He grinned self-consciously and shifted his weight, his mind racing as he tried
to think of a way to get rid of her without raising anyone's suspicions. It
would be one thing if everyone in his classes didn't think he was harboring
some kind of crush on her, but he knew as soon as she finally left he'd hear
about it. The less she said to him the better, as far as he was concerned. It
didn't even matter what she was saying, as long as she was talking to him it
would give his audience something to gossip about.
"Well we can catch up on Thursday," he said, stopping himself before he looked
over his shoulder at Alistair and the rest of the students watching them. "On
your Chemistry, I mean."
"Okay." Lori frowned a little as though she was thinking about asking him what
was wrong, then she glanced over his shoulder again and changed her mind.
"Sure, Merton. See you then." He nodded at her back as she turned and started
down the hall again, taking a deep breath and steeling himself before he turned
back toward his classroom.
"That's too bad, Merton. You got dumped for Tommy Dawkins again, huh?" Eric
said as soon as Merton turned to face them.
"Funny," Merton muttered under his breath, glancing over Eric's shoulder as he
wondered what they'd say if he just made a break for it. He could just turn
around and go to the nurse's office, she might believe him if he said he felt
dizzy and needed to lie down. It wasn't that far from the truth anyway, lately
he'd been feeling a little light-headed whenever the subject of Lori or Tommy
came up.
"Come on, you guys, lay off him," Paul said, surprising Merton into glancing
over at the other boy. Paul had never been a close friend of his, but he was
usually the first one to stick up for whoever their friends decided to make fun
of. "He's obviously got a crush on Lori and you're just making him feel worse.
Quit rubbing it in, he knows it's not gonna happen."
Merton opened his mouth to tell all of them that they didn't know what they
were talking about, but he was interrupted by a sarcastic laugh. He turned in
time to see Alistair smirking at him, his expression telling Merton exactly how
funny he thought the idea of Merton and Lori was. "Haven't you guys figured it
out by now? Lori's not exactly Merton's type."
As soon as he heard Alistair laugh Merton tensed, but he hadn't been expecting
his former best friend to say that. Even when he was cutting Merton out of his
life Alistair had been careful not to let on that there was anything going on
between them, and he'd spent the next few years distancing himself from Merton
as much as possible. Maybe he thought it had been long enough that nobody would
put two and two together, but either way Merton couldn't help wondering why
Alistair was suddenly so interested in his social life. Then again, this was
the first time he'd had a social life since Alistair ended their friendship.
"Shut up, Alistair."
"Ooh, clever comeback," Alistair said, his smirk twisting into something a
little more threatening as he looked Merton up and down. "You'd have to do
better than that to impress Lori, but I guess it doesn't matter. Her
boyfriend's not that smart."
Merton bit down hard on the insides of his cheeks to keep himself from saying
the words 'he's not her boyfriend'. He wanted to, more than anything he wanted
to make sure Alistair understood that he wasn't running around behind Lori's
back with a guy she thought was her boyfriend. He couldn't say that either,
though, no matter how good it would feel to tell Alistair the truth and finally
shut all of them up. He couldn't even tell Alistair how wrong he was about
Tommy without admitting at least part of the truth.
"What are you talking about?" Eric asked, his features twisted into a mixture
of shock and disbelief. "You're not saying…"
"I'm saying Merton's got a crush. But it's not on Lori. You don't swing that
way, do you Merton?"
Merton watched Alistair while he spoke, frozen in place by the look on the
other boy's face. He knew Alistair didn't want him around as a reminder of
something he obviously wanted to forget, but until that moment he'd never let
himself think about why Alistair didn't want to remember. He'd told himself
that his former best friend just didn't like him, that he'd decided he wasn't
into guys after all and they couldn't go back to being just friends. What he
hadn't expected was to see jealousy flash in Alistair's eyes. It was only there
for a split second, then it was gone again and replaced by his usual mocking
expression. Merton had definitely seen it, though; he knew Alistair well enough
to recognize it.
It should have made him angry, or maybe sad that their friendship had to end
because Alistair wasn't ready to deal with the truth about himself. All Merton
really felt was pity, though, because he knew that Alistair was lashing out at
him because he didn't want to deal with who he was. "I guess you'd know better
than anybody," Merton said quietly, holding the other boy's gaze for another
moment before he turned and walked away.
He was halfway down the hall before he realized that he was supposed to be in
Calculus, but when the bell rang he kept on walking. He'd probably have
detention the next day, but he couldn't make himself care. It was just a couple
classes anyway, and he knew he wouldn't be able to sit through Calculus and
then Chemistry with all of them staring and whispering behind his back. His
heart was pounding too hard against his ribcage, and as soon as he realized
what he'd just done he had to stop and lean against a locker. Suddenly it was
hard to breathe, and all he could think was that Tommy was going to kill him.
He'd been trying so hard not to say the truth out loud, but all it took was to
look at his ex-best friend and see jealousy and he'd blurted it out. The worst
part was that he didn't even care about Alistair anymore; his bleached hair
could turn green from jealousy and Merton wouldn't give a damn. It wasn't like
Alistair wanted him back, if that was it he'd have said something a long time
ago. What he was jealous of was the fact that Merton had accepted who he was
without really second-guessing it, and Alistair was still trying to figure out
a way around being gay. He was worse off than Tommy in that respect, because at
least Tommy knew what he wanted. Even if he couldn't be open about it he'd
probably get there someday, but Alistair was still as confused as he'd been
their freshman year.
That didn't make what he'd just done any better, though, because not only had
he outed both of them, but he'd just made Tommy's life that much more
difficult. The rumors would probably start flying before he even made it home,
and there was nothing he could do to change it. He could leave town in the dead
of night and never look back, but that wouldn't help Tommy. The only thing he
could do was hope that the rumors would focus on him and not his relationship
with Tommy.
***** Chapter 31 *****
The day after Merton came out he didn't go to school. Maybe that made him a
coward, but he wasn't in the mood to spend a lot of time thinking about it.
Instead he told his mother that he felt dizzy and let her fuss over him until
she was convinced he wasn't dying, then he closed his eyes and tried not to
think about what was going to happen when she figured out he was faking and
made him go back.
Trying not to think about it was a guarantee that he would, and by the time
school ended he'd dreamed up at least a dozen different scenarios, all of them
ending in an ugly scene that involved outing Tommy and ruining both their
lives. He tried to convince himself that he was just being dramatic and that
nothing would happen, but he never quite managed to get himself to believe it.
The look on Alistair's face just before he walked away let Merton know that it
wasn't over, and he had no doubt that when he got back to school it would be
common knowledge that he'd more or less come out to half his Calculus class.
He'd alternated between worrying about Tommy and an almost giddy sense of
freedom for the past twenty-four hours. It felt good to have the truth finally
out in the open; it felt more than good, but as soon as he remembered what it
was going to do to Tommy all the guilt came rushing back. He'd spent the entire
day confusing himself, and by the time his sister got home from school his head
hurt so much he could barely open his eyes.
If his mother hadn't already explained it to Becky she'd know by now, but he
was fairly confident that she wouldn't knock on his door looking to have a
heart-to-heart about his sexuality. In fact, he wouldn't be surprised if she
opted to move in with one of her friends until he was safely out of the house,
if for no other reason than to distance herself from him as much as possible at
school. The truth about him was going to affect her, which was something else
he hadn't thought of until after he let Alistair push him into finally
admitting the truth.
The fact that he'd outed Alistair too wasn't much of a consolation, because he
wasn't sure anyone would believe him. Besides, he didn't really want to hurt
the person he used to think of as his best friend, even if Alistair had made it
practically his life's goal to make sure everyone saw Merton as some kind of
freak. Merton had done his own share of making sure people thought he was
weird, so he couldn't really blame Alistair for taking advantage of it. It
wasn't like anyone had made him trade in his entire wardrobe for black clothes
and dyed hair.
He heard the doorbell ring but the sound just made him bury his head further
into his pillow, closing his eyes against the sound of Becky running down the
hall to let one of her friends in. He couldn't believe any of them would
actually come over after what had no doubt happened at school, but then again
maybe they just wanted to see the freak in his natural habitat. Maybe Becky was
selling tickets to catch a glimpse of him stretched out on his bed like a
corpse, in which case he should really get up and change his shirt. Letting her
make a little cash off his misery was probably the least he could do to make up
for ruining her entire high school career.
The front door slammed shut and he registered the sound of two sets of
footsteps heading back down the hall, but only one of them kept going past his
door. He groaned and pushed himself into a sitting position as his bedroom door
swung open, squeezing his eyes shut against the ache in his temples. "Becky,
leave me alone. Just shut the door and get out."
"Merton, it's me."
Merton had never thought there would actually be a time when he'd choose to
have his sister bothering him over Tommy showing up unexpectedly, but in that
moment he really wished it was Becky sticking her nose in where it didn't
belong. "What are you doing here?" he asked, forcing his eyes open in time to
watch Tommy close the door and take a few steps into the room. "Don't you have
basketball practice or something?"
"I bailed," Tommy answered, shrugging out of his jacket and dropping it on the
foot of the bed. "I don't think the locker room is the best place for me to be
today. Did you really come out in the middle of Calculus yesterday?"
"No. I mean it wasn't in the middle of class." Merton let out a weary sigh and
looked down at the floor, wishing his bedroom was messy so he'd at least have
something to distract him from the weight of Tommy's gaze on him. "What did you
hear?"
"Man, Merton," Tommy said, ignoring the question as he sank onto the mattress
next to the other boy. "This is…I mean why? What happened?"
He had no idea how much to tell Tommy; whether he should just start at the
beginning, with how it felt every time his former friends looked at him like he
was some kind of disease. Knowing Tommy's jealousy streak made him reluctant to
bring up Alistair, but he couldn't deny that his history with the blond had
been part of the reason he'd slipped and let the truth out. If Alistair had
just ignored him or even been civil it would have been easy to keep the truth
to himself, or at least no harder than any other time he stopped himself from
just telling everyone he was gay. There had been a couple rumors to that affect
over the years, but nobody ever seemed to put any stock in them until now.
Maybe they just didn't want to deal with the truth, but whatever the reason he
couldn't take it back now that it was out.
"I didn't mean for it to happen, it just did," he said. "I didn't even say it,
somebody else did. I just didn't deny it."
"Why?"
"Why'd they say it, or why didn't I lie?" A heavy sigh escaped Merton's throat
as he glanced over at Tommy, his heart twisting at the panic in the other boy's
eyes. He'd known exactly the reaction he'd get from Tommy; no matter how tired
he was of hiding the truth, Merton knew once Tommy was faced with the
possibility of being found out that he'd panic. That didn't make it any easier
to watch, though. "What does it matter, Tommy? They're not talking about you,
are they?"
"Not yet, but they will. Everybody already thinks you've got a thing for me,
they're saying that's why you spend so much time with Lori. And your sister and
her friends have seen me here."
Merton stopped short of rolling his eyes. "It's kind of late to be worrying
about that now, isn't it? Look, Tommy, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to
happen, but I can't take it back. Even if I tried nobody would believe me."
Tommy took a deep breath, his shoulders falling forward as he rubbed his palms
against his thighs nervously. Merton watched the progress of his hands
distractedly, his heart pounding against his ears as he waited for Tommy to
start blaming him for ruining his life. When the other boy finally did speak it
wasn't the accusation Merton had been expecting, but it hurt just as much.
"It's just that my dad…if he hears any of this…you don't know what he's like,
Merton. Not really."
"I get it," Merton said, struggling to keep his voice even as he forced the
words out around the lump in his throat. Getting Tommy killed hadn't been part
of his plan, but there was nothing he could do to change the fact that Tommy's
father was a sadistic bastard.
"It's not just him. I mean the guys on the team…everybody at school."
As soon as the words escaped Tommy's throat Merton was on his feet, his back to
the other boy as he clenched his hands into fists and willed himself to calm
down. His head was still pounding and his heart thudded so loud against his
eardrums that he could barely hear the sound of his own voice, but he didn't
know what else to do. "I already said I was sorry, what do you want from me?
You're the one that's been going on and on about how you're sick of lying to
everybody. You're the one giving me weird looks at school, didn't you think
anybody else was gonna notice? Make up your mind, Tommy, what do you want from
me?"
When he forced himself to look up Tommy looked as though he'd been slapped, but
Merton steeled himself against the urge to take it all back. He hadn't meant to
sound as bitter as he did, but it was all true. It was frustrating to watch
Tommy walk the line between who he was and who people expected him to be, and
Merton didn't like feeling like somebody's dirty little secret. He'd gotten
plenty of that with Alistair, he didn't really need a repeat performance with
Tommy.
"I know, I'm sorry," Tommy finally said, his voice softer than Merton had ever
heard it, at least when he still had all his clothes on. "Lori's said the same
thing, and you're both right. But if my dad finds out he'll kick me out. I'll
lose my scholarship and that's it, he might as well kill me."
Part of Merton wanted to shake Tommy for being so dramatic, for acting like his
football scholarship was his only shot at any kind of a future. The rest of him
had a feeling that Tommy really believed that, though, and he felt some of the
anger drain out of him as he watched Tommy sigh. "Look, maybe we should just
cut our losses. I'm leaving in a few weeks anyway, and it's safer for you if
you just pretend you don't know me."
"No," Tommy said before he even finished talking, standing up and crossing the
room to grip Merton's shoulders. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean…I don't want to just
call it off, Merton. I don't think I can."
He'd been so sure that Tommy would agree that the confession took him
completely by surprise, and when he felt Tommy's arms around him he was too
stunned to react at first. As soon as he realized what was happening he lifted
his own arms to circle Tommy's waist, his cheek pressed to Tommy's shoulder as
he inhaled the other boy's scent. "Okay," he murmured into Tommy's shirt, his
headache and the day of worrying forgotten as he realized Tommy wasn't breaking
up with him. "It'll be okay. We'll just be careful."
He knew it was a lot easier said than done, but as soon as the words escaped
his lips Tommy relaxed against him and he knew he'd said the right thing. It
didn't matter if he believed it; he'd already done as much damage to his own
reputation as he could, his only goal now was to make sure he didn't drag Tommy
down with him.
~
Merton's biggest challenge when he finally went back to school was avoiding Tim
and Travis as much as possible. He gave the entire football team a wider berth,
really, but the twins were his biggest worry. For awhile it seemed like they'd
forgotten about him, and he'd been able to walk the halls with a little less
trepidation than he had at the beginning of the semester. As soon as word got
around school that he really was gay, though, everyone in Tommy's circle of
friends was gunning for him.
The ironic thing was that no one had been able to positively determine whether
or not Tommy had any idea that Merton had a crush on him. Alistair had made
sure the whole school knew that much, and there were a few whispers about a few
sightings of Tommy at the Dingle house. They all came from freshmen, though,
and everybody knew better than to trust the word of a freshman when it came to
the most popular guy in school. So Merton kept a low profile as often as
possible, and he kept praying that the other shoe wouldn't drop until after
graduation.
At least if he was out of town when Tommy finally decided to come clean it
wouldn't be so bad for the other boy. His friends might be able to forgive
Tommy being gay, they might even forgive him for masquerading as one of them
for so long. What they wouldn't forgive, however, was his choice of boyfriends,
even if Merton was the only obvious choice he'd had at the time. The fact that
he couldn't exactly come on to any of them wouldn't matter, all that would
matter was that he'd gotten involved with somebody that none of them liked or
trusted.
Merton had a lot of time to think about the logistics of the situation, because
Tommy was still busy with basketball and otherwise trying to appear as normal
as possible and refute any rumors that he might be a little more aware of
Merton's feelings for him than he pretended to be. He was spending as much time
as ever with Lori, and he rarely even glanced in Merton's direction while they
were at school. The worst part of all was that Merton really had himself to
blame, because if he'd just denied the truth that one time none of this would
be happening. In fact Tommy might be at his house on Saturday night instead of
out with the team, probably celebrating the victory that would get them into
the Finals.
He'd been sitting at his desk since dinner, aimlessly surfing the internet
without really paying attention to what he was looking at. The truth was that
he couldn't stop thinking about Tommy, wondering what he was doing and who he
was doing it with. Some days it felt like they really had called it quits after
all; it had only been a few days since Alistair outed him but he'd seen even
less of Tommy than he thought possible, and he was pretty sure he could forget
Tommy showing up over the weekend.
The whole situation was starting to make him question his own judgement. Ever
since Tommy saved him from Tim and Travis and then insinuated himself into his
life Merton had been a spectator in their relationship, sitting back and
letting Tommy dictate the rules of when they could and couldn't acknowledge one
another's existence. At first he hadn't even been sure there was a
relationship, and even now that he knew Tommy genuinely liked him he wasn't
sure how he felt about it. He knew why he put up with it, but he didn't want to
be the kind of guy that would sell out his own self-worth for a pretty face.
Not that he thought of Tommy as just a pretty face, because he knew that Tommy
was smart and sensitive and a genuinely nice person. Having so much time on his
hands gave him way too much time to think about what he'd been doing with the
last six months of his life, and so far he wasn't sure he liked the answers
he'd come up with.
When the doorbell rang he was so grateful for the interruption that he
practically knocked his chair over in his rush to get up, ignoring the voice in
the back of his head that was busy trying to convince him that Tommy had
managed to get away from the team early. He knew better than to believe that
was going to happen, especially not when they were so close to the end of the
season. More likely it was one of Becky's friends, all of whom turned bright
red and lost the ability to speak whenever they caught sight of him. He was in
the mood for a little self-imposed torture, though, so he headed out of his
bedroom and down the hall.
As soon as he pulled the door open and saw the look on Tommy's face he knew
something was wrong, but he waited until he'd pulled the other boy safely
inside and closed the door before he said anything? "Tommy? I thought you had
some big post-game thing tonight."
"Cancelled," Tommy muttered, not bothering to take off his jacket before he
headed down the hall toward Merton's room. When they were safely inside his
room Merton closed the door, frowning as he watched Tommy sink onto his bed and
fall back against the pillows. "Not that it matters. The season's over."
"What happened?"
"I blew it, that's what happened," Tommy said, letting out a heavy sigh and
staring up at the ceiling. "I've had so much on my mind all week, and I tried
not to let it distract me but I blew it anyway. I missed the easiest shot, lost
the whole game."
"It's just one game," Merton said under his breath, half hoping Tommy wouldn't
hear him. He was no expert on sports, but he had a feeling that was exactly the
wrong thing to say.
"You don't get it," Tommy said, pushing himself up on his elbows to look over
at Merton. "This was the game. That's it, we're out of the Finals. The season's
over and it's my fault."
He was right, Merton didn't get it. He didn't understand how one high school
basketball game could be so important to Tommy, never mind the rest of the
school. He knew he'd never understand how Tommy's father could judge his sons'
worth on how they performed in school sports, just as Tommy would probably
never understand what Merton liked so much about Chemistry. It didn't matter
that he didn't get it, though; what mattered was that he knew how important the
game was to Tommy, and he knew that at least part of the reason they'd lost was
because of him.
"They don't really blame you, do they? I mean they can't blame you for losing
one game."
"Sure they can," Tommy said, a bitter laugh escaping his throat as he fell back
against the pillows again. "I'm the one that blew the shot because I'm too busy
thinking about my boyfriend."
Merton winced at the words, thankful Tommy wasn't looking at him so he wouldn't
see his reaction. So the team blamed Tommy, and Tommy blamed him. Maybe Tommy
was just looking for a way out of their relationship; maybe he'd decided it
wasn't worth the risk after all, and he was subconsciously working out a way to
end it for good. It was for the best, at least that was what Merton tried to
convince himself. The sooner they put the final nail in the coffin of their
relationship the easier it would be for Merton to leave and never look back,
and Tommy could pick up the pieces of his own life a lot easier without Merton
around.
"Oh man, I'm sorry," Tommy said, surprising Merton out of his own brooding as
Tommy sat up to look at him. "I'm not blaming you, I mean it's not your fault I
couldn't focus long enough to make a lousy two-point shot. I didn't mean that
the way it sounded."
The relief that flooded Merton's senses was almost painful, but he swallowed
against a sudden lump in his throat and tried to smile. "Don't worry about it.
I know what you meant."
"My dad's gonna flip when he hears," Tommy said, obviously distracted enough by
his own problems to be convinced that Merton wasn't hurt enough to worry about.
"He'll kill me."
"I thought he was more interested in your football career than basketball. Does
it really matter?"
"It's the State Finals," Tommy answered, as though that should explain
everything. "Pleasantville's gone to State every year since Dean was a
freshman. I just ended an eight-year streak."
"Oh." He still didn't get what the big deal was, but he was willing to take
Tommy's word that his father was going to react badly. The thought of Tommy
going home to face his father made his stomach twist, and he finally sat down
on the edge of the bed. "If you want to stay here tonight...I mean maybe if you
give him a little time to cool down."
Tommy shook his head, letting out a heavy sigh. "I have to face him sometime,"
he said. "It'll be better if I don't try to avoid him, he hates that." He swung
his legs over the edge of the bed and moved so they were shoulder to shoulder,
turning to glance at Merton's profile. "Thanks. For letting me just barge in
here like this. I know you don't care about this stuff."
"I care," Merton said, hoping Tommy would be able to hear the about you that he
left off the end of the sentence. He couldn't tell if he'd gotten his message
across, but Tommy smiled and leaned forward to press their lips together so
maybe he did know after all.
***** Chapter 32 *****
Merton had never really thought of himself as the type to enjoy torture, but
there was no other way to explain why he was sitting in the cafeteria enduring
the stares of most of the student body. He imagined they thought they were
being subtle, or maybe they thought the fact that he was gay meant he was a
moron. Or that he just didn't have any feelings. At least none worth
considering.
Then again it was possible they weren't thinking at all, which was more likely
considering they were so busy whispering loudly enough for him to hear that
they didn't really have time to think about what they were saying. So far he'd
managed to avoid direct confrontation with anyone, but it got a little harder
every day to ignore the way people looked at him. There was so much tension
that half the time he wanted to scream, and the rest of the time he wanted to
just walk out of the building and never look back. Maybe if he'd come out in a
more dramatic way it would have been easier, if he'd really stood up on the
table in the cafeteria and announced that he was gay the whispers and looks
would have been more blatant.
He almost wished somebody would say something, at least that way he could react
instead of pretending he didn't notice the way everyone was looking at him. If
it wasn't for Tommy he might have just made some dramatic, embarrassing general
announcement just to make everyone as uncomfortable as he was, but he'd already
caused Tommy enough problems. Standing up and announcing that the rumors were
true would make Tommy's life even more difficult, though, so he kept his mouth
shut and pretended he really was fascinated with his Chemistry book.
Every so often he'd steal a glance across the cafeteria, but Tommy hadn't
showed up to sit with his friends yet. He hadn't seen Lori for most of the
morning either, and he was starting to wonder if something was wrong. He hadn't
heard from Tommy since the night he got the basketball team disqualified from
the Finals, and the more time passed without catching a glimpse of him the more
worried Merton got. He'd already come up with a dozen different scenarios, each
one worse than the last. Every one of them started with Tommy's father drunk
and furious at his youngest son, and they all ended in some variation of Tommy
bloody and practically unrecognizable.
He'd pretty much settled on the one that ended in the emergency room when Tommy
finally appeared, moving slowly through the crowded cafeteria. Lori was walking
next to him, and as soon as she glanced in Merton's direction he looked back
down at his book. They were on the other side of the room so Merton couldn't
tell for sure, but it looked as though Tommy's father had spared his face this
time. Judging from the way the other boy was moving Merton was pretty sure he'd
taken out his frustration on other parts of Tommy, though, and his imagination
conjured up an alarming image of the bruises that Tommy was hiding under jeans
and a long-sleeved tee shirt.
He couldn't resist stealing another glance at Tommy as he took his usual seat,
wincing as he watched him gingerly lower himself onto the bench next to one of
his teammates. Most of them barely acknowledged the fact that Tommy had finally
made an appearance, and Merton could only assume they were still upset about
the basketball game. Before he knew Tommy he'd always assumed that
Pleasantville's Golden Boy would be immune to that kind of teenage fickleness;
if anything Tommy could do no wrong in the school's eyes, but then again if
Merton and Tommy had never gotten to know each other Tommy probably would have
won the game.
A heavy sigh escaped Merton's throat as he averted his eyes, glowering at his
Chemistry book. He knew if he got caught staring at Tommy it would just make
things worse, and even though he didn't care what happened to him he couldn't
do that to Tommy. The stiffness in the other boy's movements was partly his
fault, at least that was the way Merton saw it. So the least he could do was
pretend he wasn't mooning over the star quarterback for the last couple weeks
of school.
"You had to know this was coming."
Merton looked up sharply as Alistair sat down across from him, scowling at the
other boy's smirk. He could tell Alistair was waiting for him to ask what he
was talking about, or maybe even lash out at him for daring to speak to him. It
was tempting to ask why Alistair hated him so much, but he was pretty sure he
already knew the answer. Instead of responding he looked back down at his book,
hoping that if he just ignored him that eventually he'd get bored and go away.
Or not.
"I really thought you were smarter than that, Merton. I mean come on, the
quarterback? I'll give you points for style, but isn't it a little cliché?
Well, I guess you'd see the charm in a good cliché, considering the fashion
choices you make. Still, you had to know he'd run right back to his little
friends and forget you ever existed the second someone got too close to the
truth."
"Aren't you worried what people are going to say about you when they see you
talking to me?" Merton asked, raising his eyebrows in a silent challenge as he
finally gave up and looked at the other boy. "I mean that's why you've been
avoiding me for three years, isn't it?"
Alistair's expression faltered briefly, but before Merton had a chance to react
he caught himself and narrowed his eyes. "Sometimes people just outgrow each
other, Merton. Don't flatter yourself. Anyway, if you'd stuck with your own
kind you wouldn't be in this mess right now."
"My own kind?" A bitter laugh escaped Merton's throat as he stared back at the
other boy, forgetting to be uncomfortable long enough for his curiosity to get
the best of him. "That's dramatic even for you."
"All I'm saying is you should have known better. Of course he was going to drop
you the second word got around. Really you should be thanking me, I did you a
favor. It was going to happen eventually, so the sooner you knew the better."
Merton was suddenly aware of the fact that they were surrounded by a cafeteria
full of other students, and if anyone heard Alistair calming talking about
Tommy and Merton's relationship it would all be over. So far the rumors about
Tommy had centered on speculation about what everyone assumed was Merton's one-
sided crush, but if anyone overheard Alistair that would all change.
"You don't know what you're talking about, Merton hissed, glancing around
nervously to make sure no one was within earshot. "You don't know anything
about me, and you sure as hell don't know anything about him."
"Fine," Alistair said, his expression infuriatingly calm as he stood up and
leaned over the table. "I'm just saying you should watch your back. Not
everybody's as understanding as me."
Any lingering guilt Merton felt about outing Alistair dissipated as he watched
the other boy walk away. He was so smug about it, as though Merton was some
pathetic puppy and he'd taken pity on him long enough to warn him that he was
going to get hurt. The truth was that if Alistair had kept his mouth shut none
of this would be happening, but the worst part was that he was partly right.
Merton knew better than to think everything was just going to fade back to
normal once the initial buzz died down; he knew he was going to have to look
over his shoulder a lot more until graduation finally rolled around.
Then there was the Tommy situation, which Alistair didn't know everything about
but he'd hit a little too close to the mark for Merton's comfort. Sure, Tommy
claimed that he didn't want to break up, and he claimed to want to keep in
touch with Merton even after he left for school. He knew how quickly all of
that could change, though. Even though it had only been a few days since Tommy
showed up at his house he could tell things had changed, starting with the fact
that Tommy hadn't even looked at him since he walked into the cafeteria. Even
on Friday night when they'd been alone Tommy had been distracted, and even
though Merton knew it was because of the game it was hard not to take it
personally.
Having Alistair act like he was some naïve kid made him want to lash out, and
he wasn't sure how much more he could take before he finally lost it. He could
just imagine Alistair rationalizing their brief involvement by telling himself
he was just taking pity on Merton, helping out a friend that was confused and
needed a little shove in the right direction. It was exactly the kind of lie
Alistair would think up to convince himself that he wasn't gay, that it was
just an experiment and that part of his life was behind him now.
Merton's real problem was that he didn't want to put it behind him. He knew who
he was and what he wanted, and even though he still had some things to figure
out he wasn't ashamed. Tommy was closer to accepting who he was than Alistair
was, but he was still trying to convince himself that he could keep it to
himself. It was obvious that walking the line between being out and pretending
he was straight was wearing on him, but he wasn't ready to take that last step
and Merton was the one paying for it.
He ventured another glance across the cafeteria, frowning when he realized
Tommy was looking right at him. For a second he wondered if he'd been wrong
about Tommy being ready to face the truth, but as soon as he registered the
dark look in the other boy's eyes he realized what had made Tommy forget
himself long enough to stare. Maybe under other circumstances he would have
been flattered by the jealous look, but knowing that was the only reason Tommy
was risking looking in his direction just made his stomach turn. He stood up
abruptly, shoving books into his backpack with a little more force than
necessary before he turned and walked out of the cafeteria.
~
After his run-in with Alistair Merton wanted more than ever to just walk out of
school and never look back, but he knew he couldn't. For one thing there was no
way his parents were going to just let him drop out a few weeks before
graduation, and even if he left school it wouldn't solve anything. He wouldn't
have to see the stares and whispers, but he knew people would still be talking
about him. Only instead of whispering about whether or not he really had a
crush on the most popular guy in school they'd be talking about what a coward
he was for running away.
The fact that he really wanted to do just that made him feel even worse; he'd
never thought of himself as the type to run from his problems before, but he'd
never had a problem quite like this one. Trying to do the right thing and keep
Tommy out of it was harder than he'd even imagined, not that Tommy was helping.
He was sure Tommy didn't even think about what he was doing in the cafeteria,
he'd just reacted to seeing Merton talking to his ex-boyfriend. The fact that
practically everyone in school was in the room to witness it probably hadn't
even dawned on him.
Merton had alternated between brooding about Tommy and worrying that someone
might have seen his expression in the cafeteria through most of his afternoon
classes. Finally he'd gotten so restless that he stood up in the middle of
Chemistry and mumbled something about needing to use the restroom, then he'd
walked out of class without waiting for permission. He knew Mr. Clark wouldn't
hold it against him, and anyway the teachers had probably heard the gossip by
now. So he didn't worry about detention as he made his way down the hall, his
shoulders hunched forward and his gaze fixed on the linoleum under his feet.
He was so lost in thought that he almost didn't see Tommy, but he caught
movement out of the corner of his eye and looked up just in time to see the
other boy walking toward him. As soon as their eyes met Tommy tensed, and
Merton's heart fell as he watched Tommy hesitate. He was tempted to turn around
and head in the other direction, but before he made up his mind Tommy started
moving forward again.
"Hey," Tommy said as he stopped in front of Merton, his hands in his pockets as
he looked down the hall over Merton's shoulder.
"Hi."
Tommy flinched and looked back at the sound of Merton's voice, a sigh escaping
his throat when their eyes met again. "What was that before…when you were
talking to that guy?"
"You really want to talk about that here?" Merton asked, glancing down the
deserted hallway. The chances of someone coming out of one of the nearby
classrooms and finding them together were high, and as much as he hated to
remind Tommy of it Merton knew even saying hello was a risk.
"Guess not."
Merton's eyebrows shot up at Tommy's tone, but he told himself he was imagining
the accusation. Tommy was probably just nervous about somebody seeing them
together; it was pretty obvious he hadn't expected to run into Merton and he
probably didn't even want to stop long enough to say hi.
"Are you okay?" he asked, lowering his voice even more as he looked Tommy over
for any visible signs of new bruises. "You're moving kind of slow."
"I'm okay," Tommy said, the weariness in his voice telling Merton more than his
words did. It was pretty obvious Tommy wasn't anywhere near okay, but as much
as he wanted to he couldn't do anything about it. He probably couldn't even
touch him even if they were alone, not without causing him more pain.
He wasn't sure how things had gotten so awkward between them, but suddenly he
felt more tongue-tied than he had that first day Tommy showed up at his house.
The fact that they were standing in a hallway at school had a lot to do with
it, but judging by Tommy's body language he wondered if there was more to it
than that. Three days ago everything had been okay between them, but a lot
could happen in three days.
"Yeah, so I should get back to class."
Tommy nodded and glanced over his shoulder to make sure they were still alone
before turning back to Merton. "Look, Merton, I…" He reached out as he spoke
and for a second his fingers just brushed the edge of Merton's sleeve, but the
sound of footsteps interrupted the moment and he yanked his hand back as though
he'd been burned. The misery in his expression was clear as he backed away, but
knowing how guilty Tommy felt didn't make Merton feel any less like the floor
had just dropped out from under him.
He watched Tommy walk away for a few seconds before he turned and headed back
to his own classroom, his original reason for leaving class forgotten. He
barely glanced up as he passed the junior that had interrupted them, not quite
meeting the eyes of the girl he recognized but didn't know. From her sudden
interest in the wall next to her it was obvious she knew exactly who he was,
though, and he could only hope she hadn't seen him staring after Tommy.
~
He didn't know when he'd watched Tommy walk away that afternoon how much had
changed between them in one day. They'd barely spoken to each other and still
somehow everything between them was different after those few minutes in the
hall. Merton had a feeling it had a lot to do with the fact that everyone at
school was talking about the exchange as though he and Tommy had been caught
making out in the janitor's closet instead of exchanging a few awkward words.
It was fascinating in a morbid way that the whole school could get from a
junior spotting Tommy walking away from Merton to some kind of illicit
exchange, but Merton was too busy wondering how things had changed so quickly
to worry about what everyone at school thought.
It hurt at first to think that Tommy was really bothered by the fact that he'd
been talking to Alistair, but he hadn't defended himself when Tommy brought it
up because it wasn't the kind of thing they could talk about in school. Not
that there was much they could talk about in school, and after that day Tommy
couldn't even look at Merton without a new rumor starting. Suddenly reports
from a bunch of freshman girls about Tommy's visits to Merton's house were more
believable than they'd been a week ago, and no matter how much time Tommy and
Lori spent together it wasn't going away.
He'd always known that people wanted to believe the worst about any situation,
but he'd never known how quickly the entire student body could turn on the guy
they'd spent four years building up as some kind of idol. Tommy was the closest
thing Pleasantville had to a celebrity, but now that he was associated with
Merton nobody talked about anything else. Merton didn't expect Tommy to admit
to any of it, he knew Tommy wasn't ready for that.
The hard part wasn't so much that Tommy was denying the rumors, or even that he
was avoiding Merton at school. No, the worst part was that Tommy had said he
didn't want to break up, but Merton hadn't seen or talked to him since that
afternoon in the hallway. He couldn't exactly go over to Tommy's house and ask
him what was going on, and he couldn't bring himself to call Lori and find out
if she knew anything. He'd even stopped showing up for her tutoring sessions,
telling himself it was the end of the year anyway and the best thing he could
do was stay away from both of them. They'd both known it was going to end
eventually, but there was no way Merton could have known how much it would hurt
when it did. It was a thousand times worse than when Alistair decided he didn't
want to be friends anymore, and seeing Tommy at school was so painful that
sometimes he felt like he couldn't breathe.
More than once he'd thought about throwing caution to the wind and stopping
Tommy in the hallway, demanding to know what he thought he was doing. The
problem with that was that he already knew the answer; Tommy was saving
himself, keeping his distance so the rumors would die down and he could go back
to what passed for normal in his world. He was holding onto his football
scholarship and his father's approval the only way he knew how, and if that
meant cutting Merton out of his life he'd do it.
Merton hadn't shed a single tear over their relationship, not even when Lori
called and he made his mother lie and say he wasn't home. He wasn't surprised
she hadn't tried cornering him at school, although her sudden respect for
discretion came a little late as far as he was concerned. He didn't spend a lot
of time blaming her or even Alistair for the way things ended, though, because
there was really no other way it could have turned out.
Maybe it didn't have to be as dramatic as the increasingly more inventive
rumors he kept overhearing about his clandestine affair with the star of the
football team, but it still would have ended badly. Even if no one at school
had found out and he and Tommy had tried to keep in touch over the summer,
eventually one of them would have moved on and he had a feeling it wouldn't
have been him. So either way he'd have gotten his heart broken, but at least if
it had happened later Tommy wouldn't have to suffer along with him.
He hated himself just a little more for caring how Tommy was dealing with the
situation, but after a week of silence he still couldn't shake the guilt. It
wasn't like he'd set out to ruin Tommy's life, but that was what happened and
he felt at least partially responsible. He probably would have felt better if
Tommy had blamed him, if they'd had a dramatic screaming match that signaled a
sure end of their relationship. Instead they just stopped talking at all, and
Merton was left wondering if things were over or if Tommy was just being extra
cautious.
For awhile he even held onto the hope that Tommy would show up one night, maybe
knock on his window again and tell Merton how sorry he was that he hadn't been
able to get away sooner. After a week he gave up hoping, though, and when the
talk around school turned to graduation he resigned himself to the fact that
they weren't going to work it out after all. So that was it, a few awkward
sentences and Tommy Dawkins was out of his life. He told himself it was for the
best, and even if it didn't seem that way now he'd look back one day and
believe it.
***** Chapter 33 *****
There was something about high school assemblies that Merton had always found
unsettling. Maybe it was the thought of all those teenagers packed onto a few
rickety rows of bleachers, moving around and buzzing like the mob scene at the
end of Night of the Living Dead. There was just something about the way they
all got so excited by the sight of a few cheerleaders or the football team that
made Merton wonder. Of course he could understand getting excited about seeing
certain members of the football team, but he was pretty sure his reasons were a
lot different than the rest of the senior class.
The end of the year assembly wasn't really about cheerleaders and a bunch of
jocks shouting about school spirit, but Merton wasn't in the mood to listen to
any weepy, sentimental speeches about how much the seniors would be missed next
year. He knew he wasn't included in that, most of his classmates would only
remember him long enough to say 'I went to school with this one guy' whenever
the subject of homosexuality came up. He wasn't interested in being a footnote
in their high school careers, in fact he'd be a lot happier if they'd all
forget he ever existed and move on with their lives.
He followed the crowd of students drifting toward the gym, hanging back while
they disappeared through the double doors and left him to the relative peace of
the empty hallway. As soon as they were gone he leaned against the wall,
letting his eyes fall closed as he listened to the sounds of muted voices
floating out of the gym. No one would notice if he didn't go in and take a seat
on the already overcrowded bleachers; they wouldn't miss him if he just turned
around and walked out to the hearse. It was last period anyway, so if he left a
little early it wasn't going to matter to anyone. He wasn't part of the noisy,
cheerful crowd gathered in the gym, and he knew as well as they did that he
never would be.
The sound of shoes squeaking against linoleum reminded him that he was still
leaning against the wall outside the gym, and he forced his eyes open and
straightened up just in time to watch Tommy turn the corner. As soon as their
eyes met Tommy stopped short, Merton's own shock reflected in Tommy's face as
he pushed himself off the wall. He swallowed against the lump that rose in his
throat and squared his shoulders, intent on walking right past Tommy and out
the door to the safety of his car. As he got close enough to Tommy to reach out
and touch him he held his breath, part of him hoping Tommy would stop him and
the rest of him praying fervently that he'd just let Merton walk away.
He was almost in the clear, his heart pounding too hard in his chest as he
realized Tommy wasn't going to stop him, when he felt a hand close around his
arm. "Wait."
The single word made Merton's stomach lurch, and he stopped without turning to
look at the other boy. "Let go, Tommy."
"Just…wait a second," Tommy said, but he loosened his grip and let Merton pull
away to a safe distance. "Where are you going?"
Merton let out a harsh laugh, turning in time to watch Tommy flinch and look
down at the floor. "What does it matter? I don't belong in there, you do. We've
always known that."
He swallowed the surge of guilt that came along with purposely trying to hurt
Tommy, ignoring the fact that it hadn't felt nearly as good to see Tommy wince
as he thought it would. They both knew it was the truth anyway, even if Tommy
didn't want to face it. He still belonged in there with all the normal kids, at
least as long as he pretended he didn't know Merton. If he'd stopped to think
about it he would have let Merton walk by and forgotten that their paths had
even crossed.
"Look, Merton…" Tommy paused and glanced up, then his shoulders fell again as
though he wasn't sure anymore if it was worth the effort to say whatever he'd
been about to say. "I know it's been awhile, things just got really weird and
then…"
"Two weeks, Tommy," Merton interrupted, his voice rising with his desperation
not to hear Tommy make excuses that involved the words 'school' or 'my dad'.
"It's been two weeks."
"I know."
Merton looked up when Tommy's voice cracked, his heart skipping a beat at the
misery etched in the other boy's features. He looked like he hadn't been
sleeping much, and Merton guessed Tommy was as sick of all the attention as he
was. He wanted to hate Tommy, he wanted to blame him for everything and just
forget all the good things about him. More than anything he wanted to take him
home and hold him while he slept, though. He hated himself for that more than
he could ever hate Tommy.
"It doesn't matter," Merton said, as much to convince himself as Tommy. His
voice sounded harsher than he'd intended, but he was struggling to keep from
choking on his own words. "Just forget it. Go inside, they're probably waiting
for you."
"I can't just forget it," he said, taking a step closer to Merton. For a split
second Merton thought Tommy might actually touch him, but at the last minute he
seemed to change his mind.
"Do you even have a phone in your house?" Merton asked, a grim smile turning up
the corners of his mouth when Tommy frowned at him. "I mean I've always
wondered, because if you had a phone you could have just called and told me you
changed your mind, right? If it was too much trouble to come over and do it in
person…"
"We have a phone," Tommy interrupted, his jaw clenching as he looked away
again. Merton felt a flash of triumph at getting exactly the reaction he'd been
looking for, but a moment later it was gone and he was left with a sinking
feeling in the pit of his stomach. "You know what my dad's like."
"I know what you've told me."
For one terrifying moment Tommy's eyes narrowed, and Merton was sure he'd
pushed too hard. He knew how bitter he sounded and he didn't want Tommy's last
impression of him to be like this, but he couldn't stop himself from saying all
the things he'd been thinking over the past two weeks. He'd had too much time
to think, too much time to wonder if he'd ever meant anything to Tommy at all.
"So you don't believe me now, is that it?" Tommy's voice was even quieter than
it had been a moment ago, but the anger drained out of him almost instantly and
suddenly he looked even more tired and defeated than before. "You're right,
Merton. Why should you believe me?"
As soon as he said it he'd regretted it, and looking at Tommy now he wanted to
take it back. He wanted to tell him that he did believe him, that he loved him
and two weeks of silence couldn't change that. He'd been where Tommy was,
questioning everything and wondering if the world would come crashing down
around him when he finally said the words "I'm gay" out loud for the first
time. Two weeks with no idea of what Tommy was thinking had given him too much
time to feel like a victim, though, and he wasn't willing to sacrifice any more
of his pride than he already had.
"It doesn't matter anymore," he finally answered, startling himself with the
conviction in his own voice. "School's over in a week, we both knew this was
coming."
"So that's it?"
Merton would have laughed at the mixture of hurt and disbelief in Tommy's eyes
if he wasn't too busy trying not to cry. The fact that Tommy thought they could
salvage anything now was just another sign that they were worlds apart. "What
else do you want me to say, Tommy? Do you want to hear that I didn't want it to
be this way? Because I don't remember having a choice in any of this. You're
the one that said you didn't want to walk away when all this started, but as
soon as it got too hard that was it. That's what happened, isn't it?"
"I just…" Tommy let out a deep breath and ran his hands through his hair,
Merton's heart skipping a beat as he watched the progress of the other boy's
fingers and remembered how they felt on his skin. He'd never expected Tommy to
look so worn down, like the weight of all his problems was finally too much for
him. "I didn't expect it to be so hard. The things people are saying…the way
the guys look at me…"
"The things people are saying are true," Merton said, his voice so soft he
wasn't even sure Tommy heard him. Maybe the kids at school hadn't gotten any of
the details right, but they were close enough that it didn't matter. The main
point was that he and Tommy were supposed to be together, and as soon as the
truth got out Tommy was ashamed of them. It felt way too much like what he went
through freshman year, when his friends suddenly wouldn't look at him anymore
and he used his new Goth image to push them away even more so he wouldn't have
to deal with the real reason for the rejection.
"I know, I just don't think I can deal with it right now. Not with graduation
and college and my dad breathing down my neck about my scholarship. I thought I
could, but…"
As soon as the words escaped Tommy's lips Merton starting backing away,
swallowing hard against a sudden tightness in his throat. He wasn't going to
stand there and listen to Tommy make more excuses, even if part of him felt
like a jerk for not being more understanding. He'd been understanding for six
months, though, and where had it gotten him? Tommy was asking way too much of
him, especially after two weeks without even a word. Too much had happened and
too much time had passed, and the only thing Merton really wanted to do was
leave Pleasantville behind him and forget any of this ever happened. He knew
there were things he'd never be able to forget, but that didn't mean he
couldn't try.
He might have made a clean break; Tommy might have let him walk away without
another word, but he collided with something solid and warm and before he knew
it his arms were being squeezed painfully.
"Well if it isn't the little fag and his boyfriend," Travis sneered, squeezing
Merton's arms again for emphasis.
"Let him go, Travis," Tommy said, his eyes widening just enough to let Merton
know that he was actually a little afraid of what they might do. Not that
Merton wasn't already nervous, but seeing Tommy afraid of something didn't make
him feel any better.
"Oh, sorry, Dawkins. You want us to give you two a little privacy?" Tim asked,
stepping between Tommy and Merton and crossing thick arms over his chest. "I
knew there was something weird about you. I always said Dawkins was a weird
guy, didn't I, Travis?"
"Weird," Travis echoed, and Merton didn't bother to check the urge to roll his
eyes.
Tommy shook his head but didn't back away from Tim, his fingers curling and
uncurling at his sides. "Just leave him alone, guys. Go inside, everybody's
waiting for us."
"Nobody's waiting for you," Tim said, taking another step forward. It was hard
for Merton to see Tommy's face around Tim's back, but they were almost nose to
nose and he knew they weren't getting out of this without a fight. "You think
anybody wants you around now, Dawkins? You and your freak boyfriend should have
cleared out while you had the chance."
"I said back off," Tommy hissed, his hands flat against Tim's chest as he
shoved him backwards.
"Whoa, Travis, I think Dawkins here is trying to cop a feel right in front of
his boyfriend," Tim said, glancing over his shoulder to grin at his brother.
"What's the little freak gonna say, Tommy-boy? Unless you two are into that.
That it? You looking for somebody to show you how to be a real man?"
Fear shot through Merton, setting his nerves on edge and making him struggle
uselessly in Travis' grip. Being pounded to within an inch of his life he could
deal with, he'd been there before and one more beating before he left high
school behind him was preferable to some of the other things Tim and Travis
could do to them. He'd expected his luck to run out eventually, but the thought
of either of them touching him…touching Tommy…his stomach turned and he
swallowed the bile that rose in his throat.
Tim was a lot bigger than Tommy, but Tommy had the advantage of speed and he
easily avoided the larger boy's attempt to grab him. Before Tim caught his
balance and reached for him again Tommy's fist connected with his jaw, and
Travis let go of Merton and lurched toward Tommy.
"Merton, get out of here," Tommy said, sparing a cursory glance at Merton as he
stepped back out of Travis' reach. "Go."
He might not have been any use to Tommy in a fight, but Merton wasn't cowardly
enough to save his own skin and leave Tommy at the mercy of Tim and Travis.
There was no way he could take on both of them by himself, and the thought of
what they might do to him if he made them mad enough made Merton's stomach turn
again. He glanced toward the gym, the muted noise of the crowd penetrating his
consciousness for the first time since he spotted Tommy walking toward him.
His brain screamed at him to go find a teacher, someone that could put a stop
to the scene in front of him. He was vaguely aware of his feet moving in the
direction of the gym, then a jostling stopped him in his tracks as someone
rushed past him.
"What the fuck?" Two more members of the football team ran past Merton as Chad
stepped in between Tim and Tommy, his hands on Tim's arms to try to hold him
back. "Tim, calm the fuck down. What the hell are you doing?"
"Get the fuck off me," Tim snarled, his gaze still locked on Tommy as he
struggled against Chad.
Tommy's chest was rising and falling heavily, and Merton realized that one of
the twins had gotten at least one shot in as he watched Tommy reach up to rub
his jaw. One of the other guys was holding onto Travis, all three of them
alternating between staring at Tommy and casting nervous glances in Merton's
direction. "What the fuck is going on? We're supposed to be at the assembly,
Coach is about to give his speech."
"Nothing's going on," Tommy said, squaring his shoulders as he stared back at
Tim. "Just a little misunderstanding."
"Fuck you, Dawkins," Tim shot back, struggling against Chad's grip in a vain
effort to get to Tommy again. "You and your freaky little friend, it's fucking
sick."
All eyes turned to look at Merton except Tommy's, and Merton's brain finally
kicked in long enough to realize that they could all turn on him any time.
Protecting Tommy was one thing, he was still more or less one of them. Chad and
the others didn't care about Merton, though, and they might just decide letting
Tim and Travis kill him was a decent compromise. He thought about making a
break for it, but his legs felt rooted in place.
"Dawkins, what's he doing here?" Chad asked, turning his attention to Tommy. It
almost felt like watching a movie instead of his life, like Merton wasn't
really standing there listening to them talk about him like he wasn't even
human. He wanted to move, he wanted to run far and fast and never look back
until he was far enough away that none of them would ever find him. He
couldn't, though; all he could do was stand there and wait for Tommy's answer.
It felt like time ground to a halt while they all waited for Tommy to say
something, but it was only a few seconds before Tommy squared his shoulders and
set his jaw in a grim, determined line. "How the fuck should I know? He was
just standing there."
He didn't look at Merton as he turned away from his friends and headed for the
gym, his body tensing almost imperceptibly as he brushed past Merton and
disappeared. Merton was still frozen in place, his heart thudding in his chest
as the other guys shoved Tim and Travis past him. A few seconds later he was
standing in an empty hallway again, the dull ache in his arms from where Travis
had squeezed too hard the only proof he had that any of it had happened.
***** Chapter 34 *****
"Do we have any boxes?" Merton kept his expression as neutral as possible when
his parents looked up in unison, twin expressions of surprise on their faces.
"I think there are some in the garage. What do you need boxes for?"
"I'm leaving for Johns Hopkins in less than a week, I figured I better start
packing the stuff I need you guys to send when I get to Amherst," Merton
answered, avoiding both their gazes as he reached into the fridge for a soda.
Neither of them had said a word to him about Tommy in days, and he was thankful
that they'd figured out he didn't want to talk about it. After he came home
from his confrontation with Tommy and locked himself in his room for twenty-
four hours they'd forced part of the truth out of him, and after hearing about
the threats and Tim and Travis' continued aggression they'd agreed that he
didn't need to go back to school for his final week of classes.
He assumed the principal and his teachers had agreed to let him take his finals
early just to get him out of the school that much sooner, hoping that once he
was gone things would settle down and they could have a normal end to the
school year. So he'd handed in the term papers he'd had done for almost a month
and taken his finals on a Monday in the principal's office, then he'd waited
while his father cleaned out his locker and left Pleasantville High behind
without talking to any of his classmates.
"Shouldn't you be focusing on graduation right now, son?" his father asked,
setting down the Sports section to focus his attention on Merton. "There's
plenty of time for packing after that."
"I'm not going to graduation," Merton answered, his head still buried in the
fridge as he stared blankly at the shelves full of food. "They can send me my
diploma."
His parents exchanged a glance that he felt more than saw, but he ignored it
and finally reached for an apple he didn't want. It gave him something to do
with his hands, though, and he'd heard them whispering the night before about
how he wasn't eating enough. The truth was he didn't feel like eating or
sleeping or doing much of anything, but if it made them feel a little better
he'd take the apple to his room and pretend he'd eaten it.
"I thought you'd decided against Johns Hopkins," his mother said, her fingers
curling and uncurling on the wooden surface of the kitchen table. He could tell
she was dying to get up out of her chair and lay a hand on his forehead, but
even if she gave in to the temptation she wouldn't find anything wrong with
him. He wasn't sick, he wasn't anything really. He wouldn't let himself think
about Tommy or feel anything other than an almost frantic urgency to get as far
away from home as possible.
"Changed my mind," he answered, picking up his Coke and the apple and inching
toward the door to the kitchen. "It's a great opportunity, no sense throwing it
away. Besides, there's nothing to hang around here for."
He winced as soon as the words escaped his mouth, partly because he didn't want
to hurt his parents and partly because he didn't want to give them an opening
to bring up Tommy. If his parents caught the hint of bitterness behind his
words they let it go, however, both of them nodding and turning back to their
paper. "Glad to hear it, son. I'll see if I can find you those boxes as soon as
I'm done with my coffee."
"Thanks," he mumbled, pushing the door open and making his escape before either
of them had a chance to think of any more questions. Once he was back in the
relative privacy of his own room he sighed and closed the door, leaning against
it as he surveyed the mess that used to be his bedroom. There were piles of
clothes on every available surface, books scattered over the bed and the floor,
and his desk was beyond help. The truth was he had no idea how to even start
packing what he'd need in three months, but the manic attempts at organization
had kept his mind from wandering to the past six months.
Every time the thought of Tommy crept up on him it was accompanied by an
aching, hollow feeling in his chest, and he was sure he was going to have a
heart attack before he ever made it to Johns Hopkins. So he thought about
everything but Tommy and the last few months of his life, and when he ran out
of safe subjects he resorted to reciting poetry or the periodic table or
whatever he could think of just to keep his mind blank. His current project was
cataloguing his books by subject and title, after which he'd decide which ones
he had to bring to school and which titles he could live without.
He'd managed to keep his mind off anything related to Tommy or Pleasantville
High for a full ten minutes when he heard the doorbell ring, his heart lurching
at the sound. He squeezed his eyes shut tight against the vain hope that had
accompanied that sound for way too long, listening against his better judgement
as one of his parents walked down the hall and pulled the door open. He could
hear muffled voices but he told himself it didn't matter that he couldn't tell
who it was. It wasn't Tommy, that much was a given and there was no one else
that would show up to talk to him.
Not that he wanted to see Tommy, because he didn't. They'd said what they
needed to say in the hallway that day at school, and he was getting on with his
life now. A knock sounded on his door as he reminded himself of all the reasons
he didn't want to see Tommy, and he swallowed another surge of hope as the door
swung open.
"Company for you, Merton," his father said, glancing around the room as he
stuck his head in the door. He raised his eyebrows at the piles of clothes and
books littering the bed and the floor, clearing his throat before he looked at
Merton again. "I'll go get you those boxes."
"Thanks," Merton answered distractedly, looking past his father at his
unexpected guest. He waited until his father smiled and stood aside to let Lori
into his room, steeling himself against the rush of nerves that shot through
him when their eyes met.
"What are you doing here?" he asked when she'd shut the door behind her.
She ignored him while she looked around the room, raising her eyebrows at the
mess the same way his father had. "This place is a wreck, Merton."
"Yeah, well, I'm packing," he said, turning his back to her and reaching for a
stack of books. "What do you want?"
"For starters I'd like to know why you blew me off and didn't return any of my
phone calls."
He winced at the accusation in her voice and turned slowly, not quite meeting
her gaze. "It seemed like a good idea to put some distance between me and…well,
both of you. After what happened."
"You always did worry way too much what those idiots at school think. Both of
you," she said as she picked her way across the room and shoved a pile of
clothes over so she could sit on the edge of the bed.
Merton's features twisted into a dark scowl as he watched her progress across
the room, forgetting his organization project long enough to turn and look at
her. "You think I care what they think of me?"
"Yeah, I do," she answered quietly, crossing her arms over her chest as she
held his gaze. "Come on, Merton, you tiptoe around school like you're afraid
somebody might notice you. You practically apologize for breathing whenever
somebody looks at you wrong, and ever since you and Tommy got together you've
been terrified somebody might catch on."
"That was because of him. He was the one that wanted to keep it a secret. He's
the one that told his friends that I was nobody."
She winced sympathetically, letting him know that Tommy had filled her in on
the scene in the hallway. The last thing he wanted was her sympathy or anybody
else's, but he wasn't going to sit there and let her call him a coward. Maybe
he hadn't been completely up front with everybody at school, but it was none of
their business. Besides, none of them wanted to be reminded that he was alive,
there was nothing he could do about that.
"I know he screwed up," she said. "He knows it too, believe me. He's a wreck,
Merton. I've never seen him like this, he's a mess and I'm not sure what's
gonna happen to him after school ends."
"He'll go back to his life and forget all about me," Merton answered,
struggling to keep his voice neutral. "I'm sure it won't take him long."
"You're wrong," she said, the sadness in her voice surprising him into looking
up again. "What's he got to go back to? You're leaving, I'm leaving…he's got
football and his psycho father. Not much of a life."
"You're leaving? Where are you going?"
"I got accepted to Wellesley a few months ago," she said, a mirthless grin
turning up the corners of her mouth. "We'll practically be neighbors."
Merton shook his head as he tried to wrap his mind around the fact that Lori
was planning to attend a college just a few miles away from his. "Why didn't
you tell me when you got accepted?"
"Because I was still hoping you'd blow off Amherst and stay here. What can I
say, I'm a romantic. I thought you'd fall in love with Tommy and enroll at
State so you could be together."
The thought had crossed his mind more than once in the past six months, but he
wasn't about to admit that to her. Even if he had turned down his acceptance to
Amherst it wouldn't have worked between him and Tommy; there was too much
stacked against them from the beginning. "Tommy's not interested in that kind
of commitment."
"You really don't know him at all, do you?" She let out a soft laugh and shook
her head at his dark expression. "Come on, you two spent six months together,
didn't you ever talk?"
"We talked," he shot back defensively. The truth was they hadn't talked a lot,
and when they did the subject of the future didn't come up much. He wasn't
about to admit that to her, though, especially not now that it didn't matter
anymore. "What does it matter? It's over."
"So that's it? He makes one mistake – okay, it was a huge mistake, but still,
he screws up once and you're just gonna walk away?"
Merton sighed and looked down at the books he'd spread out on the floor,
suddenly wondering why he'd been bothering to organize them. He didn't want any
of this stuff at school to remind him of his life in Pleasantville, but he
couldn't just go empty-handed, could he? "I didn't walk away," he finally said.
"He walked away. He said he couldn't handle it, and then he walked away. So
yeah, that's it."
For a long time neither of them said anything, and Merton wondered how she'd
take it if he just asked her to leave. It wasn't that he didn't like her, but
the only reason she'd come over was to talk about Tommy and he wasn't
interested in hearing about how bad Tommy felt. Before he worked up the nerve
to tell her he needed to get back to packing she stood up, letting out a heavy
sigh as she looked down at him. "Just think about what I said, okay? I know
Tommy messed up but he's really sorry."
"Sure. I'll think about it," Merton said, standing up to pull open the door and
lead her out of his room. "Thanks for coming over, I'm sorry about tutoring and
everything."
"Don't worry about it." She turned when they reached the front door and smiled
sadly. "When are you leaving?"
"Next week," he answered, hoping that was vague enough that she wouldn't
orchestrate some sort of last-minute intervention between him and Tommy.
"So I'll see you at graduation," she said, pulling the door open and stepping
outside without waiting for an answer. He mumbled something like 'see you
around' and closed the door, letting out a deep breath and telling himself he
hadn't lied to her. She'd just assumed he was going to graduation, he hadn't
said he'd see her there. He pushed himself off the door and headed back to his
room, his heart falling at the sight of the mess he'd made. After Lori's visit
he was pretty sure not even a full inventory of his entire room would be enough
to keep his mind off Tommy.
He reclaimed his seat on the floor anyway, picking up the books he'd been
sorting and half-heartedly glancing at the titles. There was no choice but to
finish what he'd started, if for no other reason than because he couldn't leave
his room looking like a war zone. Packing for the summer should have been easy,
but he didn't want to have to come home after Johns Hopkins and that meant
packing for college before he left for the summer. He was halfway through the
stack of books when he heard the door to the bathroom open, and he looked up to
find his sister chewing on her lip and looking everywhere but at him.
"Are you lost?" Merton snapped, although he couldn't quite work up the sarcasm
he usually reserved for her.
"Is it true?" she asked, casting a furtive glance in his direction before she
turned her attention back to the floor.
"Is what true?"
"What they're saying about you at school…you know." She pushed herself off the
door frame and crossed her arms over her chest, hugging herself as she finally
turned to face him. "I heard you, you know. That day he came over, when you
tried to break up with him."
Her face was the brightest shade of red he'd ever seen, and he would have said
something sarcastic about her complexion if he wasn't too busy blushing at the
fact that she'd overheard them. "Sorry about that. I guess I forgot you were
home."
She shook her head and looked away, clearing her throat and twisting a strand
of hair around her finger in a nervous gesture he hadn't seen her perform since
she was in grade school. "It's okay," she finally said, her voice barely a
whisper. "I mean I guess I should have figured it out. Look, I just wanted to
say sorry. About telling my friends…you know. That Tommy was coming over."
"It's okay, Becky. It doesn't matter." It didn't, really; the truth would have
come out anyway, whether Becky's friends had seen Tommy at their house or not.
Still, it meant a lot to him that she was actually apologizing, even if she
couldn't quite look at him. "Look, I'm sorry too."
"For what?" she asked, curiosity finally forcing her to meet his gaze.
"Because I get to leave and you're still stuck here," he said, standing up and
crossing his arms over his chest. "It's not going to just go away when I leave,
people are still going to talk about it. You should just keep hating me, it'll
be better for you that way. Maybe they'll feel sorry for you, being stuck with
me for a brother."
A short, choked sound that he thought might be a laugh escaped her throat, then
she blushed again and looked away. "I don't care what anybody says. Okay, maybe
I did," she added when she glanced at him and saw his expression, "but I don't
now. I mean the stuff they've been saying…"
"A lot of that's not true," he interrupted, his cheeks burning at the thought
of some of the rumors his little sister must have heard.
"No offense, but I don't want to know."
He laughed at her flustered expression, laughing even harder when she rolled
her eyes at him. "Okay, I can take a hint." His smile faded and he let out a
soft sigh, reaching up to rub the back of his neck with one hand. "Thanks,
Becky. For…you know."
"Yeah." She cleared her throat again and glanced over his shoulder, an
embarrassed grin turning up the corners of her mouth as she focused on the open
bedroom door. "Hi, Dad."
Merton followed her gaze to find their father leaning against the doorframe, a
bemused expression lighting up his features. "Sorry to interrupt, but your mom
and I were thinking if you two haven't got better offers for tonight we could
order pizza and rent some movies. Have a family night, we haven't done that in
ages."
An hour ago the idea of spending the entire evening bonding with his family
would have made Merton wish for a natural disaster to hit their house, but
somehow after talking to his sister it didn't seem so painful. He turned and
raised an eyebrow at Becky, expecting her to announce that she had plans with
one of her legions of friends. To his surprise she smiled at their father and
announced that she didn't have anything better to do.
"Sure, Dad," Merton added. "I'm just packing anyway."
"Great, it's a date," their father said, practically beaming at the two of them
for a long moment before he pushed himself off the doorframe. "Merton, I've got
some boxes out in the garage, come take a look and tell me which ones you
want."
He started to follow his father out of his room, but as soon as he remembered
Becky he turned and glanced over his shoulder. She was already disappearing
back into her own room, though, so he stifled a sigh and caught up with his
father. Becky actually coming to him and more or less telling him she was okay
with the fact that he was gay was more than he'd hoped for, so maybe they'd
already said all they needed to say.
***** Chapter 35 *****
Merton froze with his hand on the doorknob, letting out a low groan in the
silence of his dorm room as he listened to the phone ring. At this rate he was
never going to make it downstairs before dinner ended, but at least he was
mostly packed. The last thing he needed to do was stay up all night tossing
things into a bag at the last minute.
When the phone rang again he let go of the doorknob and crossed back to his
desk, picking up the receiver and throwing himself down on his bed. "Hello?"
"What time did we say tomorrow? 1:00 or 1:30?"
He rolled his eyes and grinned indulgently, shaking his head as he pushed
himself off the mattress and reached for his plane ticket. "The flight's at 2:
30, Lori. So shoot for 1:00 and you might make it before we take off."
"Funny," she snapped, although he'd known her long enough by now to tell that
she wasn't really mad. He'd seen her mad before – the first time he saw her
after he blew off graduation and left town without saying goodbye, for instance
– and he knew the signs. It had taken her a long time to get over that, in fact
she wouldn't acknowledge his presence in the state of Massachusetts for their
first month of college. Eventually she relented, though, showing up at his door
one day and claiming that the all-girls atmosphere of Wellesley was starting to
make her stir crazy. He'd made some joke about her seeking out the only gay guy
she knew in Massachusetts as a substitute for a school full of girls, and after
that it was almost like nothing had ever happened.
The only time there was any tension between them was when she mentioned Tommy.
He knew somewhere deep down Lori thought he was a coward for leaving the way he
did, and he could live with that. As long as she didn't try to share the news
of Tommy's life back in Pleasantville they got along okay, and he wanted to
keep it that way. He definitely didn't want to make any waves before they spent
several hours trapped in a plane together on the way home for Christmas break,
especially not after Lori had gone to all the trouble of booking a seat on the
same flight as him.
"So, you still dying to get home and drown yourself in all that holiday cheer?"
she asked. He heard a muted choking sound and pictured her trying not to laugh,
her signature smirk lighting up her eyes.
"Just be thankful your parents aren't dragging you off to Sweden this year," he
shot back, immediately closing his eyes against the memory of Christmas break a
year ago.
"Switzerland."
"Whatever." He stifled a sigh and opened his eyes again, glancing at the clock
to make sure he still had time to make it to the cafeteria before it closed for
the night. "All I plan to do with my vacation is sleep and eat decent food. My
family's pretty low-key around the holidays anyway."
"Hmm."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing," she said a little too quickly. "Listen, Merton, I've gotta go,
there's this thing tonight. So I'll meet you at the gate tomorrow at 1:00."
"Right. See you tomorrow," Merton answered, standing up and setting the
receiver back in its cradle. He frowned at the phone for a second, wondering if
he was imagining things or if Lori had really sounded like she knew something
she wasn't telling him. He got that feeling a lot whenever he was around her,
but he almost always assumed it had something to do with news about Tommy that
she was trying to keep to herself.
He'd never admit it to her or his parents, but part of him wished they'd all
ignore his rule about never mentioning Tommy's name. Call it morbid curiosity,
but sometimes he really wanted to know how Tommy's life was going. If he was
the star of the football team and on the fast track to whatever career his
father had hand-picked for him Merton would feel vindicated in walking away
when he did, and if Tommy's life was a mess then Merton wouldn't feel quite so
pathetic about the fact that he hadn't been able to stop thinking about Tommy
in six months.
It was hard to believe that it had been a whole year since their first kiss;
six months that had been the most frustrating and exciting of his life,
followed by six months of Merton going through the motions of his life without
really feeling anything. It wasn't that he didn't enjoy school, he liked his
classes and he liked his new friends. Life for him at Amherst was a lot
different than life for him in Pleasantville; at college people accepted him
for who he was, and they didn't care what he wore or who he went out with.
There were no rules saying he couldn't date somebody from the football team if
he wanted, not that any of them had expressed an interest but the point was
that he could and he wouldn't have to hide it.
That kind of freedom felt good, a little scary sometimes too but most of the
time he just enjoyed it. While he was at Johns Hopkins he wouldn't even let
himself think about Tommy, because every time he did he was sure his heart was
going to explode. He'd be riding the metro through downtown D.C. or walking
across campus with the other kids in his group and a memory would blindside
him, and he'd have to stop and squeeze his eyes shut while he waited to either
die or catch his breath. Finally he just told everyone in his research group
that he had asthma, an excuse they could buy easily and it explained away the
sudden bouts of breathlessness.
By the time he got to Amherst the memories had dulled a little, and he didn't
have to stop and force the thoughts of Tommy out of his consciousness. In fact
when he first realized how easy it was to be himself at college he found
himself hoping that it was easy for Tommy too, even though he was pretty sure
it wasn't. If Tommy had come out life would be even harder for him, because he
was still surrounded by a lot of the kids from their high school and his father
would never understand. The chance that Tommy wasn't still living a lie was so
slim that he wouldn't even let himself think about it, though. If anything
Tommy was probably dating the head cheerleader just to convince the kids from
high school that those strange rumors about him were never true.
He let out a sigh as he finally reached the cafeteria, taking a tray off the
stack and surveying the choice of entrees as he tried to push thoughts of Tommy
out of his mind. It didn't hurt to breathe anymore when he found himself
thinking about his senior year, but it bothered him that he hadn't been able to
stop thinking about Tommy after all this time. Not that he hadn't tried; he'd
dated, and he was usually so busy with school and his life that he barely had
time to get together with Lori once a month. Still, no matter how busy he kept
himself the memories were always there, nagging at him and making him wonder if
Tommy ever thought about them at all.
Once his tray was piled with food he suddenly didn't want anymore he headed
toward the rows of wooden tables, catching sight of a group of his friends and
managing a weak grin as they waved him over.
"Hey, Merton. We were just speculating as to whether or not you were actually
going to show for a last meal."
"And miss my last chance at this food for three weeks?" Merton said, his grin
fading when he looked down at the unappetizing pasta concoction on his tray.
"On second thought maybe I should have just gone to sleep."
"It tastes better than it looks, I swear."
He made a show of pushing the food around his plate with his fork for awhile,
only half-listening to the animated conversation at the table. Mostly they were
talking about their plans for the three-week break from classes, and he didn't
have much to contribute to that topic. The fact was that he'd been more or less
dreading going home for over a month now, and he didn't have any intention of
telling his friends why. If he launched into some weepy, sentimental story
about his troubled high school years and his break-up with Tommy they'd either
laugh at him or change the subject, so he figured it wasn't worth bringing up.
The truth was that he didn't really want to go back to Pleasantville at all; he
knew there was no real chance that he'd run into Tommy, but that was part of
the problem. He wanted to see Tommy again, to see for himself what he hadn't
let Lori tell him all this time. His parents had made the mistake of mentioning
Tommy once during one of their weekly calls, but Merton had reacted so badly
that they'd never brought it up again. So he had no idea if they ever saw Tommy
on campus, and even though he knew nothing about Tommy's life now he couldn't
stop wondering. It was starting to make him a little crazy, but he wasn't sure
if finding out the truth would make it better or worse.
"Earth to Merton."
He glanced up at the sound of his name, flushing when he realized all his
friends were staring at him. "Sorry, what?"
"I asked you when you're leaving for home. Wow, finals must have melted your
brain or something. You're totally zoned."
"Yeah, I guess so," Merton muttered, picking up his soda and draining half the
contents of the glass before he looked up again. "Tomorrow. My flight's at 2:
30."
"Man, I wish I was done already," one of his friends lamented, and the
conversation shifted away from him again. He was thankful they hadn't asked him
anything else, because he wasn't sure he'd be able to fake happiness at the
thought of heading home for three long weeks. So far he'd been able to chalk
his distraction up to worrying about finals, but now that he was done for the
semester he didn't have any more excuses. The truth was that he was really
worried that the next three weeks would be just as boring as he'd been
predicting they'd be. There would be no Tommy, not even a mention of his name
if the past six months were any indication. He'd spend three weeks in the same
town as Tommy Dawkins and he'd go back to school even more distracted, and he
wouldn't even get to torture himself by seeing how good Tommy looked and how
well he'd adjusted to life without Merton in it.
~
Merton shifted in the uncomfortable airport seat, checking his watch for the
third time in as many minutes before he turned his attention back to the crowds
of people rushing from one gate to another. He'd been kidding when he suggested
that Lori might miss their flight, but the closer it got to 2:00 the more he
wondered if he'd been right after all. The thought of all that time alone on a
plane with no one to distract him was depressing, and even though he knew
staring down the concourse wasn't going to make her appear he couldn't make
himself focus on anything else.
When she finally did arrive at ten minutes past 2:00 they were already
boarding, and she cut in line ahead of him and flashed a breathless grin. "Told
you I'd make it."
"Way to make an entrance," Merton said, glancing nervously over his shoulder to
make sure no one was going to complain about her insinuating herself into the
middle of the line. "Let me guess, you were so excited about going back to
Pleasantville that you totally forgot about the actual trip back there."
"I don't remember you being this sarcastic in high school," she said, glancing
up at him long enough to frown before she went back to digging through her
carry-on for her ticket.
"If you really wanna know, I overslept."
"Lori, it's 2:00 in the afternoon."
"Yeah, well, I didn't go to bed until 7:30 this morning. Geez, Merton, don't
you ever have any fun over at that school of yours?"
"Obviously not as much as you," he answered, shaking his head to chase away the
images of what she might have been doing until 7:30 in the morning.
"That much is pretty much a given. I've met your friends," she said as they
reached the front of the line and handed their boarding passes to the airline
employee.
He stifled the urge to say something defensive about his friends because he
knew it wouldn't do him any good. He wasn't sure if she really didn't like them
or if she just didn't like the fact that they weren't Tommy, but either way he
knew they'd never agree on the subject. She'd never said anything about her
secret hope that he'd stay home and go to State with Tommy after that day in
his bedroom, but he'd never forgotten that conversation. He'd never forgotten
the look on her face when she told him she was worried about leaving Tommy
alone, and although he was pretty sure she'd break his rule about not
mentioning Tommy if he was really having a hard time Merton couldn't help
wondering.
It bothered him that part of him hoped Tommy was miserable, but he tried to
tell himself it was a natural reaction to having his heart broken. He didn't
really mean it anyway, at least not the way it would sound if he said it out
loud. It wasn't so much that he wanted Tommy to suffer, he just wanted Tommy to
think about them and regret letting Merton go. He'd never told Lori or anybody
else, but if Tommy had asked him to he would have stayed home and gone to
State. He would have given up Johns Hopkins and Amherst and maybe he would have
regretted it someday, but if Tommy asked him to he wouldn't even have thought
about it before he said yes.
He sighed as he sank into the seat next to Lori's, wishing they didn't have to
change planes in Minneapolis. The whole trip was nerve-wracking enough without
a layover in some anonymous city, and he knew the longer they spent traveling
the more depressed he'd be when they finally got home. He was glad he didn't
have to make the trip alone, but his mind was already wandering to what could
have been and being around Tommy's best friend wasn't going to help keep his
mind off the past.
"You're not moping the whole way home."
"I'm not moping," he said without looking at her.
"Give me a break, Merton."
He rolled his eyes and shifted in the uncomfortable seat, trying to find a
position for his legs that wasn't going to cut off his circulation. "I was just
thinking about break, that's all. It's not like I'm exactly excited about going
back to Pleasantville."
"Right, and I'm doing cartwheels." She let out an exasperated sigh and shoved
her backpack under the seat in front of her before turning as much as she could
in her seat. "Look, nobody that gets out of Pleasantville actually wants to go
back there. But it's just three weeks, and I'm sure your family misses you."
"I doubt it, they brought in a replacement practically the day I moved out."
"What are you talking about?"
"My parents. Every once in awhile one of them finds some stray on campus, some
student that needs a place to stay because their dorm deposit bounced or
they're having a hard time adjusting to living away from home or whatever. My
mother's the worst, she's always adopting a new project. They stopped letting
people move in when Becky got old enough to realize that college boys were
cute, but for some reason they've got somebody new this semester. He must be a
total geek if they're not worried about my boy-crazy sister trying to jump
him."
"How come they never worried about you trying to jump any of these guys?"
He laughed at her mischievous expression, his sense of doom fading a little as
he thought about the kids his mother had drug home when he was in high school.
"The subject never came up. But they didn't have anything to worry about."
"Hmm."
"You keep saying that," he said, shifting a little in the cramped seat as he
tried to get a better look at her.
"Do I? I didn't notice."
"Yeah, you said it on the phone yesterday too. What does that mean?"
"It's just an expression, Merton." She rolled her eyes and turned to look out
the window as the plane finally began taxiing down the runway. "You know, when
you're not really interested in whatever the person's saying but you don't want
them to think they're boring? 'Hmm', as in, 'Hmm, I'd say something else but
I'm not really listening'. That kind of thing."
Thanks for clearing that up," he muttered, crossing his arms over his chest and
turning to watch the flight attendant go through her pantomime of the emergency
procedures. Lori laughed but he didn't turn to look at her again, suddenly
wishing she'd really missed the flight after all.
"Geez, Merton, I was just kidding," she said, nudging him with her elbow. He
glanced over at her but didn't say anything, although he didn't quite manage to
hide the grin that threatened to form. "That's pretty cool of your parents. A
little weird, but nice. So is this new guy staying in your room?"
"He better not be," Merton answered, shuddering at the image of some social
misfit digging through his stuff. "I'm not sleeping in the guestroom in my own
house."
"Well maybe this one will be cute," Lori said. "It'll give you something to do
over break, anyway."
"Trust me, if you'd seen the kids my mom's always dragging home you wouldn't
even suggest that," he answered, the last of his anger subsiding. "Besides, the
last thing I want to do is start some long-distance thing. I've got enough on
my mind with school as it is."
"Right, and your total lack of interest in dating wouldn't have anything to do
with the reason you don't want to go home."
"No," he answered a little too defensively. He paused and glanced out the
window as the plane took off, telling himself the weird feeling in the pit of
his stomach was from the sudden change in altitude and not the thought of
Tommy. He stole a glance at Lori out of the corner of his eye, but she was
focused on the view out the window. "So I guess you're going to see him while
we're home."
"He is one of my best friends," she reminded him, finally turning away from the
window to look at him. "Just because you pretend he doesn't exist doesn't mean
it's true."
He opened his mouth to say something defensive about the reason he pretended
Tommy didn't exist anymore, but she was already looking out the window again.
He sighed and let his answer die on his lips, telling himself it wasn't worth
arguing about. Tommy was out of his life; it was the choice he'd made that
afternoon in the hallway outside the high school gym and Merton wasn't going to
feel guilty for moving on. And he had moved on, he had a whole new life and he
was happy. Just because he still thought about Tommy every once in awhile
didn't mean anything.
***** Chapter 36 *****
By the time the plane from Minneapolis landed Merton was sure going home for
Christmas break had been a mistake. He'd spent the past month entertaining
fantasies of staying alone in the dorm, enjoying the peace and quiet of having
the entire building to himself. Other times he'd considered just slipping out
of the Minneapolis/St. Paul airport during his layover, getting a cheap hotel
room somewhere and spending a week anonymously before his flight back from
Minneapolis.
In the end he couldn't do it to his parents, and anyway with Lori around he'd
never have gotten away with it. As it was she'd been rattling on about school
and her new friends for almost the entire trip, and Merton had a sneaking
suspicion she was trying to distract him from something. In fact she was acting
an awful lot like someone that was trying to get the guest of honor to a
surprise party. Or a firing squad.
When they finally landed he was almost glad to be getting rid of her, even
though it meant he probably wouldn't be seeing her until they were back at
school. She was on a different flight back than he was, so at least she
couldn't accuse him of brooding all the way back to Massachusetts; It also
meant he wouldn't have a chance to get any information about Tommy out of her
until after break, though, and he couldn't help being disappointed about that.
"There's my ride," Lori said as they made their way into the gate area. He
followed her gaze to a man in a tailored gray suit, holding a sign that read
'Baxter'.
"You mean your parents didn't come pick you up?" Merton asked, frowning at the
thought of Lori riding all the way back to town with some stranger. "Are you
sure you don't want my dad to give you a lift? He doesn't mind."
"Hey, my parents remembered to send a driver, that means they're looking
forward to my visit," she said. She stopped and turned toward him, her smile a
mixture of affection and something close enough to pity to make him
uncomfortable. "I'll call you in a few days to see if you're ready to come out
of your room yet. And be nice to the charity case; it is Christmas, you know."
He rolled his eyes as she grinned and turned her back on him, watching her hand
her backpack over to her driver before he began scanning the crowd for his
father. She'd begun referring to his parents' houseguest as 'the charity case'
almost before they were out of Boston airspace, alternating between talking up
the potential the guy might have and going on and on about how great his
parents were for taking him in. It was obvious by the time they were over
Chicago that there was something she wasn't telling him, and if he didn't know
better he'd have jumped right to the conclusion that somehow they were talking
about Tommy.
His parents wouldn't do that to him, though. He was positive that no matter
what the circumstances, his parents wouldn't spring something like that on him
when he walked off the plane to spend three weeks stuck in Pleasantville. He'd
asked Lori more than once if there was something she wanted to tell him, but
she just shook her head and changed the subject to one of her friends at
school. As he searched the crowd for his father he told himself not to be
crazy, there was no way they'd keep something like that from him. No matter how
many times he'd told them not to mention Tommy to him, they'd tell him if they
let his ex-boyfriend move into their house.
A hand landed on his shoulder, startling him out of his thoughts. He smiled
sheepishly as he recognized his father, telling himself the reason he hadn't
seen him wasn't because he'd been looking for Tommy. It was ridiculous to think
he'd show up in the airport, except maybe to meet Lori and she'd already
disappeared with her driver.
"Deep breaths, Merton. It's alright, it's just me."
"Dad," Merton said, taking a deep breath automatically as he turned to face the
older man. "You just startled me."
"Sorry about that. It's good to see you, son. College agrees with you," Mr.
Dingle said, pulling Merton toward him for a quick hug before he reached for
Merton's backpack. "So how was the flight? Where's Lori? I thought she was
coming home with you."
"She did…I mean she's probably down at baggage claim already. Her parents sent
a driver."
"I see," Mr. Dingle said with the air of someone that was trying to be polite
about something he didn't approve of. "Well that gives us a chance to catch up,
man to man."
Merton wasn't surprised at his father's corny attempt at male bonding or the
arm around his shoulders as they made their way toward baggage claim. The
running commentary about life in Pleasantville over the last six months only
lasted until they got Merton's suitcase and put it in the trunk of the car,
however. As soon as Merton buckled his seat belt and they made their way out of
the parking garage his father's expression turned almost contemplative, and all
the worry he'd worked so hard to dismiss came rushing back.
"So how are you enjoying Amherst?" Mr. Dingle asked, glancing over at Merton
before he turned back to the road.
"I talk to you and Mom all the time, Dad," Merton answered. "You e-mail me
practically every day, you know how school's going."
"Right, right. There's something different about talking about something in
person, though, isn't there? Eye contact and all that." His father smiled
briefly, then let out a small sigh and looked over at Merton again. "Before we
get back to the house there are some things we should talk about."
Merton told himself the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach was just
nerves brought on by the thought of being home again after six months away. He
turned to stare out the window, watching the snow-covered fields rush by as his
father drove down the state highway that led to Pleasantville. It wasn't
snowing in Massachusetts yet; the air had turned cold at school, but he was
used to a permanent layer of snow by this time of year and as he looked up at
the gray sky he realized that he'd almost missed it. Not the town itself and
certainly not high school, but there were things about this place that would
always feel like home no matter how far away he got.
"Mom already told me about her latest project," he said, using the term the
entire family had settled on for his mother's charity cases years ago. "As long
as he's not sleeping in my room I don't care. I don't plan to do much over
break besides catch up on my sleep anyway."
He stared out at the dormant fields rushing past the car and silently pleaded
with his father to let it go at that, to laugh it off and assure Merton that
whoever this stranger was, he wouldn't make a difference in Merton's visit.
Maybe he was even leaving to visit his own family over the break, and if Merton
had to see him at all it would only be a few polite words before he was gone.
"Your room is exactly as you left it, much to your mother's dismay," his father
said, chuckling a little at his own joke. "Son, about the young man that's been
staying with us…"
"How's Becky doing?" Merton interrupted, turning toward his father suddenly. He
was sure his desperation not to hear the truth was written all over his face;
he'd asked about his sister enough during his parents' weekly phone calls that
he didn't have to worry about her. "Are they still leaving her alone at
school?"
"Your sister's doing very well. She's grown up quite a bit in the past few
months, you'll hardly recognize her."
For a second Merton actually thought his father was going to let him change the
subject, to laugh it off and launch into some fatherly speech about the fine
young woman Becky was becoming. He would have gladly listened to any rambling
platitudes about his sister as long as it meant putting off hearing what he was
almost sure now was the truth. That impromptu vacation in Minneapolis sounded
even better suddenly than it had when he'd first dreamed it up, but it was too
late now to do anything except let his father drive them
back to the house he'd spent most of his life in.
"That's good," Merton finally said. "I was afraid you were going to say there
were bricks flying through the windows at dinner or something."
"Nothing quite that dramatic," Mr. Dingle said, a smile tugging at the corners
of his mouth as he glanced in Merton's direction. "There have been a few
changes that we should talk about, though. Your mother mentioned our new
houseguest…"
"I already told you, I know all about that," Merton interrupted. "It's not a
big deal, Dad, I'm used to it. Besides, he's going to visit his family over the
break, right? I mean it's not like he's going to be hanging around our house
the whole time."
"I'm afraid he doesn't have a family to visit," his father said, his smile
fading at the thought of the unfortunate soul they'd taken in out of the
kindness of their hearts. Merton was smart enough to know that he was lucky he
had such liberal, well-meaning parents, but sometimes he wished they'd let
Pleasantville's 'mind your own business' policy rub off a little more. "Your
mother and I have faith in you, Merton. We know you can share your good fortune
with someone less fortunate, just for a few weeks."
Any hope Merton had of discovering that this was all some giant
misunderstanding faded when his father looked over and raised his eyebrows at
him. There was only one reason his parents would feel like they had to ask
that. They must have known how he'd react or they would have told him months
ago, but the fact that he was predictable didn't do anything to make him want
to pretend he was fine with it. Obviously they had no idea what they'd done; if
they knew how things had ended between him and Tommy…but then again maybe it
was his fault for never telling them the whole story. In fact he'd never really
told them anything, he'd never even come right out and said the words 'I'm gay'
to them.
He breathed in sharply at a sudden, horrifying thought: What if his parents had
misunderstood this whole time? Was it possible that they didn't know that Tommy
was his ex-boyfriend? No, they were the ones that laid down the ground rules
about Tommy spending the night, they had to know. But they didn't know the
extent of his feelings, and they had no idea how it ended. "Why didn't you just
tell me?"
"Forgive me for saying so, Merton, but you made your feelings on the subject
clear. Your mother was worried that if you knew you wouldn't come home for
Christmas. Frankly I'm surprised your friend Lori didn't mention it to you."
They were right; regardless of his sense of betrayal and the rolling nausea in
his stomach he knew his father had a point. There was no way he would have
gotten on a plane if they'd been honest with him from the beginning, he might
have refused to speak to them at all. Either way he'd be sitting in his dorm
room right now, licking his wounds and feeling sorry for himself. Which was
pretty much what he'd planned to do with his vacation, but it would have been a
lot less complicated if he'd done it in Massachusetts.
"She probably tried," Merton finally answered. He thought back to the first few
conversations he and Lori had after she forgave him for leaving without saying
goodbye, searching his memory for the clues she must have given him. She'd
tried to tell him about Tommy, but every time she got close to the subject he
shut her down before she could tell him anything. If he hadn't been so stubborn
he would have at least been prepared, but there was nothing he could do about
it now. "Do you have any idea what this is like for me, Dad? I mean do you and
Mom even know what happened?"
His father let out a heavy sigh and looked over at Merton, his gaze so heavy
suddenly that Merton had to look away. The last thing he wanted to see on his
father's face was disappointment of any kind, especially when he didn't feel
like he'd done anything wrong. It wasn't like he was the one that decided he
couldn't handle it. Tommy walked away from him, all Merton had done was respect
his decision. He clung desperately to that thought and forced himself to meet
his father's gaze again.
"If you were a little less stubborn you'd know that Tommy was thrown out of his
home this summer," the older man said as he turned his attention back to the
road. "He had some sort of disagreement with his father, I don't know all the
details but I believe it had something to do with the reason you chose not to
attend graduation. Tommy's had a hard time these past few months, son. In fact,
if it wasn't for you I have no idea what would have happened to him."
"If it wasn't for me none of this would have ever happened," Merton answered,
his arms crossed over his chest as he stared out the windshield. They'd reached
the outskirts of Pleasantville, and as they passed the burnt out farmhouse he
and Tommy had driven to that night in February he closed his eyes. "He'd still
be living the lie his father wanted to believe, and everything would be fine."
"Forgive me, Merton, but I think you're giving yourself a little too much
credit." The sound of his father's amused laughter made Merton scowl, and he
sank a little further into his seat as Pleasantville began to creep into view.
"Do you honestly think anyone could go on like that forever? It's possible this
would have happened anyway, and if Tommy didn't have us to turn to he would
have been out in the street. Frankly I'm relieved he felt he could come to us."
Merton wasn't sure when it happened, but suddenly it felt like all Tommy's
problems over the last year were somehow his fault. He had the urge to defend
himself, to point out that Tommy made his own choices and Merton had been as
understanding as he could for a lot longer than most people would have. He
wanted to tell his father that it was a dirty trick, luring him all the way
back to Pleasantville just to spend the entire time reminding him of how he'd
failed Tommy. Instead he let out a choked, bitter laugh and glanced over at his
father. "So he just showed up on the doorstep with his stuff and you
asked him to move in? Does that mean we're brothers now?"
The older man didn't answer, but his frown let Merton know that he wasn't
impressed with his son's immature reaction. "Try to put yourself in Tommy's
shoes for a minute. This hasn't been easy for him."
"Yeah, it was a walk in the park for me," Merton muttered. "Come on, Dad, you
know what high school was like for me."
"Of course. I also know that you're a strong young man, and you have the
strength of your convictions to guide you. And don't forget that you were given
options, that's not something Tommy was lucky enough to have."
He resisted the urge to roll his eyes, opting instead to turn away from his
father so he wouldn't be accused of pouting next. Morbid curiosity had made him
wonder what Tommy's life was like now, but this was a little too much. If he'd
known…but he should have known, really. He should have figured it out from the
vague way his parents referred to their new live-in charity case, because in
the past his mother had always been happy to supply more details than Merton
wanted about any of the students she took an interest in.
Something about thinking of Tommy as a charity case made his stomach turn, and
for a split second he almost felt sorry for him. Or maybe it wasn't even pity
so much as a sense of compassion. It must have taken a lot for Tommy to go to
Merton's parents for help, especially after the way they left things. Even if
he hadn't intended to come out to his father it had happened, and Merton could
imagine the shape Tommy was in when his parents got their hands on him. "Is he
okay?" he heard himself ask, horrified at the fact that he'd actually said it
out loud.
"He's doing better," Mr. Dingle answered as he steered the car into their
neighborhood. "It's been a rough few months for him, but once we got his
financial aid paperwork in order and he settled into his classes things started
to settle down. He lost his scholarship when his father threw him out,
evidently the coach wasn't any more enthusiastic than Mr. Dawkins about having
Tommy play for the team."
He knew without having to ask how Tommy had taken getting cut from the team,
and a tiny part of him that he didn't want to acknowledge was glad that his
parents had been there. At least they finally proved to Tommy that he didn't
have to depend on his father to carve out a future for him, something that
Merton had never been able to convince him of. Not that he hadn't tried, but
telling Tommy he had options and actually showing him were two different
things. Maybe he could have helped Tommy with some of it, and maybe he'd always
regret that he hadn't tried a little harder. The fact that his parents had
picked up where he left off made him feel a little better, though.
"Look, son, your mother and I know this isn't going to be easy for you. Tommy
knows it too, he's probably just as nervous about this as you are. But you're
both smart young men, I'm sure you can leave the past in the past for a few
weeks and just enjoy some time with the family."
He wanted to laugh at the idea of Tommy being included in the Dingles' concept
of 'family', but the expression on his father's face was so hopeful and sincere
that all he could do was nod. He managed a weak smile and told himself he could
get through a few weeks with Tommy hanging around. It was still his family,
after all, and nothing had really changed. Maybe he could even trick himself
into believing that Tommy was just another border and ignore him for three
weeks, that would make it a little easier. "Sure, Dad. I can try."
"I never doubted you," Mr. Dingle said, grinning broadly as he pulled into the
driveway. "It's great to have you home, son. We've all been looking forward to
seeing you again."
Merton bit back the sarcastic remark that threatened to form, telling himself
it wouldn't do him any good to antagonize Tommy's cheering section. He wasn't
happy about the fact that his parents had lied to him, but there was nothing he
could do about it. At least not until he figured out a way to get back to
Massachusetts without causing a major scene. There was always the hearse; he'd
always wanted to take a road trip and he had a little money left over from his
summer in D.C.
He tucked the thought away in his brain for later consideration and opened the
car door, pulling his backpack out of the back seat while his father lifted his
suitcase out of the trunk. The next few weeks were definitely going to be
weird, but he was over Tommy so it shouldn't matter, right? Sure, he still
thought about him sometimes, but he was definitely over him. It was natural to
wonder what he was up to, after all they'd spent a lot of time together in
their last year of high school. So really he should be glad to know that Tommy
was doing okay and getting on with his life.
That thought was what finally convinced him to follow his father into the
house, closing the door behind them and breathing in the familiar aroma of his
mother's pot roast. For a second he could almost believe he'd hallucinated the
entire conversation in his father's Volvo, but as soon as the kitchen door
swung open his heart sank straight to his stomach. Until that moment he hadn't
let himself wonder what it would be like to see Tommy again, maybe because he
knew if he had he'd never have gotten out of the car. If he'd thought about it
he might have been prepared for the way his pulse sped up and
the sudden rise in temperature, but he was totally unprepared for the flock of
butterflies that took flight in his stomach.
His father was right about one thing; Tommy looked just as nervous as Merton
felt, but that wasn't making him feel any better. All the arguments he'd come
up with for getting through the next three weeks flew right out of his head,
and as he stared back at Tommy all he could do was hope he'd survive until he
figured out a way to get out of Pleasantville for good.
***** Chapter 37 *****
Seeing Tommy again wasn't as dramatic as Merton expected it to be; there
weren't any tears or angry accusations. Neither of them acknowledged the fact
that they were more than acquaintances, really, at least not in words. There
were a few moments of awkwardness as they exchanged platitudes about school and
how weird it was to see each other again after all this time, but after that
the conversation faded into an awkward silence. Merton claimed jet lag as soon
as he could and escaped to the sanctity of his bedroom, leaving his luggage by
the door and peeling off his winter coat before he stretched out on his bed and
reacquainted himself with the ceiling.
There was something comforting about staring up at a ceiling he'd memorized
years ago, surrounded by the belongings he'd deemed not strictly necessary to
his new, improved life at college. They'd seemed unnecessary at the time –
frivolous, even, from the elaborate candelabras to his favorite plaster replica
of the human skull – but now he took a sort of comfort from running his fingers
over the dusty surfaces of his books and the other things he'd left behind.
He'd had plenty of time to contemplate how much he'd missed having his worn,
tattered copy of The Wicca Spellbook on hand, because he'd shut himself in his
room almost from the moment he got home. His mother had dragged him out of the
safety of his bedroom long enough for a welcome home dinner, but he'd had a
hard time focusing on the pot roast long enough to enjoy it while Tommy was
sitting right across the table. Maybe it would have been easier for him if the
whole family had been overcome by a sudden bout of awkwardness, but he seemed
to be the only one that thought there was anything weird about having Tommy
sitting at their table like he belonged there.
He listened to his parents and his sister betray him with each laugh, each
teasing question about Tommy's day. He'd suffered through a story or two about
Tommy's coworkers at the restaurant where he was evidently bussing tables, and
he even had to keep a straight face while his mother fawned over Tommy's end of
term grades. It was disturbing to watch them, because as he sat there and
listened to the banter he realized that this was normal for them. Tommy sat at
his dining room table every night, teased his little sister about a crush
Merton didn't even know she had, and
sought counsel from his parents about what classes to sign up for next
semester.
The worst part wasn't that Tommy had taken over his life, though. If Tommy had
just insinuated himself into the family and pretended Merton wasn't even
sitting there he would have felt vindicated in being jealous, but every few
minutes Tommy glanced over at him with an almost apologetic expression.
Merton's entire family appeared to be oblivious to what was going on, but Tommy
was completely aware of it and he obviously felt at least a little guilty.
It felt so weird to sit there that Merton felt like he might crawl out of his
skin before dinner ended, and by the time his mother served dessert he was
ready to scream. As soon as he saw an opening his mumbled something about being
tired from the trip and escaped back to his room, throwing himself down on his
bed with a dramatic flair that would have embarrassed him if he wasn't so busy
feeling sorry for himself.
Eventually he fell asleep, although it was long after the rest of the family
turned in for the night. He lay there and listened to them moving around the
house, amusing himself by guessing whose shoes were squeaking on the kitchen
floor or who decided to watch a movie in the living room after his parents had
already gone to their room and closed the door. At first he thought Becky and
Tommy were watching something together, and he imagined the two of them
laughing quietly so they wouldn't disturb his parents, sitting close together
on the couch like they were the real siblings.
A few minutes later he heard Becky's door close, though, and then the
unmistakable sounds of water running in the bathroom as she got ready for bed.
The noise in the living room continued, but Merton couldn't make out the voices
from the film well enough to tell what Tommy was watching. He thought about
wandering out there to see, but the thought of another awkward confrontation
with Tommy was too much for him. It was bad enough that he felt like a guest in
his own house without having to make small talk with the one person he'd spent
the past six months trying not to think about.
He didn't really want to resent Tommy's presence in the house, because he knew
what Tommy had gone through before his father threw him out. He still hadn't
heard all the details of how Tommy came to live with his parents, but he could
imagine what that final scene in the Dawkins house must have been like. The
thought of Tommy showing up at his mother's office in long sleeves to cover his
bruises made Merton's heart ache, and he squeezed his eyes shut to will the
image away.
The sounds of the movie faded and he dozed off only to wake abruptly when he
heard the TV shut off. For a second he thought he was back in the dorm and the
last few hours had just been a weird dream, but the sound of footsteps in the
hallway jolted him back to reality. He tensed as he listened to Tommy make his
way down the hall, holding his breath as he waited for the other boy to pass
his room and let himself into the guest room. When the footsteps came to a stop
outside his door Merton froze, staring at the doorknob as he waited for Tommy
to open the door.
He wasn't sure if he wanted Tommy to come in or not, but when the footsteps
started moving down the hall again his heart fell a little. As soon as he heard
the guest room door close he fell back against his pillows with a muted groan,
telling himself there was no reason for Tommy to check to see if he was still
awake. He felt guilty about accepting help from Merton's parents after the way
things had ended between them, that was it. Maybe he'd even been thinking about
offering some stammered apology, but that wasn't what Merton wanted.
Not that he wanted anything from Tommy; he certainly didn't want to get out of
bed and pad down the hall to the guest room, knock quietly and half-hope Tommy
wouldn't hear him so he could go back to his own bed. He didn't have a clue
what he'd say if Tommy opened the door, there was really nothing they could say
to each other. It was all in the past, and now Tommy was just a guy that rented
a room in his parents' house. That was all he could be, because Merton wasn't
sure what would happen if they tried to talk about what happened.
~
When Merton woke up again the sun was pouring through his blinds, deceptively
bright and giving off the impression that it was closer to late May than late
December. He groaned and buried his head a little further into the pillows,
closing his eyes tight against the unwelcome sunlight. A dreary, gray sky like
the one that had greeted him yesterday would have suited his mood much better,
so the fact that the day was blindingly bright didn't surprise him at all.
He tried to go back to sleep, rationalizing that it was his first real day of
vacation and there was really no reason to get out of bed at all until it was
time to go back to school. The strange moments when Tommy had stopped outside
his door the night before wouldn't leave his consciousness, though, and he
finally gave up on sleep and opened his eyes. The smell of whatever his mother
was cooking would have gotten him out of bed eventually anyway, he rationalized
as he brushed his teeth and made a few attempts to subdue his hair.
Finally he gave up on trying to look presentable – not attractive, because it
didn't matter what Tommy thought of him anymore – and stumbled toward the
kitchen in search of breakfast. He was surprised to discover that Tommy wasn't
already at the table, working his way through a stack of his father's waffles
or a three-egg omelet. Even the memory of watching Tommy eat breakfast at this
very table made his heart do a strange little flip, and he let out a disgusted
sigh and threw himself into a chair.
"Morning, son," his father said around his newspaper. "Sleep well now that
you're back in your own bed?"
He thought about telling them the truth, that he'd laid awake half the night
tossing and turning and he wasn't in the mood for small talk. Part of him
wanted to scream at them that he felt betrayed by all of them, that they had no
right to bring Tommy home and actually like him better than their own son. They
probably didn't even miss him; he probably could have stayed at school alone
over break and it wouldn't have made a difference to any of them.
"I slept fine," was all he said.
"Good, good," his father murmured absently, already engrossed in his paper
again.
A moment later a plate of food appeared in front of him, accompanied by a kiss
pressed against his temple. "Eat, Merton; You're wasting away at college," his
mother said, patting his shoulder before she went back to the stove.
He looked down at the plate full of eggs and fruit, then down at the thin tee
shirt covering his chest. For the first time he realized that the fabric hung
off him a little more than it used to, and to his parents the change in him was
probably a signal that he was miserable and starving himself. "The food at
school isn't the greatest," he muttered, half expecting them both to ignore
him.
"Sometimes I think it's a shame you went all the way to Amherst," his mother
said, surprising him into looking up. "Not that it isn't a wonderful school,
your father and I both enjoyed our time there. But we're from the East so our
families were close by. I don't like thinking of you all the way out there by
yourself."
"He's hardly by himself, dear," his father interjected, looking up from his
paper long enough to smile at his wife. "Besides, he looks fine. Don't
embarrass the boy."
It was the closest his parents ever got to fighting, and Merton found himself
smiling in spite of his determination to be miserable. He hid his amusement by
taking a bite of his breakfast, tuning out the sounds of his parents' voices as
they argued politely about whether or not he was too skinny. They were so
caught up in the conversation that neither of them even looked up when the
doorbell rang, so Merton sighed and pushed his chair back. He wondered vaguely
where Becky and Tommy were as he made his way to the front door, raising his
eyebrows as he found himself face to face with Lori.
"Hey, Merton," she said. "I see you made it out of your room already, I'm
impressed."
"If you're here to gloat you can just go away," he said, his eyes narrowing as
she brushed past him and let herself into the foyer.
"First of all, I'm not even here to see you, I'm here for Tommy. And second of
all, there's nothing to gloat about; You're the one that made such a huge deal
out of never mentioning Tommy's name, I was just respecting your wishes. If you
hadn't been so stubborn about it you would have known a long time ago." She
cleared her throat and glanced over his shoulder, her expression turning
sheepish. "Hey, Tommy. Ready to go?"
"Uh…yeah. Let me just tell Mr. and Mrs. Dingle where I'm going," Tommy said,
his voice ringing in Merton's ears. He should have known that morning when he
woke up to too-bright sunlight streaming through his windows that staying in
bed was the best idea, but it was too late to take any of it back now. Maybe
Tommy already knew that Merton refused to talk about him or even hear his name,
maybe Lori or his parents had already filled him in on exactly how immature
Merton could be. That didn't make him feel any better, though, and the hint of
pain in Tommy's eyes when he forced himself to look at the other boy confirmed
his suspicion that he was handling the whole situation wrong.
"Merton can tell them," Lori said, interrupting the moment of tension. Merton
cleared his throat and willed himself not to blush as he tore his gaze away
from Tommy's. "You don't mind, do you, Merton?"
Merton muttered something along the lines of 'sure, whatever' as Lori pulled
the front door open again, crossing his arms over his chest and making himself
as small as possible as Tommy brushed past him. He felt the heat of the other
boy's body anyway as Tommy's shoulder made contact with his, and it took every
ounce of self-control he had left not to close his eyes.
"Thanks, Merton," Tommy said, pausing with his hand on the doorknob as though
he wanted to say something else. "See you later."
"Yeah, see you," Merton echoed, waiting until the door shut before he dared to
move. It hadn't been the most painful moment of his life, but it had been up
there. He was pretty sure nothing would ever top hearing Tommy say he was just
standing there before he walked into the gym and out of Merton's life, but the
look on Tommy's face when Merton turned around was unexpected. If anything he
figured Tommy would be glad that Merton had left him alone, regardless of how
things had worked out with his family in the end. Suddenly he wasn't so sure
anymore, and that was almost worse than if Tommy had just pretended he wasn't
standing there.
The last thing he needed to do was start imagining they had a shot at a second
chance. He didn't even want one, because he was over Tommy. He'd gone out on
dates with other guys since he got to Amherst, just because he hadn't found
anyone he liked enough to see more than once or twice didn't mean anything. And
even if he hadn't been dating he still wouldn't want Tommy back, not after the
way things ended between them. He still had a little bit of pride, even if no
one else saw it.
A soft sigh escaped his throat as he headed back to the kitchen, sinking back
into his chair to stare at his lukewarm breakfast. "Who was at the door?" his
mother asked, frowning at him when he looked up at her. "Merton, honey? Are you
alright?"
"I'm fine, Mom," he lied, pushing his eggs around on his plate a little to
prove his point. "It was just Lori. Tommy wanted me to tell you he was going
out with her. I don't know when they'll be back."
He caught his parents exchanging a glance over his head, but he didn't bother
to look up. Suddenly the effort of convincing them he wasn't as pathetic as
they thought he was seemed too much, so he kept his gaze focused on his plate
and let them think what they wanted.
"Well that works out," his father said, his voice a little too loud and
cheerful in the silence of the kitchen. "What do you say we get that sister of
yours out of bed and go find ourselves a tree? We waited until you were home so
you could help us pick one out."
Driving all over the county in search of the perfect Christmas tree was the
last thing Merton felt like doing; what he really wanted to do was torture
himself all day wondering what Tommy and Lori were doing. He could torture
himself just as easily in the back seat of his father's car, though, and his
parents looked so hopeful that he forced himself to smile. "Sure, Dad. Sounds
like fun."
"Terrific. I saw some great trees over at Anderson's; they're cheaper at Wal-
Mart but Anderson's look a lot nicer. Of course we could always get a permit
and go cut our own this year."
Merton tuned out his father's rambling monologue about the origins of the
perfect Christmas tree and let his mind wander back to that split second at the
front door. He knew he was imagining it, but for just a second he could have
sworn that something had passed between him and Tommy, some signal or silent
communication that he hadn't deciphered yet. It had to be his imagination, a
hallucination brought on by lack of sleep and the guilt that had made Tommy
hesitate outside his bedroom at midnight.
As soon as he caught his mind wandering to what might have happened if Tommy
had knocked on his door he shook his head, chasing the unwelcome and unsettling
thoughts out of his mind. What he'd told Lori on the plane was still true; it
didn't matter that Tommy had turned out to be the person staying in his
parents' guestroom, he was still just a student his parents had taken in. The
time for working out what happened between them in high school had long since
passed, and now they were both living different lives.
He forced his attention back to the conversation at the table in time to hear
his father muttering about Christmas lights, stifling a sigh and telling
himself to be thankful that they at least wanted him around. Maybe Tommy was
more uncomfortable about spending the holidays in their house than he let on,
after all his family probably had different traditions, if they had any at all.
At least Merton knew what his dad meant when he talked about the outside lights
versus the tree lights, and they had waited for him before they decorated. It
was possible that Tommy had gone out with Lori for the simple reason that he
felt weird about hanging around while they were doing family stuff. Merton told
himself he wasn't worried about how Tommy was handling his first Christmas away
from his family and finally gave up on his breakfast, managing a weak smile as
he focused on his father's plans for the day.
***** Chapter 38 *****
Merton's room was so quiet that the sound of someone knocking on his door
startled him into nearly falling off the bed, but he managed to catch his
balance just in time for his mother to push the door open. "Hon, your dad and I
have to go to a party on campus tonight," she said, leaning against the
doorframe and glancing around the room. "Becky's out with Andrea. I ordered a
pizza and I'll leave some money on the counter. Okay?"
"Sure, whatever," Merton answered distractedly, his mind still back on the fact
that his whole family was going out and leaving him home alone. Not that his
parents didn't still have work obligations during their own break from classes,
but aside from the tree-finding expedition he'd barely seen any of them. He
knew it was his fault for hiding out in his room whenever Tommy happened to be
around, but it wasn't like they went out of their way to try to include him. He
wasn't really all that sure what they did while he was brooding in his room,
but whenever he tried to imagine it usually involved Tommy and a lot of
Hallmark moments they'd never had when he lived at home.
He couldn't really blame Tommy, although part of him really, really wanted to.
Tommy had always liked his parents, though, and this was probably the first
time he'd ever had a normal family to come home to. He couldn't blame Becky
either; for one thing she'd had a crush on Tommy since she got to high school,
and it wasn't like Merton had ever given her much of a reason to miss him when
he went off to school. So he blamed his parents. It didn't make him feel better
and he certainly wasn't going to tell them what was bothering him, but it was
nice to have someone to hold responsible.
More than once he'd walked into the kitchen to find Tommy and Becky talking or
laughing, but the second one of them caught sight of him they both shut up. It
was a little creepy, and although he was pretty sure they weren't talking about
him he couldn't help being a little jealous. He understood why she wanted to
spend time with Tommy, Merton knew firsthand how much fun he could be. Having
Becky around was probably a novelty for Tommy too, it was probably like having
a sibling that wanted him around for once. Even though he understood it that
didn't stop him from being unnerved every time he interrupted one of their
private conversations.
"So you'll be okay alone?" his mother asked, reminding Merton that she was
still standing in his doorway.
"Yeah, I'm fine, Mom," he answered, managing a weak smile and hoping she'd buy
it.
She paused and frowned thoughtfully at him, then sighed and pushed herself off
the doorframe. "What is it exactly you've been doing in here?"
"Nothing," he said, stopping short of rolling his eyes at himself when he
remembered who he was talking to. That answer hadn't worked with his mother in
eighteen years, so he doubted it was going to this time. "Sleeping, mostly.
Feels like I've been awake for a month straight. Finals were really hard."
"Well you could put in an appearance every once in awhile, you know. Your
family would like to hear how your life's going."
"Sorry," he said, grinning sheepishly when she raised her eyebrows at him. It
felt good to know that at least she'd noticed he was avoiding them, even if he
couldn't tell her why. "I'll try harder, I promise."
"Good. We're on our way out, I'll leave the money on the kitchen counter. If
you need anything call your dad's cell."
"I'll be fine," Merton called after her, shaking his head as she closed the
door behind her. It wouldn't do any good to remind her that he wasn't five
anymore, she didn't even think he could feed himself for one night. As soon as
he heard the front door close he pushed himself off his mattress, stretching
his stiff limbs. Maybe he had been spending too much time cooped up in his room
after all. He pulled the door open and walked down the hall to the kitchen,
intent on finding something to drink and heading to the living room to survey
his DVD collection.
As soon as he opened the door he remembered that his mother hadn't mentioned
anything about Tommy's plans for the evening, and judging by the amount of food
Tommy had piled on the counter he wasn't planning to go anywhere anytime soon.
He looked up as soon as Merton walked in, surprise flickering in his eyes for a
second before he blinked and pulled himself together. "Hey. I thought you were
asleep or something."
"No," Merton answered, eyeing the food Tommy had lined up on the counter. "I
thought Mom ordered pizza."
"Yeah, but it won't be here for like half an hour," Tommy said, as though that
was a perfectly reasonable excuse for eating dinner before dinner got there.
"You want anything?"
"No, thanks. I'm not that hungry."
"Your mom's right, you know," Tommy said, setting a jar of mustard on the
counter as he turned to look Merton up and down. "You look like you've been
starving yourself out there. Not that you don't look good," he added, his face
flushing an attractive shade of pink as soon as he realized what he'd said. He
cleared his throat and turned back to his sandwich, suddenly fascinated with
the twist tie on the loaf of bread.
Merton didn't really want to be flattered by the accidental compliment,
especially since he wasn't sure that Tommy meant it. Even if Tommy thought he
looked too skinny that meant he'd been looking, though, and Merton wasn't sure
how to feel about it. "I'll just eat when the pizza gets here," Merton finally
answered, backing toward the door to the kitchen.
Tommy looked up when he started moving, his cheeks practically glowing pink and
his lips parted so invitingly that for a second Merton forgot to breathe. He
remembered with a sharp gasp, covering the sound by clearing his throat and
looking down at the floor.
"I was gonna watch a movie," Tommy said. "If you wanna watch."
It was exactly what Merton had been planning to do with his evening anyway, but
the idea of sitting on the couch next to Tommy for two hours made him hesitate.
It was too much like a dozen other nights when they were still in high school
and Tommy was still his boyfriend, and Merton wasn't sure he'd be able to sit
there without reliving their entire relationship. He couldn't exactly tell
Tommy that, though, so he just shrugged and forced himself to look up again.
"Yeah, sure."
"Cool. I got a new DVD, you've probably seen it but I think you've seen every
horror movie ever made."
"I haven't seen either sequel to Sleepaway Camp," Merton pointed out, relaxing
enough to smile at Tommy's back while he finished making his sandwich and
started cleaning up the mess on the counter. "And I never did catch the
original version of Satan's School for Girls."
"Something tells me you're not missing anything there." Tommy swept the last of
the crumbs off the counter and picked up his plate and the sodas he'd dug out
of the fridge, handing one to Merton before he pushed the kitchen door open. "I
picked up Silent Night, Deadly Night. I was in the mood for something festive."
A soft laugh escaped Merton's throat as he followed Tommy into the living room
and sank onto the couch. A year ago he'd been the one digging through the video
cabinet to locate whatever movie they planned to watch, and now Tommy was more
at home in his house than he was. The whole thing felt like some twisted
reversal of their earliest dates, and if he didn't know better he'd think his
entire family was in on setting this up. Only he was sure his parents wouldn't
go that far, and there was no indication that Tommy wanted anything from him
other than to put the past behind them.
Maybe he even wanted to be friends, something Merton was sure just a few days
ago he'd never be capable of. The idea of hanging out with Tommy and pretending
he was over what happened seemed impossible before he got home, but now that
they were in the same house he remembered how much he liked just spending time
with the other boy. He was surprised at the way that possibility made his pulse
race, and he told himself that if they were going to be friends they were going
to be just friends. Tommy didn't want him back; for all he knew Tommy had a new
boyfriend. Although Tommy hadn't really gone out that Merton knew of with
anyone except Lori, at least not since he'd been home.
As soon as he started wondering about Tommy's social life he blushed and rolled
his eyes at himself, willing away the faint hope creeping into his
consciousness. He didn't want Tommy back, he couldn't. There was no way that
was going to happen, especially not while Tommy lived in Pleasantville and
Merton lived in Massachusetts. A soft sigh escaped him before he could stop it,
and he sank a little further into the couch cushions as Tommy took a seat and
pressed play on the remote.
"So have you?"
"W-what?" Merton stammered, his eyes wide as he wondered how long Tommy had
been talking to him.
"Seen this movie."
"Oh. No, I never got around to this one in high school. Al…this guy I used to
know and I worked our way through as many horror movies as we could get our
hands on in junior high, but they don't have this one at the video store."
If Tommy caught the fact that Merton had almost said Alistair's name he didn't
react, he just nodded and turned back to the movie. He wasn't even sure if
Tommy remembered who Alistair was, or if he did whether or not he cared about
Merton's past anymore. He stole a quick glance at Tommy to find him already
engrossed in the movie, and he took the opportunity to study the other boy's
profile in the soft light from the TV. His heart skipped a beat as he watched
Tommy's lips part, and he tore his gaze away and forced himself to focus on the
movie. He was not going to spend the next two hours thinking about Tommy's
mouth or wondering whether or not there was anything left between them, no
matter how familiar it felt to be sitting next to Tommy in the dark.
~
By the time the movie ended Merton was so tense that he practically launched
off the couch to take the disc out of the DVD player. He didn't let himself
look over at Tommy as he reached for the case, because he couldn't trust
himself to look at Tommy anymore. They'd sat side by side for almost two hours,
sharing pizza and staring at the television without saying a word. Finally the
silence was so unbearable that Merton was sure he was going to say something
he'd regret, if for no other reason than to break up the silence.
He hadn't been able to stop thinking about Tommy through the entire movie, no
matter how much he enjoyed the storyline or the graphic violence in the film.
Even during the goriest parts he hadn't been able to keep his mind off the fact
that Tommy was less than two feet away from him on the couch, close enough that
if he wanted to he could reach over and touch him. Every time the thought
occurred to him he wondered how Tommy would react if he went through with it,
if he'd pull away and ask Merton what the hell he thought he was doing. Maybe
he'd smile in that way he had and move a little closer, tell Merton how much
he'd missed them and that he'd just been waiting for a signal, anything to tell
him Merton was thinking the same thing he was.
Those kinds of fantasies were dangerous, especially when they were still alone
in the house and Tommy was still sitting there in the dark. Merton stalled as
long as he could before he finally turned around, taking a deep breath and
bracing himself for a few more moments of awkwardness before he could escape to
his room. When he turned to face Tommy the other boy was watching him, his
expression unreadable in the darkness broken only by the glow from the TV and
the light from the hallway.
He opened his mouth to stammer some excuse about being tired and retreat to the
safety of his room, most likely to stare at the ceiling all night and try to
talk himself out of being attracted to Tommy. Before he got the words out Tommy
stood up, and for a split second Merton braced himself for the other boy to
move toward him. Instead of moving forward Tommy took a few steps backwards,
switching on the lamp next to the couch before he cleared his throat and turned
to face Merton again.
"Can I talk to you for a minute before you take off again?"
Merton blushed at the obviousness of his intentions, but he nodded and shut off
the TV before he took a seat as close to the end of the couch as he could.
Tommy sat on the opposite end, resting his elbows on his thighs and taking a
deep breath before he looked up again.
"I know this is weird," he said, gesturing vaguely between them. "I mean I
don't blame you, I was a total jerk. What I'm trying to say here is I'm sorry
for the way I acted. I never got a chance to tell you then. Maybe it's too late
now and you don't want to hear it, but I thought you should know."
He'd been dreading this conversation, and now that Tommy had actually started
it he knew why. He had no idea how to answer that, how to explain to Tommy what
it had felt like to watch him walk away that day. Tommy probably felt the same
way when he found out that Merton had left town without a word, but wasn't it
different? Didn't he have every reason to leave the past behind? He wasn't so
sure anymore; he wasn't sure of anything anymore except that he wasn't as over
Tommy as he'd hoped.
"Tommy, you don't…I mean yeah, it's weird, but it's just as much my fault. I
knew what I was getting into, at least I thought I did. I should have tried
harder to understand, maybe, or at least told you I was leaving."
"When I heard you were gone…" Tommy trailed off, his expression clouding for a
moment before he looked away and cleared his throat. "Everything happened
really fast after that. Everybody at school was talking thanks to Tim and
Travis. Then my dad heard, and when he asked me I just told him the truth. I
knew I shouldn't, that I'd probably regret it as soon as I said it. The funny
thing is that I didn't. It felt good, you know?"
"I know what you mean," Merton answered when Tommy looked up at him again. His
stomach twisted at Tommy's grateful smile, and suddenly the awkwardness in the
room was charged with something even more powerful.
"If it hadn't been for your parents I don't know what would have happened,"
Tommy continued. "It took me awhile to work up the nerve even to go see your
mom. I wasn't expecting to end up here, I just needed to talk to somebody that
might be able to tell me what to do. It was really cool of them to take me in,
especially considering…well, you know." He paused and flashed a sheepish grin
in Merton's direction. "It's nice, though. I mean the thought of living alone
is kind of depressing. Plus your family's really cool."
A wry grin tugged at the corners of Merton's mouth as he listened to Tommy
rhapsodize about his parents as though they were his personal saviors. In a way
he guessed Tommy saw them as just that, and he couldn't really blame him for
being grateful. "Sometimes I wondered if you were only hanging around me
because you liked my parents so much."
"No," Tommy said, his eyes wide as he turned to stare at Merton. "I swear,
Merton…I mean I like them and all but…"
"Relax, Tommy, I was kidding," Merton interrupted. He regretted the dumb joke
as soon as he said it, but he hadn't expected that kind of reaction. He'd
thought for the past few days that Tommy's constant apologetic looks had to do
with insinuating himself into Merton's family, but now that he knew Tommy was
still thinking about their break-up he wasn't sure how to feel. "I'm glad you
asked my mom for help. I mean it was a surprise, finding out you were living
here, but I'm glad things worked out. With school and all. And Becky likes
having you around."
"She's a good kid."
Merton bit his lip to keep from asking what Tommy and Becky were always
whispering about; it wasn't any of his business, really, and he didn't want to
let on that it bothered him. He already felt stupid enough without letting
Tommy in on the reasons why he'd been brooding since he got home. "Look, Tommy,
for what it's worth, I'm sorry too. I could have handled everything a lot
differently. Starting with keeping my mouth shut."
"No, I'm glad it happened," Tommy said quickly. "I mean not the way things
ended up, but if it hadn't been for you I don't know how long it would have
taken me to stand up to my dad."
…Not the way things ended up. Merton rolled the words over in his mind, the
rest of the sentence almost lost on him as he wondered if that meant what he
thought it meant. He stole another glance at Tommy, but his expression was
unreadable and Merton couldn't risk asking. It was too much like admitting he
still had feelings for Tommy, and he didn't want that to be true. Not if it was
one-sided, not if this was really just an apology.
"You would have figured it out eventually," he said, quelling the urge to wince
at how lame that sounded when he said it out loud. The truth was Merton was
just lucky that his parents were as understanding as they were, because he'd
never had to say it to them at all. His coming out had been such a non-event
that he had no idea how Tommy felt, and he was pretty sure he'd never really
understand.
"Maybe." Tommy sighed and looked up at him, and for a second Merton thought he
was going to say something else. A moment later he shook his head and looked
back down at his hands, leaving Merton feeling disappointed without really
knowing why.
He cleared his throat and stood up, wiping his palms on the sides of his jeans
as he looked everywhere but at Tommy. "You wanna watch something else? There's
gotta be something in here you haven't seen," he said, opening the video
cabinet and scanning the titles without registering any of them.
When Tommy didn't answer he ventured a glance over his shoulder, his heart
stopping at the look on the other boy's face. Maybe Tommy hadn't expected him
to turn around, or maybe he just didn't know how easily Merton could read his
expression. Either way the look of resigned disappointment was clear, and
suddenly Merton felt like he'd made a huge mistake just by getting off the
couch. The possibilities of what might have happened if he'd just kept his
mouth shut were staggering, and his mind raced as he tried to think of a way to
take it back.
Before he came up with something to say that wouldn't make things worse Tommy
stood up, not quite managing to stifle a sigh. "Actually I'm pretty tired. I
think I'm just gonna call it a night."
"Oh. Okay," Merton said. He closed the video cabinet absently as he watched
Tommy cross to the entrance to the living room. When he was almost out of the
room he stopped and turned around, meeting Merton's gaze with a sad smile.
"Thanks, Merton. I'm glad we talked."
"Yeah, me too," Merton answered, although he wasn't sure if he'd said it loud
enough for Tommy to hear. A moment later he was alone, his heart pounding too
hard against his ribcage as he tried to figure out what had just happened
between them.
***** Chapter 39 *****
In the days following their talk Merton managed to relax a little around the
family, but every time he saw Tommy he still tensed. It wasn't jealousy over
Tommy's closeness with his family anymore, though. In fact he would have
welcomed that over the awkwardness he felt around Tommy now, the sweaty palms
and constant worry that he was going to say something to embarrass himself. So
he didn't say much at all, but Tommy still kept looking at him whenever he
thought Merton wasn't paying attention.
It wasn't the same apologetic look he'd gotten when he first got home. Now when
Tommy looked at him his expression was harder to read, but Merton was almost
certain he was trying to work something out. Every once in awhile he'd get this
determined look, like he'd made a decision that finally chased all the doubt
out of his features. A second later it would disappear, though, and Merton was
starting to think he'd never know what Tommy was really thinking.
He'd spent most of the afternoon trying to figure it out, but every time he
thought he was close to the right answer it would slip through his grasp. There
was no way to know for sure without just asking Tommy what was on his mind, and
Merton wasn't that desperate to know. At least he wasn't that brave. Either way
he was resigned to the inevitability of going back to school with the question
still weighing on him, and by the time he saw Tommy again he might just have
moved on for good.
That thought bothered him for reasons he'd never be able to put into words, and
he was almost grateful when the doorbell rang and interrupted his thoughts. He
made his way to the front door and pulled it open, pushing away any lingering
thoughts of Tommy as he found himself face to face with Lori. "Hey," he said.
"How's it going?"
"Not bad," she answered as he stood aside to let her in. "Tommy and I are
supposed to hang out tonight. Is he here?"
"Yeah, I think he's in his room," Merton answered, glancing unconsciously in
the direction of the guest room. "I'll go get him."
"Take your time," Lori called after him, but he was too busy wondering where
Tommy and Lori were going to catch the meaning behind her words. He hated being
jealous; he got to see Lori a lot more than Tommy did, and it wasn't like they
weren't friends before they even knew who he was. The real problem was that
Merton was jealous of the time Lori got to spend with Tommy, even though he was
pretty sure Tommy didn't want to be friends after all. At least he hadn't made
any effort to get Merton to talk to him again after that night in the living
room, and the more time that passed the less Merton could hold onto any kind of
hope.
He stopped in front of Tommy's door and took a deep breath before he knocked,
willing his pulse to stop racing as the door swung open and Tommy appeared.
"Lori's here. She's waiting by the door."
"Thanks," Tommy said, reaching down to tuck his shirt into his jeans. Merton
carefully avoided following the motion of his hands, keeping his gaze focused
on Tommy's chest as he backed away from the door.
"No problem."
"Merton, wait," Tommy said as Merton turned to head back to his own room. He
stopped in the center of the hall and turned around, holding his breath as he
waited to see what Tommy wanted. "Listen, Lori and I are just going to hang out
at The Factory. I mean if you're not doing anything…I thought maybe you'd wanna
come with us."
His first instinct was to ask if Tommy was feeling okay. His second was to tell
Tommy he had much more important things to do, like count the nail holes in his
walls or reorganize his clothes according to color. In the end his pride took a
back seat to the thought that this might be the last time Tommy ever asked him
to do anything again. "Sure, I mean if you don't think she'll mind."
Tommy's amused grin didn't help Merton relax, but at least it helped convince
him that he wasn't being included out of pity. "I've been telling you since
high school, Lori's crazy about you. She just acts like she hates everybody,
it's part of her charm."
Merton laughed nervously and mumbled something about changing his shirt,
disappearing into his room and searching frantically for something to wear that
actually fit him. He hadn't noticed how loose a lot of his clothes had gotten
at school, but he was either going to have to start eating more or buy a new
wardrobe. Finally he found a maroon button-down that didn't make him look like
he was drowning in his own shirt and pulled it on, fumbling with the buttons
for a minute before he finally got them lined up right.
When he reached the front door again Lori smirked at him and handed over his
coat. "Nice shirt, that's a good color on you," she said, waiting until he'd
pulled his coat on before she pulled him out the front door. He took a deep
breath and told himself there was no reason to be nervous; he was just going
out with a couple of friends, he did the same thing all the time at school. The
fact that one of the 'friends' in this case was Tommy didn't make any
difference at all.
~
Merton knew what The Factory was. It was the most popular hangout for the kids
at his high school, and he'd heard enough about it to know what to expect. He'd
never actually been inside, but he wasn't surprised to find that it was fairly
crowded when they got there. Most of the kids crowded onto the dance floor and
around the tables at the edges of the club were faces he recognized from
school, and for a second he wondered if this was such a good idea after all.
As soon as he tensed a hand landed on his back, and he looked up to find Tommy
smiling at him. "Come on," Tommy said, leaning close enough to shout over the
music. Merton barely managed to suppress a shiver at the feeling of Tommy's
breath hitting the side of his neck, swallowing hard and nodding as he let the
other boy lead him toward the back of the room.
Somehow Lori managed to find an empty table, and Merton let himself be pushed
into one of the chairs. He could practically feel the weight of the curious
gazes as they crossed the room, but if Tommy and Lori noticed they didn't seem
to mind. Tommy seemed almost excited, actually, almost as though he had more
energy than he knew what to do with. Merton watched him bounce over to the bar
to order their drinks, oblivious to the people staring after him.
"So you guys worked it out," Lori said, evoking a blush from Merton as he
realized she'd caught him staring.
"No. I mean we put the past behind us, if that's what you mean. I don't know, I
guess we're trying to be friends."
She shrugged and glanced over at Tommy, watching him shift his weight
restlessly for a moment before she turned her attention back to Merton. "Well
it's a step in the right direction, anyway."
He stopped himself from asking her which direction she meant, partly because he
was pretty sure he already knew and partly because he didn't want to have that
conversation with her. There would be plenty of time when they were back at
college for Lori to torture him about Tommy, and he wasn't in a hurry for her
to start. Instead he distracted himself with looking around the club, his
nervousness increasing with every face he recognized. "Is this really a good
idea?" he asked.
"It's the weirdest thing," Lori answered, following Merton's gaze to a group of
Tommy's former teammates. "Ever since he had it out with his dad Tommy's all
about living dangerously. Either that or he's totally oblivious, but I'm pretty
sure he knows what he's doing. I guess after his own father beat the hell out
of him and threw him out of the house getting hassled by a bunch of college
kids wouldn't make much difference."
Merton winced at the mention of Tommy's father; it was the first time anyone
had said more or less what happened when Tommy came out, and even though it was
exactly what Merton expected the image was still disturbing. "I guess not," he
said, steeling himself against the curious stares being directed toward them as
Tommy made his way back across the room. If Tommy wasn't bothered by his old
friends looking at them like they were some kind of freak show Merton wasn't
going to let it bother him, at least not in front of Tommy. It was exactly what
he'd told himself he wanted back when he and Tommy were still together, so he
wasn't about to let on that the staring bothered him now.
"So how's life in The Fortress?" Tommy asked, grinning at Lori's scowl.
"I don't know why I bothered to come home," she said. "I mean I think I've seen
my parents a total of four times in the past week, and once was when they drove
by me on their way out."
"I thought you came home to see your friends."
"I did, but you'd think they could at least pencil me into their schedule,"
Lori answered. "Although I guess I shouldn't expect them to act any different
than they did when I was still in high school. Not everybody can have perfect
parents like Merton's."
"Tell me about it," Tommy said, picking up his soda and glancing in the
direction of the dance floor. Merton felt like kicking Lori for bringing up the
subject of lousy parents, but before he had a chance to react Tommy turned back
to her and grinned. "Hey, maybe they'd let you move in too. What do you think,
Merton?"
He laughed and listened to Lori shift the subject to school, focusing more on
Tommy's end of the conversation than hers. He'd heard most of her stories
before, and anyway he was more interested in what Tommy did with his free time
than hearing about Lori's friends. From what he could tell Tommy spent most of
his time at school or at work, although every so often he'd mention a name
Merton had never heard before. He didn't want to jump to conclusions about the
people in Tommy's life, but it was hard not to wish he was one of them.
Sitting at the table with Lori and Tommy he could almost imagine what it would
have been like if Tommy had just told his father the truth before they broke
up. He told himself not to wonder if they'd still be together, but once he
thought it the question wouldn't quite go away. Maybe it would have been rough
in the beginning, but his parents would still have been there and Tommy would
have gotten over it eventually. Going to State would have been a lot different
than going to Amherst, but he would have traded it if he'd known back then.
Of course there was still the question of whether or not Tommy would even want
him anymore. Maybe now that he was out he'd realized that he could do better,
or at least that he could live without Merton. He had to be popular on campus,
at least in certain circles. Everybody always loved Tommy, and he was just as
gorgeous now as he had been in high school.
One of them said his name and he looked up, thankful the lights were dim so
they wouldn't see him blush. "Sorry, what?"
"I was just telling Tommy how you're the belle of the chemistry department,"
Lori said, smirking at the look his shot her. "What? Don't try to pretend you
don't love it. I swear he goes out more than me."
"Yeah, to chapter reviews and guest lectures," Merton shot back, stealing an
embarrassed glance at Tommy. He didn't want Tommy to think his life at Amherst
was as pathetic as his life in Pleasantville had been, but for reasons he
couldn't explain he didn't want Tommy thinking he'd moved on completely from
the person he used to be. "My life isn't that exciting."
"Whatever you say." She smiled and picked up her glass, draining the rest of
her soda before she set it back down on the table and stood up. "Sorry to drink
and run, guys, but I've gotta go. My parents will have a hissy fit if I'm not
back before my cousins show up."
"We just got here," Merton said, glancing at his watch as she shrugged her
jacket back on. He was surprised to find they'd already been sitting at the
table for half an hour, but it still seemed strange that she was leaving so
soon when she'd been expecting to be alone with Tommy.
"Well you guys can stay," she said, flashing her best innocent smile as she
picked up her keys and took a few steps backwards. "If I don't see you before
Christmas, you know…have a better time than I'm having."
Merton glanced at Tommy to see if he was at all bothered by Lori's sudden
departure, but Tommy just waved at her retreating figure and turned back to the
table. "You want another soda?" he asked, gesturing toward Merton's half-full
glass.
"No, thanks," Merton answered, frowning down at his glass for a second before
he looked back up at Tommy. "Lori left in a hurry."
"Yeah, I knew she had to get home," Tommy said. "No big deal, I mean you're
here, right?"
Now Merton was sure he'd missed some essential part of the conversation, but he
let it go and pretended that there was nothing weird about sitting in The
Factory with Tommy. So maybe Tommy had just invited him along because he didn't
want to sit there by himself; it made more sense than Tommy actually wanting to
hang out with him. He ignored the surge of disappointment that thought brought
on and shifted nervously in his chair.
"So you like going to State?" He would have rolled his eyes at the idiotic
question if Tommy didn't look so eager to answer it, even if he was just
talking to break up the awkwardness between them.
"It's okay. I mean it's not like I have a lot to compare it to, you know? But
for the most part people leave me alone, and it's nice not having football
practice every day. I miss playing sometimes, but my job and school keep me
pretty busy."
"So are you…I mean…" Merton was sure Tommy could see his cheeks blazing even in
the darkness of the club as he tried to figure out a way to ask Tommy about his
social life. He didn't want to come right out and ask, but it seemed like Tommy
would at least have some friends. "You know…you're making friends, right?"
"Yeah, I know a few people. When I first moved in with your folks your mom
hooked me up with the chick that runs the gay and lesbian alliance on campus,
she was nice. She introduced me around, I hang out with them sometimes. There
aren't too many of us and it was kind of weird at first, but I got used to it.
I'm sure you know what that's like."
"Yeah, I mean I didn't join a club or anything, but I know some people. Mostly
I'm so busy with classes and lab work that I forget where I live half the
time."
"So are you seeing anybody?"
Merton almost choked on the mouthful of soda he was in the process of
swallowing, forcing the liquid down and coughing before he looked at Tommy
again. It was bad enough that Tommy had come right out and asked the question
Merton hadn't been able to spit out, but he had to answer by practically
spitting his soda all over Tommy. "No, I mean I've dated, but no. Not right
now. What about you?"
"I go out with the guys and stuff, but I'm not really ready to date," Tommy
said, not quite meeting Merton's gaze as he picked up his glass and swallowed
the rest of his soda. Merton wasn't sure if he should take that as Tommy's way
of saying he didn't want to get back together or if it was Tommy's way of
saying he wasn't over Merton, but before he made up his mind Tommy stood up and
picked up their glasses. "I'll be right back."
Okay, so this wasn't a date. Of course it wasn't a date, considering it had
started off as Tommy and Lori catching up and morphed into all three of them
making small talk about college. Maybe Lori really did have to get home to
entertain her cousins, she'd mentioned them to Merton before so he knew they at
least existed. He wished he could tell what Tommy was thinking, or at least
whether or not there was anything going on between them. It would be a lot
easier if he could just come right out and ask, but he'd never been any good at
being direct and he didn't want to scare Tommy away if he wasn't interested. He
was surprised to find himself wanting to keep Tommy in his life, even if it
meant they had to be just friends.
"You know I'm glad you came home for Christmas," Tommy said when he came back
with two new sodas. "I missed having you around."
"I missed you too, Tommy," Merton answered, the honesty of the statement making
his palms sweat. Tommy didn't look surprised by it at all, though, so Merton
decided to take a chance. "It's good to see you so happy, I was worried about
you. You are happy, right?"
"Most of the time," Tommy answered, his expression unreadable as he held
Merton's gaze. A second later he shrugged and looked away, leaving Merton to
wonder all over again what he was missing. "I try not to think about it too
much."
Merton resisted the urge to ask Tommy what exactly he meant by 'it'. If Tommy
meant them he'd just feel guilty, and if he said something about his family
Merton would just be disappointed. It was stupid to bring up the subject of
Tommy's happiness anyway, it wasn't like he was going to break down and tell
Merton he couldn't go on without him. "Listen, Tommy, about what Lori said the
other day…about me not letting her talk about you at school…"
"Forget it," Tommy interrupted, holding up his hand to stop Merton from
continuing. "I don't blame you, I probably deserved it. Anyway it's not like I
tried to track you down to say I was sorry or anything. I let you leave, so
it's just as much my fault."
Part of Merton still couldn't believe they were sitting together in public,
calmly having a conversation about the way they broke up. It didn't seem like
it should be happening this way, if anything there should be drama and shouting
and maybe even a few tears. In his imagination when he saw Tommy again there
was tension and lots of furtive glancing across a crowded room, then they
always went their separate ways and Merton had another six months' worth of
obsessing from one chance encounter. Never in his imagination had it been
so…civilized. Part of him still wanted to shout at Tommy that he wasn't over
it, that it still hurt to breathe when he pictured Tommy's face and heard him
say those words.
He couldn't do it, though, not when Tommy was sitting next to him looking…well,
like he was trying to figure out how to get his best friend back. He still had
Lori, but until that moment Merton had never given much thought to what they'd
really lost along the way. At some point, maybe even before they became a
couple, they were friends, and when they broke up that was gone too. He
probably new more about Tommy's family than anybody else did, even Merton's
parents. He definitely knew more than most people about what Tommy wanted out
of life, at least what he'd wanted back in high school. The full force of how
much he'd missed while they weren't speaking hit him, and it was all he could
do not to collapse from the weight of the realization.
"Tommy, are we…I mean I know a lot's happened but can we…do you think we can be
friends again?"
It wasn't exactly the way he'd planned for it to come out, but he was having
trouble forming thoughts, let alone getting them into a language someone else
could understand. It was worth it when Tommy grinned at him, though, his eyes
shining with a mixture of relief and hope that Merton hadn't seen since high
school. "Yeah. I'd really like that."
Merton mirrored his smile back to him, his heart skipping a beat as he took a
moment to really look at Tommy. They were the same green eyes he'd know
anywhere, the same smile and that voice he imagined hearing in the unlikeliest
places. None of it seemed real, though, and if Tommy hadn't been watching he
might have pinched himself to make sure he was awake. It probably wouldn't seem
like much to most people, just an offer of friendship. But to Merton it seemed
like more than he'd let himself hope for in a long time.
***** Chapter 40 *****
Ever since they agreed to be friends things had been…different. Merton couldn't
really put his finger on how, but it was almost like the air between him and
Tommy was charged. It happened whenever they found themselves in the same room
together, and Merton wasn't really sure what to do about it. He'd gone so far
as to consider resorting to hiding in his room again, but if he did that Tommy
would know he was avoiding him.
Sometimes he thought Tommy could feel it too, that he had to know that Merton
still thought about them. Not that it mattered what Merton thought about. He'd
promised himself they were just going to be friends, and that was what they
were going to be. He wasn't going to get caught up in his feelings for Tommy
just because they were speaking again after six months of silence. It hurt too
much to get over it last time, and he wasn't going to put himself through that
again. He didn't even know how Tommy had felt about him in high school, for all
he knew Tommy was just being nice.
He'd been trying not to think about it, because wondering what Tommy was
thinking when they were under the same roof was dangerous. It was hard not to,
though, especially when they'd been sitting across from each other at the
kitchen table for most of the morning. He stole another glance at Tommy,
smiling unconsciously as he watched the other boy's forehead furrow in response
to something he was reading in the sports section.
"I can't believe they traded Martinez."
"Who?" Merton asked, his heart skipping a beat when Tommy glanced up at him
with a sheepish grin.
"Nothing, just reading about the off-season trades. I thought you were into
baseball."
"I like watching it," Merton answered. He was too shocked that Tommy remembered
that to be embarrassed that Tommy obviously knew a lot more about it than he
did. "I don't really follow it, though."
Tommy grinned again and shook his head before he turned back to the article
he'd been reading. For the first time in his life Merton wished that he did
know something about baseball, if only to give him a reason to talk to Tommy.
He didn't even know that Tommy read the paper, but he'd been sitting there for
over an hour doing exactly that. Merton hoped Tommy wouldn't wonder why he was
just sitting there, but he couldn't bring himself to get up and go find
something else to do. There was something about even sitting in silence with
Tommy, kind of like they'd been sitting across the breakfast table from each
other every morning of their lives.
Finally Tommy folded the paper and pushed it aside, reaching for the cup of
coffee he'd let get cold. "You know I still haven't really gotten the hang of
drinking this stuff. Guess I'm just not a coffee person."
"It's good with chocolate syrup," Merton said. "At least the dorm coffee's good
that way."
"I'll have to try that sometime." Tommy stood up and carried his mug to the
sink, rinsing it before he set it down and turned to lean against the counter.
"So you like living in the dorm? You like your roommate?"
Merton shrugged and leaned back in his chair, fighting the urge to let his gaze
wander from Tommy's curious expression down his broad chest. It took more
effort than he wanted to admit, but he wasn't about to let Tommy catch him
checking him out. "He's alright. I hardly ever see him, he's in a frat. I think
he's planning to move into the frat house next semester. So unless they assign
somebody else to my room I guess I'll have the place to myself."
"Oh yeah?" Tommy shifted and crossed his arms over his chest, looking away for
a second before he turned back to Merton. "That would be pretty cool, right? I
mean having all that privacy."
"I guess. I'm not there that much," Merton answered, frowning as he tried to
figure out why Tommy was so interested in his living arrangements. Maybe he was
just curious about what it was like to live in the dorm, he hadn't gotten that
experience yet and it was possible he never would. "I spend most of my time in
the Chemistry lab or the Science Library. So mostly I'm just there to eat and
sleep."
"You go out, though, right? I mean you can't study all the time."
"No…I mean sure, I go out. Hang out with my friends, go for coffee, that kind
of thing. There's not that much to do in Amherst."
"Yeah, but there are five colleges right in town, aren't there? So there must
be a lot of parties and stuff."
"I guess so," Merton answered. Okay, so Tommy had heard about Amherst's five-
college circuit from Merton's parents. Maybe he was curious about what it would
be like to go to college away from home, in an actual 'college town'. For all
practical purposes Tommy was still living at home and going to school, so maybe
he was just curious about what a more traditional college experience was like.
"I mean there are the frat parties on campus and at the University of
Massachusetts, but I don't go to them that often. I'm not really a big fan of
beer, and there's not much else to do at those things. I'm sure they're no
different from the parties you guys have here."
"Guess not," Tommy said, his expression turning thoughtful. He fell silent and
for a second Merton wondered if maybe the conversation was over, but before he
thought of a valid excuse for leaving the kitchen Tommy started talking again.
"Listen, I'm supposed to go out with the guys tonight," he said, casting a
quick glance in Merton's direction without really meeting his gaze. "It's no
big deal, we're just going to hear some garage band play at that bar near
campus. But I was thinking…you know, if you're not doing anything, maybe you'd
want to come. It's just gonna be a few of us, probably nothing compared to the
shows at your school but…"
For a minute Merton just sat there and stared back at Tommy, his eyes wide as
he tried to convince himself that Tommy wasn't asking him out. No, they were
just friends, and Tommy was asking him to go out with a bunch of his other
friends. So it was no big deal, just some guys hanging out and listening to
what would probably turn out to be bad music.
"Sure, Tommy," he answered, almost before he realized he'd made up his mind.
"Sounds like fun."
"Great." Tommy's brief, dazzling smile made Merton glad he was already sitting
down, and relieved he hadn't come up with some reason why he couldn't go out
with Tommy and his friends. No matter how bad the band was or how nervous he
was at the thought of meeting Tommy's friends, that smile made it all worth it.
He was just glad Tommy didn't know that, or Merton would never be able to look
at him again.
~
The worst date of Merton's life was probably the time he found himself at a
mixer thrown by Amherst's only gay fraternity. He and his date – if he could
count showing up at a building at the same time as someone when he didn't see
them again for the rest of the night a date – didn't have much in common to
begin with, but after spending an hour as the only sober person in the house he
got bored and went back to the dorm. There had been a few awkward moments on
his handful of more successful dates since he got to college, but all of them
paled in comparison to the way it felt to be wedged into a booth next to Tommy,
listening to a bad cover band and drinking lukewarm soda.
Not that he could call what they were doing a date, because they were just
friends. That was how Tommy had introduced Merton to his friends from school,
all of whom said hello and looked him over once before ignoring the fact that
he was sitting at the table. But he could handle a boring night of bad music
and feeling invisible; the thing making it hard to sit still was the way Tommy
kept leaning into him to shout over the music. Their thighs were already
pressed together thanks to the shortage of seating, but every time Tommy turned
to explain some detail of whatever story was being told Merton was a little
more aware of how close they were.
He'd put his arm across the back of the bench nearly as soon as they sat down,
a gesture Merton had assumed at first was unconscious. Only every time Tommy
pulled his arm away to reach for his drink or gesture for the waitress he put
it right back around Merton's shoulders, not quite touching but close enough to
make Merton wonder. It felt way too familiar, and there was nothing he could do
about the memories of Tommy's touch that resurfaced every time the other boy so
much as shifted his weight.
The result was that Merton was warmer than even the crowded club dictated, and
he'd been reduced to praying that Tommy wouldn't somehow notice the affect he
was having on Merton. It was dark enough in the club that he hadn't started
worrying too much yet, but they had to leave sometime and so far he hadn't had
any luck getting his hormones under control. He'd tried convincing himself that
it was just because he'd been too busy with school to date for the past month
or so, but whenever he thought about the fact that it was Tommy pressed up
against him it just made matters worse.
Eventually he gave up trying to tell himself he was only reacting to the
circumstances he found himself in, but as soon as he admitted the truth to
himself he told himself nothing could come of it. Maybe if he and Tommy lived
in the same town – maybe if they saw each other all the time, if they could go
on regular dates and really get to know each other again, maybe then things
would be different. After the past two days he was almost sure that Tommy might
even be interested, but it didn't matter. No matter what they both wanted,
Tommy still lived in Pleasantville and Merton lived more than 1500 miles away.
He stifled a sigh at that thought and lifted his glass, taking a sip of room
temperature soda and forcing himself to watch the band. This wasn't the way his
vacation was supposed to go, and he wasn't sure anymore how he felt about the
fact that he and Tommy were trying to be friends. He was the one that asked
Tommy if they could put the past behind them, but if he'd known how hard it was
going to be he might not have. Being Tommy's boyfriend had always made him feel
special, even back when they were the only two people in the world that knew
what was going on between them. He wasn't sure how to feel about being one of
Tommy's friends, just another face at a table full of people that had some
claim on Tommy's life.
Maybe part of the reason he hoped Tommy was still attracted to him was because
he missed feeling like he was special in someone's life. Even if they couldn't
do anything about it, it would have been nice to know for sure that he wasn't
alone in wishing things had turned out differently between them. Or maybe he
just wanted to know that Tommy had been suffering all this time, torturing
himself with a million unanswerable 'what ifs' the way Merton had been. It was
selfish to expect Tommy to think about him when he'd been dealing with losing
his family and starting over from scratch, and he felt bad about it. Feeling
bad for being selfish didn't help him stop wishing it was true, though.
The hand that had been hovering near his shoulder all evening brushed against
him, startling him out of his brooding long enough to look over at Tommy. "You
okay?" Tommy asked when he looked up. "You're not having a good time, are you?"
"I'm fine," Merton lied, forcing a weak smile.
"Sorry about the band," Tommy continued as though Merton hadn't answered. "I
knew they weren't gonna be great, but I didn't expect it to be this bad. Ray's
boyfriend is the bassist. Or maybe the drummer. I'm not sure. Anyway that's the
only reason we're here."
He wasn't sure which one of the guys at the table was Ray, but it didn't really
matter. What mattered was that Tommy could tell something was bothering him,
and if he kept brooding Tommy would figure out what it was. "It's okay, really.
I didn't even know there were any garage bands in town. I didn't know there was
anything new to learn about Pleasantville, either."
"Well technically they're from Henderson," Tommy said. "At least that's where
the basement they practice in is."
"So do you guys do this a lot?" Merton asked, thankful for the darkness in the
club so Tommy wouldn't see the blush that stained his cheeks as soon as the
question escaped his lips. "Come see these guys play, I mean."
"I've never seen them before. If I had I wouldn't have dragged you here with
me, I know these guys aren't really your style."
"No, I'm glad you asked me," Merton said, blushing an even darker shade of red
that he was almost sure Tommy would be able to see even in the dim light of the
club. "I mean they're not that bad."
Tommy laughed and turned back to the stage, but he didn't pull his hand away
from Merton's shoulder. He wasn't sure what to think of the touch or even if
Tommy was aware that he was doing it. Maybe he was used to putting his arm
around whichever one of his friends he happened to be talking to, or maybe he
was just developing a more overtly flirtatious style now that he was getting
comfortable with being openly gay. Either way it didn't mean anything. At least
Merton didn't think it meant anything.
He wasn't sure how much time passed before Tommy turned to look at him again,
but by the time the body next to his shifted he was so tense from trying not to
move out of Tommy's touch that he was grateful for the chance to shift on the
wooden bench. Tommy leaned into him at the same time that Merton turned to look
at him, his cheek brushing against Tommy's nose. The contact lasted less than a
second before Tommy pulled back and mumbled an apology, but Merton couldn't
deny the rush of desire that came along with the sense of familiarity the touch
brought on.
"My fault," he heard himself say, heat creeping up his neck and into his face
as he watched Tommy's mouth turn up in a sheepish grin. "Were you gonna say
something?"
"Yeah," Tommy answered, something unrecognizable flickering in his eyes for a
second, "I was gonna ask if you wanted to get out of here."
"Oh. I mean sure…I mean if you're ready to go," Merton stammered in one long
breath, his cheeks blazing so hot he wouldn't have been surprised to find he
was glowing. "I mean we don't have to…"
"Let's go," Tommy said, the hand that was still on Merton's shoulder moving
down his back to guide him out of the booth. He turned long enough to make an
excuse to his friends before he pulled his jacket on and followed Merton out of
the club.
Neither of them said anything until they were inside the hearse, but as soon as
Merton closed his door against the cold winter air he ventured a glance at
Tommy. "Did you want to go home?"
"I was thinking maybe we could just go for a drive," Tommy said, stretching his
arm along the back of the seat. "If you want. I mean if you want to just go
home that's cool too."
"No, it's early," Merton said a little too quickly. He turned the key in the
ignition and took a deep breath to steady his nerves before he backed out of
his parking space. "I mean a drive sounds good. I wouldn't mind seeing how much
things haven't changed around here."
Tommy grinned and settled a little further into the seat, his fingers just
brushing Merton's collar as he stretched out. Merton wasn't sure it was
intentional, but that tiny touch was enough to send a shiver down his spine. He
stole a quick glance at Tommy's profile before he pulled out onto the deserted
street, hoping he could keep his mind on the road and not on the boy sitting
next to him.
***** Chapter 41 *****
Neither one of them brought up where they were going or even if they were going
anywhere in particular; they just drove through Pleasantville's quiet downtown
and onto the state road that led toward the airport. A hush fell over the car,
and as hard as Merton tried to relax he found himself gripping the steering
wheel a little tighter than usual. It shouldn't have been so uncomfortable to
sit next to Tommy without saying anything, but he couldn't help wondering if
Tommy could feel the tension between them. He wanted to say something to break
the silence, turn the radio on or even ask inane questions about Tommy's
classes. He was afraid if he made any kind of move it would ruin whatever was
happening between them, though, so he just kept his hands on the wheel and
drove.
He didn't realize where he was going until he began to slow down on the highway
outside of town, turning the car onto the gravel driveway that led to the
burned-out remains of the Jensen place. In the dark, nearly moonless night the
building looked even more ominous, and it was easy to see why the local kids
had talked each other into believing it was haunted. He pulled the car around
to the back of the building and shut off the engine, his gaze locked on the
dark building as he tried to think of something to say.
"This place brings back memories," Tommy said, his voice so soft that at first
Merton wasn't sure whether Tommy expected an answer.
"I guess so, all the parties here," Merton said. He ventured a glance at Tommy
to find the other boy watching him, swallowing hard and turning to stare out
the windshield again. "Sorry, you probably don't want to think about high
school. We can go if you want."
"I was thinking about the last time we were here." Tommy watched him for
another moment, then he shifted and reached for the door handle. "Have you ever
been in there?"
"No," Merton answered automatically. He turned to look at Tommy, his heart
pounding too hard against his ribcage as he wondered what memories Tommy was
talking about. They'd only been here once, the day they first talked about what
was going on between them. It was the closest either of them had ever come to
admitting how they felt, and Merton couldn't help wondering why Tommy was
thinking about that day.
"Come on," Tommy said, stepping out of the car before he leaned back in to look
at Merton. "I want to show you something."
Merton nodded and opened his door, a shiver hitting him as he stepped out of
the car and looked over at Tommy. He wasn't sure if it was from the cold or
from a sudden rush of fear, but he knew there was nothing he could do but
follow Tommy. It was freezing out, cold wind nipping at his face and the smell
of impending snow in the air, but he barely registered the temperature as they
fell into step together.
They stepped over a board that was hanging loosely from the bottom of the open
doorframe, pausing just inside to let their eyes adjust to the darkness. It
wasn't much warmer out of the wind, and Merton turned to seek out Tommy's
silhouette. "What are we doing?" he asked.
"You know how much time I spent in this place in high school?" Tommy asked.
Merton could just barely make out his features in the sliver of moonlight
shining in through the missing wall on the far side of the house, but he could
see well enough to know that Tommy was looking right at him.
"I don't know, it wasn't the kind of thing I got invited to," Merton answered,
an edge creeping into his voice as he wondered why Tommy had dragged him out
into the cold just to talk about high school. He was the one that drove them
out to the farm, but they could have taken Tommy's walk down memory lane in the
car.
"Yeah, I guess not. You were lucky, you know."
"How do you figure that?" Merton asked.
"You could do whatever you wanted in high school. Everybody already thought
what they were gonna think about you anyway, so you could just be whoever you
wanted to be and nobody thought anything of it." Tommy paused and looked around
at the walls surrounding them, scowling at the graffiti on the weathered boards
and the bottles littering the ground. "Look at this place. I hated it here.
Hanging out in a creepy, burnt-out house, drinking whatever people could steal
from their parents' liquor cabinets and pretending we were having a good time.
I never felt like I belonged here, I always knew my life was one big lie. But I
kept coming because I knew the one time I didn't people would start to talk."
Merton had heard Tommy pretty close to cracking under the stress of the image
he had to live up to in high school, but he'd never heard him actually feeling
sorry for himself. It was weird to hear Tommy talking about how miserable he'd
been in high school; even though Merton had suspected it at the time, he never
expected to hear Tommy say it out loud. "Tommy…"
"I was jealous of you, you know," Tommy continued, talking right over Merton as
though he hadn't said anything. "That day in the locker room, when I first
asked you if you were gay, do you remember that?"
"Yeah, of course."
"The reason I asked you that day was because I wanted to see if you'd admit it.
Every time I saw you in the halls for four years I thought to myself, 'now
that's a brave guy'. So I asked, because I wanted to see if you were brave
enough to admit that too."
"So you were testing me." Merton frowned and wrapped his arms a little tighter
around him, shivering as the cold began to seep through his jacket. "Why are
you telling me this now?"
"I don't know. I guess maybe because I want you to know how hard it was for me.
If you knew how long it took me to work up the nerve just to go to your house
and see if you were okay after T'n'T put you in the hospital…" Tommy shivered
this time, although Merton was pretty sure it didn't have anything to do with
the weather. "The shit you put up with, and you never backed down. Even in the
end you didn't back down."
"Tommy, we don't have to do this," Merton said quietly, but he could hear the
hint of desperation creeping into his voice. "It's over now, we can just leave
it in the past."
Even before he finished talking Tommy was shaking his head, and Merton felt his
heart sink as he realized the other boy was determined to go through with his
speech. He had no idea where any of it was going, but he wasn't sure he wanted
to know.
"No, I need to…please just let me say this, okay?"
Merton nodded and bit his lip to keep from arguing, steeling himself against
whatever was coming. A few minutes ago he'd been so sure there was some kind of
spark between them, some leftover attraction that was starting to grow again.
Now he wasn't so sure if Tommy was trying to get him back or if he was just
looking for closure.
"When I told my dad I was gay…I thought I was gonna die. I really thought he
was gonna kill me. He might have, I guess, if my brother and his friend hadn't
pulled him off me. The day I got out of the hospital I found out that he'd
tossed all my stuff out of the house. Just threw it on the front lawn and that
was it. I haven't seen any of them since my brother's friend drove me to the
hospital. So I went to your mom because I didn't know what else to do. Part of
me expected her to kick me out, I guess because I was so used to it."
"It's good that you went to her," Merton said. He felt stupid the second the
words came out of his mouth, but he wasn't sure what else to say. The idea of
Tommy's father trying to kill him made his stomach turn, and he couldn't help
feeling partially responsible. "Tommy, I'm sorry…"
"No, it's good," Tommy interrupted. "If you hadn't had enough that day at
school…if I hadn't been a complete coward and walked away you might have stuck
it out. Your parents told me you were thinking about staying home last summer,
but you changed your mind at the last minute. If you'd stayed around I might
still be lying to my dad and everybody else. I'd still be playing football and
sneaking around and making your life hell."
Merton bit his lip to keep from pointing out that if Tommy was still in the
closet by now they would have broken up anyway. It might have happened later
and probably less dramatically, but it would have happened eventually. There
was no way they could have kept their relationship a secret indefinitely, and
Merton wouldn't have been able to live like that forever. So either they would
have drifted apart in a long-distance relationship, or Merton would have given
up Amherst and ended up resenting Tommy.
A soft sigh escaped Tommy's throat and Merton had to stop himself from crossing
the distance between them, reaching out to touch Tommy and let him know without
words that he understood. He knew what Tommy was trying to say, but he didn't
deserve it. He didn't deserve the credit for forcing Tommy to stand up for who
he was, no more than he deserved a second chance at having Tommy in his life.
"What I'm trying to say here is I'm sorry," Tommy said, his voice softer and a
little hesitant. "I just wanted you to know."
"I know, Tommy. I'm sorry too," Merton said, forcing the words out around the
lump in his throat. "I should have been here. When your dad…" He trailed off,
his voice cracking on the last word. "I should have been here."
Tommy didn't answer right away, and Merton wondered if maybe he was trying not
to cry. The memory of his family's rejection was probably still pretty vivid,
and Merton wished for the first time that he really had been there for Tommy
when he finally came out. It would have put a strain on their relationship and
maybe they would have broken up anyway, but Tommy shouldn't have had to go
through that alone.
"I lied that day…to Chad and the others. I lied and said you were nothing to me
because I was scared. I was scared of what they'd do to you. I mean yeah, part
of me wasn't ready to deal with coming out, but part of me wanted to. Part of
me wanted to since sophomore year, when you walked into English class and sat
down right in front of me. I spent a whole year just staring at the back of
your neck, wishing I was brave enough just to say hi."
It was freezing; so cold that Merton couldn't feel the wind cutting through his
clothes anymore, and he couldn't feel the tips of his fingers inside his
gloves. He didn't care about frostbite or exposure or even whether or not he
was breathing anymore, though. All he cared about was that Tommy had just said
he'd had a crush on Merton since sophomore year. Since they were fifteen, and
he'd waited two and a half years to do anything about it. "Jesus, Tommy," was
all he managed to force out through the jumble of confusing thoughts in his
brain.
"I know, it's pathetic," Tommy said, letting out a shaky laugh that Merton
would have found endearing if he wasn't so busy trying to keep his knees from
giving out. "Mostly I just hoped it would go away, but it didn't and then when
I actually got to know you…" He trailed off and looked down at the ground in
front of him. "You were the only good thing I ever had, and I screwed it up. I
don't blame you for leaving, but even when you did I couldn't just shut my
feelings off."
"How did you feel?" Merton asked, the words escaping his lips before he could
stop them. He hadn't meant to ask it, but as soon as he did he wanted to know
more than anything.
"You really have to ask?"
"Yeah, Tommy. I'm sorry but I'm not a mind reader."
Tommy took a deep breath and looked up again, a nervous grin turning up the
corners of his mouth. "I guess not. I loved you, Merton. I know you've got a
whole new life now and it's probably too late, but I still love you."
Love. Six months ago Merton would have given anything to hear those words come
out of Tommy's mouth. Even now, while they were standing in an abandoned
farmhouse most likely freezing to death, the words made his pulse race. The
fact that Tommy had ever loved him would have been enough, but knowing that
Tommy still felt that way…he shook his head to clear the fog that was
threatening to settle in his brain, forcing himself back to reality before he
looked back up at Tommy.
"Are you saying…I mean so much has happened, you've got a whole new life now
too. Are you really saying you want to get back together?"
"Yeah. That's all I've ever wanted," Tommy answered.
"But you never said anything," Merton said, his forehead furrowed as he tried
to make sense of what was happening. If it wasn't for the fact that his skin
was stinging from the wind he'd think he was dreaming, that any minute he'd
wake up and he'd be back at Amherst the night before he was supposed to fly
home for break.
"I didn't think you'd want to hear it. You wouldn't even let Lori mention my
name, and I knew from her and your parents that you'd moved on. What was I
supposed to think?"
All this time…if he'd just listened to Lori's painful updates on Tommy's life,
or asked his parents if they'd seen him around campus, they might have had this
conversation months ago. He could have come home between his summer program and
the start of fall semester, or at least they could have been exchanging e-mails
for the past six months. "It hurt," he murmured, so quietly he was sure Tommy
couldn't hear him. "Even hearing your name…"
He stopped talking abruptly and looked up, his eyes wide as reality chose that
moment to make its presence known. It couldn't work, not with him living 1500
miles away. No matter how much they loved each other they couldn't make a long-
distance relationship work. They were too young and they had too much working
against them already.
"Merton," Tommy said, his voice suddenly closer than it had been a minute ago.
Merton watched Tommy take a final step toward him, stopping just short of
actually reaching out and touching him. "Do you…I mean, how do you feel? About
me."
"I love you," Merton answered, surprised at how easily the words rolled off his
tongue. He'd always expected them to be harder to say somehow, something he'd
have to work up to. "But it can't work, Tommy. I live in Amherst and you're
here. Long-distance relationships are statistically doomed to failure."
A soft laugh escaped Tommy's throat, then he did reach out to rest one hand on
Merton's cheek. His fingers felt like ice against Merton's skin, and he
realized for the first time that Tommy wasn't wearing any gloves. "You're
freezing," he whispered, reaching up automatically to cover Tommy's hand with
his.
"So are you," Tommy answered. "I know it won't be easy, Merton, but just think
about it, okay?"
Merton nodded mutely, his icy cheek rubbing against Tommy's fingers. He
expected Tommy to lean forward and press their lips together, but instead of
kissing him Tommy smiled and pulled his hand away from Merton's cheek. He
entwined their fingers together and tugged Merton gently in the direction of
the car, not letting go until they reached the car and climbed inside. Merton
fumbled with the keys for a minute, his fingers stiff from the cold. Finally he
got the key in the ignition and started the car, rubbing his hands together as
he waited for the engine to warm up enough to heat up the car.
"So hypothetically speaking," Merton said, casting a sidelong glance at Tommy,
"if we decided to do this how did you see it working?"
"Hypothetically," Tommy echoed, grinning at the look Merton shot him, "you'd
stop dating whoever it is you've been dating at school. And you'd actually
write to me this time like you said you were going to this summer."
Merton winced at the reminder of his promise to show Tommy how to e-mail him,
deciding against reminding the other boy of why it had been a moot point when
he left. "So you learned how to use e-mail while I was gone?"
"Yeah, Becky showed me," Tommy answered. "I e-mail Lori all the time. She keeps
me updated on both your lives."
Merton was going to have to do something really nice for Lori when they got
back to school. He was lucky she wasn't the type to hold a grudge, because if
she was she probably could have convinced Tommy he wasn't worth the effort.
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Shoot," Tommy answered, leaning forward to press his hands against the vent as
the heat finally kicked in.
"What is it you and Becky are always whispering about?"
A soft chuckle escaped Tommy's throat as Merton put the car in gear and rolled
down the driveway. "Well technically I'm not supposed to tell you, but as long
as you promise…"
"Tommy."
"Boys," Tommy finally relented, grinning when Merton looked over at him. "What
else is there to talk about?"
"My sister asks your advice about her love life?" Merton shook his head and let
out a heavy sigh. "That just figures."
"What? She's still pissed that you held out on her for four years. She says if
she'd known in junior high that you were gay she could have gotten some tips a
lot sooner."
"She didn't need advice on boys in junior high," Merton grumbled. "I'm not so
sure she needs advice on boys now."
Tommy laughed and leaned back again, stretching his arm along the back of the
seat and letting his hand rest against the back of Merton's neck. This time
there was no question that the touch was intentional, and Merton smiled to
himself as he pointed the car toward home. So maybe his Christmas break hadn't
turned out anything like he expected it to, but change wasn't such a bad thing.
And maybe Tommy was right and they could make it work the second time around.
***** Chapter 42 *****
A bag lay open on the single bed nearest the door, randomly stacked piles of
clothes surrounding it. Merton stood in the center of the room with his hands
on his hips, trying to decide how many clothes he really needed for a week at
home. He'd packed more than he needed for Christmas break, but that was three
weeks and it was a lot colder in Pleasantville then. Not that it was exactly
warm in the first week of April, but at least the chances of snow were pretty
slim.
All his friends had teased him about turning down the chance to go with them to
some warm, semi-tropical climate where there would be crowds of college
students and way too much sun and alcohol. None of it bothered him, though, not
when he knew what was waiting for him at home. There was his family, of course;
it was always nice to see them and he and Becky were even e-mailing pretty
regularly now. It was weird to actually get along with his sister, but she was
starting to act a lot more human as she got older. Maybe he'd changed a little
too, figured out what things were worth fighting for and what to let go.
Whatever the reason, it was nice to get one of her long, rambling e-mails about
her friends and her social life and whatever commentary she made on their
parents and Tommy. He'd never paid enough attention to his sister to realize
she shared his sarcastic sense of humor, but it turned out she was pretty
funny. Not that his sister was the real reason he was going home for spring
break when he could have gone to Panama City Beach with his friends.
A knock on the door startled him out of his thoughts, and he wiped the grin
that had begun to form off his face before he turned and pulled it open. As
soon as he realized who it was his grin returned, and he stood aside to let
Lori in before he closed the door behind her. "What are you doing here? I
thought you'd be halfway to Mexico by now."
"My flight doesn't leave until tomorrow," she answered, eyeing the piles of
clothes on his bed before she sat down in the only chair in the room. "Amy's
still got one more midterm today. I'm surprised you're not already packed.
Thought you'd be so excited to get home that you'd be ready a week early."
He rolled his eyes but didn't deny it, avoiding looking at her by shifting some
of the clothes on his bed into even more random piles. "Like I've had time to
think about it. Midterms were brutal, and I have a paper due the day we get
back. I wanted to finish it before I left so I wouldn't have to worry about it
at home."
"So you wouldn't have anything to distract you from Tommy, you mean."
He smiled at the mention of Tommy's name and glanced over at her, shaking his
head at her smirk. "I keep telling you there's really nothing going on."
"Uh huh. That's why you stopped dating anybody at school. And why I barely ever
hear from Tommy anymore. I used to get these long e-mails all about school and
how much he missed you, and now I get like two sentences once a week if I'm
lucky."
"Maybe he's just busy with school." He picked up a pile of shirts and then set
them back down again with a heavy sigh. "Why is packing for a week so much
harder than packing for a month?"
"You're hopeless," she said, shaking her head as she watched him put a stack of
clothes in his bag and then take them back out again. "The only reason you're
freaking out about a few shirts is because you're nervous about seeing Tommy.
You guys have known each other forever, what's to worry about?"
There was no easy way for him to answer that question, not without telling her
everything that had happened since Christmas break. All she really knew was
that he and Tommy were working some things out, neither of them had told
anybody what was really going on between them. Part of the reason for that was
because they weren't even sure yet, and neither of them wanted to talk about it
until they were sure it was going to work the second time. Tommy seemed pretty
confident, but Merton was having a hard time not worrying about the distance
and what it would do to them eventually.
He'd agreed to stop seeing other people before they even got back to the house
that night in December, and the way Tommy stopped him just before he opened the
front door and kissed him made it worth anything Tommy asked him to give up.
Things hadn't gone much further than an occasional stolen kiss; Merton could
tell Tommy was trying not to pressure him, and he wanted to take things slowly.
Knowing how Tommy felt about him made it hard not to rush right back into a
relationship, but the pain of losing Tommy the first time was still vivid
enough to keep him from making that mistake.
Even the e-mails they exchanged on an almost daily basis were guarded at first,
as if Tommy was trying to hold back as much as Merton. Eventually they'd both
gotten more comfortable with the idea of seeing each other again, though, and
Merton had been looking forward to spring break almost since he got back to
school after Christmas. That didn't mean he wasn't nervous about seeing Tommy
again, but he wasn't sure how to explain to Lori what he was so worried about.
Part of it was knowing how much he'd missed Tommy over the past three months,
and knowing how hard it was going to be not to betray everything he was feeling
in the first second he saw the other boy again. What really scared him, though,
was that sometimes he'd catch himself wondering why it would be such a bad
thing for Tommy to know everything he was feeling. He could just tell him how
much he missed him, how much he thought about him and that he was ready – way
beyond ready, really – for a solid commitment.
He'd already made a commitment when he stopped seeing other people, hadn't he?
So that last step wasn't such a big deal, and he knew that Tommy wanted to take
it. In every e-mail and every phone call Tommy made it clear that he was just
waiting for a signal from Merton that he could stop holding back what he was
feeling. They talked or e-mailed practically every day, but they didn't really
talk about what was happening between them. They talked about school, about
Merton's family and how it felt to be honest about who they were. They talked
about the future, complained about homework and the long hours they put in at
the library. Tommy had brought up the idea of transferring to a different
college once, but that was the closest they'd gotten to any kind of discussion
about their relationship.
Merton kept telling himself that they were waiting for spring break, that it
would be easier to talk about this stuff in person and they'd see how they felt
when they saw each other again. The truth was that he was just afraid to talk
about it, because somehow making it official meant that this was their last
shot at getting it right. There were a million reasons why it couldn't work,
and the only reason he could come up with in favor of them officially getting
back together was that they loved each other. He couldn't say any of that to
Lori, there was no way she'd understand.
"I'm not nervous," he finally said. "I'm just not sure what clothes to bring
with me."
"Bring the maroon shirt, that looks good on you." She stood up and crossed the
room to stand next to him, leaning over the piles of clothes and rearranging
them. "A couple pairs of jeans, a pair of dress pants in case your parents make
you go out for a 'nice dinner', some tee shirts and a few dress shirts. There
you go."
When she finished talking she handed him the small pile, grinning at his dazed
expression. "You can pack your own underwear."
"Thanks," Merton muttered, taking the pile of clothes and tucking them into his
bag. When he was done he straightened up and turned to look at her again,
letting out an exasperated sigh. "Sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me.
It's just…things are kind of up in the air right now. It's hard to explain."
"It's okay, Merton. I understand," she said. She leaned forward and planted a
quick kiss on his cheek before she turned toward the door. "Anyway, I just came
by to say have a good time. I'll see you when you get back."
"You came all the way over here to say goodbye to me?" Merton asked, his
forehead furrowing at the thought of Lori taking the bus all the way from
Wellesley just to help him pack.
She paused with her hand on the doorknob, a mischievous grin lighting up her
features. "Actually I was running an errand for a friend, but I was in the
neighborhood so I thought I'd stop by. Say hi to Tommy for me."
Before he could answer she was gone, leaving him with the distinct impression
that she was up to something he should know about. There was nothing he could
do about it, though, and he had enough to worry about already. He shrugged and
turned back to his last-minute packing, willing himself not to worry about what
was going to happen when he got off the plane.
~
Merton thought that his layover at Christmas was bad, but it was nothing
compared to killing two hours alone in the Minneapolis/St. Paul airport. Not
knowing that Tommy was going to be there when he got home had almost been
better than knowing that he was waiting for Merton to show up. Well, not
waiting exactly, because Tommy's spring break didn't start for two weeks so
he'd be in class when Merton got home. Which just meant more waiting before he
came face to face with Tommy again, and he wasn't sure he was going to survive
the wait.
He took a deep breath to steady his nerves as he finally walked into the
airport, searching the crowd around the gate for any sign of his father. He
knew there was a chance he'd have to wait awhile before either of his parents
could get away from campus to pick him up, so when he didn't seen anyone he
recognized he told himself he wasn't disappointed. It just meant a little more
waiting, they wouldn't leave him there for any longer than they had to.
He dropped his bag on a vacant chair and started to settle in to wait when he
felt a hand on his shoulder, and he looked up expecting to find his father
smiling at him. When he found himself looking into familiar green eyes his
heart skipped a beat, and he barely had time to register his surprise before he
felt himself being hauled forward. If he'd thought about it he would have felt
self-conscious about being crushed against Tommy's chest in the middle of a
crowded airport, but he was too busy thinking about how much he'd missed this
feeling. Words like 'strong' and 'warm' and 'perfect' floated through his mind,
and he turned his face into Tommy's neck and breathed in the warm, clean scent
of soap.
"Wow, I missed you," Tommy whispered, his voice buzzing in Merton's ear and
making his toes curl. He squeezed a little harder for a brief, lung-crushing
moment before pulling away to look at the other boy.
"What are you doing here?" Merton asked, his eyes wide as it finally sank in
that Tommy was standing in front of him. "I mean not that I'm not happy to see
you, but aren't you supposed to be in class?"
"Yeah, but my professor said it was okay if I bailed," Tommy answered, reaching
around Merton to pick up his bag. "She understood that I had something more
important to do today."
"You mean you told one of your professors…? Oh," Merton said, flushing as he
realized who Tommy was talking about. At first he'd thought it was strange that
Tommy was taking History of Politics with his mother, but most of her other
borders had been students from her classes so it made sense in a weird way.
"That's kind of strange, you know."
Tommy grinned and put his arm around Merton's shoulders, steering him toward
the exit. "Yeah, but it's kind of cool too. Do you have any more luggage?"
"No," Merton answered, casting a quick glance around as he remembered where
they were. It wasn't as though Tommy had kissed him in public or anything, but
he couldn't help feeling a little self-conscious anyway. It was possible no one
would think anything of Tommy draping an arm around Merton's shoulders, and if
they were in Amherst he wouldn't think twice about it. Pleasantville was a lot
different than Amherst, though, and he found himself looking around for any
sign that people were staring.
He tensed when Tommy's arm slipped from his shoulder, glancing over at the
other boy to find Tommy studying his profile. They'd reached the entrance to
the parking garage, and as soon as he looked up Tommy grabbed his arm and
hauled him out of the airport. Before he had time to react he found himself
pressed up against the concrete wall, partially hidden from passersby as Tommy
dropped his bag on the ground and planted his hands on either side of Merton's
face.
"Tommy, what are you…?"
That was as far as he got, but he already knew the answer to the question
anyway. Part of him knew this was a bad idea, that they should at least wait
until they were in the relative safety of the car before they did anything that
could get them in trouble. Tommy felt so good pressed up against him, though,
and he had a determined look on his face that let Merton know that arguing
would be pointless. Then Tommy leaned forward, his mouth covering Merton's for
the first time since they said goodbye three months ago. There was nothing
gentle or tentative about the kiss this time, it was almost like Tommy was
proving a point.
His hands landed on Tommy's chest of their own accord, closing around his
jacket to tug the other boy impossibly closer. One of them groaned low in their
throat, the sound muted by the kiss. When Tommy finally pulled away again they
were both breathing heavily, but he didn't straighten up and move away to a
safe distance the way Merton expected him to.
"I was gonna wait until later to do this," Tommy said, his serious expression
letting Merton know they weren't just talking about a simple kiss. "But the way
you acted in there just because I put my arm around you…it won't work if you're
worried all the time about who's gonna see us. It'll be just like it was in
high school."
"It's not that," Merton answered, his heart in his throat as he wondered if
he'd screwed things up before they even made it out of the airport. "It's not
you and it's not that I'm worried about people knowing we're together. It's
this place, Tommy. You still have to live here, and I don't want to make it
harder for you than it has to be. People here…"
"People here suck. Yeah, I know," Tommy interrupted, matching Merton's sheepish
grin with one of his own. "But not all of them, Merton. And I don't give a damn
about the ones that do. So if they want to stare or say whatever they need to
say I don't care. The one thing I learned from you is that I shouldn't lie
about who I am, no matter how scared I am."
For a long time Merton didn't say anything, he just stared back at Tommy as he
tried to absorb what the other boy had just said. He'd never thought of himself
as making some kind of stand in high school, and even though he knew that was
how Tommy saw him it had never registered until that moment. Worrying about
what the people around him thought was something Merton had always wanted to
believe he was above, but he'd never really gotten past the stares and whispers
he'd put up with in high school.
"You give me way too much credit, you know," he finally said, looking down at
his hands on Tommy's chest so he wouldn't have to feel the weight of the other
boy's gaze.
"You don't give yourself enough," Tommy answered. He leaned forward and brushed
his lips against Merton's again, then across his cheek and finally the soft
skin just below his ear. "Actually that's not the only thing I learned from
you," he whispered in Merton's ear.
A shiver rolled through Merton's body at the sound of Tommy's voice whispering
directly into his ear, visions of all the things he and Tommy had learned
together making it hard to focus on the conversation. "Tommy," Merton
whispered, his voice low as Tommy pulled back to look at him. "I'm sorry about
that…back there. You're right, I wouldn't have thought twice about it if we
were in Amherst. I guess I haven't gotten over this place as much as I pretend
I have."
"It's okay," Tommy said, his fingers tracing the line of Merton's jaw as he
spoke. "But if we're gonna do this…I mean are we? What are we doing here,
Merton?"
It was the question he'd been dreading, because until that moment Merton wasn't
sure how he was going to answer. He knew he still wanted Tommy – loved him,
even, maybe more now than he had in high school when they were still getting to
know each other. Suddenly the thought of saying the words they both already
knew out loud didn't seem like such a big deal, and he couldn't remember
anymore why he'd been putting it off. "I'm kissing my boyfriend again," Merton
answered, leaning forward and pressing his lips to Tommy's again. When he
pulled back he matched Tommy's grin with one of his own. "Then I'm going home.
I don't know what you're doing."
"Sounds good to me," Tommy answered, straightening up and leaning over to pick
up Merton's bag. He put his arm around Merton's shoulders again and turned in
the direction of his parking space, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth
when Merton's arm slid around his waist.
They didn't say anything else until they reached the car, and Merton leaned
against the side of the hearse and waited while Tommy dug the keys out of his
pocket. "I can't believe you're driving my car," he said.
"I study in your room sometimes too," Tommy said, his grin shifting into a
smirk as he glanced over at Merton again. "I like it in there, it's kind of
relaxing. Half the time I fall asleep on your bed, but your parents don't seem
to mind. At least not when you're not in there with me."
Merton laughed at the memory of the embarrassing conversation with his parents
after Tommy's first night in his bed. "I know you like living with my parents
and all, but have you ever thought about transferring to a new school? There
are a lot of colleges in Massachusetts, you know."
Tommy opened the driver's side door and slid onto the bench seat, leaning over
to unlock Merton's door before he answered. "I talked to Lori yesterday," he
said when Merton settled into the seat next to him. "I asked her to pick me up
a transfer application for the University of Massachusetts. The deadline for
Fall is soon so it doesn't give me a lot of time, but I wanted to talk to you
first."
"Are you serious?" Merton asked, although as soon as Tommy said it he
remembered Lori mentioning she was in Amherst to do a favor for a friend. He
stopped short of rolling his eyes at the knowledge that once again Lori knew
what was going on in his life before he did. "Did you really think I'd say no?"
"No, I mean…well, I wasn't sure. I mean I thought maybe you were rethinking the
whole dating thing."
"God, Tommy," Merton murmured, reaching out without thinking and closing his
hand around the other boy's. He was right, Merton had been questioning their
relationship since the first time Tommy kissed him over a year ago. He'd never
given Tommy much reason to think things would work out between them, but he
wasn't going to make that mistake again if he could help it. "No. No, I wasn't
rethinking anything. I love you."
"Good." Tommy smiled and squeezed Merton's hand before pulling away and
reaching for the ignition, backing the car out of the parking space and turning
toward the entrance to the garage before he continued. "So I was thinking, I
don't think I can afford the dorm if I move to Massachusetts. I mean dorms are
expensive, and even with financial aid and a job it's going to be tough. So I
was thinking about getting an apartment, but I'd need a roommate…"
"Yes," Merton interrupted, not even caring anymore how eager he sounded. Tommy
grinned but didn't say anything else, so Merton smiled and leaned back to take
in the view on the way back to Pleasantville. His gaze never strayed from
Tommy's profile until they pulled into the driveway.
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